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What to do and say when you’re super upset with your mom
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Even if your mom is your best friend, there are times when she makes you angry or frustrated. That’s natural! Conflict happens in every family, but it doesn’t have to blow up into a big argument. We talked to family therapists Jin S. Kim and Ebony Eubanks to show you how to understand your anger at your mom, talk to her, and handle your emotions moving forward. We’ll also help you deal with angry parents, and deal with your own anger if you're a parent.
Expressing Your Anger to Your Mom
Take a moment to calm down before confronting your mom. When the time comes, say something like, “Mom, I’m feeling upset about something you did, and I want to talk about it,” or, “I love you, but I’m angry with you right now. Can we work it out?”
Steps
Section 1 of 5:
Understanding Your Anger
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Remind yourself that feeling angry isn’t a bad thing. Anger is a normal emotion and a common reaction to things that upset us. It’s important to realize that expressing anger can be a good thing, and that avoiding anger entirely can actually lead to larger, more harmful blowups with your mom later. [1] X Trustworthy Source American Psychological Association Leading scientific and professional organization of licensed psychologists Go to source
- Everyone gets angry with their parents, siblings, and friends sometimes! It’s a natural part of interacting with the people around us.
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Ask yourself what’s causing your anger. Feeling angry at your mom often means there’s a problem that hasn’t been addressed, or that your own feelings aren’t being recognized by her. [2] X Research source When you feel anger growing inside of you, take a minute and ask yourself, “What is this feeling really about?” Some common underlying feelings are:
- Vulnerability, or feeling like you might get hurt and aren’t being protected.
- Embarrassment, like if you feel ashamed of something but don’t want to feel that way.
- Fear, like when you’re afraid your mom will do something you don’t want her to.
- Insecurity, like when you’re self-conscious about something and your mom doesn’t seem to understand.
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Ask yourself what your mom does to trigger your angry feelings. When dealing with your mom, it’s important to know what triggers you to feel mad so you can try to avoid these situations with her, and also so that you’re prepared to deal with being angry in a healthy way if the situation is unavoidable. [3] X Trustworthy Source American Psychological Association Leading scientific and professional organization of licensed psychologists Go to source It also helps you communicate the problem to her. Some common triggers include:
- Invasion of space or privacy
- Discussing grades or school responsibilities
- Privileges being revoked
- Asking about relationships with friends or significant others
- Arguments over chores
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Ask yourself if you always feel angry, or only feel angry sometimes. If you tend to get mad at your mom due to certain words or circumstances, your anger is most likely “situational,” meaning it only happens in some situations; try avoiding these types of situations and talk to her about how certain words trigger you. However, if your anger is extreme in nature and occurs often or with minimal provocation, your anger might be “chronic”; consider asking to see an outside party, like a therapist, for help with these more complex feelings. [4] X Trustworthy Source Child Mind Institute Nonprofit organization providing evidence-based care for children with mental health and learning disorders and their families Go to source
- Chronic anger often means there’s a deeper problem with you or your mom’s mental health, or with your relationship.
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Section 2 of 5:
Talking to Your Mom when You're Mad
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Wait a little while before you tackle the problem. Sometimes the worst thing you can do is blurt out the first thing that comes to mind when you’re upset. It will most likely be badly planned or hurtful to both your mom and you in the long run. Instead, take a minute (or as much time as you need!) to understand and manage your anger. [5] X Trustworthy Source Child Mind Institute Nonprofit organization providing evidence-based care for children with mental health and learning disorders and their families Go to source Try saying:
- “Mom, I’m feeling really frustrated and need a little bit to think about all of this.”
- “I’m kind of upset right now, but I’d like to keep talking about this later.”
- "Mom, I am having a bad day, Can we talk about this later?"
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Calm yourself down with some deep breaths. When you’re mad, it’s super important to try to cool down a bit before confronting your mom. Otherwise, the conversation might not go the way you want it to, or you might not think clearly. When you feel yourself getting really angry, try one of these ways to calm down : [6] X Research source
- Calm yourself by repeating soothing things to yourself, such as: “You are okay, just calm down,” or, “Take it easy, everything will be fine/okay.”
- Leave the situation and go for a walk or a run. Exercising will help relieve some of the intensity of your anger, and the time away will give you time to think.
- Try slowly counting to 10 before you speak (or a higher number if you need more time!).
- Focus on slowing your breathing. Take slow, deep breaths through your nose, and then slowly exhale out your mouth. Repeat this until you feel your heart slowing and your anger subsiding.
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Identify possible solutions before talking to her. Once the immediate, fiery anger has subsided a bit, think about the outcome you want (to get the car keys, to be allowed to go to the party, more allowance, etc.) and consider ways to discuss this with your mom in a calm way. [7] X Research source Keep in mind that compromising goes a long way!
- For example, if your mom won’t let you borrow the car, try saying, “I understand that you don’t want me to take the car, but what if I put $20 worth of gas in it before giving it back?” and see what she says.
- Try offering to do extra chores around the house, like doing the dishes or cleaning your room.
- Show your mom you are really trying by doing things without being asked, like helping set the table for dinner or practicing your instrument. This will help your mum calm down if you had an argument too.
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Make your comments as calmly and as respectfully as possible. When talking with your mom (or anyone else), it’s okay to disagree with someone as long as you avoid being disrespectful or aggressive. [8] X Research source In order to have a constructive conversation, be sure to:
- Avoid putting down her beliefs or ideas. You don’t have to agree on everything, but saying things like “That’s a stupid idea!” won’t help your situation..
- Focus on the present, and don’t dredge up all past fights. It will confuse your point of view and quickly escalate the conversation into an argument.
- Be respectful and avoid sarcasm at all costs; it is the fastest way to derail a positive conversation. [9] X Trustworthy Source American Psychological Association Leading scientific and professional organization of licensed psychologists Go to source Instead of responding, “Yeah, I’ll get right on that Mom” try saying, “I know you want me to do that right now, but would it be all right if I did that after I finish this assignment?”
- Don’t play your parents off of one another. This will only cause the situation to escalate, and even more feelings could get hurt.
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Use “I” statements to share your own perspective. Therapist Ebony Eubanks says to use “I” statements to discuss your feelings and thoughts from your perspective, which is less argumentative and can help steer the conversation with your mom in a positive direction. [10] X Expert Source Ebony Eubanks, MSW, ACSW, CAMS-II
Therapist Expert Interview. 7 October 2022.- For example, try saying “I feel a lot of pressure to do all of these chores when I still have so much homework left” instead of, “You make me do so much housework that I have no time for myself!”
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Hear what your mom has to say. Kim says two-way communication is vital to resolving conflict with your parents. [11] X Expert Source Jin S. Kim, MA
Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist Expert Interview. 14 May 2019. Even though it’s hard to believe that your mom could be right, it’s still important to hear her point of view. She could have reasons that you haven’t considered! Regardless, show your respect her by hearing her out, just as you want her to respect you and hear your side.- Try restating and summarizing after you hear her side. [12] X Research source For example, you could say something like, "Mom, let me see if I understand you correctly. It sounds like you're saying I can't have the car on weeknights because of school, but you are okay with me using it on Saturday night if I put gas in it. Is that right?"
- This has 2 benefits: it shows you were listening to your mom, and it allows her to clarify anything that may have been misunderstood.
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Understand that you might not “win” the argument. You might not get your way this time, but that doesn’t mean that you haven’t successfully dealt with being mad at your mom. Know that your calm, rational discussion with her will make her respect you more, which will undoubtedly benefit you in future disagreements. [13] X Research source
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Move on after you have both shared your opinions. After you and your mom have had a chance to say your peace and have expressed your opinions effectively and appropriately, try to move on in one of the following ways: [14] X Research source
- If you are unable to come to an agreement, then agree to disagree. If you see that the conversation between you and your mom isn’t going anywhere, try saying, “Mom, I feel like we are talking in circles now, and I think we should table this conversation for the time being.”
- If you do come to an agreement, acknowledge the accomplishment! Be sure to apologize if you need to, and be humble when saying “I forgive you” to any apologies from your mother.
- Finish with a simple, “I really liked how we handled that. Thanks, Mom.” It’ll go really far moving forward.
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Section 3 of 5:
Handling Your Anger Moving Forward
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Keep communicating openly and honestly with your mom. Kim says that the more often you address issues as they come with your mom in a clear, level-headed way, the more likely she is to recognize that you are growing up, and so she can trust you and your decisions and opinions more. [15] X Expert Source Jin S. Kim, MA
Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist Expert Interview. 14 May 2019. Set ground rules and build trust and security with your mom, and you will be mad at her (and vice versa!) much less moving forward. -
Find healthy outlets for your anger. In addition to healthy discussions with your mom as situations arise, it is also important to prevent anger from building up inside of you. Some common outlets include: [16] X Research source
- Listening to music
- Exercising
- Writing down your feelings and thoughts
- Deep breathing
- Talking with a trustworthy friend
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Own your feelings and behaviors. It’s easy to feel like your mom doesn’t understand you or to blame her and others for all of your problems, but these aren’t very helpful reactions. Instead of asking why this is happening to you, take responsibility for your own feelings and your own part in a situation. [17] X Research source If you don’t, you will continue to make the same decisions and have the same fights with your mom.
- Remember, your mom is a person like you! Try to see things from her perspective. She’s probably just trying to keep you safe and healthy.
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Section 4 of 5:
Talking to Your Mom When She’s Angry
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Think about why your mom might be angry. It’s not easy to approach an angry parent, but remember that your mom has feelings too, and just like you, her feelings are sometimes overwhelming. Before you talk to her, think about why she might be angry. This will help you pinpoint the problem and either offer to help, or realize that she might just need some space. Some common reasons include: [18] X Research source
- She’s overworked or overwhelmed with her daily life and responsibilities. You might offer to help her get some chores done.
- Something you did has frustrated her, and now she has to deal with it. You might apologize or offer to help fix the mistake.
- She’s angry or stressed at something that’s not related to you. In this case, she probably just needs some space.
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Ask your mom for help fixing your mistake to appear responsible. There are times when we’re too afraid to tell our parents something because we’re worried they’ll get angry at what we did. [19] X Research source If this is the case, frame the problem as a request for help. That way, you show that you know you’re in trouble, but now you need them to be a parent, not your enemy, in order to solve it.
- For example, say, “Mom, I need to tell you something. It might make you angry, but please remember that I’m asking for help.”
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Give your mom some time to vent her anger. Parenting is tough! Your mom is a person, just like you, with her own emotions. Sometimes, she also has trouble handling those emotions, just like you. If possible, give your mom some space to cool down before you try to tackle the issue. [20] X Trustworthy Source HealthyChildren.org Health information from the American Academy of Pediatrics. Go to source
- For example, say, “Mom, I know you’re angry with me, but I want to talk this through when we’re both calm. Can we take a time out?”
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Explain your own perspective and how you feel. Your mom isn’t a mind reader, and the only way to explain yourself is with your words. [21] X Trustworthy Source HealthyChildren.org Health information from the American Academy of Pediatrics. Go to source Stay calm, and describe your own feelings with “I” statements to let her know how you feel.
- For example, say, “When you yell at me like that, it makes me feel scared, unsafe, and hurt. I don’t want to be afraid to tell you things.”
- If you need to, write your mom a letter or a text, if talking to her directly is too intimidating.
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Talk to another trusted adult if you feel unsafe or unheard. If you feel your parents are being especially unfair, mean, or stubborn, try talking with another authority figure about your situation, like a teacher or a guidance counselor. If your parents are purposefully doing things to hurt you, don’t hesitate to let these authority figures know. [22] X Research source
- You might talk to your dad, aunts or uncles, or grandparents if you’d rather keep the problem inside the family.
- Even though they’re your parents, there’s never any excuse for them to hurt you physically or mentally.
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Section 5 of 5:
Dealing with Your Anger as a Parent
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Take a moment to calm yourself. Resist the urge to blow up, no matter how bad the situation seems. Before you say or do something you regret, take several deep breaths and get some perspective on the situation by reminding yourself it’s not the end of the world, and that your kids are just that: kids. [23] X Trustworthy Source Child Mind Institute Nonprofit organization providing evidence-based care for children with mental health and learning disorders and their families Go to source
- If you need to, make sure your child is safe, then remove yourself from the situation for a while, until your nerves have cooled off.
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Think about the situation from your child’s perspective. Your child is still their own person, with their own complex perspective and understanding, which may be different from yours. [24] X Trustworthy Source HelpGuide Nonprofit organization dedicated to providing free, evidence-based mental health and wellness resources. Go to source Try to put yourself in their shoes, and understand how frustrating the situation might be for them, too.
- For example, you might not allow them to go somewhere alone for their own safety, but to them, it might seem like you don’t trust them, or that they’re being punished for something they don’t comprehend.
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Communicate your own feelings openly and honestly. Children deserve the same level of communication , respect, and honesty as an adult. They’re also more empathetic than you might think. Tell your child how you feel and why, and explain why their behavior frustrates you, while also acknowledging their own feelings. [25] X Trustworthy Source HelpGuide Nonprofit organization dedicated to providing free, evidence-based mental health and wellness resources. Go to source
- For example, say, “I worry about your safety when you do risky things without asking me. I worry because I love you, and that worry makes me upset.”
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Consider compromising. Compromise doesn’t have to be a defeat! Often, you can find ways to compromise that make everyone happy, and which relieves plenty of your own tension. Think of ways to compromise that discourage bad behaviors from your child, while still allowing them room and space to be their own person. [26] X Trustworthy Source Child Mind Institute Nonprofit organization providing evidence-based care for children with mental health and learning disorders and their families Go to source
- For example, if they want to go to a sleepover but have an early curfew, allow them to go, but request that they do some extra chores beforehand.
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Talk to a professional if the situation feels overwhelming. Parenting isn’t easy, but you don’t have to do it alone. If you have constant trouble raising your child, or feel your nerves fraying more often than not, consider talking to a family therapist or counselor for help. [27] X Trustworthy Source American Psychological Association Leading scientific and professional organization of licensed psychologists Go to source These professionals are equipped with many strategies to handle unruly kids, and have seen pretty much everything.
- Asking for help doesn’t mean you’ve failed as a parent! In fact, it means you’re being the best parent you can be by doing whatever’s necessary for the wellbeing of your child.
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Expert Q&A
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QuestionHow can I control my anger toward my mom?Jin Kim is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist based out of Los Angeles, California. Jin specializes in working with LGBTQ individuals, people of color, and those that may have challenges related to reconciling multiple and intersectional identities. Jin received his Masters in Clinical Psychology from Antioch University Los Angeles, with a specialization in LGBT-Affirming Psychology, in 2015.Make sure that you openly communicate with your mom so you can work through the situation.
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Tips
- If you feel like you or your Mom need counseling for anger, please visit https://www.apa.org/topics/psychotherapy/choose-therapist for help finding the right specialist.Thanks
- Expressing your anger should never be violent. If you or your Mom experience violent reactions, please call (800) 799-SAFE (7233) for anonymous, confidential help.Thanks
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References
- ↑ https://www.apa.org/topics/anger/control
- ↑ https://www.kidshealth.org/en/teens/emotional-awareness.html
- ↑ https://www.apa.org/topics/anger/control
- ↑ https://childmind.org/article/teens-and-anger/
- ↑ https://childmind.org/article/teens-and-anger/
- ↑ https://kidshealth.org/en/kids/anger.html
- ↑ https://www.kidshealth.org/en/teens/emotional-awareness.html
- ↑ https://www.mhanational.org/time-talk-talking-your-parents
- ↑ https://www.apa.org/topics/anger/control
- ↑ Ebony Eubanks, MSW, ACSW, CAMS-II. Therapist. Expert Interview. 7 October 2022.
- ↑ Jin S. Kim, MA. Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist. Expert Interview. 14 May 2019.
- ↑ https://psychcentral.com/lib/become-a-better-listener-active-listening
- ↑ https://www.mhanational.org/time-talk-talking-your-parents
- ↑ https://kidshealth.org/en/kids/anger.html
- ↑ Jin S. Kim, MA. Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist. Expert Interview. 14 May 2019.
- ↑ https://kidshealth.org/en/kids/anger.html
- ↑ https://www.mhanational.org/time-talk-talking-your-parents
- ↑ https://www.mhanational.org/time-talk-talking-your-parents
- ↑ https://www.mhanational.org/time-talk-talking-your-parents
- ↑ https://www.healthychildren.org/English/healthy-living/emotional-wellness/Pages/Everybody-Gets-Mad-Helping-Your-Child-Cope-with-Conflict.aspx
- ↑ https://www.healthychildren.org/English/healthy-living/emotional-wellness/Pages/Everybody-Gets-Mad-Helping-Your-Child-Cope-with-Conflict.aspx
- ↑ https://www.mhanational.org/time-talk-talking-your-parents
- ↑ https://childmind.org/article/angry-kids-dealing-with-explosive-behavior/
- ↑ https://www.helpguide.org/articles/parenting-family/helping-troubled-teens.htm
- ↑ https://www.helpguide.org/articles/parenting-family/helping-troubled-teens.htm
- ↑ https://childmind.org/article/angry-kids-dealing-with-explosive-behavior/
- ↑ https://www.apa.org/topics/anger/control
About This Article
Article Summary
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While dealing with your mom when you’re mad can be difficult, try talking to her in a way that won’t be hurtful or harmful to your relationship. Instead of confronting her right away, which can make you say things you'll regret, take some time to calm down by saying something like “I’m upset right now, but I want to talk more about this later.” Then, try to calm yourself down by going for a walk, slowly counting to 10, or taking a few deep breaths. Once you’re calm and your anger has subsided, think about possible solutions to the problem that will make you and your mom happy. For example, you might compromise by saying “I understand that you don’t want me to use the car on school nights, but how would you feel if I used it on the weekends if I put gas in it when I was done?” To learn how to respectfully listen to your mom’s point of view, keep reading!
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Reader Success Stories
- "It helped me deal with my mom a lot. Since she's a doctor, she will not let me eat anything unhealthy! But after I read this and told my mom that, she let me have more if I stayed balanced. It was good to eat normally around other friends without being asked "Why are you eating that?" Anyway, thanks!" ..." more
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"It helped me deal with my mom a lot. Since she's a doctor, she will not let me eat anything unhealthy! But after I read this and told my mom that, she let me have more if I stayed balanced. It was good to eat normally around other friends without being asked "Why are you eating that?" Anyway, thanks!"
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"l liked the steps and suggestions, because it helped me to know what to do. I also liked all the article, because I now know why she is angry and sad. I will work on making everything being well with my mother."
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"When she tried to scold me, I just said calm down, it's going to be okay. Tip to others: You have no right to shout at your mother. Just find another outlet to calm down if you feel extremely angry."
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"It helped me. When I confronted my mom, she was happy with me and I was happy with her. We talked about our situation, hugged it out and had a great rest of our night."
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