How to Improve Your Emotional Intelligence

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Everything you need to know to raise your EQ
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Emotional intelligence (EQ) is the ability to recognize, understand, and express your own emotions, as well as to perceive and respond to the emotions of others. [1] These skills help you manage your stress levels and communicate effectively with the people around you, which can enhance your life both personally and professionally. In fact, research connects higher EQ levels with better performances at work and school, more satisfying social relationships, and improved mental health. [2] If you want to learn how to develop emotional intelligence, look no further! We’ll explain what emotional intelligence is and provide a list of helpful tips to increase it.

Things You Should Know

  • Emotional intelligence (EQ) is the ability to recognize, understand, and manage your emotions, as well as the ability to perceive and respond to the emotions of others.
  • Ways to improve EQ include recognizing and noting your feelings, practicing mindfulness, building empathy, and working on regulating emotions.
  • Higher EQ levels are linked to improved performance at work or school, better relationships with others, and an increased ability to manage stressful situations.
Section 1 of 2:

What is emotional intelligence?

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  1. It also involves being able to perceive and respond to the emotions of others. [3] These skills are essential for managing stressful situations, achieving personal or professional goals, and having successful relationships with the people around you. [4]
    • Emotional intelligence is also called EQ, (emotional quotient) because it can be thought of as the emotional version of IQ (intelligence quotient).
    • EQ isn’t a fixed trait—you can grow and develop it over time. [5]
  2. These components are self-awareness, self-control, self-motivation, empathy, and social skills. [6] Understanding these 5 components can help you improve your emotional intelligence.
    • Self-awareness : The ability to identify and understand your own emotions and how they affect your life experiences. [7]
    • Self-control : The ability to manage and regulate your own mood, emotions, impulses, and behaviors. [8]
    • Self-motivation : The desire to seek out challenging new experiences and the ability to delay gratification in order to achieve your goals. [9]
    • Empathy : The ability to sense other people’s emotions and imagine what they might be thinking or feeling. [10]
    • Social Skills : The set of abilities we use to communicate with, influence, and motivate the people around us. [11]
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Section 2 of 2:

How to Develop Emotional Intelligence

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  1. The ability to recognize and name your own emotions is an important indicator of a high EQ. [12] Try starting a journal to keep track of your emotions and reflect on their causes. [13] This will help you practice the skill of identifying your feelings and connecting them to the events that triggered them, so you can better manage your emotions in the future.
    • For example, say you’re at work and you get cut off during a meeting. What emotions arose when this happens, and how did you respond?
    • Maybe you felt embarrassed, which led you to be quiet for the rest of the meeting. Or, maybe you felt angry and stomped out of the room.
    • Writing about the emotion and its cause will help you identify your triggers so you can be prepared for them if they come up again.
    EXPERT TIP

    Lauren Urban, LCSW

    Licensed Psychotherapist
    Lauren Urban is a licensed psychotherapist in Brooklyn, New York, with over 13 years of therapy experience working with children, families, couples, and individuals. She received her Masters in Social Work from Hunter College in 2006, and specializes in working with the LGBTQIA community and with clients in recovery or considering recovery for drug and alcohol use.
    Lauren Urban, LCSW
    Licensed Psychotherapist

    Emotions are a reflection of life's evolving story. Sometimes, we find ourselves in an unfamiliar emotional state without knowing why. Give yourself space to clarify your emotions and navigate this phase of your journey.

  2. Instead of ignoring the physical manifestations of your emotions, start listening to them. Our minds and bodies are not separate, and they affect each other deeply. You can raise your EQ by learning how to read physical cues that clue you into what emotions you're feeling. [14] This essentially raises your self-awareness, which is a key component of EQ. For example:
    • Stress might feel like a knot in your stomach, a tight chest, or quick breathing. [15]
    • Sadness might feel like teary eyes or fatigue. [16]
    • Joy, pleasure or nervousness might feel like butterflies in your stomach, a racing heart or increased energy.
  3. Practicing mindfulness involves focusing on the present moment and being intensely aware of your thoughts, sensations, and surroundings. [17] This helps you become more aware of your emotions while fostering a non-judgmental attitude toward them, which can help you raise your EQ. [18] To get started with a mindful lifestyle, try practicing mindfulness meditation .
    • Sit down in a quiet place and focus on the sensations you’re experiencing.
    • Feel the flow of your breath, and let any thoughts that come up pass without judgment. [19]
  4. Once you’re able to accurately recognize and name your own emotions, it’s important to work on regulating and controlling them in order to raise your EQ. [20] Some helpful tools for managing your emotions include performing breathing exercises , taking a pause, and reframing.
    • Deep breathing exercises can help calm stress and anxiety in emotionally-charged situations.
      • Start by taking a slow, deep breath through your nose, letting the air flow all the way down into your belly. Then, let the air flow out through your mouth, and repeat.
      • You might find it helpful to mentally count to 5 as you breathe in and then count to 5 again as you exhale in order to keep a steady pace. [21]
    • Taking a pause in the middle of a conflict or argument can help you avoid any impulsive emotional reactions. If you start to feel the tension rising, step away from the situation to cool off.
    • Reframing involves shifting your perspective to focus on the positive in a situation, rather than the negative, which can help you manage difficult emotions. [22]
      • For example, if you’re feeling stressed about a new responsibility at work, try to think of it as an opportunity to learn and grow.
  5. Self-control is one of the five major components of emotional intelligence, and willpower is key to self-control. Willpower involves resisting short-term temptation and gratification in order to focus on long-term goals. Researchers suggest that willpower is like a muscle, which means that it can get stronger over time with consistent, healthy exercise. [23]
    • For example, if your goal is to build a better relationship with your parents, willpower would involve controlling the impulse to lash out over small, day-to-day annoyances in order to work toward this long-term goal.
    • Practicing mindfulness, setting clear goals, and avoiding tempting situations are helpful ways to build more willpower. [24]
  6. Self-compassion involves recognizing when you’re struggling and being kind to yourself in those moments. [25] It has many benefits, like lowering levels of anxiety and depression and improving your overall well-being. [26] Research also shows that self-compassionate people tend to be more compassionate and empathetic toward others, which is a key aspect of emotional intelligence. [27]
    • Try to treat yourself the way you would treat someone you love.
    • Imagine your best friend going through what you’re going through. What kind words would you say to them?
    • Now direct these words of compassion toward yourself. [28]
  7. Empathy involves being able to recognize how other people are feeling and share in their emotions. [29] It’s essentially the ability to put yourself in another person’s shoes. Developing empathy is a surefire way to increase your emotional intelligence and improve your relationships with others. Here are some ways to cultivate it:
    • When you see someone experience a strong emotion, ask yourself, “How would I react in the same situation?” Actively imagine how they must feel, and think about what might alleviate their hardship.
    • Read more fiction. Studies show that reading literary fiction improves the ability to recognize and understand other people’s emotions. [30] This means that reading more may help increase your empathy.
  8. Truly listening to others while they speak helps you pick up on their emotions and respond to them, which is a key aspect of emotional intelligence. [31] Work on your active listening skills in order to be a good listener . Active listening skills include using engaged body language, summarizing and repeating what the other person said, asking thoughtful questions, and making sure you take equal turns talking. [32]
    • Examples of engaged body language include making eye contact, facing the person you’re talking to, nodding your head, and reacting with animated facial expressions. [33]
    • Try incorporating details from what the other person has said into your response. [34] This shows that you’ve been paying attention to what they’ve said. For example:
      • “It sounds like you were frustrated because your sister didn’t make it to your birthday party. Did you guys end up working things out?”
      • “So what happened after you left the grocery store? Were you able to find what you needed for the recipe somewhere else?”
      • “It’s so wild that you ran into your friend from high school. Did you have a good time catching up?”
  9. Getting out of your comfort zone and making an effort to be more social can help you practice and hone your social skills. This is key to building more emotional intelligence. Social connection also leads to better emotional and physical health and promotes well-being. [35]
    • If you tend to be more introverted, challenge yourself to accept invitations to social outings that you might typically decline.
    • It can be scary to step outside your comfort zone, but increased social connection can have a positive impact on your life, from less stress and anxiety to better quality sleep. [36]
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Expert Q&A

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  • Question
    How can I improve my emotional self-control?
    Sarah Schewitz, PsyD
    Licensed Psychologist
    Sarah Schewitz, Psy.D. is a licensed clinical psychologist by the California Board of Psychology with over 10 years of experience. She received her Psy.D. from the Florida Institute of Technology in 2011. She is the founder of Couples Learn, an online psychology practice helping couples and individuals improve and change their patterns in love and relationships.
    Sarah Schewitz, PsyD
    Licensed Psychologist
    Expert Answer
    If you disagree when someone gives their opinion, try to remember that it's not a personal attack on you and everyone thinks differently. You shouldn't get upset because it has nothing to do with how they view you.
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      Expert Interview

      Thanks for reading our article! If you’d like to learn more about emotional intelligence, check out our in-depth interview with Jennifer Butler, MSW .

      References

      1. ↑ https://www.britannica.com/science/emotional-intelligence
      2. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/click-here-for-happiness/202011/emotional-intelligence-and-how-to-increase-it
      3. ↑ https://www.britannica.com/science/emotional-intelligence
      4. ↑ https://psychcentral.com/lib/what-is-emotional-intelligence-eq
      5. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/click-here-for-happiness/202011/emotional-intelligence-and-how-to-increase-it
      6. ↑ https://www.britannica.com/science/emotional-intelligence
      7. ↑ https://www.britannica.com/science/emotional-intelligence
      8. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/basics/self-control
      9. ↑ https://www.britannica.com/science/emotional-intelligence
      1. ↑ https://greatergood.berkeley.edu/topic/empathy/definition
      2. ↑ https://www.britannica.com/science/emotional-intelligence
      3. ↑ Jennifer Butler, MSW. Love & Empowerment Coach. Expert Interview. 31 July 2020.
      4. ↑ https://psychcentral.com/lib/what-is-emotional-intelligence-eq
      5. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/intl/blog/your-mind-your-body/201201/10-ways-enhance-your-emotional-intelligence
      6. ↑ https://my.clevelandclinic.org/health/articles/11874-stress
      7. ↑ https://psychcentral.com/blog/emotions-are-physical#why-do-we-experience-this
      8. ↑ https://www.mayoclinic.org/healthy-lifestyle/consumer-health/in-depth/mindfulness-exercises/art-20046356
      9. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/click-here-for-happiness/202011/emotional-intelligence-and-how-to-increase-it
      10. ↑ https://www.mayoclinic.org/healthy-lifestyle/consumer-health/in-depth/mindfulness-exercises/art-20046356
      11. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/basics/self-control
      12. ↑ https://www.nhs.uk/mental-health/self-help/guides-tools-and-activities/breathing-exercises-for-stress/
      13. ↑ https://www.hopkinsmedicine.org/health/wellness-and-prevention/the-power-of-positive-thinking
      14. ↑ https://www.apa.org/topics/personality/willpower
      15. ↑ https://psychcentral.com/health/how-to-develop-more-willpower#tips-for-developing-willpower
      16. ↑ https://www.health.harvard.edu/healthbeat/the-power-of-self-compassion
      17. ↑ https://www.health.harvard.edu/mental-health/4-ways-to-boost-your-self-compassion
      18. ↑ https://greatergood.berkeley.edu/article/item/the_five_myths_of_self_compassion
      19. ↑ https://www.health.harvard.edu/healthbeat/the-power-of-self-compassion
      20. ↑ https://www.britannica.com/science/emotional-intelligence
      21. ↑ https://www.science.org/doi/abs/10.1126/science.1239918?sid=f192d0cc-1443-4bf1-a043-61410da39519
      22. ↑ https://psychcentral.com/lib/what-is-emotional-intelligence-eq
      23. ↑ https://ggia.berkeley.edu/practice/active_listening
      24. ↑ https://ggia.berkeley.edu/practice/active_listening
      25. ↑ https://psychcentral.com/lib/become-a-better-listener-active-listening
      26. ↑ https://www.cdc.gov/social-connectedness/about/
      27. ↑ https://www.cdc.gov/social-connectedness/about/

      About This Article

      Article Summary X

      To develop emotional intelligence, work on being open-minded and agreeable so you can deal with conflicts in a calm, self-assured manner. For example, try watching debates on TV and consider both sides of the argument instead of deciding who's right or wrong. You can also improve your empathy skills by putting yourself in other people’s shoes and imagining how you would feel in the same situation. Additionally, observe people's reactions, like whether they seem cheerful or nervous around you, to understand your effect on others. For more tips, like how to read body language, read on!

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