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Standing up for yourself can be really challenging if you're used to letting others have their way or you're a people pleaser . When you trim yourself down to suit everyone else, it can all be too easy to whittle yourself away; learning to stand up for yourself is a way of ensuring other people respect you and don't try to push you around or manipulate you. Unlearning the old habits of self-effacement and gaining the confidence to stand up for yourself won't happen overnight, but the journey to improvement starts with the first step.
Steps
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Have confidence. Developing a strong sense of self-confidence is the first step towards standing up for yourself. [1] X Research source If you don't have any confidence or belief in yourself, how can you expect other people to?
- It's easy for others to spot when someone is down on their luck and lacking in self-confidence -- which makes them an easy target. If you're confident, people will be less likely to tease you or identify you as weak.
- Confidence has to come from within, so do whatever it takes to make you feel better about yourself. Learn a new skill, lose some weight, and repeat positive affirmations daily -- nothing will change overnight, but your confidence will grow in time. [2]
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Expert Source
Guy Reichard
Executive Life Coach Expert Interview. 19 March 2020.
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Set goals for yourself. Goals give you a sense of purpose and control over your own destiny, and they help you realize what you truly want. This is an essential part of standing up for yourself and preventing others from walking all over you. [3] X Expert Source Guy Reichard
Executive Life Coach Expert Interview. 19 March 2020.- Motivate yourself by setting an ambitious but achievable goal over the next few weeks, months or years of your life. [4] X Research source It could be anything -- a promotion at work, a top grade in your next college paper, or running a half-marathon -- as long as it's something that gives you a sense of self-worth.
- When you finally achieve your goals, remember to take a moment to look back on how far you've come and appreciate how much you have achieved. Make a vow that you will never let yourself regress into the unfulfilled person you once were.
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Develop a good attitude. Your attitude is everything -- it impacts how other people perceive you and even how you see yourself. Your attitude sets the tone of your voice, the quality of your thoughts, and is reflected in your facial expressions and body language . [5] X Research source
- Remember that attitude is infectious. If you're bubbly, happy , and bright about things, you'll encourage those around you to feel good about themselves and the world around them. If you're morose, pessimistic, and down about everything, you'll soon infect others with the same negativity.
- We naturally prefer to be hanging around the person who makes us feel good about ourselves, and we're more inclined to listen and respond positively to someone who has a good attitude.
- By the same token, we're more likely to dismiss a person who tries to play the shrinking violet, the victim, or the permanently oppressed. Make the choice to feel and have a positive attitude and you're on your way to standing up for yourself.
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Feel good about yourself physically. While you don't need to look like an iron man or iron woman, your appearance does matter and looking fit, strong and healthy will give you greater confidence and help you to stand up for yourself. [6] X Trustworthy Source PubMed Central Journal archive from the U.S. National Institutes of Health Go to source
- Choose an activity that you enjoy doing -- whether it's weight training, running, dancing or rock climbing -- and throw yourself into it. Not only will you look and feel better physically, but you will also have a lot of fun and become a more interesting and fulfilled person in the process!
- You should also consider starting a martial arts or self-defense class. The inner discipline taught will improve your confidence a great deal and the moves you'll learn to defend yourself will double your confidence and allow you to stand up for yourself should you ever find yourself in a physical fight.
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Be assertive. Assertiveness is the key to standing up for yourself. It isn't just a cliché, it's a bona fide means for improving your chances of getting what you want and for being heard properly. [7] X Research source
- Being assertive enables you to express your wants, needs, and preferences in a way that shows you're prepared to stand up for yourself while still respecting the other person. It involves being open and honest about your thoughts and feelings while trying to work towards a mutually satisfying solution.
- When asserting your feelings and opinions, it's recommended that you use "I" statements, rather than "you" statements, as this is less accusatory and will prevent the other person from going on the defensive. For example, instead of saying "you never ask for my opinion", say something like "I feel ignored when you make decisions without me".
- Assertiveness is, for the main part, a learned skill, so don't feel bad if it doesn't come naturally. There are many excellent books and courses on assertiveness training available. You might like to start by reading the classic When I Say No, I Feel Guilty , by Manuel J Smith, and Your perfect right: A Guide to Assertive Living , by Robert E. Alberti. See also How to be assertive and Communicate in an Assertive Manner .
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Learn how to say no. Learning how to say no is one of the hardest but most important ways of standing up for yourself. If you tend to be a "yes" person who never wants to let anyone down, you risk becoming a door-mat who everyone walks all over and takes advantage of. [8] X Research source
- For example, if your boss keeps asking you to work late when your co-worker has no problem skipping out the door at 6 pm, it can be very difficult to say no. But if this extra workload is putting your personal life and relationships under pressure, you need to put your foot down. Don't put someone else's needs above your own -- learn to say no when necessary.
- Learning to say no will help you to stand up for yourself with friends as well as people who intimidate you. Think about that friend who keeps borrowing money but never pays it back; assertiveness will enable you to ask for that money back and to say no next time, all while maintaining your friendship.
- People may be taken aback at first, but they will learn to accept your new-found determination and may even come to respect it.
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Recognize your body language. The manner in which you stand, walk, and sit makes a big impression on people. Positive body language can be used to garner respect, agreement, and trust , while negative body language (slouching, trying to shrink away) is practically an invitation to being pushed about. [9] X Research source
- Using open body language shows people that you are self-assured, confident and not to be messed with. Open body language includes leaning forward, making eye contact, standing with your hands on your hips and feet apart, using slow and deliberate gestures, facing your heart to people when you meet them and uncrossing your arms or legs.
- Closed body language, on the other hand, sends negative signals and could leave you open to attack. Closed body language includes crossing your arms, clenching your hands, using fast and evasive gestures, fidgeting, avoiding eye contact , and turning your body sideways. [10] X Research source
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Practice standing up for yourself. For many shy people, standing up for themselves is not something that comes naturally, but that's okay. All you need to do is practice -- soon you'll become more confident and more assertive about making your voice heard. [11] X Research source
- Sometimes you may fail to stand up for yourself simply because you cannot articulate what needs to be said at the right moment. Take the time to write out good responses to difficult situations and practice them with a friend using a timer.
- Have your friend pretend to be a difficult or intimidating person who showers you with put-downs. Put on the timer for about 2 minutes and respond away! Keep doing this until you get the hang of it.
- You can also practice standing up for yourself in small, everyday situations. For example, rather than quietly accepting the wrong coffee when the barista gets your order wrong, learn to say "excuse me, I asked for non-fat milk. Could you please make me another?" Soon you'll have the confidence to tackle bigger, more important issues!
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Stay away from negative people. Another aspect of standing up for yourself is trusting your instincts about other people and learning to act on them. For example: [12] X Research source
- If another person is bringing you down with their negativity, don't hang around them; start to politely but firmly distance yourself. You don't owe difficult people any explanation as to why you're spending less time around them.
- Avoid bullies , negative Nellies, and sarcastic Sams. You don't gain anything from being in their presence and you're not doing them any favors by putting up with their nonsense or rewarding them for bad behavior.
- Remember -- keeping away from sources of discomfort and trouble is not running away; it is an important part of learning to stand up for yourself because it demonstrates that you won't let nonsense and nastiness impact your life.
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Defend yourself in a calm and reasonable manner. Defend yourself verbally when attacked, provoked, or sidelined and take care of yourself when someone tries to put you down, box you in, or even hurt you physically. [13] X Research source
- Don't just stand there smoldering; it's far better to speak your mind. Even if the end result doesn't change, you've demonstrated to yourself and others that you won't stand for disrespect.
- More often than not, a polite but firm clarification of the disrespectful comment or behavior will be enough to draw attention to the need for it to change, especially where there is an audience. For example: "Excuse me but I was next in line and I'm in just as much of a hurry as the person who pushed in."
- Avoid whispering, mumbling, or speaking too quickly. The tone of your voice and the speed of your delivery are an important part of clarifying what you want and how confident you're feeling.
- Naturally, the manner in which you defend yourself will depend on the situation and if someone is volatile, always put your safety first.
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Don't be aggressive. You should never resort to outright aggression in the process of standing up for yourself. Being aggressive, or even violent, is counter-productive and will not win you any friends. [14] X Research source
- Acting aggressively -- verbally or otherwise -- is like acting out your pain in full technicolor. It's not a constructive way to get what you want and will simply turn people against you.
- You are far more likely to achieve a positive result if you approach any issues as calmly and objectively as possible. You can still stand your ground and be firm and assertive without having to raise your voice or get angry. [15] X Research source
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Avoid being passive aggressive. Be wary of taking passive aggressive responses toward people and situations. [16] X Trustworthy Source Greater Good Magazine Journal published by UC Berkeley's Greater Good Science Center, which uses scientific research to promote happier living Go to source
- Passive aggressive responses are ones in which you begrudgingly do things against your will and end up filled with resentment and anger , hating people who "make" you feel this way, feeling depressed and helpless.
- This negatively affects your relationships and can take a huge toll on your physical and emotional health. Most of all, a passive-aggressive approach to life will never enable you to stand up for yourself.
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Try to turn negatives into positives. Another way of standing up for yourself is to take the negatives thrown at you and transform them into good things. In the process of turning attacks inside out to find the good, you'll often find that feelings of jealousy or insecurity are at the root of the attack. For example:
- If someone claims you're bossy, rather than letting it cause you to shrink some more, take this as evidence that you're a natural leader , able to manage people and projects well, and a proactive change agent.
- If someone claims you're shy, take it as a compliment that means you're not ready to jump on the latest bandwagon but like to reflect over the consequences first and then make up your mind.
- If someone says you're too sensitive or emotional, let this be a sign that you've got a big heart and aren't afraid to let everyone see it.
- Or maybe someone suggested you're not career-minded enough – for you, that confirms you're living a stress-free life that will help you to live longer.
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Don't give up. No matter how hard you try to increase your confidence, there will be days when you feel that you're backsliding.
- Rather than seeing this as a defeat in your attempt to learn to stand up for yourself, see it for what it is – a day or so where things went temporarily off-track before you feel better and bounce back. Some tricks to help the bounce-back process include:
- Fake it till you make it. Even if you don't feel confident, act as if you do.
- Be consistent in your approach. People will grow to expect that the person you are now is a person who stands up for himself.
- Expect some people to find your more assertive stance challenging. It can take time to reshape the patterns you've formerly established with people who used to walk all over you. In some cases, you'll find you no longer want to be a part of their lives; take it as it comes.
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Expert Q&A
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QuestionHow do I motivate myself to stand up if I'm not an assertive person?Guy Reichard is an Executive Life Coach and the Founder of HeartRich Coaching & Training, a professional life coaching and inner leadership training provider based in Toronto, Ontario, Canada. He works with people to create more meaning, purpose, well-being, and fulfillment in their lives. Guy has over 10 years of personal growth coaching and resilience training experience, helping clients enhance and transform their inner worlds, so they can be a more positive and powerful influence on those they love and lead. He is an Adler Certified Professional Coach (ACPC), and is accredited by the International Coach Federation. He earned a BA in Psychology from York University in 1997 and a Master of Business Administration (MBA) from York University in 2000.It's better to look focus on your strengths than it is to worry over your weaknesses. I would suggest digging deep inside to try and figure out where your strengths lie.
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QuestionWhy is it so hard for me to stand up for myself?Guy Reichard is an Executive Life Coach and the Founder of HeartRich Coaching & Training, a professional life coaching and inner leadership training provider based in Toronto, Ontario, Canada. He works with people to create more meaning, purpose, well-being, and fulfillment in their lives. Guy has over 10 years of personal growth coaching and resilience training experience, helping clients enhance and transform their inner worlds, so they can be a more positive and powerful influence on those they love and lead. He is an Adler Certified Professional Coach (ACPC), and is accredited by the International Coach Federation. He earned a BA in Psychology from York University in 1997 and a Master of Business Administration (MBA) from York University in 2000.It's hard to push yourself to do something if you don't think you can pull it off. It's difficult to be confident if you've never done something before, so try not to put too much stock in this. The more often you stand up for yourself, the easier it will be.
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QuestionAny advice on how to not care about what others think?Community AnswerTell yourself that you are the only one who can control who you are. No one else has any power over you. You can defeat them, no matter what they say. See further: How to Not Care What People Think .
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Tips
- Make sure to think about what you are going to say or do beforehand.Thanks
- Love yourself as much as you can. Don't shame yourself for being afraid, know that step by step you are becoming less fearful.Thanks
- Smile. If you're not scared or intimidated, you smile, and that shows people something about you -- that you are not afraid.Thanks
Tips from our Readers
The advice in this section is based on the lived experiences of wikiHow readers like you. If you have a helpful tip you’d like to share on wikiHow, please submit it in the field below.
- When defending yourself, avoid outright aggression or violence if possible, as it is often counterproductive and can make you enemies. However, if you are physically attacked, you may have to fight back to protect yourself. Prioritize your safety, but stand firm.
- When asserting you needs, use "I feel" statements instead of "you" statements. These are less accusatory and can prevent the other person from feeling defensive. For instance, say "I feel excluded when decisions are made without me" instead of "You exclude me."
- If you're insulted, play it off by laughing lightly and saying something like, "If you say so." Then, redirect their attention to something else. This shows them that responding to their insult isn't worth your time.
- If you're learning how to advocate for yourself, ask trusted friends or family to support you. Having some backup can give you confidence, empower you, and help you find your voice.
- Remember to be yourself. Those who don't accept you as you are can leave. There's no need to please everyone, so don't change for other people. Stay true to yourself.
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Warnings
- Don't try to fit in with people who are going to change you. Find friends who accept you for who you are, and make sure they are good friends.Thanks
- Don't worry about people who find the more assertive you confronting; you can always suggest things they can do to help themselves but you don't need to explain yourself, apologize, or stay glued to them. It's your life; keep standing up for yourself!Thanks
- Avoid saying things like "I've got to stand up for myself". This informs people you're in training rather than confident enough yet. Don't give them that inch; instead, let them assume you're already standing up for yourself.Thanks
- This is a guide, not a rulebook. The rulebook should reside in your own heart, built from your own experiences and preferences. Take from it what you will; discard what isn't applicable to you.Thanks
- Expect that sometimes, other people who need to learn to stand up for themselves will prove to be troublesome adversaries. You'll instinctively sense their pain and weaknesses because they're reflecting your own experiences but this is not a reason to let down your guard and let them hurt or disrespect you. Help them to see their way past insecure behaviors if you can but don't join their misery spiral.Thanks
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References
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/basics/confidence
- ↑ Guy Reichard. Executive Life Coach. Expert Interview. 19 March 2020.
- ↑ Guy Reichard. Executive Life Coach. Expert Interview. 19 March 2020.
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/science-choice/201704/7-tips-setting-achievable-goals
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/click-here-happiness/201909/four-simple-ways-develop-more-positive-attitude
- ↑ https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC5068479/
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/basics/assertiveness
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/mind-matters-menninger/202111/the-power-saying-no
- ↑ https://www.cnbc.com/2016/09/14/7-body-language-tricks-to-exude-confidence.html
- ↑ Nicholas Boothman, How to Make People Like You in 90 Seconds or Less , pp. 49-50, (2000), ISBN 0-9578081-8-6
- ↑ https://www.nytimes.com/2019/06/03/smarter-living/how-to-improve-self-confidence.html
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/no-more-regrets/201101/want-be-happier-steer-clear-toxic-people
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/is-psychology-making-us-sick/201605/do-you-know-how-defend-yourself
- ↑ https://www.nytimes.com/guides/year-of-living-better/how-to-stand-up-for-yourself
- ↑ http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/evolution-the-self/201209/how-and-how-not-stand-yourself
- ↑ https://greatergood.berkeley.edu/article/item/how_to_stop_passive_aggression_from_ruining_your_relationship
About This Article
Article Summary
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If you’re having trouble standing up for yourself, practice projecting confidence by standing up straight when you walk, holding your head high, and looking people in the eyes when you talk to them. Learn to say “no” when people ask you to do things that you don’t want to do, even if it’s hard. As you get more confident, speak up when someone says or does something that puts you down. For instance, if someone insults you, calmly but firmly say something like, “That’s very hurtful. Please don’t say that again.” For tips on how setting goals for yourself can help you stand up for yourself, read on!
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- "I had always felt like I wasn't good enough, because my friends were comparing me to my twin sister. They said that she was smarter, better, and nicer than me, even though we are both the same in all of those. This article helped me see that I'm important and special, and my self esteem should show that." ..." more
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"I had always felt like I wasn't good enough, because my friends were comparing me to my twin sister. They said that she was smarter, better, and nicer than me, even though we are both the same in all of those. This article helped me see that I'm important and special, and my self esteem should show that."
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"Avoid whispering, mumbling, or speaking too quickly. In third method, part with defending yourself in calm way, helped me realize how to look assertive and not show fear. It actually helps me to say exactly what I mean, not in confused and scared way."
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"My tip is to be who you would like to be, put your own needs first, and don't fear what others may think. Don't let others feel it's OK to sit in judgment of you or put you down, be strong no matter what."
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"I need more practice to stand up for myself, but it is scary being afraid of more personal attacks. The more I practice being assertive, the less anxious I will feel, and will feel more confident."
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