Download Article
Recognizing and identifying self-destructive behaviors
Download Article
Emotional masochism is a subtle psychological condition, and while the signs and causes might not be immediately obvious, they have profound implications for those who suffer from them. We’ll fill you in on the meaning and causes of the condition, signs of emotional masochism to look for in your own behavior, and ways to push past this destructive thought pattern into a healthier, happier way of living.
Things You Should Know
- An emotional masochist is a person who finds themselves in repetitive situations resulting in emotional pain or discomfort.
- This usually occurs because this person is not connected to their own emotional information to an extent that would help them remove themselves from the cycle.
- Emotional masochists often turn down help from other people, deny themselves various forms of pleasure, and tend to stay in unhealthy relationships.
- You might be an emotional masochist if you turn away from healthy relationships, are prone to self-criticism, or often feel guilty for things other people don’t.
Steps
Section 2 of 3:
10 Signs You Might Be an Emotional Masochist
Download Article
-
You often feel guilty or depressed. Feelings of guilt or depression are both a cause and a symptom of a masochistic personality. [4] X Research source You might feel that you don’t deserve to feel good, or that your actions cause undue harm to others, even when that’s not true. This feeling of guilt often causes chronic depression, which is a state that tends to feel comfortable or stable, and so you do little to try to remedy it, even though it causes you pain, and you don’t deserve to feel that way.
- Example: You’re late for a dinner party and decide that your presence there must be a burden since the other guests are waiting to eat, when in reality they don’t mind waiting at all. Nevertheless, you can’t help but feel glum and dejected all through dinner.
-
You reject offers for help. An emotional masochist often intentionally makes things harder for themselves by turning away anyone who wants to lend a hand. [5] X Research source It could be that you don’t want to burden others with your problems, or that you want others to recognize the outsized or unnecessary effort you put into something, perhaps in hopes of praise.
- Example: You’re struggling to move a new chair into your home, but when a neighbor walks by and offers to help you lift it, you turn them down. To you, accepting their help would be an imposition. Or, you take pleasure in having them witness your struggle.
-
You repeatedly enter or stay in abusive or unhealthy relationships. An emotional masochist is often aware that a relationship—whether it’s romantic, platonic, or familial—is unhealthy, but they choose to maintain it anyway. You might convince yourself that you’re the problem, and if you could just get something right, the other person would appreciate you and the relationship would improve. Or, you believe that you somehow deserve the abuse. It may be that staying is easier than ending the relationship , or that the unhealthy environment is comfortable or familiar, perhaps due to an unhealthy upbringing. [6] X Research source
- Example: You know that your long-term romantic relationship isn’t working, and while it causes you great amounts of stress, you’re afraid of ending it. The relationship itself is familiar and predictable, and you’re afraid of the uncertainty of single life.
-
You avoid people who care about you. If you’re an emotional masochist, you might reject people who provide healthy relationships. [7] X Trustworthy Source PubMed Central Journal archive from the U.S. National Institutes of Health Go to source You might feel uncomfortable in a genuinely productive or caring relationship, or you might deny yourself the pleasure of a healthy emotional bond, feeling that you’re undeserving, or that it’s better or easier to suffer unhealthy relationships instead. It’s hard for you to see that other people enjoy your company, and that you are valued.
- Example: You meet someone new at a party and hit it off, but when they invite you to hang out afterward, you turn them down and make no attempt to contact them again, despite your positive experience.
-
You downplay or negate your personal successes. Whenever something positive happens to you, either by chance or through your own hard work, you focus on the negatives of the situation instead of the achievement. [8] X Research source Rather than feel satisfied or accomplished, you convince yourself that the satisfaction is only fleeting, or that you don’t actually deserve good things, often resulting in guilt or depression. But the truth is that you do deserve your success, and you worked hard for it.
- Example: You land a new and exciting job, but tell yourself that you’re underqualified, or that the hiring committee made a mistake and meant to choose someone else.
-
You seek out or even cause drama. Emotional masochists often say things just to a get rise out of other people, or even to cause themselves pain or humiliation when other people react negatively. [9] X Research source It could be that you find excitement in arguments, or that the dynamic of another person berating or humiliating you is familiar holdover from a particular traumatic childhood experience.
- Example: While at dinner with your partner and friends, you say something passive-aggressive or unkind about your partner to purposefully make the vibe at the table uncomfortable, or to make someone scold you for your unkind words.
-
You’re overly self-critical or engage in negative self-talk. For emotional masochists, putting themselves down or criticizing their own actions is a standard way of thinking. [10] X Research source There are many possible causes for this, but it could be that you’re imitating a figure from your childhood, like an abusive parent. Or, you might even enjoy being the object of criticism generally, feeling that you’re a martyr, even when that criticism comes from yourself.
- Example: You accidentally drop and break a glass. Rather than clean up the mess and move on with your day, you scold yourself for being clumsy and thoughtless, and let the incident ruin the rest of your day.
-
You often deny yourself pleasure of any form. This is known as “gratification inhibition,” or when you forego doing things that would make you happy for no good or apparent reason. [11] X Trustworthy Source PubMed Central Journal archive from the U.S. National Institutes of Health Go to source It could be that you feel that you don’t deserve them, or that being unhappy is more comfortable than the vulnerability or excitement that comes with pleasure and happiness. This might also take the form of eating disorders or anorexia, as you deny yourself the “pleasure” of food.
- Example: You have the opportunity to go to a concert for an artist you like—you have enough money for a ticket and your schedule is free—but you decide not to, convincing yourself that it’s a waste of money or that it’s too much effort.
-
You’re vulnerable to criticism, or easily controlled. As an emotional masochist, you might be overly deferential or too easily accept things that others tell you is true. [12] X Research source You internalize criticism, even when it’s overly harsh or outright untrue. You might see it as a way to placate others. Or, your low self-esteem makes it difficult to doubt other people’s negative opinions of you, making you easy to manipulate or frame as a victim.
- Example: A stranger tells you that they don’t think your art is very good, and you decide to agree or believe them, despite other people telling you how skilled you are.
-
You prioritize others, even when it hurts you. Emotional masochists often go out of their way to do things for others while also neglecting their own needs. Doing favors or buying things for others is your way of “buying” their acceptance or admiration, especially when those gifts cause you some amount of suffering. [13] X Research source And when they express their gratitude, you dismiss their thanks or explain that it wasn’t a problem, negating both your effort and their acknowledgement.
- Example: You buy your partner an expensive anniversary gift, and when they’re surprised at the price, you dismiss their concern by explaining that you worked a little extra, or ate less, in order to afford it, and it’s really not a big deal—even though it is.
Advertisement
Expert Q&A
Ask a Question
200 characters left
Include your email address to get a message when this question is answered.
Submit
Advertisement
Tips
Submit a Tip
All tip submissions are carefully reviewed before being published
Name
Please provide your name and last initial
Thanks for submitting a tip for review!
References
- ↑ https://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/psychpedia/masochism
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/freud-fluoxetine/201903/masochistic-personality-disorder-time-include-in-dsm
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/and-running/202102/masochistic-personality-revisited
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/personality-quotient/202006/masochism-explained-the-self-sabotaging-personality
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/freud-fluoxetine/201903/masochistic-personality-disorder-time-include-in-dsm
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/feeling-relating-existing/201502/so-called-masochistic-relationships
- ↑ https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/27248648/
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/freud-fluoxetine/201903/masochistic-personality-disorder-time-include-in-dsm
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/freud-fluoxetine/201903/masochistic-personality-disorder-time-include-in-dsm
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/personality-quotient/202006/masochism-explained-the-self-sabotaging-personality
- ↑ https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/27248648/
- ↑ https://psychotherapy.psychiatryonline.org/doi/epdf/10.1176/appi.psychotherapy.1997.51.4.552
- ↑ https://psychotherapy.psychiatryonline.org/doi/epdf/10.1176/appi.psychotherapy.1997.51.4.552
- ↑ https://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/psychpedia/masochism
- ↑ https://www.mayoclinic.org/healthy-lifestyle/stress-management/in-depth/positive-thinking/art-20043950
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/articles/200403/the-art-the-compliment
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/freud-fluoxetine/201903/masochistic-personality-disorder-time-include-in-dsm
About This Article
Thanks to all authors for creating a page that has been read 24,574 times.
Advertisement
85%
of readers found this article helpful
.
Click a star to add your vote
% of people told us that this article helped them.
