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Sociopaths come off as charming and personable, but once you get to know them their true personalities are revealed. If you know someone who's manipulative and remorseless, it's important to deal with the situation so you won't end up feeling emotionally drained. There's no sense in trying to argue with a sociopath; the better approach is to show the person you're too intelligent to fall prey to their schemes.
Steps
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Recognize the signs that someone is sociopathic. Sociopaths have a personality disorder that prevents them from feeling empathy for others. Although they often seem friendly and likable, they use their charm to get people to do things for them. The following traits are common among sociopaths: [1] X Research source
- Superficial charm; everyone seems to like them.
- Lack of remorse; they don't feel guilty when they've done something wrong.
- Lack of empathy; they don't seem to care when someone else is hurt.
- Propensity to lie; they do it casually, like it's nothing.
- Incapacity for love; those closest to them realize something is missing.
- Egocentricity; they light up when they're the center of attention.
- Delusions of grandeur; they often perceive themselves as superior to others.
- Reader Poll: We asked 1913 wikiHow readers and 51% of them agreed that the most telling behavior of a sociopath is lack of empathy . [Take Poll]
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Understand what drives a sociopath. Sociopaths aren't driven by the desire to make the world a better place, help others or be accountable in their closest relationships. "Doing the right thing" is not a motivator for a sociopath; rather, sociopaths are motivated by having power over other people and using it to get what they want: more power, money, casual sex and so on. [2] X Research source
- Even if a sociopath takes an action that appears to be good-hearted or kind, there's usually an ulterior motive.
- Sociopaths often cheat on their partners, since they don't feel guilt for doing so.
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Realize that sociopaths are expert manipulators. They're dangerous because they're capable of making people do whatever they want. Sociopaths use a variety of strategies to cause people in their lives to do things for them. They often pit people against each other to achieve their own ends, or have others lie for them to cover up the truth.
- Sociopaths are often at the center of love triangles, or the people to break up a marriage.
- In a workplace setting, they might undermine coworkers to make themselves look good in front of the boss.
- In a friend circle, a sociopath might cause drama that forces people to take sides, while they coolly control the entire situation.
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Don't expect a sociopath to care about your feelings. A sociopath does not care who gets used or hurt, because sociopaths have no conscience or scruples against taking gross advantage of your kindness and goodwill. A key characteristic of a sociopath is that they can not comprehend that others have feelings or can be hurt by their actions.
- Sociopaths don't change to become empathetic. No amount of "talking it through" or giving the person extra chances is going to make them a better person.
- If you can distance yourself enough to realize it's not really about you, you'll have more power to stand up to the sociopath.
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To deal with a sociopath, be strong and calm. Once you recognize that someone in your life is a sociopath, you'll be able to see what drives the person and where their weak points are. If you try to handle the person like you would someone without a personality disorder, you'll just end up getting frustrated or pulled back into the person's drama. [3] X Research source
- When you interact with a sociopath, keep your guard up and resist the temptation to talk it out or change the person.
- Remember that sociopaths aren't motivated by love, but by power, so you want to show them you won't give them power over you.
"I have made friends with a sociopath in the last five years. He has become my partner and live-in boyfriend. He had played on my sympathies, at first as he was almost homeless. I had recently become a widow and thought his kindness and affections were sincere. As time went on and he was unable to keep a job, I found myself taking care of him as if I had adopted a grown son, paying all the bills for myself and him and him trying to make me feel guilty when there wasn't food in the house." more comments ..." more
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Consider avoiding the person completely. Sociopaths aren't easy to deal with, so if you can cut the person out of your life, that might be best. Your relationship with the person isn't likely to improve. If you're dating someone you think might be a sociopath, or if the person is a friend, you should strongly consider breaking off the relationship.
- This is especially true if you have an empathetic, sensitive type of personality. Sociopaths prey on this personality type, so get out while you can. [4] X Research source
- In some cases, though, it's impossible to break things off. Maybe the sociopath is your boss at work, or worse, your parent, child or sibling. If that's the case, you'll need to learn effective ways to handle yourself around the person.
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Put up your guard. Don't let yourself be caught off-guard in a vulnerable situation when the sociopath is around. Showing your real emotions will make you a target, since the sociopath will see you as someone who can be easily manipulated. When you have to interact with the person, show that you're completely in control of yourself.
- Try putting on a cheerful face whenever the sociopath is around. Even if you're not feeling particularly cheerful that day, you don't want to reveal your true mood to the person.
- It's important to show that you're not someone who's easily cracked or swayed. If you're feeling vulnerable, try to stay away from the person for the day.
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Be skeptical about anything the person tells you. Remember that sociopaths are highly skilled at pushing people's buttons to get a rise out of them. If you anticipate this before it happens, you'll be less likely to become a victim of the sociopath's manipulations. Stay calm and casual no matter what the person says.
- For example, you might be having a perfectly fine morning at work when your sociopath coworker comes up to you and tells you the boss has a big problem with your latest report. Don't believe what the sociopath tells you until you hear it straight from your boss's mouth.
- Or the sociopath in your group of friends might casually tell you about a party you weren't invited to. Wait until you get the story from someone else before you react.
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Carry on a neutral conversation. Instead of letting the sociopath do all the talking, speak up and take the conversation where you want it to go. That way you can keep it in comfortable territory, never giving the person a chance to catch you off-guard with some kind of barb. Agree with the person in complimentary ways whenever you can.
- Talk, talk, talk, about anything and everything that is neutral and safe, like weather, sports, and so on.
- Continuously change the subject (especially if they say something to try to harass you) and try not to have any long moments of silence.
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Never share personal information. Never talk about your family, friends, business, finances, dreams, goals, and so on. Sociopaths want to use you, your loved ones, your resources and your connections. To prevent the person from getting what they want, show that you don't have anything up for grabs.
- If what the person wants from you is your money, don't let it be easy to find. A sociopath will open your bank statements and look at your account without your permission, so be careful to keep your records secure. Create the impression that you do not have a lot of money and that your friends and family do not have a lot of money, so you won't be seen as a target.
- If the person wants power, create the impression that you are not well connected.
- If they want to use you, make yourself less desirable.
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Avoid talking about what makes you happy or upset. If the person knows what you truly love and enjoy, or what makes you angry and sad, they can use that information as a weapon against you.
- Avoid complaining, since any information about your weaknesses, things that cause you mental, emotional or psychological pain, or anything that annoys, bothers or hurts you they will use as arsenal to terrorize you.
- Don't let the person know when your feelings are hurt. The sociopath will be more likely to repeat the behavior so you'll get hurt again.
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Keep your cards close to your chest. If a sociopath knows your plans ahead of time, they might use that knowledge to harass, belittle, discourage or humiliate you. If you plan to do something, don't tell the sociopath about it ahead of time. Wait until you have completed your task before sharing the information.
- For example, if you plan to change jobs, first take the exam, go to the interview, get the new job and resign from the old job before you share the good news with the sociopath. Once the event has already taken place, they won't be able to find a way to keep you from doing well.
- If you live or work with the sociopath, use periods of time when they are out of the office or away from home to make small purchases, make small changes or get things done.
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Show the sociopath that you're on to them. If you want a sociopath out of your life completely, they have to realize you aren't going to be duped. The sociopath will eventually give up and move on to another easier target.
- Do not react when the person harasses you.
- Calmly call the person out when they blatantly lie.
- Show that you're not susceptible to their manipulations.
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Do not become indebted to a sociopath. One major way that sociopaths get people to do their bidding is by creating a situation that gives them power. Don't do anything that the sociopath could later use to control your behavior. For example,
- Don't borrow money from a sociopath.
- Don't accept gifts in any form. If the person wants to "put in a good word for you" with the boss, politely decline.
- Don't accept help in any form.
- Don't do anything for which you might later feel the need to apologize.
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Document harassment if it takes place. If you feel the person is trying to undermine you, it's important to start collecting evidence. Since sociopaths are often quite popular, you might find yourself in a situation where no one believes you unless you have proof that you're being wronged. Save emails and other correspondence so you can share it with the other parties involved if need be.
- Be careful how you document your interactions with the person. Recording someone without their knowledge is a felony in some states. If you're being harassed and you need to gather proof, you may want to first speak with an attorney to figure out the best course of action.
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Get professional help. If you feel emotionally susceptible to the sociopath, and they are having a negative impact on your life, it will help to talk about it with someone who isn't involved. Seek the help of a therapist or psychologist who can help you work through what's happening and give you more tools to deal with the sociopath.
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Comments
- "Knowing about sociopaths is a must for every living human being. They constitute one percent of our population. Very likely we come across someone somewhere. Being a medico myself, I have interest in sociopathy and psychopathy, as I feel knowledge is the only tool that people can use when confronted with such situations. This knowledge goes a long way protecting the persons in question, and also the humanity in a larger context." ..." more
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"This helped a lot. Unfortunately, we are dealing with exactly this situation with my sister. She is displaying all the signs mentioned here, including breaking up her family. I tried to point out the situation in my family and she turned everyone against me, including my mother. It really helped me to understand clearly as what's taking place in the family. Thanks for the article." ..." more
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"I live with a sociopath and this is him to a T. I have been following some of this advice and will begin to implement more. I am afraid of him to the point he is potentially dangerous and causing me illness. He has been the scariest person I've dealt with in my life. I made a huge mistake accepting his controlling behaviors in the beginning. I enabled him to infiltrate my life in such a way that it is very difficult to get out. " ..." more
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"So dead on. I've been living with a sociopath for 17 years and started studying his behavior. Please, if you're in a relationship with a sociopath, get out. I've been mentally and physically abused for all these years. Don't let them see your weakness. Don't give in to them. It will never get better. You can't change them. I've tried and because of him, I'm in therapy myself. I hope this helps. Good luck to all!" ..." more
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"This article has solid, honest advice for dealing with a sociopath. I realize now that my father is sociopathic and it's a relief to know that I'm not at fault. I've tried everything this article says not to do and all of it failed. The only way to get any peace if you have a sociopath in your life is to get them out of your life. Avoid them, keep your plans and your feelings a secret from them." ..." more
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"Wow, this article helped more than anyone can know. My best friend and roommate is a sociopathic drug addict. As a roommate, she is the worst in the world. She has no remorse or anything. She manipulates whenever she can. I don't want to leave without trying to help and living the rest of my life with "what ifs." This article was dead on exactly how she behaves. Thank you for sharing." ..." more
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"First article I read that has clearly stated how to deal with sociopath. My ex-husband is a sociopath, and after reading the article I realized how many mistakes I have made. I tried to be nice and open towards my ex because we share a child. It's hard and now I know I must be stronger and take into account everything that was written in the article. Thank you." ..." more
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"My daughter passed away, leaving a baby with her husband. He is a sociopath and is making the lives of these children a nightmare. We receive no assistance, as he has manipulated the agencies that should be protecting the children. We have no choice but to deal with him. I want to know how best to keep our heads above water and help our daughter's children." ..." more
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"In the beginning my relationship was incredible. This article was an eye opening revelation that made me realize I am not crazy. I thought for a moment that my ex could be bipolar. This article describes my ex and his behavior spot on, and now I have the strength to move on without being manipulated to feel like I've done something wrong. " ..." more
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"I've been with a sociopath for 30 years, 23 married. I've only recently discovered what this condition is. When she's nice she's beautiful, but when she's not she's a nightmare, and that's 80% of the time. You simply can't beat them, and they will never ever change. I'm finally getting out. All the best to everyone's battle." ..." more
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"I am going through a very rough time at the moment with my long-term partner. After reading this, I can now see that I have been in a sociopathic relationship as the victim for number of years, which has caused me considerable pain and heartache. Thanks for making things clearer for me so that I can move on with my life." ..." more
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"I have realized I'm in a relationship of 7 months with a sociopath. I learned this through reading this article. All the signs and explanations of identifying a sociopath have helped me. I learned how I should deal with this person, as it has turned abusive." ..." more
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"Nice to read that cutting contact with sociopaths was the right move and not paranoid or defeatist. I'm sure the people I knew will be remembered as "lovely" and "inspiring", so the references to popularity make me more sure sociopath is the correct label." ..." more
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"I learned the hard way but found that the less you deal with them the better! Talking to them and trying to be nice doesn't work! You need to be stern, repeat what you say, stay on subject, and keep it short! Also, let them know that they're harassing you." ..." more
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"I've lived with a sociopath for 30 years, and everything you've explained is not only helpful, but dead right. The best advice I can give is act, don't react. Like you suggested - don't cry, don't show your anger, don't try to argue. Stay calm and aloof." ..." more
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"This was the clearest, most to-the-point article I have read on the subject. It has helped me to see that I'm intuitively and finally taking the right steps. I'll forward it to other people who need to have more insight on his manipulations. Thank you." ..." more
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"It was very easy to understand and gave great advice. It helped me understand why I have become such an easy target for the sociopath in my life (bipolar I can't really hide my highs and lows) and how I can better protect my family and myself from her." ..." more
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"I live in a remote community of 12 people and one is a sociopath. I have read several books on the subject and your article sums it all up. Also the "tips" & "warning" were very helpful. I will be sure to share this with the 10 people in the community." ..." more
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"Thank you for this article! For 4 years I have been trying to understand a toxic woman in my life. I couldn't figure out why she lied so much or how she seemed to have no shame/guilt or empathy with her shady actions. Now I know what I'm dealing with." ..." more
Expert Q&A
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QuestionDo sociopaths want to change?Dr. Liana Georgoulis is a Licensed Clinical Psychologist based in Los Angeles, California. She is the founder and clinical director of Coast Psychological Services. With over 12 years of experience, her mission is to provide clients with effective, well-studied, and established treatments that bring about significant improvements in her patients' lives. Her practice provides cognitive behavioral therapy and other evidence-based therapies for adolescents, adults, and couples. Additionally, she provides group therapy for social anxiety, social skills, and assertiveness training. Providing a space where clients feel understood and supported is essential to her work. Dr. Georgoulis also provides clinical supervision to post-doctoral fellows and psychological assistants. She received her PhD in Clinical Psychology from Pepperdine University and a BA in Psychology from the University of California, Los Angeles.There's an overwhelming amount of evidence that true sociopaths don't change. In fact, therapy and other types of treatment can make them worse. The only time to intervene is if it were an adolescent possibly on that track. Some interventions may help in childhood and adolescence that can help a person avoid developing the full-blown disorder, but this is not the case in adults.
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Tips
- Learn to say no. Nothing will send a sociopath to an easier target than a lack of "supply"(money or help).Thanks
- A sociopath needs to know that the end is near. Do not become interested in anything they have to say because they are great at manipulating others into believing that their way is the best avenue. Be careful, and live with a heightened sense of awareness.Thanks
- Don't ever tell them they are wrong. Sociopaths will always think they are right and will always try to win no matter what. If you tell them they are wrong or defend them, it would lead to a fight or an argument.Thanks
Tips from our Readers
The advice in this section is based on the lived experiences of wikiHow readers like you. If you have a helpful tip you’d like to share on wikiHow, please submit it in the field below.
- "Seek professional counseling if it's needed to process the trauma sociopaths can inflict. A therapist can help you heal and develop coping strategies tailored to your situation."
- "Avoid telling the sociopath anything personal that could be used against you, like fears, insecurities, plans, or financial details. Information is ammunition for a sociopath."
- "If possible, cut ties completely. Sociopaths rarely change, so limiting contact protects you emotionally. But if unable to avoid them entirely, set firm boundaries."
- "If you must interact, show no emotion and keep conversations superficial. Deflect probing questions and never complain or confide in them. Stay calm and collected."
- "Let no debt or obligation give them power over you. Never accept money, gifts, favors, or "help" from a sociopath, as they use these to manipulate."
- "Document any harassment or abuse discreetly should you need proof down the line. But be aware of recording consent laws to avoid trouble."
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Warnings
- Avoidance is the best way to deal with a sociopath. If total avoidance is not an option, then try to pull authority figures into your life and try to keep these people close, refer to them often in front of the psychopath. Mention you tell everything about your life to these people. Psychopaths don't feel comfortable around police or mental health workers (doctors).Thanks
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References
- ↑ http://www.psychologytoday.com/articles/201305/how-spot-sociopath
- ↑ http://www.huffingtonpost.com/jennifer-delaney/have-you-ever-been-duped-_b_3618497.html
- ↑ http://www.huffingtonpost.com/jennifer-delaney/have-you-ever-been-duped-_b_3618497.html
- ↑ https://www.sott.net/article/268449-Empathic-people-are-natural-targets-for-sociopaths-protect-yourself
About This Article
Article Summary
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If you've noticed signs that someone is a sociopath, like superficial charm, lack of remorse, egocentricity, and a capacity to lie, then try to handle them like they have a personality disorder to avoid getting pulled into their drama. When interacting with a sociopath, keep your guard up and resist the temptation to try to change them. If possible, keep your distance from the person since sociopaths try to manipulate people into doing what they want. If the person continues to harass you, then consider speaking to a therapist who can give you tools to handle your specific situation. To learn how to show a sociopath that you’re on to them, keep reading!
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