A Guide to Dark Empaths and How to Deal With Them

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Signs of dark empathy, a blend of empathy and narcissism
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You might know about narcissists and empaths, but what are people talking about when they say someone is a “dark empath”? This perplexing internet buzzword isn’t an officially recognized psychological condition, but it’s gaining traction as a term for someone who possesses both narcissistic and empathic qualities. To learn more, keep reading: we’ve developed a guide to dark empathism, including how to recognize it and how to deal with someone who has it (even if the “someone” is you).

Things You Should Know

  • A dark empath is a person who has the emotional intelligence to understand how others feel, but uses that skill to manipulate people.
  • Dark empaths possess traits of the 3 personality disorders that make up the “dark triad”: narcissism, psychopathy, and Machiavellianism.
  • Deal with a dark empath by setting strong boundaries and encouraging them to get professional help, but be prepared to cut them off if you need to.
Section 1 of 4:

What is a dark empath?

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  1. While regular empaths are very emotionally sensitive and use their sensitivity to sympathize with other people, dark empaths possess only cognitive empathy; this means they can intellectually understand how other people feel, but they lack the sympathy or compassion to treat them well. [1] They might exploit their ability to understand someone's emotions in order to use that against the person.
    • Empaths are generally driven by their desire to help people, and their ability to read others' emotions and needs is a tremendously useful tool in doing just that. Dark empaths, however, possess all the ability, but none of the desire to help.
  2. Dark empaths are popularly believed to embody the personality traits known as the “dark triad”—that is, narcissism, psychopathy, and Machiavellianism. Though “dark empath” isn’t an officially diagnosable condition, the 3 elements of the dark triad are recognized psychological disorders that must be diagnosed by a licensed therapist. [2]
    • Narcissism refers to a disorder in which a person has an abnormally inflated ego and an intense desire for attention and reassurance. You can identify a narcissist by their superiority complexes and tendency to be manipulative.
    • Psychopathy is an antisocial disorder characterized by a total lack of compassion, despite being able to read people very well. Psychopaths may struggle to control their behavior or feel any remorse for harm they may cause. They’re often manipulative and prone to criminal behavior.
    • Machiavellianism , named for the controversial Italian Renaissance political philosopher Niccolò Machiavelli, describes someone who is cunning and willing to go to extremes to get what they want. Machiavellian people may be vindictive, manipulative, cynical, and prone to betraying others without remorse.
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Section 2 of 4:

Signs Someone Is a Dark Empath

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  1. Dark empaths know what other people want to see, and they’re very good actors. They’re likely to don the empath’s mask to deceive people into thinking highly of them, but behind closed doors, their mask falls to reveal a cold, calculating, manipulative bully. [3]
    • They may go to extremes to appear gallant, holding doors open for other people, smiling, lovebombing, and generally appearing like Prince (or Princess) Charming. But once they’re alone or with someone on the inside, they’ll drop the act.
    • Because dark empaths make a point to be so charming in front of others, if someone they’re close to accuses them of being abusive in private, they may not be believed.
  2. Dark empaths’ emotional shrewdness means they know how to twist the knife. They tend to be sarcastic and to revel in making others the butts of jokes, especially if they’ve got an audience. [4]
    • Though they gravitate towards public embarrassment, dark empaths are still often able to present themselves as kind-hearted. [5] You might hear a dark empath defend cruel behavior by insisting they “didn’t mean it” or that “it was just a joke.”
  3. When dark empaths are called out for their actions, they’re likely to flip the narrative and gaslight the person they hurt, insisting that there was never a problem, or that perhaps the other person is really to blame. Because they’re so good at manipulating others, they often succeed at turning the problem around and convincing the other person they’ve done nothing wrong. [6]
    • A dark empath may also know how to fake an apology in a way that makes the offended party feel as if they’re to blame for getting upset: “I’m sorry you feel that way.”
    • They may also subtly present themselves as superior to the offended party by acting condescending and over-apologizing: “I’m so sorry, I never realized you’d take it that way. Are you OK? You poor thing.” The offended person may be left feeling silly for getting upset at all.
  4. These master manipulators know how to put other people in impossible positions to get what they want—or just to see them squirm. Because they can seem charming and trustworthy when they want to be, they find it easy to elicit vulnerable information from other people, which they later use to their advantage. They will commonly lovebomb people close to them in order to gain their trust. [7]
    • They may take pleasure in “playing God” by blackmailing others. Their vindictive streaks mean that sometimes they may be cruel for the sake of exerting power.
    • They might also put those close to them in compromising positions to test—or ensure—their loyalty to the dark empath.
  5. Since they love seeing (and putting) people in compromising positions, it naturally follows that dark empaths would gravitate to the rumor mill. Hearing juicy gossip about other people may make dark empaths feel powerful; practically speaking, knowing the seedy details of their friends’ private lives may give the dark empath leverage to use against their friends if the dark empath ever needs something. (Spoiler alert: they’ll always need something, eventually.) [8]
    • The gossip doesn’t even have to be true. In fact, the dark empath may be likely to exaggerate any rumors they hear—and to keep spreading them, of course.
  6. Dark empaths like to be in control. If there’s any whiff of dissent between them and their friends or significant other, they may be prone to cruelty and vindictive behavior, either to punish the dissenter or to persuade them to change their tune. They might freeze you out or ghost you for “turning” on them, or they may become verbally or physically abusive.
    • The difference between a dark empath’s kind persona and their true, cruel persona is like night and day, and it can change in a flash.
    • They may even plant their heels over an ostensibly silly topic, meaning anyone who disagrees with them may experience a sort of emotional whiplash: one minute, you’re playfully debating the quality of the movie you watched, and the next, dark empath is furiously berating you for disagreeing with them.
  7. The dark empath’s ego is Jupiter-sized. Dark triad disorders are characterized by unreasonably high self-esteem—so high, in fact, that if they were to be knocked off their pedestals, it would pose a threat to their very identity. [9] Dark empaths need to be the center of attention at all times.
    • A refusal to hear criticism goes hand in hand with their supermassive ego. Even the slightest bit of negative feedback could send them into a vicious tailspin. They’re likely to get overly defensive, to hurl the criticism back on the person who made it, or to become abusive.
  8. Because their ego is so huge, dark empaths tend to view success as a zero-sum game: if their friends accomplish something, that takes away from the dark empath’s accomplishments. [10] So while they may outwardly try to seem supportive and charming when someone in their circle wins an award or gets a promotion, inside, they’re seething and looking for subtle ways to undermine that success.
    • In a relationship, a dark empath may not take their significant other’s success well. They’re likely to pout or turn the focus on themselves when their partner achieves a goal, or to tell them they didn’t deserve what they got.
    • They may also downplay other people’s success to make it seem less impressive and to boost their own sense of superiority.
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Section 3 of 4:

How to Deal with a Dark Empath

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  1. Whether you’re in a relationship with a dark empath, or they’re just in your social circle, it’s imperative to set strong boundaries with them. Many dark empaths will not just push your boundaries—they’ll cross them outright, so directly informing them a) what your expectations are and b) what will happen if they defy your boundaries will make them more likely to behave. [11]
    • For instance, if they ask for your opinion on something, and you know they have a tendency to explode if you don’t agree with them, you might tell them directly, “I won't share my opinion unless you promise to respect it.”
    • Be sure to let them know how you’ll respond if they cross your lines: “If you raise your voice at me, I’m going to walk away and end the conversation.”
  2. "Dark empath” isn’t yet a diagnosable condition. But if you suspect someone close to you struggles with narcissism, psychopathy, and/or machiavellianism, gently advocate for them to seek counseling from a licensed therapist. Contrary to popular opinion, it may be possible for people with these conditions to manage them with the help of a counselor and, perhaps, medication.
    • If you’re particularly close to a dark empath—for instance, if they’re in your immediate family, maybe even your spouse—prioritize your own safety and mental health as well. Dealing with a dark empath can be draining, so make sure to cultivate a support group of close friends and maybe even see a therapist of your own. [12]
  3. Sometimes, when people refuse to acknowledge your personal boundaries and they don’t show signs of changing their behavior, the only way to keep yourself safe and protect your mental well-being is to cut contact with them. Regularly evaluate your relationship with the dark empath to make sure it’s still serving you. If it isn’t, consider letting them go.
    • If you're concerned that the dark empath in your life may become violent (or if they've already become violent), try to distance yourself from them as much as possible. Contact friends or family for support, and consider reaching out to the National Domestic Violence Hotline or call 911.
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Section 4 of 4:

What if I suspect I’m a dark empath?

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  1. First of all, the fact that you want to deal with any dark empath traits is a very positive sign (and, frankly, it’s probably an indicator you’re not a dark empath). [13] While terms like “narcissism,” “psycho,” and “machiavellian” have been casually tossed around and used to vilify people on the internet, the reality is that medication and professional counseling may help people with these conditions manage their mental health. [14]
    • If you’re concerned that you relate to many of the traits of a dark empath, remember, everyone relates to some of them at some point or another . So if you experience jealousy when your friend achieves a goal or you get sensitive when people offer you constructive criticism, don’t worry—that’s common, and not inherently a serious issue.
Quiz

wikiHow Quiz: Am I a Narcissist or an Empath?

Empath, narcissist, or somewhere in between? If you’re wondering where you rank, you’ve come to the right place. This quiz is fine-tuned to help you know yourself better and increase your self-awareness. So whether you’re a super empathetic softie or you’re all about yourself, you’ll know in a matter of minutes. Take our quiz to discover more!
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      References

      1. ↑ https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/abs/pii/S0191886920303615
      2. ↑ https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/30930800/
      3. ↑ https://medcircle.com/articles/dark-empath/
      4. ↑ https://www.frontiersin.org/articles/10.3389/fpsyt.2019.00095/full
      5. ↑ https://medcircle.com/articles/dark-empath/
      6. ↑ https://www.marriage.com/advice/mental-health/signs-of-a-dark-empath/
      7. ↑ https://medcircle.com/articles/dark-empath/
      8. ↑ https://medcircle.com/articles/dark-empath/
      9. ↑ https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC3560578/
      1. ↑ https://www.marriage.com/advice/mental-health/signs-of-a-dark-empath/#5_warning_signs_of_a_dark_empath_in_a_relationship
      2. ↑ https://medcircle.com/articles/dark-empath/
      3. ↑ https://medcircle.com/articles/dark-empath/
      4. ↑ https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC2840845/
      5. ↑ https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC4255317/

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