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Bullies are everywhere, and although there is an increasing number of programs and rules in place to prevent bullying, you are likely to run into a bully at some point. While walking away from someone who is bullying you is the best reaction, sometimes it's not possible. If you are in school, maybe you're in a class with a bully, or perhaps there's one on your bus, or in your dorm. If you are at work, maybe the bully is a coworker or your supervisor. Even though it may seem like you are stuck, you still have some options. You can ignore them, distract yourself, or address it directly with the bully. Whichever you choose, make sure you are taking care of yourself and keeping yourself safe.
Steps
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Minimize your reactions. Bullies often feed off how upset or angry they are making their target. The more they feel like they are succeeding and the more reaction they get out of you, the more they will continue. Try to make your reactions as mild as possible. It may be really difficult, especially if what they are saying or doing is hurtful. [1] X Research source [2] X Expert Source Katie Styzek
School Counselor Expert Interview. 28 October 2020.- Before reacting, try slowly counting to 5 in your head.
- Close your eyes and take a few deep breaths, slowly breathing in and then out again.
- Focus as hard as you can on some object nearby. Focus your mind by thinking of as many qualities of the object as you can (size, color, function,etc.).
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Give them the silent treatment. By "silent treatment" we mean ignore their comments. You may suspect they're talking about you to their friends, but try to divert your attention somewhere else. Whatever they are saying is likely untrue and mean. If they are determined to act this way, there is little you are going to be able to say or do to stop them. Being silent is the best way to deal with rude people and you will be healthier for it. [3] X Research source
- Remember that they're not worth it, and your time and energy are valuable.
- When you walk away, the bully doesn't get what they want. [4]
X
Expert Source
Katie Styzek
School Counselor Expert Interview. 28 October 2020.
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Pretend you can't hear them. As difficult as it may be to stop yourself from listening to what they are saying, you can pretend you can't hear them. Just act as if they are not there.
- Try replacing everything they say with the word "blah" or some other word, so that when they are talking all you hear is "Blah blah blah, blah blah, blah."
- Imagine a soundproof wall between you and them. Or a soundproof box around you that keeps all the commentary out.
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Have a friend with you. Generally, bullies prefer people who are on their own, isolated, or presumed weak. [5] X Expert Source Katie Styzek
School Counselor Expert Interview. 28 October 2020. It will be easier to ignore them and easier on you if you have a friend nearby to support you. [6] X Trustworthy Source PubMed Central Journal archive from the U.S. National Institutes of Health Go to source Talk to your friend about it, if it happens regularly, and make a plan together. If it just happens in the moment, quietly say to your friend, "Hey, they're being really mean, can we talk and focus on something else?"
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Concentrate on your work. The bully likely interrupted you doing something like class work, reading, work for your job, or just talking to someone else. Ignore them by focusing back on what you were doing. Concentrate on your classwork, or project, go back to reading your book, or keep talking to your friend.
- Aim for a short period of hard focusing at a time, about 10 minutes. [7] X Research source It's easier to focus in short bursts and by the time you are done the bully likely has moved on.
- Do more difficult tasks first. [8] X Research source These tasks will require more of your attention and focus, drawing your concentration away from the bully.
- Reward yourself for successfully refocusing your attention. [9] X Research source Rewarding yourself now will help train your brain and make it easier to refocus next time.
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Move far away or to a safer area. If you are in a situation like being on a bus, at work, or in a class, you won't have the ability to get very far away from the person, and walking away entirely is not a solid option. Just try and move as far away from the bully as you can. Move to the other side of the classroom, or the other end of the bus, and stay away from them. It will be easier to distract yourself and get back to what you were doing, and if you happen to be closer to an authority figure they may witness and intervene.
- If a bully is physically threatening you, immediately move towards an authority figure. If you are in a classroom move towards the teacher. If you are on a bus move towards the driver. You may be concerned about what the bully will think if you move towards an authority figure, but your safety comes first.
- You can just walk away if you don't feel like saying anything. If you feel like you have to say something, keep it short and simple like "I don't have time for this."
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Listen to music. A great way to drown out the voices of the bullies is to listen to music you like. Carry headphones with you and put them in when the bully is around. This will help you focus on your work and keep you from reacting to whatever they are saying. Create a playlist that is positive and makes you feel good about yourself.
- Music will help calm you from painful or stressful situations. [10] X Trustworthy Source Greater Good Magazine Journal published by UC Berkeley's Greater Good Science Center, which uses scientific research to promote happier living Go to source
- Music helps reduce stress and anxiety. [11] X Trustworthy Source Greater Good Magazine Journal published by UC Berkeley's Greater Good Science Center, which uses scientific research to promote happier living Go to source [12] X Research source
- Music can help aid in better memory. [13] X Trustworthy Source Greater Good Magazine Journal published by UC Berkeley's Greater Good Science Center, which uses scientific research to promote happier living Go to source
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Concentrate on a friend. If you have a friend with you or nearby, enlist their help. Engage them in a conversation or ask them to tell you about their night or their weekend plans. The more distracted you are the less you'll be affected by what the bully is saying and they will lose interest. Talking to a friend will also help with any anxiety you are feeling. [14] X Research source
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Use your phone or computer to check out something fun online. The internet can be a great distraction tool, just be careful not to do this during a class or so much during work that it gets you in trouble. You are just looking for something to distract you from the bully until they lose interest.
- Go to your favorite website.
- Look for something cute or funny.
- Check out online resources for bullying.
- Stop Bullying www.stopbullying.gov
- National Crime Prevention Council www.ncpc.org/topics/bullying
- International Association on Workplace Bullying and Harassment www.iawbh.org
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Ask them directly. You have the right to advocate for yourself and to be clear about what you consider to be an acceptable way to speak to you. [15] X Expert Source Katie Styzek
School Counselor Expert Interview. 28 October 2020. If you can, try this while the person is alone. If they are around their friends or in a group, they are going to be more likely to continue to lash out at you because they think they have to in front of their friends. They may be more likely to be straight with you if they are alone. Try to use a mild tone when asking these questions.- "Why do you keep attacking me?"
- "Are you okay? You've been lashing out at people lately, and usually, people only do that when there is something they are upset about."
- "Why are you trying to hurt people? Does it make you feel better about yourself?"
- "What are you getting out of this?"
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Check your responsibility. Almost all the time people get bullied for reasons that are completely not their fault. If it is a friend or former friend though, you may want to check and make sure you didn't do anything to draw out their attitude towards you. Ask genuinely and gently.
- "Did I do something to you? Is that why you are acting like this towards me?"
- "What have I done to you to deserve you saying that?"
- If they respond with something you did to hurt them, apologize.
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Respond with humor. Respond with something humorous, whether it is sarcastic over-exaggeration or straight humor, it will show them that you do not take them seriously and that you are strong enough to laugh at yourself. [16] X Research source They'll also likely be really surprised and not getting the reaction they want, they might move on.
- "Apparently you are very concerned with my style and appearance. I had no idea you cared so much!"
- Laugh and say "You know, I gotta give it to you, that was a good one."
- Smile and say "I think you can do better than that, what else have you got?"
- Don't join in on the jokes and don't make fun of yourself just to please the bully. But do take the power away from them by showing that they are not getting to you.
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Resist the urge to bully back. You don't want become a bully. The urge to snap back or insult them too is probably going to be high. [17] X Trustworthy Source StopBullying.gov Website run by the U.S. Department of Health and Human Services providing information related to identifying and preventing bullying Go to source Remind yourself that you don't want to be like that person, and responding with an insult towards them would make you just like them. [18] X Research source
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Notify an authority figure. Talk to someone you trust anytime you are bullied. [19] X Expert Source Katie Styzek
School Counselor Expert Interview. 28 October 2020. If the person you trust is not an authority figure just make sure you report it to an authority figure, too. [20] X Trustworthy Source StopBullying.gov Website run by the U.S. Department of Health and Human Services providing information related to identifying and preventing bullying Go to source This is important for your safety and the safety of others that person may be bullying. Additionally, you should talk to someone about what is happening to you. It is brave and courageous to try and find a solution to this problem especially when you are in the middle of it. Talk to:- Your parents.
- The school principal.
- A school counselor or independent therapist.
- A teacher you trust.
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Make a bold move. Bullies tend to target people they think are weak. By making a strong, bold, move the bully will definitely think twice about targeting you. [21] X Trustworthy Source StopBullying.gov Website run by the U.S. Department of Health and Human Services providing information related to identifying and preventing bullying Go to source Research has shown that bullying thrives in social situations where it is "allowed," so change that about your situation. [22] X Research source You'll additionally be helping others who have been bullied or who are too afraid to speak up.
- Start an anti-bullying program or group in your school.
- Support an anti-bullying project or fundraiser.
- Be outspoken about bullying, talk to teachers about anti-bullying policies in your school.
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Remember bullying is not about you. Remind yourself that there is nothing wrong with you, but rather something wrong with the bully and how they feel about themselves. [23] X Research source Usually bullying comes from a place of anger, insecurity or hurt on the part of the person who is bullying. Even though they are saying things about you or doing things to you, it is not really about you. This in no way makes what they are doing okay, but it may help you understand why they are the way they are.
- They may have only ever learned anger as a response to deal with different emotions. [24] X Research source
- Their insecurities may cause them to call attention to the perceived shortcomings of others as to draw the attention away from their inadequacies. [25] X Research source
- The old phrase "misery loves company," if they are hurting they may just want others to hurt too. [26] X Research source
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Recognize the type of bully. Knowing what type of bullying is happening to you, may better help you to determine how to best take care of yourself. [27] X Research source It is recommended that you talk to an authority figure, no matter what.
- Does the bully physically threaten you? If it is someone who physically threatens you, tell an authority figure immediately and develop a plan so you will be safe.
- Are they a name-caller or someone who insults you verbally? Verbal bullying is just as serious and often more common.
- Do they pretend to be your friend only to make fun of you? This type of bullying is known as relational aggression or emotional bullying and can sometimes be the most hurtful because the person is supposed to be your friend.
- Are they someone who bullies you online? Bullying does not only happen at school or work; if they bully you online, they are a cyber-bully.
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Keep control of your anger and other emotions. If you are being bullied, some anger is going to build up and you're going to be upset. You may feel down or sad. Make sure that you are addressing your emotions while you are working through this. [28] X Research source
- Talk to someone about it, maybe call your best friend. Talk to them about everything that's going on and how you are feeling.
- Journal about what you are going through. You can even say all of the things you wish you could say to the bully in a letter and then tear it up.
- If you are really struggling, speak to a professional about it.
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Develop an understanding of your self worth. [29] X Research source Do some self-esteem or self-image work, and have confidence in how awesome you are. Write a list of qualities you like about yourself. Focus on how strong you are and how much courage it takes to rise above situations like this.
- Use your self-worth to set up boundaries and enforce them with others. "It is not okay for you to comment on my weight, my body, what I eat, or what I do with my life."
- Communicate your discomfort. Even a simple "wow" can communicate to the bully that their comment was over the line and unacceptable.
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Make your safety and happiness the number one priority.
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Tips from our Readers
The advice in this section is based on the lived experiences of wikiHow readers like you. If you have a helpful tip you’d like to share on wikiHow, please submit it in the field below.
- Bullies often target others from their own insecurities and to get attention, not because there is anything wrong with you. Stay confident in your self-worth and keep focused on your future goals rather than their actions. Their words say more about them than you.
- When bullied, notify a trustworthy authority figure like a teacher or parent. Speaking up stops the bullying from continuing and helps others being targeted. So don't worry about "snitching." Your safety and rights come first.
- Shake off hurtful remarks by literally shaking your body and repeating "I'm awesome!" or "I don't care what they say." Then redirect your thoughts to positive things that matter. Don't let their negativity control you.
- If still repeatedly bothered by a bully, calmly but firmly state "Your words don't affect me" and walk away. Show them their efforts are futile and that you won't engage. They want a reaction. Don't give them one.
- If comfortable doing so, gently tell the bully their words/actions are hurtful and you'd like them to stop. They may not realize the harm they're causing. Offer them that chance. If no change, still report them.
- Take pride in the fact that bullies have to waste their time trying to provoke you because you threaten their insecurities in some way. You're likely stronger than they feel. Pity them.
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References
- ↑ http://www.elephantjournal.com/2015/10/when-were-triggered-how-to-stop-reacting-defensively/
- ↑ Katie Styzek. School Counselor. Expert Interview. 28 October 2020.
- ↑ http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2282089/Silent-treatment-best-way-deal-rude-people-according-new-study.html
- ↑ Katie Styzek. School Counselor. Expert Interview. 28 October 2020.
- ↑ Katie Styzek. School Counselor. Expert Interview. 28 October 2020.
- ↑ http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/22464910
- ↑ https://www.entrepreneur.com/article/225321
- ↑ https://www.entrepreneur.com/article/225321
- ↑ http://examinedexistence.com/training-the-brain-how-to-focus-better-and-avoid-distractions/
- ↑ http://greatergood.berkeley.edu/article/item/five_ways_music_can_make_you_healthier
- ↑ http://greatergood.berkeley.edu/article/item/five_ways_music_can_make_you_healthier
- ↑ http://www.calmclinic.com/anxiety/stop-anxiety-quickly
- ↑ http://greatergood.berkeley.edu/article/item/five_ways_music_can_make_you_healthier
- ↑ http://www.calmclinic.com/anxiety/stop-anxiety-quickly
- ↑ Katie Styzek. School Counselor. Expert Interview. 28 October 2020.
- ↑ http://www.amanet.org/training/articles/How-to-Have-the-Last-Laugh-When-Dealing-with-Lifes-Bullies.aspx
- ↑ http://www.stopbullying.gov/respond/support-kids-involved/
- ↑ https://www.themuse.com/advice/smart-ways-to-deal-when-your-boss-is-a-bully
- ↑ Katie Styzek. School Counselor. Expert Interview. 28 October 2020.
- ↑ http://www.stopbullying.gov/what-you-can-do/teens/index.html
- ↑ http://www.stopbullying.gov/what-you-can-do/teens/index.html
- ↑ http://www.livescience.com/11163-bullies-bullying.html
- ↑ http://www.livescience.com/11163-bullies-bullying.html
- ↑ http://www.bullyingstatistics.org/content/why-do-people-bully.html
- ↑ http://www.livescience.com/11163-bullies-bullying.html
- ↑ http://womanitely.com/reasons-ignore-peoples-comments/
- ↑ https://www.themuse.com/advice/smart-ways-to-deal-when-your-boss-is-a-bully
- ↑ http://www.elephantjournal.com/2015/10/when-were-triggered-how-to-stop-reacting-defensively/
- ↑ http://womanitely.com/reasons-ignore-peoples-comments/
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