Gaslighting Is Abuse: 10 Signs It’s Happening to You

Learn to recognize gaslighting in all kinds of relationships

Written by Fernando Campos | Edited by Johnathan Fuentes

Last Updated: May 6, 2024 Fact Checked

Gaslighting is a terrible form of emotional abuse. It occurs when someone manipulates a person into questioning their own sanity, causing them to doubt their feelings and observations about the world. But gaslighting can be hard to recognize, especially if the person doing it is a romantic partner, family member, friend, coworker, or anyone you’re close to. This article lists some of the most common signs of gaslighting and gives advice on how to respond. Keep reading to learn whether someone is gaslighting you—and what to do about it.

This article is based on an interview with our licensed marriage and family therapist, Fernando Campos, founder of Avant-Garde Therapy. Check out the full interview here.

1

They constantly lie to you.

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They tell obvious lies with a straight face. If you show them proof that they’re lying, they dismiss it or accuse you of making it up. If you call them a liar, they turn around and call you a liar. Or they insist they lied for a good reason, like to protect your feelings—or theirs. Whatever the case, they never admit to being in the wrong.
- If you believe someone in your life habitually lies to you, practice self-care by stepping back from the situation. Confide in your support network—friends, family, partners, a professional therapist, or all of the above.
- Unfortunately, confronting a habitual liar probably won’t change their behavior in the long term.
- Being lied to on a regular basis can be extremely disorienting. It can make it hard to trust a person and harms your mental health.

2

They deny their bad behavior.

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They deny lying, hurting your feelings, or doing anything wrong. They insist that you misunderstood them, that you’re remembering things incorrectly, or that you’re making things up to hurt them. They may even blame you for your reaction instead of taking responsibility: “I only called you fat because you let yourself go,” or “You’re just too sensitive! I never tease you.” ^{[1]
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- Stand firm and don’t let their denials cloud your thinking. You saw what you saw, heard what you heard, and you’re not remembering it wrong. And no matter what, you’re not responsible for someone else’s behavior.
- Denials can chip away at your sense of reality by making you doubt your own memories. This is extremely abusive behavior and a classic technique in gaslighting.

3

Their actions don’t match their words.

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They’re always saying one thing, but doing another. They insist they support you, but always criticize your choices. They say they won’t be late, but they’re never on time. They make promises but never keep them. They’re nice to you at one moment and cruel in the next. ^{[2]
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- Believe your eyes and trust your judgment. If someone displays a pattern of behavior, trust the pattern over anything that person says. ^{[3]
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- Gaslighters use words to disguise or erase bad behaviors, and make others see them in a better light. Don’t fall for it.

4

They can’t stand criticism.

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They get angry or dismissive if you complain about their behavior. They take criticism as a personal attack, no matter how gentle, respectful, or irate you become. They claim you’re overreacting or being selfish. They accuse you of lying or exaggerating. Or they dismiss you and refuse to listen, as if to say, “I am who I am. Take it or leave it.” ^{[4]
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- Don’t back down if you feel your criticism is fair, even if the gaslighter refuses to change.
- Constructive criticism is important for healthy relationships, especially in professional settings where bosses and colleagues provide feedback on each other’s work.
- It’s also important in friendships, family relationships, and between romantic partners. Being open to feedback allows us to learn from our mistakes and treat people better.
- By rejecting all criticism or attacking you for giving it, gaslighters make healthy relationships impossible.

Quiz

wikiHow Quiz: Am I Toxic?

“Toxic” people are a hot topic. Typically, this term is used to describe a negative person who regularly devalues others. Everyone’s selfish sometimes, and, on occasion, we all tell white lies. So how do you know if you’re in the normal range…or a total hazard? We’ve got the answers right here. Ready to learn if you’re toxic? Click “Start Quiz.”

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