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Learn how to recognize and deal with conversational narcissism
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Have you ever had a conversation with someone who just couldn’t stop talking about themselves? No matter what you say, they find a way to make it about them. They cut you off, dismiss you, or talk so much that you can’t get a word in edgewise. If any of these things resonate, you’ve probably spoken to someone who struggles with conversational narcissism. It can be frustrating to talk to a conversational narcissist, but there are many ways to stand your ground and have more balanced conversations. Keep reading for all the information you need on conversational narcissism, including how to spot it, how to deal with it, and how to avoid it in your own life.
Things You Should Know
- Conversational narcissism occurs when one person dominates a conversation.
- Conversational narcissism is not the same thing as narcissistic personality disorder, which is a formal diagnosis involving multiple symptoms.
- Signs of conversational narcissism include excessively steering the conversation back to oneself and showing disinterest when the other person speaks.
Steps
Section 2 of 4:
Signs of Conversational Narcissism
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They're talking a lot more than you are. Conversational narcissists have a hard time taking turns in a conversation. [6] X Research source They’ll likely hog the floor, leaving little room for your input or contributions. If you’re only able to squeeze in an “Uh huh” here and there, rather than real, thoughtful responses, you’re likely dealing with a conversational narcissist.
- Pay attention to how much they're talking, and think about whether or not they're giving you time to respond.
- If it feels like they're monologuing and you’re just a supporting character, they might be a conversational narcissist.
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They aren’t encouraging your responses. Conversational narcissists underuse a tactic called the support-response, which encourages the other person in the conversation to talk. [7] X Research source Inviting you to give your opinion or asking about your own experiences are examples of support responses. If the person you’re talking to doesn’t encourage you to participate in the conversation, it could be a sign of conversational narcissism.
- Look out for the presence or absence of support responses. Here are some examples of what they might look like:
- “Have you ever experienced something similar?”
- “I’m not sure what to do about it. Do you have any advice?”
- “So that’s my opinion—what do you think?”
- Look out for the presence or absence of support responses. Here are some examples of what they might look like:
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They’re always steering the conversation back to themselves. Conversational narcissists use something called a shift-response to make sure the attention is always on them. The shift-response involves constantly steering the focus of a conversation back to oneself. [8] X Research source If you tell a story about your life, they’ll somehow find a way to relate it to their own experience. They might even interrupt you while you’re speaking, so they can get a hold of the reins and keep talking.
- Do they always find a way to “relate” to something you’re saying, even if they haven’t experienced it themselves?
- Do they use this to regain control of the conversation and get themselves talking again? If so, you're probably dealing with a conversational narcissist.
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They try to one-up you. When you tell them about something you accomplished, they say that they’ve actually done something way more impressive. When you share a difficult experience you’ve been through, they say that they’ve survived something a lot tougher. If the person you’re talking to consistently one-ups you or puts you down, they’re showing signs of conversational narcissism. [9] X Research source
- Assess the ways your conversation partner responds to your statements.
- Do they ask you for more information and affirm your feelings? Or do they find a way to make it about themselves and belittle you?
- If the conversation is feeling like a competition, conversational narcissism might be to blame.
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They seem bored or disinterested when you’re talking. It’s common for conversational narcissists to glaze over when someone else speaks. [10] X Research source This is because they’re just waiting for their chance to start talking again, rather than truly ingesting what you’re saying. If someone consistently looks like they’re bored or zoning out when you’re speaking, this could be a sign of conversational narcissism.
- Study their body-language. Are they making eye contact, or looking off somewhere into the distance?
- Are they nodding and reacting to what you say, or are they wearing a blank expression?
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Section 3 of 4:
How to Respond to Conversational Narcissism
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Stand your ground. If a conversational narcissist tries to interrupt you, simply keep talking until you’ve finished your thought. [11] X Research source This may feel a little awkward at first, as there will likely be a few seconds of talking over each other. Remember, conversational narcissists can be oblivious to their frustrating behavior, so it might take a few tries for them to get the hint.
- Try not to raise your voice or express anger or agitation. Instead, calmly finish speaking as if you haven’t heard the interruption.
- If you feel uncomfortable continuing without acknowledging the interruptor, say, “One second, I’m still finishing my story.” Then continue on.
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Confront the speaker. You might be tempted to ignore or excuse their behavior because you don’t want to be rude, but it’s actually rude of them to dominate the conversation. You’re completely justified in calling them out. [12] X Research source If you’re talking to someone who consistently shows signs of conversational narcissism, talk to them about it confidently and directly.
- Use “I” statements to address the situation without making them feel attacked. [13]
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Research source
- “I feel frustrated because I can’t get through the story I’m trying to tell. The interruptions make me feel like you don’t care about what I’m saying.”
- “I’m trying to contribute to the conversation, but I don’t feel like you’re interested when I’m talking.”
- “I’ve enjoyed hearing your perspective, but the conversation feels a little one-sided, and I’d like to share my perspective too.”
- Use “I” statements to address the situation without making them feel attacked. [13]
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Research source
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Be honest. Sometimes, in the middle of their monologue, a conversational narcissist might ask, “Am I talking too much?” If this happens, be honest and gently tell them that they are. [14] X Research source You might be tempted to excuse them to avoid any awkwardness, but at the end of the day, this doesn’t help either of you. They won’t know that they need to change their habits, and you’ll be stuck in a one-sided conversation. Remember, a healthy conversation is a two-way street, and you deserve to say your piece, too! [15] X Research source
- Here are some ways you can respond when they ask if they’re talking too much:
- “Thank you for asking! I love your enthusiasm, but yes, maybe just a little bit.”
- “Actually yes, thank you for bringing that up. I do feel like I’m struggling a bit to get a word in.”
- Here are some ways you can respond when they ask if they’re talking too much:
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Assert boundaries. If someone close to you is a conversational narcissist, establish boundaries to promote healthy conversations. [16] X Research source It's easy to feel powerless when dealing with someone who exhibits narcissistic behaviors, but it's important to remember that you have the power to define the relationship, too.
- Tell them you’ll end conversations in the future if they engage in frustrating behavior, like one-upping, belittling, or interrupting you.
- If you run into them in public, set a time-limit on your conversation. Tell them you only have 10 minutes to talk, and when the time is up, kindly (but firmly) tell them you have to go.
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Reduce your responsiveness. If you’re not comfortable using one of the more direct methods, you could be less responsive in conversations to get your point across. [17] X Research source If they’re telling a long winded-story, give shorter, more disinterested responses, rather than asking them for more details.
- Remember, a conversational narcissist wants to keep talking, and they likely can’t regulate their own behavior.
- You might be tempted to show interest and give animated responses to be polite, but they’ll see this as a green flag to keep talking.
- A short “uh huh” or a blank facial expression could help them get the hint that they’re talking too much.
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Invite someone else to join the conversation. Bringing another speaker in might spread the attention around, which could combat the conversational narcissist’s attention-seeking efforts. [18] X Research source If you’re at a social gathering, call out to someone else and bring them into the conversation. Here are some things you can say to flag another person down:
- “That’s really interesting—I wonder what John thinks of that. John, we were just saying…”
- “Katie actually told me a similar story recently. Katie, weren’t you just telling me about that time…”
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Leave the conversation. If your efforts to redirect the conversational narcissist are unsuccessful, you might need to end the conversation. [19] X Research source It can be tiring to talk to a conversational narcissist, and it’s completely normal to run out of steam. If you end the conversation, it doesn’t mean you’re being rude. Remember, it’s okay to take care of your needs!
- If you're at a social gathering, excuse yourself and say that you’re going to say hello to someone else.
- If you're one-on-one, say that you have to get going to make it to an appointment, or simply say you’re tired and heading home.
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Section 4 of 4:
How to Avoid Conversational Narcissism in Your Own Life
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Practice active listening. Since it’s normal to show narcissistic behavior occasionally, anyone is capable of falling into conversational narcissism from time to time. [20] X Research source If you want to avoid conversational narcissism in your own life, work on your active listening skills . Active listening involves using engaged body language, asking questions, and making sure you take turns speaking. [21] X Trustworthy Source Greater Good in Action An initiative by UC Berkeley's Greater Good Science Center promoting science-based practices for a meaningful life Go to source
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Use engaged body language to show that you’re listening. Make eye-contact, face the person you’re talking to, nod your head, and react with animated facial expressions. [22] X Trustworthy Source Greater Good in Action An initiative by UC Berkeley's Greater Good Science Center promoting science-based practices for a meaningful life Go to source These physical signals show that you’re paying attention to what your conversation partner is saying.
- If you’ve been looking off into the distance, focus on maintaining eye contact.
- If you feel like your face has gone blank, focus on responding to what they're saying with your facial expressions.
- Smile if they’re saying something positive, or show concern if they’re talking about something serious.
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Summarize and repeat what they’ve said. After your conversation partner finishes speaking, incorporate details from what they’ve said into your response. [23] X Research source This shows that you’ve been listening attentively, and it helps convey that you’re interested in what they have to say. Here are some examples:
- “So what happened after you left the grocery store? Were you able to find what you needed for the recipe somewhere else?”
- “It’s so wild that you ran into your old roommate. Did you have a good time catching up?”
- “It sounds like you were frustrated that your sister couldn't make it to your party. Did you end up working things out?”
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Ask thoughtful questions. Asking for more detail encourages the other person to elaborate on their thoughts and feelings. [24] X Trustworthy Source Greater Good in Action An initiative by UC Berkeley's Greater Good Science Center promoting science-based practices for a meaningful life Go to source This shows that you’re interested in what they’re saying, and it helps combat any tendency you might have to shift the conversation back in your direction too early.
- “Wow, that sounds scary! How did you deal with it?”
- “I can imagine how tough that was. Are you feeling alright now?”
- “That sounds like such a fun day. I’d like to visit that place sometime! How did you hear about it?”
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Pay attention to how much you’re talking. One of the most noticeable signs of conversational narcissism is a tendency to take up all the space in a conversation. [25] X Research source If you find that you’re talking a lot more than your conversation partner is, it’s time to reel it in and give them a chance to speak. Remember, healthy conversation involves taking turns.
- Make sure you’re both able to offer your thoughts, opinions, and stories so you can have a great conversation
- If you realize you’ve been monologuing, shift the focus back to the other person in the conversation by asking for their opinion or perspective.
- If you notice that you’ve been interrupting the other person a lot, apologize and focus on waiting for them to finish their thought before you respond.
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Expert Interview
Thanks for reading our article! If you’d like to learn more about narcissism, check out our in-depth interview with Adam Dorsay, PsyD .
References
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- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/passion/202205/talkaholism-what-it-is-and-how-deal-it
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/communication-success/202007/8-signs-of-a-narcissistic-communicator
- ↑ https://psychcentral.com/disorders/how-to-talk-to-someone-with-narcissistic-tendencies#talking-to-a-narcissist
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/fulfillment-at-any-age/201712/easy-ways-to-tell-whether-youre-an-inadvertent-narcissist
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/passion/202205/talkaholism-what-it-is-and-how-deal-it
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/fulfillment-at-any-age/201712/easy-ways-to-tell-whether-youre-an-inadvertent-narcissist
- ↑ https://www.dukehealth.org/blog/9-signs-of-narcissistic-personality-disorder
- ↑ https://ggia.berkeley.edu/practice/active_listening
- ↑ https://ggia.berkeley.edu/practice/active_listening
- ↑ https://psychcentral.com/lib/become-a-better-listener-active-listening
- ↑ https://ggia.berkeley.edu/practice/active_listening
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/communication-success/202007/8-signs-of-a-narcissistic-communicator
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