How Do Narcissists Treat Their Exes? (What They Do & How to Handle It)

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Know what to expect in the aftermath of a breakup with a narcissist
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If you've recently ended a relationship with someone who behaves in a narcissistic way, you might be wondering: what comes next? Two of the key symptoms of narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) are an overly-inflated ego and a lack of empathy for others. [1] Even if your ex hasn't been clinically diagnosed with NPD, if they display these qualities, it’s very possible they won’t accept the breakup gracefully. Read on for a comprehensive overview of how people with narcissistic tendencies treat their exes, complete with tips for getting through the breakup and moving on to better things.

What Do Narcissists Do After a Breakup

  1. They may try to emotionally manipulate you back into a relationship.
  2. They may flirt with you or make advances to try to pull you back in.
  3. They may blame you for the breakup and refuse to accept responsibility.
  4. They may gaslight you into thinking you’re at fault for your breakup.
  5. They may contact you repeatedly, even if you ask them to stop.
Section 1 of 4:

How Someone with Narcissistic Traits May Act After a Breakup

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    Your ex might try “hoovering,” where they’ll tell you they want to be friends and subtly try to suck you back into a relationship (and back into the same unhealthy patterns you likely experienced before). [2] Exes that employ hoovering are most likely looking for an opportunity to control the narrative surrounding your breakup, whether they’re doing so intentionally or subconsciously. They may also feel the absence of your one-sided attention and admiration after your breakup, so they’re looking for a way to get that validation back.
    • What to do: The safest course of action is often to ignore them . Then, your ex might realize that they have no power over you anymore.
    • Ultimately, it’s your decision whether you want to remain friends with an ex that treated you in a narcissistic way, but be wary: it’s unlikely that their behavior has changed in a short amount of time. Make sure you’ve both taken the time you need to heal and move on from your break-up before rekindling any kind of relationship.
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    Some people use emotional manipulation as a tool to keep others in their life, usually so they feel less lonely and better about themselves. If your ex has a history of narcissistic behaviors, then they may emotionally manipulate or love-bomb you, which is where they’ll shower you with affection and compliments to get you to come back to them. They might also make all kinds of false promises about how they’ve changed and say exactly what you want to hear in order to win you over once again. [3]
    • What to do: If your ex has shown narcissistic behaviors in the past, you may have seen them love-bombing before—which means you know it’s just for show. Tell them you have no intention of resuming the relationship, no matter what.
    • Keep in mind that if you do reunite with an ex, they often go right back to their bad behavior once they feel like they’ve won you over and have control over you again.
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    Whether you agreed to remain friends or not, an ex with narcissistic tendencies might disregard any boundaries you’ve tried to set. [4] They might continue to message you on social media and text and call you after you tell them to stop. They might even breach court orders or agreements made after a divorce just because they want to get a response from you.
    • What to do: You may feel angry or distressed by this behavior, but try not to react emotionally to your ex. Ask them to stop contacting you and get their promise in writing if possible.
    • Then, go ahead and block them on every platform you can, from their phone number to social media.
    • If your ex still won’t give up, report their harassment . Stalking is a serious offense, so consider filing a police report and getting a restraining order if your ex tries to get near you in person.
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    If you’ve ended a relationship with someone who often reacts to conflict in a narcissistic way, this person might become quite vindictive in the aftermath of your breakup. They may try to get a rise out of you with cruel and triggering comments that poke at your insecurities, devalue you, and damage your self-esteem. Your ex may even use the deeply personal things they know about you to put you down.
    • What to do: Stay calm and try not to take your ex’s comments to heart, as much as it might hurt. Remember: this behavior is most likely coming from a place of hurt deep within themselves. Their own issues may be making them feel a need or desire to control you (which is not okay or healthy), but this isn’t happening because of anything you’ve done.
    • The more your ex can see how their words affect you, the more likely they are to double down and keep at it. Try to rein in your emotions around your ex—and, if you need to, vent to someone you trust about it later.
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    In some cases, an ex will miss the feeling of being desired by you and may keep flirting and making advances after you break up. They may even try to kiss you when they see you in person or aggressively pursue a sexual relationship with you to try and get you back in their life as quickly as possible. [5]
    • What to do: Say no, and stay away from them. It may not be safe for you to be around your ex, so go no-contact with them and tell someone you trust about what’s going on.
    • If your ex won’t take no for an answer, reporting their behavior to the police and getting a restraining order might be your best option.
    • Aggressive advances are another control tactic for someone with extreme narcissistic traits. They may be trying to move fast with you so that you’re pulled back into the relationship without really having time to think it over.
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    No matter what really led to the breakup, an ex with narcissistic tendencies may turn you into their scapegoat and gaslight you into thinking you brought on the end of the relationship. In this situation, your ex may not only tell you that the breakup is all your fault, but they’re also likely to spread lies to their family and mutual friends so that they can save face—and get more sympathy. [6]
    • What to do: If your ex tries to blame you and gaslight you, stand your ground. Don’t argue, but don’t accept their skewed story, either. Tell them that you remember things differently and that what’s done is done.
    • An ex who’s trying to gaslight you might say things like, “Your craziness forced me to break up with you,” or “You didn’t care about this relationship enough.”
    • Although it’s tempting to try and argue their wild accusations, keep in mind that it probably won’t resolve anything. People who resort to these manipulative and often abusive tactics will most likely struggle to take responsibility for their actions.
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    During your relationship, you may have trusted your ex enough to share secrets or private images with them. Once the relationship ends, they might try to hold that information over your head. Scaring you with the possibility of blackmail may give them a sense of control and make them feel more powerful than you—two things that someone with a narcissistic personality might crave. [7]
    • What to do: In most cases, your ex won’t actually act on their threats, which means it’s best to ignore them rather than try to get back at them.
    • It’s natural to feel scared or ashamed when someone you trusted baits you with a secret or a revealing photo, but remember that you’re not the one doing something wrong—they are. You have nothing to be ashamed of.
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    While you're trying to move on from your narcissistic ex , they might keep finding ways to mess with your new relationships. They might tell your new love interest lies designed to paint you in a bad light or start texting you and flirting with you when they know you’re on a date. Essentially, they may try to make your new partner jealous and ensure you stay single. [8]
    • What to do: Keeping your ex well away from your personal life is the most important thing, so talk to your new partner about how you can both drop all contact with them.
    • If your ex is engaging in these types of behaviors, their true motivation may be to keep you single so that they can manipulate you back into a relationship where you’re under their control again. Thwart them by working with your new partner to keep your ex out of your life.
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Section 2 of 4:

Do narcissists miss their exes?

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    Someone who has been clinically diagnosed with Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) may suffer from severely low self-esteem, and may miss the attention they were given from their partner, but not necessarily the person themselves. They may feel a need for their “narcissistic supply,” or the person who provides them with a constant source of care and support. If a narcissistic ex says that they want someone in their life again, it may be less about genuinely missing that person and more about missing the control they felt they had over them.
    • If your ex has NPD, it can really hurt to feel like they care more about what they can get from you than they care about you, yourself.
    • The most important thing to remember is that their lack of concern for you isn’t your fault. You didn’t do anything wrong to make them treat you this way—it’s about them, not you.
    • Plus, it may help to keep in mind that these behaviors and traits stem from a very real mental health condition. Your ex may not even be choosing to act this way. While it doesn’t mean that you should tolerate any ways in which they’ve mistreated you, it may help you to understand that they are struggling with their own narcissistic symptoms that have nothing to do with you. [9]
    • Also, keep in mind that only a licensed clinical psychologist can diagnose NPD. If your ex has some narcissistic traits but hasn’t been officially diagnosed, avoid labeling them as a narcissist or claiming they have narcissistic personality disorder. Many people have select traits of narcissism without actually having the true personality disorder. [10]
Section 3 of 4:

Will narcissists go back to their ex?

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    Many people with clinically diagnosed narcissistic personality disorder will feel an urge to go back to their exes after a break-up. A key symptom of NPD is a need to feel superior and make others feel inferior as a result, which stems from a narcissist’s deep-seated insecurities. They might try to get an ex back because they feel the need to have someone to control and make themselves feel superior. Since they already know their ex (and their insecurities) so well, going back to this person might feel easier than starting from scratch with someone new.
    • People with narcissistic traits often react from a place of deep insecurity. While that doesn’t excuse any potentially hurtful, toxic, or abusive behavior, being aware of it can make it easier to shut them out and ignore their hurtful words.
    • On the other hand, someone with narcissistic traits or clinically-diagnosed NPD might replace their ex quickly with someone else if they felt like there was no chance of a reunion or if they wanted to try and make their former partner jealous enough to come back to them.
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Section 4 of 4:

Signs of Narcissism

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    Many people with narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) want to feel superior, special, and powerful compared to those around them. They tend to crave constant praise and validation from others and may lean on their partner for it (if they have one). Other narcissistic qualities include: [11]
    • They act self-important and think they’re superior to most people.
    • They feel like they deserve special treatment from everyone.
    • They demand the best of everything (and get upset when denied).
    • They over-exaggerate their achievements to look good.
    • They brag a lot and come off as arrogant to others.
    • Keep in mind that only a licensed mental health professional can diagnose someone with narcissistic personality disorder (NPD).
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    NPD is a personality disorder that can lead to very dysfunctional relationships, and a large part of that is due to a narcissist’s inability to care for others or understand their feelings. People with NPD might find most relationships unfulfilling, and other people may steer clear of them because of this. Consider whether any of the following applies to your ex:
    • They take advantage of others to get what they want.
    • They never talk about their past.
    • They never introduced you to their friends and family or talked about them.
    • They’re unwilling to acknowledge your feelings or anyone else’s.
    • They expect other people to do what they want without question.
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    Someone with diagnosed narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) may put on a mask of overexaggerated confidence for the world but, underneath that mask, true narcissists often suffer from a lack of self-worth, which is why they seem to have such a temper and get upset if they think someone is criticizing them. [12] Ask yourself whether your ex does the following:
    • They struggle to manage their emotions and keep their anger in check.
    • They get depressed when something they do isn’t absolutely perfect.
    • They avoid any situation where there’s a possibility of failure.
    • They get defensive very quickly when they feel like someone is criticizing them.
    • They get angry if they feel like they aren’t getting special treatment.
    • They’re secretly terrified of being seen as a failure or a fraud.
    • Avoid unofficially diagnosing or labeling your ex as a narcissist—only a licensed mental health professional can diagnose someone with narcissistic personality disorder (NPD).
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Expert Q&A

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  • Question
    How can you tell if someone is narcissistic?
    Asa Don Brown, PhD, DNCCM, FAAETS
    Clinical Psychologist
    Dr. Asa Don Brown is a Clinical Psychologist with over 25 years of experience. He specializes in working with families, children, and couples, treating a variety of psychological disorders, trauma, and abuse. Dr. Brown has specialized in negotiation and profiling. He is also a prolific author having published three books and numerous articles in magazines, journals, and popular publications. Dr. Brown earned a BS in Theology and Religion with a minor in Marketing and an MS in Counseling with a specialization in Marriage and Family from The University of Great Falls. Furthermore, he received a PhD in Psychology with a specialization in Clinical Psychology from Capella University. He is also a candidate for a Masters of Liberal Arts through Harvard University. Dr. Brown is a Fellow of the American Academy of Experts in Traumatic Stress and a Diplomate for the National Center for Crisis Management and continues to serve a number of psychological and scientific boards.
    Asa Don Brown, PhD, DNCCM, FAAETS
    Clinical Psychologist
    Expert Answer
    Well, the typical narcissist craves attention, admiration, and affection. They are usually hypersensitive, make disparaging comments, while often transfixed on the merits and achievements of others. The narcissist seldom compromises or accepts responsibility, but they are apt to place blame on you in a heartbeat. They have a sense of self-entitlement and are known to have a very pompous attitude and perception of the world.
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      • Keep in mind that not all people with narcissistic traits or diagnosed narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) will partake in the behaviors listed above. Each individual is different, and having NPD doesn’t mean that someone will act in toxic, abusive, or manipulative ways toward their partner. Also, these behaviors aren’t exclusive to people with NPD.
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      References

      1. ↑ https://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/narcissistic-personality-disorder/symptoms-causes/syc-20366662
      2. ↑ https://my.clevelandclinic.org/health/diseases/9742-narcissistic-personality-disorder
      3. ↑ https://www.helpguide.org/articles/mental-disorders/narcissistic-personality-disorder.htm
      4. ↑ https://www.helpguide.org/articles/mental-disorders/narcissistic-personality-disorder.htm
      5. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/toxic-relationships/202103/why-narcissists-and-abusers-wont-let-go-and-what-you-can-do
      6. ↑ https://www.helpguide.org/articles/mental-disorders/narcissistic-personality-disorder.htm
      7. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/lifetime-connections/201911/three-ways-narcissists-manipulate-their-partners
      8. ↑ https://www.helpguide.org/articles/mental-disorders/narcissistic-personality-disorder.htm
      9. ↑ https://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/narcissistic-personality-disorder/symptoms-causes/syc-20366662
      1. ↑ https://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/narcissistic-personality-disorder/diagnosis-treatment/drc-20366690
      2. ↑ https://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/narcissistic-personality-disorder/symptoms-causes/syc-20366662
      3. ↑ https://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/narcissistic-personality-disorder/symptoms-causes/syc-20366662

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