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Getting over a fight is hard, but these expert tips can help
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This article was co-authored by John Keegan
and by wikiHow staff writer, Jennifer Mueller, JD
. John Keegan is a Dating Coach and motivational speaker based in New York City. With over 10 years of professional experience, he runs The Awakened Lifestyle, where he uses his expertise in dating, attraction, and social dynamics to help people find love. He teaches and holds dating workshops internationally, from Los Angeles to London and from Rio de Janeiro to Prague. His work has been featured in the New York Times, Humans of New York, and Men's Health.
There are 15 references
cited in this article, which can be found at the bottom of the page.
This article has been fact-checked, ensuring the accuracy of any cited facts and confirming the authority of its sources.
This article has been viewed 1,644,078 times.
It's totally normal to have disagreements with your partner. No matter how much you love each other, you're not going to agree on everything all the time. But how do you make up afterward? We talked to psychology and communications experts to find out the best things to do to make up with your partner after a fight, get your love back, and start to rebuild your relationship.
Becoming Romantic After a Fight
If you're feeling disconnected from your partner after a fight, a romantic gesture might be just the thing to break the ice between you. Show your partner that you care with compliments and physical affection. Plan a fun date to help rebuild your platonic connection as well.
Steps
Section 1 of 3:
Ending the Fight
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1Make a mutual agreement to end the fight. Come together with your partner and agree to stop the argument in its tracks. Holding a grudge or letting the argument spill over into the next day will only make the situation worse. Instead, come to an agreement to start the process of making up and looking for solutions so you can both begin to heal. [1] X Research source
- Communications coach Maureen Taylor notes that "if you're not going to get anywhere, put it over to the side, do the other things you have to do and then come back to it."
- Taylor recommends saying something like, "You surprised me with that. I'm going to have to think about that... and I'll get back to you."
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2Acknowledge your role in the argument. No matter what the fight was about, it takes two to tango. Be humble and admit where you went wrong. Focus on your behavior only, not anything your partner might have said or done. [2] X Research source
- For example, if you snapped at your partner and talked over them without listening to them, you might say, "I made assumptions and jumped to conclusions without listening to you and that was wrong of me. I'm sorry."
- Licensed clinical psychologist Gera Anderson advises you to "acknowledge their feelings and any actions on your part that may have led to those feelings."
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3Take steps to calm down if necessary. If you're still feeling angry and wound up, that's okay. These emotions can take time to resolve. But you're not going to be ready to make up if you're still boiling under the surface. You might try deep breathing exercises or journaling to calm yourself and get your feelings under control. [3] X Research source
- Journaling can also help you discover the real reason behind the fight or why you were so upset. For example, if you got upset because your partner didn't call you, you might figure out that the real issue was that you were feeling neglected.
- Different people need different lengths of time to calm down, and that's okay! If your partner is ready to talk and you're not, just say something like, "I'm not ignoring you. I just need more time to calm down because I'm still upset. We'll talk soon."
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4Prioritize the relationship over your personal feelings. In your relationship, you have yourself, your partner, and a third entity—the relationship itself. To end the fight, recognize that the relationship is more important than the individual feelings of you or your partner. This isn't about one of you being right and the other being wrong—it's about what the two of you can do together to safeguard your relationship. Remember that you're both on the same team and work together to find a solution. [4] X Research source
- Dating coach John Keegan emphasizes that "Step 1 is give up your need to be right. Let it go completely. Because even though you know in your heart [that] you're 100% right, you're not."
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5Apologize for anything you did wrong. Show your partner that you understand what you did and how it affected them. When you acknowledge their feelings, it shows empathy. Offer a genuine apology along with how you'll keep it from happening again in the future. [5] X Research source
- For example, you might say, "I'm sorry I yelled at you. That was very unkind, and I know you felt disrespected. If I start feeling heated again, I'll ask for a time-out rather than taking it out on you."
- Anderson cautions, "If you regret your actions, apologize for your actions. If you do not regret your actions, apologize that your actions made [your partner] feel that way, for that was not your intent."
- Keegan recommends that you go back to your partner and "say, 'I just wanted you to let you know I care about you. I feel really bad about the things I said about you in the moment. I didn't mean them. I shouldn't have said them. And I hope you can forgive me.'"
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6Forgive your partner for whatever they did wrong. Forgiveness is a process—it might not happen all at once. But it starts with telling your partner that you forgive them and meaning what you say. Put the argument and whatever happened during it in the past. Ending an argument means not holding a grudge or bringing the issue back up again if your partner does something different that bugs you. [6] X Research source
- Forgiveness doesn't mean that you're going to forget what happened, or that what your partner did doesn't matter. It's a way to release your negative emotions and choose a new beginning.
- It's important that your partner is willing to forgive you, too. Anderson advises that you listen carefully to your partner, accept responsibility, then tell your partner "how your actions will change should the situation arise in the future."
- If that doesn't convince your partner to forgive you, Anderson adds that "if [they] have any moral or religious beliefs, you may appeal to its teachings around forgiveness."
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Section 2 of 3:
Reconciling with Your Partner
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1Spend some time apart from each other if you need it. If it was a particularly bad fight, some time apart can help the two of you clear your heads and start to remember all the things you love about your partner. Set a date to come back together and talk once you've had some time apart. [7] X Research source
- For example, if you live together, you might go visit family or friends for a weekend, then sit down and talk when you come back Sunday afternoon.
- Time apart also allows you to reflect and better understand what the argument was really about. Licensed professional counselor Tara Vossenkemper emphasizes that arguments are usually "less about the thing that people are talking about and more about their inability to effectively and healthily say things in the way in which it's most likely to be received accurately."
- "Some fights are about much [more] deep-seated topics," Vossenkemper continues. "So, if maybe we're fighting about a budget but the reality is what budget means to me is safety and peace and stability."
EXPERT TIPRelationships CoachJohn Keegan is a Dating Coach and motivational speaker based in New York City. With over 10 years of professional experience, he runs The Awakened Lifestyle, where he uses his expertise in dating, attraction, and social dynamics to help people find love. He teaches and holds dating workshops internationally, from Los Angeles to London and from Rio de Janeiro to Prague. His work has been featured in the New York Times, Humans of New York, and Men's Health.Sometimes it's best to take a step back. After the heat of the moment passes, have a calm and respectful conversation. Focus on finding solutions together that foster a healthier dynamic moving forward.
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2Set boundaries for your discussion with your partner. It can be tricky to start a conversation about the same thing you fought about without getting into it again. By establishing boundaries and ground rules, you'll find it easier to have a rational, positive discussion without hurting each other. [8] X Research source
- For example, you might agree that neither of you will raise your voice or call each other names. If things start to get heated again, take a break and try again later.
- Vossenkemper notes that "healthy boundaries are about knowing our needs, effectively communicating them, and attempting to respect our partner's needs, so knowing their needs and also attempting to respect them."
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3Listen to your partner openly and actively. While your partner is discussing their thoughts and feelings, listen intently without interrupting or talking over them. This isn't about being right or proving them wrong. Keegan emphasizes that arguments often start because one (or both) of you didn't feel heard or understood, so now "you're going to let [them] feel heard and understood."
- "And when [they] bring up things that you feel aren't honest and true," Keegan continues, "you're going to let it go" and prioritize the connection over your need to be right.
- After they've finished, repeat back to them a paraphrase in your own words of what you heard them say. That makes it easier for them to clear up any misunderstandings. Focus on perfecting your understanding of their point, not whether you agree with it.
- For example, you might say, "I hear you saying that you'd like for me to communicate my feelings to you more clearly." Even if you think that you communicate your feelings perfectly clearly, what's important here is that your partner doesn't feel the same way.
- Vossenkemper encourages you to frame this as "When I did this, this is what came up for my partner."
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4Offer emotional support and validation to your partner. If your partner feels heard, the two of you can find understanding and closeness. The process starts with acknowledging how they feel without judging or dismissing their feelings. Let them know that they have the right to feel the way they do. [9] X Research source
- The big thing here is to not worry about your intentions—all that matters here is how whatever you said or did made your partner feel. This helps you "have a more in-depth intimate understanding of the other person," according to Vossenkemper.
- This can be tough because you likely never intended to hurt or upset your partner. While it can be hard to hear that you did, this helps the two of you learn how to avoid hurting each other in the future.
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5Use "I" statements to talk about your own thoughts and feelings. Using "I" statements takes the focus off of what your partner might have said or done. Instead, you're focusing on how you felt so they don't feel attacked or like you're blaming them for the argument. You're also telling your partner what you know, rather than making assumptions about what they did or why they did it. [10] X Research source
- For example, you might say, "I felt hurt and excluded that you made dinner for your friend but not for me. I wanted to feel included."
- When you use "I" statements , it's a lot less likely that your partner will dig in and refuse to listen to you or get defensive because of something you've said. You can focus on the feelings so it's easier to come to a resolution.
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6Find common ground that you can build off of. After you've both had the opportunity to share your thoughts and feelings, start with what the two of you agree on and go from there. If you're struggling to find something you both agree on in this particular argument, just remember that you both love each other. That can be your common ground to start from, if you have nothing else. [11] X Research source
- Taylor emphasizes that "the most important thing is that you share values so that you're on the same side of either light or dark or medium or whatever it is."
- No matter what, Taylor continues, if you have the same values and you can depend on each other, "that counts more than anything."
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Section 3 of 3:
Rebuilding Your Relationship
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1Follow through with any feedback from your partner. Following through with what your partner has asked of you communicates to them that you listened to them and that you are committed to bettering your relationship. Recognize that nobody's perfect—everybody has room for improvement. When you start making positive changes, they'll see how important the relationship is to you. [12] X Research source
- For example, if your partner asks you to do more of the housework, make a list of chores you can do every day and do them without being asked. They'll see that you're making an effort if you anticipate what needs to be done and do it.
- If their feedback feels overwhelming or controlling, say something about it. For example, you might say, "I want to do more housework, but this new project at work has me working 10-hour days. Could you help me identify some chores I can pick up that won't eat into my downtime too much?"
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2Compliment and flirt with your partner as soon as possible. There's nothing like a little joy and lightheartedness to thaw the freeze after a fight. When you create genuine positive feelings between the two of you, you'll feel more connected. A heartfelt compliment about something that's really meaningful to them is a great place to start. [13] X Research source
- For example, you might bring up something they said afterward that touched your heart and tell them it reminded you of why you fell in love with them.
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3Share physical affection with your partner. Physical affection fosters feelings of connection with you and your partner by stimulating those feel-good hormones that help you love and feel loved. It can feel so wonderful after a fight, especially if you're feeling distanced from your partner. [14] X Research source
- For example, you might reach out and hold your partner's hand across the table as the two of you talk. This reinforces the loving connection that the two of you have and draws you closer together.
- Physical affection can also lower stress levels, which are likely pretty high in the aftermath of an argument. It does this by activating the parasympathetic nervous system, which calms you down by signaling that the threat is over and you're safe now.
- Keegan notes that watching a movie together can be a great way to re-introduce physical affection because "it would be natural and normal to want to hold hands or to whisper in their ear or even lean in and kiss [them] on the forehead."
- "Things like that," Keegan continues, allow for "signs of affection throughout the evening."
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4Plan a fun date to reconnect. Look for something you both enjoy that allows you to rediscover each other both as friends and as romantic partners. Learning something new together or trying a new activity is a great way for the two of you to start anew as well. [15] X Trustworthy Source PubMed Central Journal archive from the U.S. National Institutes of Health Go to source
- For example, you might take a hike together or go to a local museum that you've never been to before.
- You might also try taking a painting or pottery class together or trying a new sport, such as pickleball.
- Don't neglect the friendship aspect! As Vossenkemper emphasizes, "it is so important to genuinely be friends with your partner."
- Keegan points out that there are ways to liven up even the most traditional date night activity, going to a movie: "Picking up the snacks and smuggling them in is more fun than buying them there."
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5Make a grand romantic gesture. If you're the type to sweep your partner off of their feet, there's no better time to do it than after an argument. When you're feeling so disconnected, a grand gesture reminds you both that you're in love with each other. [16] X Research source
- A public grand gesture, such as serenading your partner at a local café, also shows your partner that you're proud to be with them and want to share your love with the world.
- A word of caution, though—don't use a romantic gesture to take the place of a heartfelt apology or a constructive solution to whatever caused the fight. Both of those are important in a healthy relationship.
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6Work with a couples counselor. A couples counselor can help the two of you deal with any underlying issues that might've caused your fight. They'll give you tools and resources to help the two of you communicate more effectively and repair your positive feelings for each other. [17] X Research source
- Keegan notes that this is especially important if you're "arguing a lot... because every argument that you have is a chink in the relationship and enough chinks will end it. So you really need to change the way you're communicating with [each other]."
- Vossenkemper advises that you go into couples counseling with "the mindset that your therapist is on your side" and understand "that you might have to feel uncomfortable in session."
- Not sure where to start? If you know a friend who's gone to couples counseling, you might ask for a recommendation. You could also search and read reviews online to connect with someone local.
- If you feel like you can't afford therapy, Anderson notes that there are practices with sliding fee scales. She also mentions that you might "barter with a therapist and trade services, get self-help books or apps, or find a support group, which is usually free."
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7Recognize and accept how your relationship has changed. Often, a major fight changes your relationship in ways you might not have anticipated. Just keep in mind that it's totally normal to get past the honeymoon phase of a relationship and start noticing your partner's flaws and differences. But ultimately, your connection is deeper and stronger as a result. [18] X Research source
- For example, you might find that you now see your partner in a different light, or feel as though the fight introduced a new dynamic into the relationship that you hadn't been aware of before.
- Because you have a better understanding of your partner and they have a better understanding of you, it will be easier to navigate similar conflicts in the future.
- Try to be flexible and work to adapt to these changes and make them work for both you and your partner. A couples counselor can help with this as well.
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References
- ↑ https://www.gottman.com/blog/manage-conflict-the-aftermath-of-a-fight/
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/rediscovering-love/201412/i-didn-t-mean-hurt-you-0
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/fixing-families/201806/after-an-argument-the-right-way-to-make-up
- ↑ https://www.gottman.com/blog/manage-conflict-the-aftermath-of-a-fight/
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-squeaky-wheel/201311/the-five-ingredients-effective-apology
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/do-the-right-thing/201403/7-rules-forgiveness
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/fixing-families/201806/after-an-argument-the-right-way-to-make-up
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/inside-out/201308/do-you-and-your-partner-fight-fair
- ↑ https://blog.smilingmind.com.au/the-art-of-emotional-validation
- ↑ https://www.relationshipsnsw.org.au/blog/i-statements-vs-you-statements/
- ↑ https://www.gottman.com/blog/manage-conflict-repair-and-de-escalate/
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/articles/201103/how-take-feedback
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/divorce-grownups/200912/marriage-and-paying-attention
- ↑ https://www.gottman.com/blog/after-the-argument-how-to-begin-again/
- ↑ https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/10707334/
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/wild-connections/201503/why-we-need-make-romantic-gestures
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/intl/blog/life-after-50/202204/making-up-after-an-argument
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/fixing-families/201806/after-an-argument-the-right-way-to-make-up
About This Article
This article was co-authored by John Keegan
and by wikiHow staff writer, Jennifer Mueller, JD
. John Keegan is a Dating Coach and motivational speaker based in New York City. With over 10 years of professional experience, he runs The Awakened Lifestyle, where he uses his expertise in dating, attraction, and social dynamics to help people find love. He teaches and holds dating workshops internationally, from Los Angeles to London and from Rio de Janeiro to Prague. His work has been featured in the New York Times, Humans of New York, and Men's Health. This article has been viewed 1,644,078 times.
How helpful is this?
Co-authors: 87
Updated: October 23, 2024
Views: 1,644,078
Thanks to all authors for creating a page that has been read 1,644,078 times.
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Anita Inyangudo
Mar 8, 2016
"I might not have completely cooled off but I did something different by texting him how I feel and trying to reach out when my previous intention was to ignore him 1/3 of the week. I have learned to be more considerate, thanks a lot." ..." more
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Co-authors: 87
Updated: October 23, 2024
Views: 1,644,078
Anita Inyangudo
Mar 8, 2016
"I might not have completely cooled off but I did something different by texting him how I feel and trying to reach out when my previous intention was to ignore him 1/3 of the week. I have learned to be more considerate, thanks a lot."
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Hawii Y'srael
Jan 19, 2017
"Positive way of listening, and not talking over one another. Talk to my partner about how I feel about what he did, not blow my top, and remain humble are good tips."
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Patricia Simon
Feb 12, 2019
"It helped me to come down and relax myself before judging him, so next time I will not lose my temper for something when I haven't any proof."
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Cyril S.
Jul 23, 2016
"Good one. A few of them are close to practical. Rest seems to be theory. Now what are they is individual preferences."
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Anonymous
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"Keeping a relationship healthy requires a toolbox of various skills. I appreciate learning new ones."
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