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Effective strategies to foster autonomy in a relationship
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This article was co-authored by Moshe Ratson, MFT, PCC
and by wikiHow staff writer, Jennifer Mueller, JD
. Moshe Ratson is the Executive Director of spiral2grow Marriage & Family Therapy, a coaching and therapy clinic in New York City. Moshe is an International Coach Federation accredited Professional Certified Coach (PCC). He received his MS in Marriage and Family Therapy from Iona College. Moshe is a clinical member of the American Association of Marriage and Family Therapy (AAMFT), and a member of the International Coach Federation (ICF).
There are 11 references
cited in this article, which can be found at the bottom of the page.
This article has been fact-checked, ensuring the accuracy of any cited facts and confirming the authority of its sources.
This article has been viewed 55,546 times.
It can be easy to lose yourself in a relationship—especially a new one. But maintaining your independence is far healthier and will make your relationship stronger in the long term. Fortunately, there are plenty of ways to be independent in a relationship while still remaining thoroughly in love and committed to each other. Keep reading to learn how you can maintain your independence in a relationship, as well as the benefits of doing so. We'll also show you signs that you're already in an independent relationship.
Things You Should Know
- Maintain your independence in a relationship by cultivating separate interests, pursuing your own goals, and doing things by yourself. Encourage your partner to do the same.
- Being independent in a relationship allows you and your partner to grow together. You'll also enjoy increased self-confidence and feel more secure in your relationship.
- You know you have an independent relationship if you feel comfortable doing things on your own and you have a strong sense of who you are and what you believe in.
Steps
Section 1 of 3:
Maintaining Your Independence
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1Cultivate hobbies and interests apart from your partner. Having your own hobbies and interests not only helps you be independent in your relationship, it has a huge impact on your general well-being. You'll also develop friendships with other people apart from your partner—another thing that's great for fostering your independence. [1] X Trustworthy Source HelpGuide Nonprofit organization dedicated to providing free, evidence-based mental health and wellness resources. Go to source
- Hobbies such as painting and writing can help foster your creativity, while active pursuits such as hiking or pickleball will help you maintain your physical fitness as well.
- Don't forget to continue doing the things you enjoyed doing before you were in the relationship—even if they're things your partner isn't particularly into. They're part of what goes into making you the well-rounded and interesting person you are. [2] X Research source
- Encourage your partner to have their own hobbies and interests as well. For example, you might set aside one evening a week for each of you to go off and do something related to your individual hobbies.
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2Set aside a space that you can call your own. This is particularly important if you live with your partner. A place where you can go to be alone and do your own thing without being disturbed is crucial to your independence and gives you the space you need to recharge and reconnect with yourself. [3] X Research source
- The type of space that will work depends on your own needs as well as your living situation. For example, if you need a space with a door that can close, you might consider using a guest bedroom or repurposing a large closet.
- Your independent space can also be a public place, such as a library, a park, or a local café. This can work great if you have a small living space! The point is simply to spend time there alone away from your partner.
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3Hang out with your close friends and family without your partner. It's great when everyone gets along and you can hang out with your friends and your partner, but spend some time alone with them as well. Connecting with your friends and family on your own will help you realize who you are as a whole person apart from your partner. [4] X Trustworthy Source HelpGuide Nonprofit organization dedicated to providing free, evidence-based mental health and wellness resources. Go to source
- How often you hang out with your friends and family depends to some extent on your social needs. You might set aside one afternoon or evening a week, but if you only go out once or twice a month you might not need to see them that often.
- Maintaining close individual relationships with your friends and family also gives you additional sources of emotional support apart from your partner so you're not putting all of that weight on their shoulders.
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4Do things by yourself. You and your partner likely want to do some things together, but you don't have to do everything together. Don't be afraid to go out shopping by yourself, run errands by yourself, or even take yourself out to lunch. All of these things nurture your independence because they enable you to accomplish little things all on your own. [5] X Research source
- If you really want to reinforce your independence, going on a mini-vacation by yourself is a great way to reconnect with yourself. You might even tie it into one of your hobbies. For example, if you're a writer, you might go to a writer's conference by yourself.
- You and your partner can potentially do these kinds of things in the same room as well—you don't necessarily have to be apart. For example, you could work on an art project in the living room while your partner was making a playlist or reading a book. [6] X Research source
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5Prioritize self-care and personal goals. Remember: the one person you have to live with for the rest of your life is yourself! It might seem selfish to put yourself first, but it actually makes a lot of sense. It's important to rely on yourself to validate your own feelings and build your self-confidence. [7] X Research source
- Make sure that you're setting aside time for yourself and not letting these things fall through the cracks. Once you get into a relationship, it can be easy to kind of let yourself go. Staying conscious and intentional about your personal growth is a great way to keep that from happening.
- Keeping a journal is an excellent way to prioritize your self-care and personal growth. It can help you keep in touch with who you are and what you want out of life, independent of your partner.
EXPERT TIPDating CoachJohn Keegan is a Dating Coach and motivational speaker based in New York City. With over 10 years of professional experience, he runs The Awakened Lifestyle, where he uses his expertise in dating, attraction, and social dynamics to help people find love. He teaches and holds dating workshops internationally, from Los Angeles to London and from Rio de Janeiro to Prague. His work has been featured in the New York Times, Humans of New York, and Men's Health.Make sure your personal growth remains a priority. Being personally fulfilled and having a strong sense of self sets you up for a healthier partnership. A partner should complement your life, but you shouldn't need them to complete it.
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6Set healthy boundaries for your relationship. Boundaries tell your partner what you're comfortable with and what you're not. They're essentially rules or limits that you set for yourself that govern your own behavior. Setting and adjusting boundaries is an ongoing process throughout your relationship, so don't worry about having to come up with everything all at once. [8] X Research source
- For example, if you work from home, you might set a boundary that you can't have conversations while you're working because it distracts you and takes you off-task.
- Get used to the idea of saying "no" if something violates a boundary and makes you feel uncomfortable and uneasy. It's all about respect. If you just say "yes" to whatever your partner asks all the time, it's more like you're reporting to your boss than having a romantic relationship.
- If you and your partner run into a situation where your boundaries are conflicting with each other, sit down and talk it out! Look for a compromise that allows both of you to feel safe, loved, and respected in the relationship.
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7Stay true to your core beliefs and values. Your core beliefs and values have been with you for most of your life and they're a large part of who you are as a person. Being in a relationship doesn't mean they go away! You can still find ways to follow them, even if your partner has beliefs or values that are different from your own. [9] X Research source
- For example, if you're religious and your partner isn't, you might continue to go to church every week. You can go with your family or with a religious friend—you don't have to go with your partner.
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8Encourage your partner's growth and independence. Independence in a relationship is a two-way street. If only one of you is nurturing your independence, the other will likely feel rejected or left out—and that can lead to problems. Let your partner know that you want them to pursue their own interests and spend time on their own without you. Reassure them that when the two of you nurture your independence you strengthen your relationship and allow yourselves to grow closer together. [10] X Research source
- For example, you might choose to do things alone on the same night so that one of you isn't sitting at home alone bored with nothing to do.
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9Celebrate the differences you and your partner have. You and your partner might have a lot in common, but there are probably also plenty of things you don't necessarily see eye to eye on—and that's what makes you two separate people! When you celebrate your differences, you're relating to each other as whole people who've connected but still maintain their independent selves. [11] X Research source
- For example, you might like pop music while your partner prefers heavy metal music. Being with them doesn't mean that you have to start listening to nothing but heavy metal (or that they can only listen to pop).
- Talk to each other about your differences. It's possible that you can find more things to love about your partner if you understand why they like and enjoy the things they do.
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10Talk to a counselor or therapist if necessary. Trying to unlearn patterns from your past is a really difficult thing to do. If you're having a hard time, a counselor or therapist can help guide you to a healthier place in your relationship. They'll also help you recognize the positive aspects of being independent in a relationship. [12] X Research source
- For example, when you first start setting boundaries, you might feel guilty or as though you're being selfish (even though you're actually not). A counselor or therapist can help you work through those feelings.
- A counselor or therapist can also give you thought exercises to complete that will help you on your journey to becoming more independent in your relationship.
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wikiHow Quiz: Am I Codependent?
Do you often have anxiety about your relationships or struggle with setting boundaries/establishing acceptable behaviors because you are afraid to lose your partner? You’re not alone. Codependency is a type of dysfunctional relationship in which the codependent person feels like they need their partner to function, often accompanied by feelings of low self-esteem and guilt. We've created this quiz to help you identify and work through possible codependent patterns.
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Do you feel it’s your job alone to keep a relationship on track?
Section 2 of 3:
Benefits of Being Independent in a Relationship
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1You have more to share with your partner. When you and your partner first met, you likely had a lot to talk about because you didn't know each other very well. But as you get to know each other better, you might feel like you've run out of things to tell them. Not a problem if you're continuing to live your independent life—you'll have plenty of things to talk to them about that they weren't around for. [13] X Research source
- For example, if you've joined a community direct action group and go to protests and meetings, you can tell your partner about what happened during those events.
- When the two of you spend time apart, you might also find that you have things you want to share with your partner based on any journaling or self-exploration you've been doing.
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2You and your partner can continue to grow together. When you respect and accept each other as independent people, you also acknowledge that you don't know everything there is to know about your partner. As the two of you grow and change, you can support each other so that you're less likely to grow apart. [14] X Research source
- On the opposite end of the spectrum, if the two of you do absolutely everything together, one of you will miss the independent life you used to lead and could start blaming the other for the loss of that independence. That blame can lead to resentment and ultimately the demise of your relationship.
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3You have a strong sense of your self-worth. When you celebrate yourself as a full-fledged independent person, you know what you're good at and what you bring to the table. You can better understand how valuable you are as a person, with or without your partner. [15] X Research source
- Without maintaining your independence, it's possible that your self-worth could become tied up in how your partner feels or what they think about you.
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4You have a more varied and fulfilling life. Your relationship is only one part of your life. There are many other things that enrich your life and give it meaning and you deserve to enjoy all of them! You have the time and energy to pursue your interests and passions with the support from your partner, who sees value in both of you maintaining your independence. [16] X Research source
- This is a bit like the old adage to "not put all of your eggs in one basket." If you put all of your eggs in the basket of your relationship and your relationship fails, you'll lose everything. Having things going on outside of that basket helps you feel more stable.
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5There is less pressure on the relationship. Without independence, you're essentially relying on your relationship (and your partner) to fulfill all of your needs. That's pretty unfair because it puts a lot of pressure on your relationship to be more than it is. It's also unfair to expect your partner to be everything to you. [17] X Trustworthy Source HelpGuide Nonprofit organization dedicated to providing free, evidence-based mental health and wellness resources. Go to source
- For example, if you've maintained your independence and you need emotional support, you can turn to family and friends if your partner isn't capable of providing you the emotional support you need.
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6You can feel more secure in your relationship. When you maintain your independence, you're not relying on your partner to fulfill all of your emotional needs or provide you with a sense of confidence or self-worth. This helps you meet your partner as an individual and develop a more secure attachment to them. [18] X Research source
- Respecting the value of independence in your relationship can also help you be less possessive or jealous, both of which tend to come from feelings of insecurity.
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Section 3 of 3:
Signs of Independence in a Relationship
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1You and your partner can comfortably spend time apart. When you're not together, you might miss your partner a little, but you're happy that you get to spend time on your own. You can enjoy yourself and do whatever you need to do without being distracted by your longing for your partner. You don't have any problems doing something on your own if your partner isn't able to come or doesn't want to come. [19] X Research source
- This applies to your partner as well. When they go to do something on their own, if you're sufficiently independent, you won't feel rejected or as though they don't want to spend time with you. You'll know that it's important and valuable for them to spend time apart from you as well.
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2You have no trouble setting goals for yourself. When it comes to deciding what you need to do to get where you want to be in life, you can devise a plan without needing to run it by your partner first. Sure, you might reach out to them if it's something that would potentially affect their life, but not because you feel that you need their approval before you set out to do something. [20] X Research source
- For example, you might decide that you want to write a novel. You can set out specific times each week to work on your novel and reach out to publishers or agents. The only thing you need to tell your partner about is that you're writing a novel.
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3You have a strong sense of what you believe in. When you're committed to maintaining an independent life, your core beliefs and values don't change just because you happen to be in a romantic relationship. You understand that your beliefs can stay the same, even if they conflict with your partner's in some ways, because the two of you are separate people. [21] X Research source
- This doesn't mean you can't change your mind about your beliefs. Just make sure that change comes from within and isn't motivated by your desire to align your beliefs with your partner.
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4You can make your own decisions. This applies to all decisions—big and small! While your partner is someone you respect and likely appreciate their counsel, you're perfectly capable of making decisions in your own life all by yourself without their input. You also don't have to worry about them getting upset if you make a decision without talking to them first. [22] X Research source
- For example, if you're at the grocery store trying to decide what kind of ice cream to get, you're capable of just choosing as an independent person. You're not going to ask your partner what they want and then go along with that instead of thinking about what you want.
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5You and your partner celebrate individual successes. When your partner achieves something, you feel genuinely happy for them and proud of them—and they feel the same when you succeed. Because you have a strong sense of self-worth, you aren't threatened by your partner's success and you don't feel jealous or resentful. [23] X Research source
- As an independent person, you recognize how much effort your partner put into achieving their goals and you're glad that they're growing as a person.
- This also means that neither you nor your partner try to take credit for each other's individual successes. For example, if you get a promotion at work, your partner won't try to act as though it was all because of them.
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6You can easily communicate your needs to your partner. When you maintain your independence and value yourself as a whole person, it's not difficult for you to tell your partner what you need from them or out of a relationship. Because you're secure in who you are, you're not worried that they'll get upset or leave you if you tell them that your needs aren't being met. [24] X Research source
- Likewise, when your partner communicates their needs, you don't feel like they're criticizing you or unhappy with you.
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References
- ↑ https://www.helpguide.org/articles/relationships-communication/relationship-help.htm
- ↑ https://www.upsidertherapy.com/blog/the-importance-of-independence-in-a-relationship
- ↑ https://liveboldandbloom.com/12/relationships/independent-relationship
- ↑ https://www.helpguide.org/articles/relationships-communication/relationship-help.htm
- ↑ https://www.thegoodtrade.com/features/maintaining-individuality-in-a-relationship/
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-pleasures-sex/201212/balancing-time-together-vs-apart
- ↑ https://www.upsidertherapy.com/blog/the-importance-of-independence-in-a-relationship
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/intl/blog/perfectly-hidden-depression/202204/codependence-or-interdependence-avoid-one-welcome-the-other
- ↑ https://www.aconsciousrethink.com/14675/how-to-be-independent-in-a-relationship/
- ↑ https://www.loveisrespect.org/resources/4-things-that-make-a-relationship-healthy-or-unhealthy/
- ↑ https://www.loveisrespect.org/resources/4-things-that-make-a-relationship-healthy-or-unhealthy/
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/intl/blog/inviting-a-monkey-to-tea/202304/how-to-become-someone-who-matters
- ↑ https://livingwithfinesse.com/independence-in-relationships/
- ↑ https://www.psychalive.org/preserving-individuality-strengthen-relationship/
- ↑ https://www.psychalive.org/preserving-individuality-strengthen-relationship/
- ↑ https://www.thegoodtrade.com/features/maintaining-individuality-in-a-relationship/
- ↑ https://www.helpguide.org/articles/relationships-communication/relationship-help.htm
- ↑ https://www.psychalive.org/preserving-individuality-strengthen-relationship/
- ↑ https://www.thegoodtrade.com/features/maintaining-individuality-in-a-relationship/
- ↑ https://www.thegoodtrade.com/features/maintaining-individuality-in-a-relationship/
- ↑ https://www.psychalive.org/preserving-individuality-strengthen-relationship/
- ↑ https://www.thegoodtrade.com/features/maintaining-individuality-in-a-relationship/
- ↑ https://www.psychalive.org/preserving-individuality-strengthen-relationship/
- ↑ https://www.thegoodtrade.com/features/maintaining-individuality-in-a-relationship/
About This Article
This article was co-authored by Moshe Ratson, MFT, PCC
and by wikiHow staff writer, Jennifer Mueller, JD
. Moshe Ratson is the Executive Director of spiral2grow Marriage & Family Therapy, a coaching and therapy clinic in New York City. Moshe is an International Coach Federation accredited Professional Certified Coach (PCC). He received his MS in Marriage and Family Therapy from Iona College. Moshe is a clinical member of the American Association of Marriage and Family Therapy (AAMFT), and a member of the International Coach Federation (ICF). This article has been viewed 55,546 times.
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