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Encountering disrespectful behavior from others can be unnerving and upsetting. If someone has been disrespectful to you, you may be left wondering how to respond—or if you should respond at all. Take some time to assess what happened and figure out if the other person really intended to be disrespectful. If you feel the need to address their behavior, take some time to calm down and think about how to react first. Be empathetic, but don’t be afraid to stand up for yourself if you need to!
Steps
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Try to determine the disrespectful person’s intent. Disrespectful behavior is always aggravating, but it’s not always intentional. Give the other person the benefit of the doubt, and don’t automatically conclude that they are intentionally out to hurt you. Ask yourself if the rude behavior is part of a consistent pattern or a one-off event, and think about whether or not it seems to be directed at you personally. [1] X Research source- For example, if someone calls you names or purposefully pushes you out of their way, it’s pretty clear they are being intentionally disrespectful.
- On the other hand, if someone sends out a group email about an upcoming study group and doesn’t include you, it’s possible that they simply forgot to add your email to the list.
- Likewise, if someone makes an uncouth comment in front of you, it could be that they simply don’t realize they’re touching on a sensitive subject.
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Ask for clarification if necessary. It’s easy to misunderstand other people’s words or actions. If you’re not sure whether someone is intentionally being disrespectful, sometimes it can be helpful to ask. Keep your tone calm and use words that are neutral and non-confrontational.- For example, if someone says something you think might have been disrespectful, you could say, “What did you mean when you said that?”
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Be empathetic with the other person if you can. Even if their behavior was pretty clearly disrespectful, do your best not to take it personally. [2] X Expert Source Nicolette Tura, MA
Empowerment Coach Expert Interview. 23 January 2020. Consider what the disrespectful person might be going through or what the underlying reasons for their behavior might be. [3] X Research source- For example, some people may become snappish with others when they’re stressed or feeling ill.
- If they’re tired or distracted, they may simply forget social niceties like holding open doors or saying “Hi!” when they enter a room.
- Being empathetic doesn’t mean that you have to excuse the disrespectful behavior, but it can help you understand where the other person is coming from and react more appropriately.
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Assess your own reaction to what they said or did. Sometimes your reaction to someone else’s behavior says more about your own emotional state than about anything they did. Take a moment to consider why you are upset by their words or actions, and ask yourself whether your reaction is justified. [4] X Expert Source Nicolette Tura, MA
Empowerment Coach Expert Interview. 23 January 2020.- For example, you might say to yourself, “I’m upset with Susan because she hasn’t called me back yet, but that’s probably because my ex was always blowing me off and ignoring my calls. She might just be busy; I’ll give her a little more time.”
Tip: Think about whether you are making assumptions or reacting emotionally based on past experiences. [5] X Research source
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Take a moment to calm down if you’re upset. [6] X Expert Source Nicolette Tura, MA
Empowerment Coach Expert Interview. 23 January 2020. Dealing with disrespectful behavior can be very upsetting. However, responding impulsively or saying the first thing that pops into your head can just escalate the situation and lead to unnecessary conflict. If you’re upset, take a moment to breathe and get your feelings under control. [7] X Trustworthy Source American Psychological Association Leading scientific and professional organization of licensed psychologists Go to source If you have to, excuse yourself and leave the room for a few minutes.- You might try counting to 10 or doing a grounding exercise, like looking around and seeing how many blue things you can spot.
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Determine whether it’s worthwhile to respond. If the disrespectful behavior was relatively mild or was just a one-time event, it’s usually best to ignore it and move on. Confronting the person may not help anything, and could even escalate the situation. However, if the behavior is part of a consistent pattern or if it is interfering with your daily life or your ability to work, a confrontation may be justified. [8] X Trustworthy Source Greater Good Magazine Journal published by UC Berkeley's Greater Good Science Center, which uses scientific research to promote happier living Go to source- For example, if your partner or spouse regularly says rude things to you or refuses to take your feelings into account, it’s time to have a talk.
- On the other hand, if a stranger cuts ahead of you in line at the grocery store, it’s probably not worth your time and energy to confront them about it.
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Try disarming them with kindness. If someone is being disrespectful or rude, responding with kindness can take them by surprise and encourage them to rethink their behavior. Instead of getting upset or retaliating, try deescalating the situation with a smile and a few kind words. [9] X Research source- For example, if a coworker snaps at you to get out of their way, step aside, smile, and say, “Of course, sorry. Would you like a hand carrying that stuff?”
Note: If the person’s rude behavior persists or is part of a long-term pattern, however, you may need to take a more assertive approach.
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Speak to the other person directly if you decide to confront them. If you feel that someone is being disrespectful to you, it’s usually best to talk to them one-on-one. For example, if you’re dealing with a rude coworker, talk to them first before going directly to your boss. Going over the person’s head could ultimately lead to resentment and make the problem worse. If there’s a simple misunderstanding at the root of the problem, you could also hurt their feelings or get them into trouble unnecessarily.- In extreme cases, however, bypassing the disrespectful person could be justified. For example, if someone is severely bullying you at school or at work, don’t hesitate to report the problem to someone in authority. [10] X Trustworthy Source American Psychological Association Leading scientific and professional organization of licensed psychologists Go to source
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Stop and decide what to say before you speak. You may be tempted to lash out at the rude person and give them a piece of your mind. However, doing so is unlikely to be helpful. [11] X Expert Source Nicolette Tura, MA
Empowerment Coach Expert Interview. 23 January 2020. Instead, make sure that whatever you plan to say is true, helpful, and necessary for getting your point across.- Insulting the other person or making unfair accusations won’t encourage them to rethink their behavior, and is usually unnecessarily hurtful.
- Speaking to the other person calmly and deliberately is also more likely to disarm them and break their cycle of rude behavior. [12] X Research source
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Be direct but polite. When you do confront the other person, be clear and matter-of-fact about the issue. Calmly explain what the problem is and how their behavior is affecting you. Don’t be afraid to firmly but politely ask them to explain their behavior. [13] X Research source- Use I-focused language so that the other person does not feel accused. For example, “I feel very disrespected when you speak to me in that tone of voice.”
- Try saying something like, “I find those kinds of jokes really upsetting. Please don’t joke like that in front of me anymore.”
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Give them a chance to respond. Being confronted is often upsetting. The other person may wish to respond and present their side of the story, especially if they feel you have misunderstood their words and actions. Give them a chance to speak without interrupting, and let them know that you hear and respect what they have to say.- Try rephrasing what they say to make sure you understand them correctly. For example, “So you’re saying you weren’t trying to ignore me this morning, you were just distracted. Is that right?”
Tip: Show that you are listening actively by nodding, making eye contact, and using phrases like “Right,” or “I hear you.”
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Set clear boundaries if the disrespectful behavior is a pattern. Appropriate boundaries are an important part of any healthy relationship. It’s especially important to set and enforce clear boundaries with people who have a pattern of being disrespectful to you. Let the person know what you are and are not willing to tolerate, and establish clear consequences if they fail to respect your boundaries. [14] X Research source- For example, you might say, “If you continue to play with your phone and ignore me whenever we hang out, I won’t be able to spend time with you anymore.”
- If the person continues to be disrespectful and regularly violates your boundaries, you may need to limit your time with them as much as possible or even cut ties altogether.
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Expert Q&A
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QuestionWhat should you do if someone disrespects you?Nicolette Tura is an Empowerment Coach based in the San Francisco Bay Area. Through her work, Nicolette helps high achievers discover their true potential and grow personally. She recently founded the non-profit Celestial Wellness Network and started a musical project, The Feather and Stone. With over ten years of experience in nonprofit leadership and running her own wellness business, Nicolette combines her background in psychology, mindfulness, and psychophysiology to create profound change. Nicolette has hands-on experience as a Therapy Associate, and has worked with patients recovering from neurological disorders. She offers one-on-one coaching tailored to each client's needs, with options for short-term, transformative engagements. Her personalized coaching sessions help individuals break free from self-limiting beliefs and achieve their goals. She completed a 500-hour Registered Yoga Teacher certification and is a NASM Certified Corrective Exercise Specialist. She holds a BA in Sociology from the University of California, Berkeley, and a Master’s degree is Sociology from San Jose State University.First, allow yourself to have your initial reaction. It's important to acknowledge the hurt this person may have caused you. Next, ask yourself why their words hurt you and why this person's opinion matters to you. If they have brought attention to a self-limiting belief you may have already had about yourself, try to replace that with a positive. Think of these people as teachers, as they bring attention to something that you can address within yourself.
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QuestionShould you confront a rude friend?Nicolette Tura is an Empowerment Coach based in the San Francisco Bay Area. Through her work, Nicolette helps high achievers discover their true potential and grow personally. She recently founded the non-profit Celestial Wellness Network and started a musical project, The Feather and Stone. With over ten years of experience in nonprofit leadership and running her own wellness business, Nicolette combines her background in psychology, mindfulness, and psychophysiology to create profound change. Nicolette has hands-on experience as a Therapy Associate, and has worked with patients recovering from neurological disorders. She offers one-on-one coaching tailored to each client's needs, with options for short-term, transformative engagements. Her personalized coaching sessions help individuals break free from self-limiting beliefs and achieve their goals. She completed a 500-hour Registered Yoga Teacher certification and is a NASM Certified Corrective Exercise Specialist. She holds a BA in Sociology from the University of California, Berkeley, and a Master’s degree is Sociology from San Jose State University.If someone makes you feel bad about yourself, I would really question the relationship or tell them how you feel. Try to surround yourself with people you can be yourself around.
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QuestionHow do you remain confident after someone disrespects you?Nicolette Tura is an Empowerment Coach based in the San Francisco Bay Area. Through her work, Nicolette helps high achievers discover their true potential and grow personally. She recently founded the non-profit Celestial Wellness Network and started a musical project, The Feather and Stone. With over ten years of experience in nonprofit leadership and running her own wellness business, Nicolette combines her background in psychology, mindfulness, and psychophysiology to create profound change. Nicolette has hands-on experience as a Therapy Associate, and has worked with patients recovering from neurological disorders. She offers one-on-one coaching tailored to each client's needs, with options for short-term, transformative engagements. Her personalized coaching sessions help individuals break free from self-limiting beliefs and achieve their goals. She completed a 500-hour Registered Yoga Teacher certification and is a NASM Certified Corrective Exercise Specialist. She holds a BA in Sociology from the University of California, Berkeley, and a Master’s degree is Sociology from San Jose State University.Continue practicing self-love and self-care and really try to celebrate your uniqueness. If you're not sure what that is, think about the inner qualities you hold that you like about yourself. The more you can recognize those, the more you will radiate confidence.
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References
- ↑ https://www.scienceofpeople.com/rude-people/
- ↑ Nicolette Tura, MA. Empowerment Coach. Expert Interview. 23 January 2020.
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-athletes-way/201512/5-polite-ways-disarm-rude-people
- ↑ Nicolette Tura, MA. Empowerment Coach. Expert Interview. 23 January 2020.
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/out-the-darkness/201201/slighting-the-best-way-respond-feeling-slighted
- ↑ Nicolette Tura, MA. Empowerment Coach. Expert Interview. 23 January 2020.
- ↑ https://www.apa.org/topics/anger/control
- ↑ https://greatergood.berkeley.edu/article/item/four_ways_to_calm_your_mind_in_stressful_times
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-athletes-way/201512/5-polite-ways-to-disarm-rude-people
- ↑ https://www.apa.org/news/press/releases/2018/08/rude-coworker
- ↑ Nicolette Tura, MA. Empowerment Coach. Expert Interview. 23 January 2020.
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-athletes-way/201512/5-polite-ways-disarm-rude-people
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/intl/blog/experience-studio/202205/how-to-manage-politeness
- ↑ https://psychcentral.com/lib/10-way-to-build-and-preserve-better-boundaries/
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To deal with disrespectful people, don't take it personally, and try to empathize with them since they might be lashing out because something is wrong in their life. You can even respond with kindness to disarm them and deescalate the situation. However, if someone's disrespectful behavior is persistent, you should talk to them about it and politely let them know it's not OK. For example, you could say "It bothers me when you talk to me in that tone. Can you please not speak to me that way?" To learn how to keep things civil when you're confronting a rude person, scroll down!
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- "I found the precise distinctions really helpful. As a teacher of 6th graders, it's often so helpful to think of this. My mistake is usually remembering the rude, inappropriate behavior from 6th graders is not personal. It needs to be corrected, but it's not directed at me. Developmental stages are obvious when I'm out of the classroom, but when I think I've designed some really active learning and someone is making fart noises and it's 2:00, it's hard to remember. Inappropriate but impersonal! " ..." more
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"I found the precise distinctions really helpful. As a teacher of 6th graders, it's often so helpful to think of this. My mistake is usually remembering the rude, inappropriate behavior from 6th graders is not personal. It needs to be corrected, but it's not directed at me. Developmental stages are obvious when I'm out of the classroom, but when I think I've designed some really active learning and someone is making fart noises and it's 2:00, it's hard to remember. Inappropriate but impersonal! "
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