How to Confront a Narcissist about Their Behavior

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Stand your ground and hold them accountable without losing your cool
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Confronting a person with narcissistic tendencies can be intimidating, but staying assertive and calm makes a smooth conversation more likely. Keep scrolling for a list of the best psychology-backed ways to confront a friend, family member, or coworker. Just keep in mind that just because someone exhibits narcissistic traits, it doesn’t automatically mean they have clinical Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD), and only a licensed therapist can diagnose NPD. [1]

1

Be assertive.

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    If this person has a tendency to talk over you or not listen to what you have to say, you may be able to get their attention by maintaining strong eye contact, a confident posture, and an even, firm tone. Speak clearly and concisely to help them understand you. [2]
    • Being assertive means advocating for yourself without disrespecting someone else. Stay calm and polite no matter how they react.
    • Some people with narcissistic tendencies may be more likely to see assertive people as superiors rather than equals (and give them more attention).
    • Narcissism may influence someone to view other people as less important, competent, valuable, skilled, or special, but holding your ground when confronting them may make them respect you more. [3]
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2

Make your boundaries crystal clear.

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    Directly tell this person what you’re willing to do or what behavior you’ll accept from them. [4] Stick to your guns—if they see you waver, they’ll likely keep pushing against you. If you’re firm and consistent, you have a chance of getting through to them. [5]
    • Say things like “If you want me to do that, here are my terms” or “I’ve already told you what I’m willing to do. It’s up to you to work around that.”
    • They may be upset that you’re setting boundaries with them. That’s OK—it’s not your job to control how they feel. [6]
    • Show you won’t accept verbally abusive behavior by hanging up the phone or leaving the room if they lash out.
3

Stay on track.

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    Some people hijack confrontations to avoid accountability—if this happens, keep circling back to the topic you want to discuss. Acknowledge their feelings and ideas to validate them, but don't get distracted by any lies, insults, interruptions, or self-victimization. [7] Say:
    • “I understand how you feel, but we need to sort this out now.”
    • “I see why you feel that way, which is why I want to talk to you about this.”
    • “That’s a good idea that I’m willing to try, but that’s not what we need to discuss now.”
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4

Let any insults roll off your back.

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    If you react to their gaslighting and insults, they may point out your “bad behavior” and villainize you. So try to ignore any attacks—you have a better chance of controlling the conversation when you stay neutral and unbothered. [8]
    • If they insult you, try not to take it personally. They may be doing it to feel better about themselves and because they're deeply insecure. [9]
    • Humor is a great way to turn an insult around and even help make the conversation more lighthearted. [10]
5

Keep it brief.

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    Interactions with narcissistic people are often frustrating and depleting and feel like you’re hitting your head against a wall. [11] Protect your sanity and take breaks if you need to—use the restroom, go for a walk, or find another excuse to get away.
    • Speak as little as possible—you may have a better chance of getting through to a manipulative person with short, direct sentences.
    • To end a confrontation quickly, try mentioning a topic they’re interested in or putting on a movie or TV they like to divert their attention.
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6

Be prepared for strong pushback.

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    People with a fragile sense of self tend to not like being called out, even if it’s deserved. They may get angry, aggressive, or passive-aggressive when their illusion of superiority and perfection is damaged. They might insult you, threaten violence, yell, or lie to make themselves look better. Be mentally prepared for a strong reaction and remember to stay calm and diplomatic. [12]
    • Don’t yell or threaten them back and put physical distance between you if you feel unsafe. You can resume your discussion another time.
    • Keep in mind some people will use anything they know about you to insult you, if they feel attacked. During a rage, they might take jabs at your biggest fears and insecurities.
7

Stay unemotional.

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    Keep a neutral facial expression and speak with an even tone. Don't bring up past personal experiences or feelings and focus on the current issue. Emotionless interactions are the most effective way to change their behavior. [13]
    • State what’s happening without adding judgment, like “You seem to be acting aggressively right now” or “There’s no reason to yell.”
    • Tell them they’re acting like a narcissist (without calling them one).
    • Give simple “yes” or “no” answers to their questions and try not to directly agree or disagree with them (say things like, “I can see that point of view”).
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8

Call them out on their lies.

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    If they attempt to gaslight or lie to you (especially in front of others), try telling them, “You’ll do anything to make yourself seem right.” They may repeat the lie or make another false claim, so just call them out again—“See, you’re doing it again.” [14]
    • When they realize that you (and anyone else watching) knows that they’re lying to prop themselves up, they may stop.
    • Calling out their lies lets a toxic person know that they can’t warp reality or manipulate you.
9

Hold them accountable for their promises.

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    This is a manipulation tactic to get you off their back. Call out the deception head-on and remind them of their promises. Tell them you won’t do anything for them until they follow through. [15]
    • Try stroking their ego and tell them how appreciative everyone will be of them once they do what they said they’d do.
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10

Tell them “no.”

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    One way to confront this behavior is to just say “no” more often. They may be shocked and try to persuade you to do things for them, but stay strong—your consistency will help firm up your boundaries with that person. [16]
    • They may try to make themselves a “victim” of your “cruel” refusal to help them. Ignore them and calmly continue to say “no.”
    • It’s better to say no to something right away than to agree and then backpedal. They’ll use that as an excuse to attack your character or morals.
11

Point out bad behavior with clarifying questions.

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    Ask them hard-hitting questions about what they say or think. When they clarify or explain, they’ll likely realize how illogical they were being and adjust. [17] Ask things like:
    • “Do you really think that’s the most straightforward idea?”
    • “What exactly do you mean by that?”
    • “Are you asking me to help you, or are you demanding that I help you?”
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12

Pair criticism with a compliment.

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    Soften them up with a small compliment first. The validation will make them feel good while you follow up with a constructive critique. Try to end with another compliment, too. People with fragile egos are often open to feedback when they don’t feel diminished. [18]
    • Be polite but very direct. For example, you could say, “Great job on that report for the board meeting yesterday. Next time, it’d be great if you got it to me earlier so I could review it. Thanks for all your hard work!”
    • You might need proof to justify your criticism. They can't deny killing your favorite monstera when you’re holding the dead plant right in front of them. [19]
13

Create a strong support system.

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    Surround yourself with trusted friends and family to support you while you struggle with this person. An honest conversation with someone who’s actually capable of being generous and reciprocal helps determine if your relationship with them is satisfying and worth saving. [20]
    • Make time for yourself to enjoy your life outside of your relationship with this person. It’s not your responsibility to change them or deal with their behavior.
    • If you’re overwhelmed by a narcissistic person and your normal support network can’t help, a therapist or counselor can offer guidance on how best to work through it.
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    Can I tell my friend she's a narcissist?
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    You can't armchair diagnose someone with NPD. If you suspect she has NPD, bring it up in a sensitive way, avoiding using stigmatising language. I would also recommend doing your own research into NPD first. There are many widespread misconceptions about narcissistic personality disorder. Just because someone is selfish or toxic, it doesn't mean they have NPD.
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      Expert Interview

      Thanks for reading our article! If you’d like to learn more about narcissism, check out our in-depth interview with Jay Reid, LPCC .

      References

      1. ↑ https://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/narcissistic-personality-disorder/symptoms-causes/syc-20366662
      2. ↑ https://www.mayoclinic.org/healthy-lifestyle/stress-management/in-depth/assertive/art-20044644
      3. ↑ Liana Georgoulis, PsyD. Licensed Psychologist. Expert Interview. 6 September 2018.
      4. ↑ https://www.helpguide.org/articles/mental-disorders/narcissistic-personality-disorder.htm
      5. ↑ https://psychcentral.com/blog/narcissism-decoded/2017/06/11-ways-to-set-boundaries-with-narcissists
      6. ↑ https://psychcentral.com/pro/exhausted-woman/2017/06/12-survival-tips-for-living-with-a-narcissist
      7. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/fulfillment-any-age/201408/8-ways-handle-narcissist
      8. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/understanding-narcissism/201710/how-de-escalate-fight-narcissist
      9. ↑ https://www.apa.org/news/podcasts/speaking-of-psychology/narcissism
      1. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/fulfillment-any-age/201408/8-ways-handle-narcissist
      2. ↑ Jay Reid, LPCC. Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor. Expert Interview. 7 August 2020.
      3. ↑ https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/25545840/
      4. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/intl/blog/peaceful-parenting/201810/how-bypass-narcissist
      5. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/ambigamy/202002/how-humiliate-absolute-narcissist
      6. ↑ https://psychcentral.com/blog/psychology-self/2019/09/narcissist-future-faking#1
      7. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/5-types-people-who-can-ruin-your-life/202109/4-tips-saying-no-narcissist
      8. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/communication-success/201705/how-talk-narcissist-about-being-narcissistic
      9. ↑ https://psychcentral.com/blog/liberation/2018/01/11-mandatory-rules-for-dealing-with-a-narcissist
      10. ↑ https://psychcentral.com/blog/psychology-self/2018/07/narcissist-delusion#5
      11. ↑ Jay Reid, LPCC. Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor. Expert Interview. 7 August 2020.
      12. ↑ https://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/narcissistic-personality-disorder/symptoms-causes/syc-20366662
      13. ↑ https://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/narcissistic-personality-disorder/symptoms-causes/syc-20366662

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