The No Contact Rule: Everything You Need to Know

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Key benefits of going no contact with an ex-boyfriend or girlfriend
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“Don’t contact them!” may seem like harsh advice, especially right after a breakup, but sometimes not contacting your ex is the best thing you can do. That's where no contact comes in. The no-contact rule is when you don’t communicate with your ex for a set period of time. We know that ignoring your ex isn’t always the easiest thing to do, so to help you out, we've put together a guide on how to use the no-contact rule effectively. For this guide, we spoke to dating and relationship coach Suzanna Mathews and licensed clinical social worker Raffi Bilek to help you make it through the no-contact period.

What is “no contact” and how does it work?

Going no contact in a relationship means you completely cut off all communication with your ex, including phone calls, texts, and DMs, for a set period of time so you can both heal and move forward. If you want to go no-contact with an ex, respectfully let them know you'd like a break from communicating, then stop all communication or online interaction for at least 30 days.

Section 1 of 5:

What is the no contact rule?

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  1. This means no communication whatsoever—no seeing them in person, texting, chatting on the phone, emailing, or messaging on social media. The no-contact rule generally lasts between 30 and 60 days and is best to use if you’ve been in a toxic relationship, gone through a rough breakup, or want to work on yourself and eventually get back together with your ex. [1]
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Section 2 of 5:

How to Use the No Contact Rule

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  1. Giving your ex a heads-up will make things easier. Whether you're using the no-contact rule to move on from your relationship or to win your ex back, it's a good idea to let your ex know that you won't be talking to them for a while. [2] Here are some ways you can phrase it: [3]
    • If you’re trying to win your ex back : “I really like you, but I need time to think about everything” or “I think spending some time apart would be good for both of us.”
    • If you’re trying to move on: “You’re important to me, but this doesn’t feel right anymore. I need some time to think about me” or “I want us to be friends, but I need some space before I can do that.”
  2. Stopping all communication is the first step of the no-contact rule. That means not calling or texting your ex , not engaging with them on social media, and not replying when they reach out to you. Cutting ties with someone you’ve been close to can be difficult, but know that by doing so, you’re getting that much closer to getting them back or moving on. [4]
    • Ask your friends not to talk about your ex when you’re around. The last thing you want is a reminder about them.
  3. Sticking to the no-contact rule for a month can make them miss you. You and your ex probably spent a lot of time together before the breakup, and you were probably texting or talking on the phone when you weren’t together. When you go from constant contact to no contact, they may realize how much that they made a mistake. Here are some signs that your ex has changed and wants you back after 30 days of no contact: [5]
    • They start showing that they're worried about you by sending texts or leaving voicemails.
    • They apologize for hurting you.
    • They express that they want to make things up to you by saying so or surprising you with gifts.
  4. Double the no-contact time so you have more time to breathe. Breakups can be tricky, but the no-contact rule can help you move on from your ex. Stopping all communication with your ex will help you process your emotions and reflect on the relationship. [6]
    • Your relationship with your ex has become a habit you need to break. It takes about 21 days to break a habit, so giving yourself three times the time to do that will help you move on. [7]
  5. Starting to talk to your ex again can help you move on or win them back. After 30-60 days of no contact, you may be ready to reach back out and start a conversation. According to Mathews, this can help you get closure, start a friendship, or rekindle your romance. If you’re not ready to reach out, no worries! We all move at our own pace, and sometimes reaching out isn’t best for everyone. [8]
    • Let them know your intentions right away by telling them if you want to pursue a friendship or relationship with them. Try texting them, “Thank you for giving me time to think. After some reflection, I’d like to just be friends if that’s okay with you” or “I’ve had some time to think about our relationship, and I think we should try dating each other again.” [9]
    • Send a simple text to start up a conversation like “Hey” or “Did you hear about the event tomorrow?” [10]
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Section 3 of 5:

How to Resist the Urge to Break No Contact

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  1. Stumbling across a picture of them can make sticking to the no-contact rule harder. Remove them from your feed by muting or unfollowing them. This way, when you catch yourself scrolling, you won’t find them staring back at you. [11]
    • We know this is a hard step, but the no-contact rule means stopping all communication on every platform. Remember you are doing this to give yourself time to heal.
  2. Writing in a journal can help you process any emotions or stressors that may be bouncing around in your head. [12] Use your journal as an outlet for your feelings during moments where you’re tempted to reach out to your ex. If you don’t know what to write about, try the following journal prompts:
    • List everything about the relationship or your ex that you didn’t like, then list things you didn’t have in the relationship that you would have preferred.
    • Write down any fears or insecurities that are popping in your head and list ways you can soothe them.
    • Write a letter to your future self about the situation. Assume your future self is fully over the breakup.
    • List all of the things you’ve been able to do during no contact that you weren’t able to do during your relationship.
  3. Sticking to a daily routine will help you ignore them. Life may be different without your ex, but keeping busy will distract you from the want to reach out to them. Wake up for school or work, hang out with friends, and go about your day as normal—the thought of them can’t hold you back! [13]
    • Call up a friend you haven’t seen in ages, or add an extra gym day to your daily routine. See where and how you can fill gaps in your schedule.
    • Do some extra studying or put in some overtime at work. This will help you stay occupied and forget about your ex while getting ahead.
  4. Breaking contact with your ex isn’t something you have to do alone. Believe it or not, some of the people you care about may have gone through similar things. This is an emotional time for you, and you don’t have to be alone. Surround yourself with people you trust and love, and don’t be scared to have some fun! [14]
    • Visit a family member you haven’t seen in a few years.
    • Go out to lunch with a close friend or colleague.
    • Attend a local concert or take a trip to an amusement park with family and friends.
  5. Use the no-contact rule to take some time for yourself. You’ve been through a lot and you deserve some self-care ! Buy that outfit you’ve been wanting, go see a movie, or splurge on a trip to the spa. Do things that make you happy, and, who knows, maybe you’ll start to forget your ex in the process. [15]
  6. Socializing with others can help you pass the time and forget your ex. The no-contact rule takes a lot of hard work and determination, and just because you’re cutting off ties with one person doesn’t mean you have to with everyone! Call up a friend you haven’t seen in a while or ask your new coworker if they want to grab lunch with you. [16]
    • Strengthening new and old relationships can help you reflect on the relationship you have with your ex. Is it a relationship you want to strengthen after no contact, or are you ready to move on?
  7. Use the no-contact rule to experience life without your ex. If there’s something you’ve always wanted to try, like a new hobby , go for it! One of the reasons breakups are so painful is because everything around us starts to remind us of our ex. Learning new skills and going on adventures can help you forget and ignore them. [17]
    • Go on a road trip, book a solo retreat, or visit a family member for 30 to 60 days. Putting yourself in a new environment that doesn't remind you of them will make not contacting them that much easier.
    • If you’ve always wanted to learn to paint or play the guitar, sign up for classes. Occupying your time with a new hobby will keep you from pressing that call button.
  8. Working out or going on a walk can help you feel better. Physical activity is a great distraction that can also make you happier. It’s easy to forget your troubles when you’re exercising because all you can focus on is moving your body. [18]
    • Exercising for at least 30 minutes a day is a great way to increase your overall health and distract yourself from contacting your ex.
    • The type of activity you do doesn’t matter as long as you’re having fun! Try walking, running , swimming, dancing , or yoga . The possibilities are endless!
    • Invite a friend to exercise with you to make the task even more enjoyable. Strengthen a friendship while making yourself stronger.
  9. Mathews says to ignore your ex but don’t ignore your feelings. You’re going through a lot emotionally, so take this time to reflect on the relationship. Recovering from a breakup is anything but a piece of cake, and not contacting your ex can help you heal. You’re working with the recovery process when you follow the no-contact rule, giving yourself time to think through your emotions. Try asking yourself these questions: [19]
    • What do I miss about our relationship?
    • What do I not miss about our relationship?
    • What did I learn from this breakup?
  10. Grab some paper or open your Notes app and write an honest prediction on what you think would happen if you reached out to your ex. Will they be happy to hear from you? Will it make you feel better or worse in the long run? Where would things go if you did reach out? Ask yourself these questions and try to predict where things would go if you reached out. [20]
  11. It can be hard to find closure post-breakup, especially if it feels like the breakup came out of nowhere. If you’re struggling to get closure from a long-term relationship that abruptly ended, Bilek says that talking to a therapist for emotional coaching is a great idea if the breakup had a big impact on you.
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Section 4 of 5:

What are the benefits of going no contact?

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  1. Relationships are hard, and breakups can be even harder. The best thing you can do for yourself after a breakup is to take time for yourself, especially if you’ve been in a toxic relationship. Mathews says that even if your instinct is to reach back out after a couple of days or a couple of weeks, hold on! The no contact rule puts space between you and your ex so you can process the relationship and your emotions. [21]
    • Mathews says the rule will help you make decisions from a space of reflection. This way, you'll be able to really evaluate your contributions to what worked and what didn't work in the relationship.
  2. The no-contact rule makes it so you don’t have any contact with your ex at all. This prevents the risk of you going back into the relationship, as you have no way to talk to them or rekindle things. It’s hard, but if they try to rekindle the relationship, you should maintain no contact, reflect on what made you go no contact in the first place, and think about how much better your life is without them in it.
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Section 5 of 5:

Is it possible to be friends with an ex after no contact?

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  1. Even though your ex is someone who you were once close to, feelings change and people move on. If both of you have moved on and no longer have feelings for each other, then a platonic friendship is fine, as long as you can both handle it. If one of you still has feelings or wishes to rekindle the flame, it’s best to avoid being friends and continue no contact. [22]
    • Trying to rekindle things romantically can lead to hurt feelings for both parties and may inflict further damage to your relationship.

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      Tips

      • If your ex reaches out to you when you’ve already established no contact, resist the temptation to respond unless they’re genuinely trying to re-establish the relationship.
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      • If your ex reaches out to you without any intention to repair the relationship, they may be selfishly trying to make themselves feel better.
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      Tips from our Readers

      The advice in this section is based on the lived experiences of wikiHow readers like you. If you have a helpful tip you’d like to share on wikiHow, please submit it in the field below.
      • Going no contact just because you want to get back with your ex can be manipulative. Go no contact to encourage self-care, reconnect with your inner self, and heal from your past relationship, not as a way to get back with your ex.
      • If you want to try rekindling things, text your ex wishing them a happy holiday after the thirty day period is up. Other than that, don’t contact them at all, unless it’s for professional reasons.
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      References

      1. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/having-sex-wanting-intimacy/201612/4-reasons-end-contact-your-ex
      2. ↑ https://kidshealth.org/en/teens/break-up.html
      3. ↑ https://kidshealth.org/en/teens/break-up.html
      4. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/living-forward/201508/5-ways-move-ex-you-still-love
      5. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/intl/blog/love-online/202003/want-contact-your-ex-here-are-5-reasons-why-you-shouldn-t
      6. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/intl/blog/love-online/202003/want-contact-your-ex-here-are-5-reasons-why-you-shouldn-t
      7. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/head-games/201806/3-ways-get-over-your-ex
      8. ↑ https://www.apa.org/topics/divorce-child-custody/healthy
      9. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/intl/blog/meet-catch-and-keep/201707/4-reasons-why-exes-stay-friends
      1. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/intl/blog/valley-girl-brain/201904/should-you-be-friends-your-ex
      2. ↑ https://psychcentral.com/pro/recovery-expert/2019/06/going-no-contact#2
      3. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/modern-minds/202301/10-good-reasons-to-keep-a-journal
      4. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/test-case/201402/breakups-breakthroughs
      5. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-high-functioning-hotspot/202008/the-ultimate-guide-breakups
      6. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-high-functioning-hotspot/202008/the-ultimate-guide-breakups
      7. ↑ https://www.helpguide.org/articles/relationships-communication/making-good-friends.htm
      8. ↑ https://www.helpguide.org/articles/healthy-living/volunteering-and-its-surprising-benefits.htm
      9. ↑ https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC1470658/
      10. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/having-sex-wanting-intimacy/201612/4-reasons-end-contact-your-ex
      11. ↑ https://matchnola.com/six-tips-for-resisting-the-urge-to-reach-out-to-your-ex-2/
      12. ↑ https://www.apa.org/topics/divorce-child-custody/healthy
      13. ↑ https://www.instyle.com/lifestyle/how-to-stay-friends-with-exes-hump-day

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