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Being around negative people can drain your energy and cause you to feel trapped and overwhelmed. Learning to recognize the negative people in your life, and finding ways to avoid them will result in a more sustainable and satisfying life for you. If you can't avoid the person completely, there are other ways to handle the person's negativity and limit the effect it has on your life. [1]
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Expert Source
Michelle Shahbazyan, MS, MA
Life Coach
Expert Interview. 18 March 2020.
Steps
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1Walk away. If you see the person coming, turn around and walk in the other direction. Cross the street, or duck into a shop. If you're lucky, the person you're avoiding won't have seen your maneuver. [2] X Research source
- If you notice them, keep turning your gaze as if you didn't see anything that caught your eye. That way, if they approach you, you can say that you didn't see them.
- If you know their routine, consider avoiding the places where they tend to hang out, or go at a time when the person is unlikely to be there.
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2Stay busy. To avoid someone, make sure you're never available for conversation. Keep your phone handy, so you can pretend to be completely engaged in it if the person you're trying to avoid shows up unexpectedly. [3] X Research source
- Making eye contact invites communication, so if you accidentally encounter the negative person, try to avoid looking them in the eye. Instead, pretend to be busy looking elsewhere.
- If you know anyone else in the vicinity, get involved in a conversation. When the negative person sees you engaged in a conversation with another person, she's unlikely to interrupt with her negative remarks.
- If they approach you, try saying "Oh, hi! I was just going to ____. Where are you headed?" After they say where they're going, say "Well, I won't keep you. See you later!"
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3Surround yourself with people who lift you up. While nobody is positive 100% of the time, look for people who typically help you feel good about yourself and the world around you. [4] X Expert Source Michelle Shahbazyan, MS, MA
Life Coach Expert Interview. 18 March 2020. Choose to focus on these people.- Limit your responses to negative topics to neutral ones, such as, "I see," or "Okay." When someone gives a positive response, react with enthusiasm.
- When negative subjects arise, it's okay to change the subject.
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4Hang out in groups. If you can, make sure that there are other people around when you're with the negative person. More people will help disperse her negative energy, and help you keep perspective.
- If the group energy is mostly positive, then you'll be less effected by the negative energy coming from the person you're trying to avoid.
- The negative person may behave differently in a group setting.
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5Refuse to get involved in an argument. Arguments only strengthen the social ties between yourself and the negative person. If you're trying to avoid the person, you should let them know that you're done with the conversation, and simply walk away. [5] X Research source
- If they say something rude or offensive, respond with an "Okay then" or "Huh. Anyway..." with a subject change.
- Don't debate your decision to avoid the person. This isn't a choice that needs to be made together.
- Don't defend yourself from attack. Arguing gives them a foothold into your life. Instead, shrug it off and act indifferent. If they persist, say something like "If you call me names again, I'm leaving."
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6Block the person on social media. If you're serious about avoiding the negative person in your life, don't engage with them on social media. Allowing someone to post on your Facebook wall, or take over a conversational thread, only furthers their hold on your life. [6] X Research source
- Be prepared for the person to react negatively to being cut from your social media feed.
- You may need to block the person from contacting you by email as well.
- If the person doesn't respect your boundaries, and continues to try to contact you after repeated blocks and lack of response on your part, you may need to seek additional help.
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7Remember that you don't owe them an explanation. Deciding what your boundaries are, who you are going to spend time with, and who you choose to avoid, are all personal decisions that each individual has the right to make for herself. You don't have to explain your decision to anyone unless you feel like it. [7] X Research source
- If you want to explain it, consider a brief note or in-person notice. It's best to keep it short.
- A longer explanation can quickly become a debate about whether or not you're right, when all you really need to do is tell them calmly that you've decided to end the friendship.
Tip: If you want to keep it extra polite, you can always say "I just don't think we're friendship-compatible" or "I don't think we get along well." That way, you're not blaming anyone.
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1Consider hearing them out and being there for them. Reflect on a time when you were struggling with something difficult and how that made you feel. This person may be going through a rough time and simply be in need of someone to listen to them. [8] X Expert Source Nicolette Tura, MA
Empowerment Coach Expert Interview. 23 January 2020. Try showing some empathy and validating their feelings before rushing to judgment. [9] X Expert Source Michelle Shahbazyan, MS, MA
Life Coach Expert Interview. 18 March 2020.- For example, perhaps the person just got out of a long-term relationship and is feeling hopeless about their prospects for finding a loving partner. They might really appreciate you saying something like, “I have noticed you have been having a hard time lately. Do you want to talk about it?”
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2Understand the reason for the person's negativity. Recognizing why they're being so negative can help you deal with them better. Usually negativity comes from one of 3 basic fears: the fear of being disrespected, the fear of not being loved, and the fear that something bad is going to happen. [10] X Research source
- See if you can provide reassurance about the fear that the person is dealing with.
- Try addressing the area of concern rather than the specific complaint. For example, if your negative friend is complaining about the way her boss treats her, she might be concerned about her financial security (if she loses her job) and her pride or self-esteem (if she's being treated negatively). Rather than engage in complaints about her boss, focus on the economic upturn in your local economy, or that her job has a lot of room for growth.
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3Keep it light. Some people find it hard to talk about certain topics without quickly becoming negative. If you're trying to avoid negative people, stay away from those topics that are likely to deteriorate into complaints and self-pity. If a topic like this comes up, quickly steer the conversation into lighter ground.
- Try talking about the latest movie you've seen, happy news, or your hobbies might help your friend be more positive.
- Have compassion for yourself through this process. [11]
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Expert Source
Nicolette Tura, MA
Empowerment Coach Expert Interview. 23 January 2020. If you don't allow yourself to become derailed by self-judgment, you'll be more able to successfully navigate your friendship.
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4Find common ground. If you realize that your friend is just offering their perspective, or not being intentionally manipulative, it may be easier for you to find the common ground in what they've said. Often, resistance and disagreement encourages negative spirals of conversation that can be avoided simply by identifying with something the person has said. [12] X Research source
- For example, if your husband says, "Shut up, I'm not finished," you can choose to respond by saying, "I'm sorry, please go on." This response connects with his perspective (that you interrupted) and deflates the negative spiral.
- On the other hand, if your husband says, "Shut up, I'm not finished," and you say, "I didn't interrupt, and you're a jerk," you'll only escalate the negative tension.
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5Seek the help of a mediator or therapist. A specialist can help you analyze your dynamic and find ways to change it and/or limit contact respectfully. They can help you figure out more effective ways to respond to this person.
- Sometimes the key is recognizing that it's okay not to agree about everything. People can have different perspectives and still get along, as long as those perspectives are both reasonable and based in somewhat similar values.
- In romantic relationships, around 60% of problems may be insurmountable. The issue isn't the fact of the problem in the relationship, but the way in which the couple chooses to handle it. [13] X Research source
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6Control your response to the negative person. Journaling, meditation, and yoga have all been shown to be effective tools in handling ongoing relationships with negative people. [14] X Expert Source Nicolette Tura, MA
Empowerment Coach Expert Interview. 23 January 2020. Using mindfulness exercises to bring your attention to your own response, rather than reacting to the actions of the negative person, have been shown to be successful in clinical research conducted by psychologists. [15] X Trustworthy Source Greater Good Magazine Journal published by UC Berkeley's Greater Good Science Center, which uses scientific research to promote happier living Go to source- Other beneficial practices included concentration meditation and training designed to promote empathy.
- This research suggests that regardless of the actions of another person, it's possible to manage your own response and minimize the negative impact another person has upon your life.
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1Notice that someone is a negative person. The first step in avoiding negative people is to recognize when they're in your life. If you're consistently drained, depressed or exhausted after spending an hour with someone in your life, think about why this may be. Do you look forward to seeing the person? Or are you spending time with them for other reasons, such as feeling sorry for the person or wanting to help them with difficult parts of their life?
- Do I dread spending time with them?
- Do I help them because I feel sorry for them?
- If I was just meeting them for the first time, would I want to be friends?
- Do they see themselves as a victim?
- Do they tend to get "stuck" on negative topics and exaggerate how bad things are?
- Do they seem to have an external locus of control, meaning that they feel powerless about their life and circumstances?
Tip: Keeping a journal of your emotions can help you notice your feelings around others. If you notice that you feel depleted after a social activity with a friend, write it down. Notice if you experience similar feelings with this person on other days, or with other people. [16] X Trustworthy Source University of Rochester Medical Center Leading academic medical center in the U.S. focused on clinical care and research Go to source
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2Think about the way the person acts towards you. Don't worry about why they act this way (e.g. divorce, bad childhood, etc.) or try to make excuses. Focus on their behavior towards you now. Thinking about how the person treats you can help you consider whether you want to keep them in your life. [17] X Research source
- Does the person boss you around a lot?
- Do they make time for your point of view, or do they steamroll over you?
- Do they take you seriously if you say that their behavior is upsetting you or others?
- Have they ever called you names?
- Do they blame you for not doing or knowing things that you were never told about?
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3Identify what you enjoy about the person. Taking a quiz or going through a checklist of positive qualities might help you identify what you like about someone in your life. It's important to discern what you enjoy about someone's company, because if you don't know what you get out of the relationship, chances are you'll find yourself repeating this process with another negative person. Here are a few examples of things you might like about toxic people:
- You enjoy helping others, so you feel good when you swoop in to "fix" everything.
- You sometimes feel overwhelmed by life, so despite this person's controlling nature, you like having them come help you.
- You don't act on many of your desires, so watching them do whatever they feel like regardless of consequences is intriguing.
Did You Know? Most people have a mix of good, bad, and neutral qualities. It's possible that the negative person could be smart, funny, or otherwise positive in some ways.
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4Find other ways to get what you need. If you've identified some traits in your friend that you enjoy, try to think of ways to get that positive experience in other, healthier, ways. For example, if you like helping people, spend time volunteering with a charitable organizations. If you liked spending time with the person because they shared your interests, find a group of friends who share similar interests.
- Try a "meetup" group or other special interest group, which will be full of potential new friends who share your interest.
- Find the positive qualities in your own life that don't include the negative person.
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5Limit the amount of time you spend with the person. Find other ways to fill your time, so that you're often too busy to spend time with the negative person. Develop other friendships that encourage your positive feelings and make sure to be kind to yourself as well. Set aside some time each day for self-care activities, such as taking a walk, engaging in a favorite hobby, or getting a manicure. [18] X Research source
- Creating distance from another person often involves giving yourself internal permission, realizing that it's okay to take care of yourself by avoiding the negative person.
- Trust that this is a process, and you won't be able to shed yourself of a negative person overnight. This is particularly true if the negative person is someone you've known for a long time, a relative or spouse.
- Be gentle with yourself as you disengage from the negative person.
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Expert Q&A
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QuestionHow can I stop my own negativity?Michelle Shahbazyan is the Founder of The LA Life Coach, a concierge life, family, and career coaching service based in Los Angeles, California. She has over 10 years of experience with life coaching, consulting, motivational speaking, and matchmaking. She has a BA in Applied Psychology and an MS in Building Construction and Technology Management from Georgia Tech University, and a MA in Psychology with an emphasis on Marriage and Family Therapy from Phillips Graduate University.Ask yourself if are you happy with who you are and how you are. If you are, great. Move forward. If you're not, find those little things along the way and make changes. When you're internally satisfied with who you are, you can always find ways to be positive and motivated in your life.
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References
- ↑ Michelle Shahbazyan, MS, MA. Life Coach. Expert Interview. 18 March 2020.
- ↑ https://www.hercampus.com/school/bryant/how-avoid-someone-pro
- ↑ https://www.hercampus.com/school/bryant/how-avoid-someone-pro
- ↑ Michelle Shahbazyan, MS, MA. Life Coach. Expert Interview. 18 March 2020.
- ↑ https://theartofcharm.com/empowerment/cut-toxic-people-life/
- ↑ https://theartofcharm.com/empowerment/cut-toxic-people-life/
- ↑ https://theartofcharm.com/empowerment/cut-toxic-people-life/
- ↑ Nicolette Tura, MA. Empowerment Coach. Expert Interview. 23 January 2020.
- ↑ Michelle Shahbazyan, MS, MA. Life Coach. Expert Interview. 18 March 2020.
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/sapient-nature/201303/dealing-negative-people
- ↑ Nicolette Tura, MA. Empowerment Coach. Expert Interview. 23 January 2020.
- ↑ https://psychotherapist.org/myths-and-truths-about-happy-couples.html
- ↑ https://psychotherapist.org/myths-and-truths-about-happy-couples.html
- ↑ Nicolette Tura, MA. Empowerment Coach. Expert Interview. 23 January 2020.
- ↑ https://greatergood.berkeley.edu/images/uploads/Kemeny_Contemplative_Emotion_Training.pdf
- ↑ https://www.urmc.rochester.edu/encyclopedia/content.aspx?ContentTypeID=1&ContentID=4552
- ↑ https://theartofcharm.com/empowerment/cut-toxic-people-life/
- ↑ https://theartofcharm.com/empowerment/cut-toxic-people-life/
About This Article
Article Summary
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To avoid a negative person in public, try pretending to be engaged with your phone and avoiding eye contact to give the impression that you're preoccupied. If you have to be around them in a work or social environment, try to hang out in groups so you don't get caught alone with them. Additionally, don't engage with the negative person on social media, and block them if they continue to harass you. You should also bear in mind that you don't owe them an explanation for keeping your distance, so try not to feel guilty about protecting yourself. For more tips from our Counselor co-author, including how to recognize negativity in people, read on!
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Reader Success Stories
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"Usually after having a talk with my mother-in-law I had severe headaches for several days. I felt down thinking about her problems. Now I don't take it personally. I just try not to think about her problems. I feel much better :)"
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