How to Accept Defeat Gracefully

Co-authored by Sandra Possing

Last Updated: September 28, 2024 References

There is a difference between getting defeated and feeling defeated. Instead of dwelling upon what went wrong, try to focus your attention on what you can do right next time. Remind yourself that this too shall pass. Try to let go of what you cannot change and do your best to be respectful toward whomever or whatever has defeated you.

Part 1

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Letting Go

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Become aware of your emotions. ^{[1]
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Sandra Possing
Life Coach

Expert Interview. 13 August 2020.} Think about what you just experienced, and try to understand how you are currently responding to it. If you are angry, ask yourself why you are angry. If you are disappointed, ask yourself what you hoped to achieve. Before you accept or control your emotions, you must first understand them. ^{[2]
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- Think about how you would have felt if you had not been defeated. Compare the two states, and consider what remains the same between the two outcomes.
- Consider writing your thoughts down. ^{[3]
  X
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  Sandra Possing
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  Expert Interview. 13 August 2020.} Speak to a trusted friend or family member about your feelings. You probably know how you best process emotions – so do what you need to do to come to terms with the situation.
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Validate yourself. Tell yourself that there is no way to "feel wrong". No emotion is inherently good or bad. They simply are, and it's healthy to embrace them. ^{[4]
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Sandra Possing
Life Coach

Expert Interview. 13 August 2020.} Acknowledge the fact that whatever you are feeling is entirely acceptable.
- Bear in mind that while it is important to embrace emotions, it may be unwise to follow certain feelings (such as anger or self-loathing) to their logical conclusions.
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Keep perspective. You may not have been able to prevent your defeat, but you can control your reaction towards it. Take a deep breath, and try to be as levelheaded as possible. Remind yourself that what has happened has happened, and that you cannot change it. This attitude will allow you to be flexible and adaptable – and you may find yourself better at handling negativity and loss in future situations.
- Remember that life goes on one defeat may not be important in the larger scheme of things.
A situation can always be worse. Consider whether there is a silver lining that you haven't yet seen. Try to find the humor in what has happened, and keep a smile on your face – even though it may be hard for you to crack a natural smile. You may find that the situation is funnier, smaller, or more absurd once you take a step back from your personal investment.
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Let go of defeat. When you fail, your emotions can distort your perspective. Do not linger on what happened, and do not let your defeat continue to defeat you. You might feel yourself welling up with anger, frustration, or indignation: feelings that, in this case, will only feed themselves. Learn to recognize these non-accepting emotions, catch hold of them, and cast them aside. ^{[5]
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- You can move on by letting go, or you can move on by seeking retribution. Letting go will release you from your defeat, while the quest for retribution will only tie you to the defeat.
- Let go of self-judgment. Accept that failure is merely a part of life. People have and will always deal with defeat – it is a matter of perspective.
- If your opponent is being a poor sport, don't lash out. It doesn't change the fact that they won, and it damages your image.

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Being a Good Sport

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Lose with grace. Show respect to whomever or whatever has defeated you. Shake hands with your opponent, and congratulate her on a job well done. Whether you lost a fight, a debate, or a competition, try not to resort to pettiness. You won't be able to reverse the results by complaining about them, or by acting bitter toward the winner. Be as polite and gracious as possible. ^{[6]
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- Thank them for their time and congratulate them on their skills and their win. If you are a gracious loser, the victor will likely feel uncomfortable boasting about their win in front of you. This changes the situation from a winner-loser game to a moment between two people who respect each other and have just finished an enjoyable pastime.
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Don't let judgment get to you. If others will judge you for being defeated, let them do so. ^{[7]
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Research source} You know who you are, and you don't need to justify yourself to someone else who doesn't know your heart. Be your own center. Losing with class turns your loss into a much bigger victory than any win would.
- Others have a responsibility to encourage everyone to participate. If they forget their role, you must not forget yours. Be excited about pursuing your interests.
- If your opponent is mocking you, that means they're worried that you might be motivated by your loss. Ignore them; the more you listen to them, the more you accept their words as fact.
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Do not lay blame. If you blame another person, group, or set of circumstances for your defeat, you will keep yourself from accepting what happened. If you blame yourself, you will make yourself miserable, and you'll miss out on the chance to grow from the experience. Try to take the situation exactly as it is: what happened, happened, and no amount of blaming will reverse that. ^{[8]
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- Think about what happened. Did practice prepare you for the situation you faced? Did your team communicate well? Whatever the case, try to address it at the next practice.
4
Focus on admiring how well your opponent played rather than your own defeat. Praise them for a particularly clever or effective move. This has the added benefit of letting you take effective strategies from them and figure out flaws in their strategy.
- If your opponent cheated, wait until you've calmed down; then, talk to those in charge. Don't make a scene; after all, you're supposed to be the honorable one, and you may ruin your case if you act rashly.
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Admit that you were wrong. If you lost a debate or an argument, you can improve your image by admitting that you were wrong or defeated. Consider apologizing, acknowledging your mistake, or explaining how you were wrong; after all, it's more shameful and immature to cling to what's wrong than admitting someone else is right. ^{[9]
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- Consider that we all make mistakes and are wrong at many points in our lives. It's part of our development, and a large part of what helps us mature.
- You will lose credibility if you handle the situation in a petty and immature way. If you respond positively, onlookers and your opponent will see that you can accept when you're wrong. ^{[10]
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Part 3

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Moving Forward

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Try to learn from what happened. ^{[11]
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Sandra Possing
Life Coach

Expert Interview. 13 August 2020.} If you can take loss as a learning experience rather than an abject failure, then you can transcend what happened and move on with your life. You may have been defeated, but you need not be defeatist. ^{[12]
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Research source} If you finish tall, reflect and learn, and move on with a smile on your face, you haven't been defeated. You've grown, and you've been taught a lesson. If you carry yourself in the same way any other time you are defeated, you'll find it easier and easier every time – and you may come to realize that you've won in a different way: by improving yourself, and by learning.
- Try to take it as a premise that failure has a role in your journey. Ask yourself about the purpose of this failure; what you can learn from it; and why it happened.
- Think about why you failed, and whether you could have done anything. Ask yourself whether you unconsciously forced yourself to fail because you are unsure of the goal you're trying to reach.
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Improve on your mistakes. ^{[13]
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Sandra Possing
Life Coach

Expert Interview. 13 August 2020.} Think back on what happened, and look for lessons. Analyse the situation objectively. Figure out what you can realistically do to stop this from happening again – and make it actionable. Focus on the future.
- The more you focus on your next win, the better you may feel about your last defeat. Not all winners have won their first match. If you don't accept defeat gracefully, you will act rashly. People may notice if you don't handle your loss in a mature way.
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Keep playing the game. No matter what led to your defeat, make sure that you don't let it stop you from doing what you love. Most people come up against failure at one point or another – including (and perhaps especially) winners. You'll never improve if you don't keep trying, and you may regret it later if you quit based on this one defeat.
- Failure is an important part of growing and getting better at what you do. ^{[14]
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  Sandra Possing
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  Expert Interview. 13 August 2020.} Many people fail their way to success. Thomas Edison failed many times before inventing the light bulb, but he was able to persevere forward.
- When you finally do win, take some time to reflect. How have your failures helped you? You'll feel far more satisfied when you have all that struggle behind you.

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How do I accept defeat?

Sandra Possing
Life Coach
Sandra Possing is a life coach, speaker, and entrepreneur based in the San Francisco Bay Area. Sandra specializes in one-on-one coaching with a focus on mindset and leadership transformation. Sandra received her coaching training from The Coaches Training Institute and has seven years of life coaching experience. She holds a BA in Anthropology from the University of California, Los Angeles.

Sandra Possing

Life Coach

Expert Answer

Allow yourself to feel what you're feeling, whether that's anger, sadness, or bitterness. Talk these feelings out with someone you trust or write it down in a journal. Once you've gotten your feelings out in the open, focus on learning from your defeat. Failure is an important part of improving, so you'll be more successful if you take that defeat and use it to learn and grow.

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How do I accept defeat, when against all odds, that Sombra-main team-wiped us on the last second of overtime? I feel so salty and mad, that I don't know what to do. Help?

Paul Chernyak, LPC
Licensed Professional Counselor
Paul Chernyak is a Licensed Professional Counselor in Chicago. He graduated from the American School of Professional Psychology in 2011.

Paul Chernyak, LPC

Licensed Professional Counselor

Expert Answer

Try to distract yourself and get your mind off the event. Come back to it later and try to determine how you can learn from your mistakes and do better next time.

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What if I lost, but I don't feel my opponent earned/deserved to win?

Paul Chernyak, LPC
Licensed Professional Counselor
Paul Chernyak is a Licensed Professional Counselor in Chicago. He graduated from the American School of Professional Psychology in 2011.

Paul Chernyak, LPC

Licensed Professional Counselor

Expert Answer

It does not matter what you feel. You need to accept reality and what happened. Without acceptance, you just end up resisting reality since you cannot go back and change the outcome.

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Once you stop taking defeat personally, you may find it easier to overcome it. Defeat your defeat with positive thinking.

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Defeat should be strictly connected to the situation – not the people. The goal is to win a competition, not "beat" another person. If you will have many opponents, your goal should be the game. This approach may change your outlook towards the word "defeat". Think of it less as playing against an opponent, and more like playing against the game.

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How to Accept Defeat Gracefully

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Letting Go

Being a Good Sport

Moving Forward

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