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Stop a gaslighter in their tracks and regain control of the situation
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“You’re too sensitive.” “That’s not what happened. You’re imagining things.” “Calm down, I was only joking.” If you’ve ever heard these phrases or similar ones from a friend, partner, or family member, odds are, you were being gaslit. How do you respond to someone trying to convince you your feelings are invalid, or even that your entire version of reality is wrong? It’s hard work, but we’ve developed a guide to dealing with a gaslighter below, from confronting them to taking back control over your life. Keep reading to learn more.
Things You Should Know
- When dealing with a gaslighter, calmly confront them by saying their version of events doesn’t match yours.
- Keep a journal of your interactions with the gaslighter so you know exactly what happened, even if they try to persuade you you’re misremembering things.
- Set strong boundaries with the gaslighter to protect your mental health: for instance, tell them you won’t tolerate criticism from them.
Steps
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Take a moment to calm yourself down before you speak. You probably feel really upset, and you have every right to feel that way. At the same time, showing your anger, frustration, or sadness will give the gaslighter more power. Before you speak, focus on your breath, silently count to 10, or visualize your happy place to help you calm yourself down. [1] X Trustworthy Source PubMed Central Journal archive from the U.S. National Institutes of Health Go to source
- For instance, you might count to 5 and then picture yourself spending time with your best friend or cuddling with your dog.
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Explain your version of events in a calm voice if they're lying. Gaslighters may lie about things that happened or question your memory of what occurred. When this happens, calmly tell them what you remember and make it clear that you're not going to accept their version of what happened. Say that you understand their perception is different, but that doesn't mean you're wrong. [2] X Research source
- You might say, “I remember our conversation clearly, and you told me you were coming straight home after work. I understand that you don't remember, but that doesn't mean it didn't happen.”
- Similarly, you could say, “Last week you told me the project was due at the end of the month, so I wrote that on my calendar. I will be happy to move the deadline up to accommodate the new schedule, but this is the first time I'm hearing about it.”
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Ask them to explain a snide joke or comment. Gaslighters often try to undermine your confidence, so they might make mean comments that they brush off as jokes or teasing. This isn't okay, and you deserve to be treated better. When they say these things, question them about why they think it's funny or appropriate to talk to you like that. Use a tone of voice that is calm and understanding so they don't get defensive. [3] X Research source
- Say, “Why do you always joke that I'm lazy? What's funny about it?” or “Do you think your comments about my weight help our relationship? What are you hoping will happen?”
- They may not answer your questions, and that's okay. The goal is to get them to realize that you're not going to let them get away with saying these things. It may make them stop their comments.
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Undermine criticisms by pointing out something you do well. Another way a gaslighter may try to lower your self-esteem is to constantly criticize you. This can destroy your confidence, so it's important to remind both yourself and the gaslighter of your skills and accomplishments. When they criticize you, point out something positive that you did to bolster your self-esteem. [4] X Research source
- They might say something like, “I can't believe you let the house get like this. I'm so disappointed in you.” You might reply, “I'm proud of myself for getting through these past 2 weeks with everything I had on my plate.”
- Similarly, they could say, “You're such a failure, and I feel like I'm carrying your weight.” You might say, “Actually, I got 2 new clients this quarter and improved my numbers. I feel great about my accomplishments.”
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Tell the gaslighter that you expect to be treated with respect. You likely won't be able to change the gaslighter's behavior. However, telling them what you expect will show them that you're aware of what they're doing, which might make them pick a new target. Explain that you expect their behavior to improve if they want a relationship with you. [5] X Research source
- Say, “It's not okay for you to make jokes about me. If this is going to work, you need to treat me with kindness.”
- You could also say, “I really value my position at this company, and your comments are undermining my authority. We both need to respect each other for this business relationship to work.”
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Refuse to argue and leave the interaction. It's unlikely that a gaslighter will admit you're right, even if you have proof. That means arguing is a waste of time and will only make you feel worse. Explain your side of things, then change the topic. If they try to argue with you, excuse yourself from the conversation so you each have space to calm down. [6] X Research source
- You might say, “I can see that you're still upset about what happened, but I don't think arguing about it is productive. Let's both take a few minutes to collect our thoughts.”
- Warning: When you start confronting a gaslighter, they may escalate their behaviors to try to take control of the situation. If this happens, take a step back from the situation because withdrawing gives you more power. If you get upset or argumentative, the gaslighter knows they can still manipulate you. [7] X Research source
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Keep a journal so you have a reminder of what actually happened. Dealing with a gaslighter can make you doubt your own memories and sometimes question your sanity. However, writing down what happens in the moment will help you avoid self-doubt. Record your daily experiences in a paper journal or online. This will give you a record of what really happened. [8] X Research source
- Write down things that the gaslighter typically questions. For instance, record names and dates that they tell you or the details of your conversations.
- Be sure to hide your journal so they can't alter your entries, if that's a concern.
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Identify and avoid the gaslighter's triggers if you can. While it's never your fault when someone gaslights you, avoiding possible triggers for their behavior allows you to take control. When gaslighting happens, write down what was going on before and during the incident. Then, look for commonalities between the incidents so you can discover possible triggers for the behavior. Try to avoid these triggers to minimize incidences of gaslighting. [9] X Research source
- For example, you might notice that your partner tends to engage in gaslighting when you try to talk to them when they're tired. You might have a better conversation if you wait until they're well-rested.
- Similarly, you may notice that your boss tends to gaslight you when end-of-the-quarter pressures are high, so you might try moving your project deadlines to earlier in the quarter.
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Accept that they have different perceptions of what happened. While it's true that gaslighters may tell you outright lies, sometimes they may have convinced themselves that they are right. There's no point in trying to change their mind about what happened. It's totally normal for 2 people to have a different memory about an event, so just agree to disagree. [10] X Research source
- You might tell them, “I know you don't remember this conversation the same way that I do. Let's just agree to disagree about what happened because neither of us is going to change our minds.”
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Limit your contact with the gaslighter if possible. Gaslighters typically won't change their behavior unless they really want to change. The best way to protect yourself is to separate yourself from this abuser. Make changes in your life to help you break free of this person. [11] X Research source
- For instance, consider breaking up with a partner who gaslights you on a regular basis.
- If your boss or coworker is a gaslighter, start searching for a new job.
- If a family member gaslights you, spend more time with loved ones who support you and reduce how often you see the gaslighter.
- In some cases, it’s worth cutting the gaslighter off completely, and in others, distancing yourself from them may be enough to protect yourself.
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Ask your partner to go to couple's counseling if they're gaslighting you. Being in love with a person who's gaslighting you can be painful. However, you might want to do everything possible to save your relationship, and couple's counseling may help. Explain to your partner that you love them but you want help improving your relationship. Then, ask them if they'll go to counseling with you. [12] X Expert Source Lena Dicken, Psy.D
Clinical Psychologist Expert Interview. 5 February 2021.- You might say, "I love you so much, but right now our relationship feels rocky. Will you go to couple's counseling with me so we can build a stronger relationship?"
- Your partner will likely be resistant to the idea of counseling. You might be able to get them on board by showing them how it will help them. Say, "We'll communicate better if we go to counseling," or "I think a counselor would help us fight less, so you'll probably feel less stressed, too."
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Set boundaries to protect yourself from gaslighting. The best way to respond to gaslighting is to withdraw yourself from the situation. This shows the gaslighter that they can't control you. Set boundaries by telling the gaslighter what behaviors you won't tolerate and how you will respond. Then, follow through on your threats. [13] X Research source
- You might say, “If you criticize me, I'm going to walk away,” or “If you're going to question my memory, I'm going to block your phone calls.”
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Spend time with your support network. A gaslighter can tear apart your self-esteem, so surround yourself with people who build you up. Communicate daily with people who make you feel good, either by phone, text, or in person. Additionally, invite your friends or family members to do fun things with you. [14] X Research source
- For instance, host a game night, go out to dinner, or go bowling with your friends. Try to do at least 1 fun event each week.
- Being around people who support you will help you see your value as a person.
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Engage in hobbies and interests that make you feel good about yourself. A gaslighter will try to undermine your self-confidence so they're in control, but feeling good about yourself helps you take the power back. Pick a hobby that makes you feel fulfilled or identify interests that make you happy. Then, schedule time for your hobbies and interests every week. [15] X Trustworthy Source PubMed Central Journal archive from the U.S. National Institutes of Health Go to source
- For example, take an art class, learn to crochet, or join a recreational sports team.
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Use positive self-talk to boost your self-esteem . Unfortunately, you might find yourself repeating the negative comments your gaslighter tells you. Confront these thoughts with positive self-talk to neutralize them. Catch yourself when you're saying something negative to yourself, then replace that thought with a positive or neutral comment. Additionally, tell yourself positive things throughout the day. [16] X Trustworthy Source PubMed Central Journal archive from the U.S. National Institutes of Health Go to source
- For instance, you might catch yourself thinking, “I'm always a disappointment.” Counter that with, “I work hard and have achieved a lot, so I'm not going to let one person's negativity get me down.”
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Work with a therapist if you're struggling on your own. Dealing with a gaslighter can be tough, and you might need additional support. Talk to a therapist to get help working through your feelings, boosting your confidence, and countering the effects of the gaslighter. The therapist will help you learn to change your behaviors and thoughts. [17] X Expert Source Jay Reid, LPCC
Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor Expert Interview. 7 August 2020.- Ask your doctor to refer you to a therapist or look for one online.
- Your therapy appointments may be covered by insurance, so check your benefits.
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Expert Q&A
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QuestionWhat is gaslighting?Dr. Lena Dicken is a Clinical Psychologist based in Santa Monica, California. With over eight years of experience, Dr. Dicken specializes in therapy for anxiety, depression, life transitions, and relationship difficulties. She utilizes an integrative approach combining Psychodynamic, Cognitive Behavioral, and Mindfulness-based therapies. Dr. Dicken holds a BS in Integrative Medicine from the University of Hawaii at Manoa, an MA in Counseling Psychology from Argosy University Los Angeles, and a Doctor of Psychology (Psy.D) in Clinical Psychology from the Chicago School of Professional Psychology at Westwood. Dr. Dicken’s work has been featured in GOOP, The Chalkboard Magazine, and in numerous other articles and podcasts. She is a licensed psychologist with the state of California.The easiest way to describe gaslighting is when somebody makes you feel like your feelings are wrong, like if you describe how you feel and they tell you you're being irrational or unreasonable.
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Tips
- Gaslighting is never your fault, so don't let the person convince you that you're to blame. [18] X Research sourceThanks
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References
- ↑ https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC5455070/
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/social-instincts/202210/3-strategies-to-stop-a-gaslighter
- ↑ https://www.socialworkhelper.com/2016/01/25/the-social-poison-of-gaslighting-and-how-to-deal-with-it/
- ↑ https://www.healthyplace.com/blogs/verbalabuseinrelationships/2017/10/coping-with-verbal-abuse
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/prisons-and-pathos/202104/understanding-and-managing-gaslighting-in-relationships
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/social-instincts/202210/3-strategies-to-stop-a-gaslighter
- ↑ https://www.northpointrecovery.com/blog/gaslighting-examples-effects-confront-abuse/
- ↑ https://psychcentral.com/blog/7-ways-to-extinguish-gaslighting/
- ↑ https://www.healthyplace.com/blogs/verbalabuseinrelationships/2017/10/coping-with-verbal-abuse
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/social-instincts/202210/3-strategies-to-stop-a-gaslighter
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/here-there-and-everywhere/201806/how-get-gaslighter-listen-you
- ↑ Lena Dicken, Psy.D. Clinical Psychologist. Expert Interview. 5 February 2021.
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/modern-dating/202212/5-things-to-know-about-setting-boundaries
- ↑ https://psychcentral.com/blog/7-ways-to-extinguish-gaslighting/
- ↑ https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC2863117/
- ↑ https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC8295361/
- ↑ Jay Reid, LPCC. Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor. Expert Interview. 7 August 2020.
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/here-there-and-everywhere/201806/how-get-gaslighter-listen-you
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