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Learn to stop craving men's attention and focus on yourself
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Sometimes it seems like men run the world. The reason for that has to do with 2 little words: male validation. We look for it everywhere, every day. But should we? Is it healthy? And what is male validation, exactly? We’ll give you a quick explainer, point out some ways you might look for male validation and why, show you how male validation holds you back, and give you some ways to resist the urge to seek it out. You deserve to live your life the way you want without worrying about what a man thinks!
Things You Should Know
- Male validation refers to any sort of approval from a man, which many people go out of their way to obtain, even when it hurts their self-esteem.
- We often seek male validation in order to feel better about ourselves or to secure our place in a social hierarchy, such as at work or within a friend group.
- Resist the desire for male validation by bolstering your own self-esteem. Make a list of things you like about yourself and go after your dreams and goals.
Steps
Section 4 of 4:
How do I stop seeking male validation?
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Recognize why you want male validation. The first step to resisting male validation is identifying why you seek it in the first place. [11] X Research source For some, it’s because compliments from men make them feel attractive. [12] X Research source Others might feel insecure if they’re not in a relationship, or feel a need to coddle their male coworkers in order to rise the professional ranks. Anytime you want something from a man or alter your behavior because of one, ask yourself if you’re doing that just to please him.
- Not everything traces back to male validation, though! You might want a boyfriend just because you’d like to spend time with someone. Or you might dress well because you like the way you look in the mirror. Pinpointing your own wants helps you differentiate the healthy desires from the not-so-healthy.
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Talk to other people about your want for validation. Everyone feels pressure to seek male validation, even if they don’t recognize it. Speak with a close friend or even talk to a therapist to get an outside perspective. Talk to women and LGBT people especially to find a community to share your perspective with. Sharing your experience with like-minded people helps you better understand how the need for male validation pervades yours and others’ lives. [13] X Research source
- Search the internet to find a support group near you, or even start a support group yourself . Chances are, there are already folks discussing your concerns!
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Get comfortable with being “unlikable.” You’ve heard it plenty of times about other women: she’s loud, or a prude, or promiscuous, or bossy. Often, these are insults aimed at women who don’t adhere to men’s perceptions of how women, and others, should act. The reality is that you have to be okay with being the squeaky wheel if you want to escape the need for male approval. [14] X Research source
- Rather than be ashamed of these qualities, remind yourself that you’re living in a way that makes you happy, not just one that makes other people happy.
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Make a list of your own achievements to boost your confidence . If you find that you tie male validation to your self-worth, untangle your own value from what men tell you makes you valuable. Write down your accomplishments, or just anything you’ve done that makes you proud of yourself. Any time you’re feeling less-than-enough, read through that list to remind yourself of what you’re capable of. [15] X Research source
- For example, you might include going to school, being financially independent, or creating works of art—all things that you did yourself, without the need for a man.
- Also make a list of things you dislike about yourself. Go through the list and ask yourself: Do I not like this part of me because someone else says I shouldn’t?
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Practice positive self-talk to improve your self-esteem . Anytime you catch yourself thinking or saying self-deprecating things, stop and ask yourself if that’s something you’d say out loud to or about another person. [16] X Trustworthy Source Mayo Clinic Educational website from one of the world's leading hospitals Go to source Then, replace it with something you admire about yourself.
- For example, if you feel you aren’t “pretty” enough for a certain man, tell yourself, “It doesn’t matter what he thinks. What matters is that I like how I look.”
- In addition, thinking about things you’re thankful for in your own life helps you shift your focus outside yourself and take your mind off your own perceived shortcomings.
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Resist comparing yourself to others. Overcome comparison by reminding yourself that how other people appear doesn’t reflect how they actually are or feel, and that includes you. [17] X Research source Ask yourself if your comparisons are superficial or are about things like looks or money, which are often out of your control.
- If you’re envious of someone else’s skills or personality, don’t dwell on your shortcomings, but use that envy as motivation to develop your own skills. It’s not that you hate another woman’s success, just that you want to be as successful!
- In addition, find positive role models in your life, whether they’re close friends or public figures, to serve as productive standards of comparison. Strive to emulate the traits you like most about those role models.
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Set life goals to focus on, like career advancement or passion projects. Distract yourself from the need for male validation by pursuing your own dreams, for your own sake. [18] X Research source Go back to school, even if it means spending less time dating. Jump back into the job search if your current workplace stifles you with men’s expectations. Whatever you do, do it for yourself.
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Learn to enjoy the single life. If your need for self-validation manifests as a need to be in a relationship, focus on being content in your own company. [19] X Research source Find joy in single life by focusing on your hobbies, spending time with your friends and family, and treating yourself to some luxuries now and then, like a massage or an indulgent purchase. Prioritizing your own happiness diminishes your want for male validation.
- Take a break from dating apps for a couple of months. Dating apps especially amplify your desire to please men in the way you curate your profile for the sake of male approval.
- Reader Poll: We asked 663 wikiHow readers, and 58% agreed that the best way to prioritize self-care is to get regular exercise and physical activity . [Take Poll]
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References
- ↑ https://www.thewoodwardpost.com/2020-december/2020/11/the-obstacle-of-male-validation-byz9d
- ↑ https://www.thewoodwardpost.com/2020-december/2020/11/the-obstacle-of-male-validation-byz9d
- ↑ https://www.thecut.com/2021/08/hola-papi-hooked-on-male-validation.html
- ↑ https://www.thecut.com/2021/08/hola-papi-hooked-on-male-validation.html
- ↑ https://goaskalice.columbia.edu/answered-questions/dont-want-relationship/
- ↑ https://www.pewresearch.org/short-reads/2018/03/07/women-in-majority-male-workplaces-report-higher-rates-of-gender-discrimination/
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/prescriptions-life/201803/how-stop-comparing-yourself-others
- ↑ https://psychcentral.com/blog/psychology-self/2017/08/validation-self-esteem#1
- ↑ https://www.shethepeople.tv/top-stories/opinion/seeking-validation-from-men/
- ↑ https://www.afterglowatx.com/blog/2022/11/17/how-mitski-captures-the-struggle-of-finding-an-identity-outside-of-male-validation
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/basics/emotional-validation
- ↑ https://www.thewoodwardpost.com/2020-december/2020/11/the-obstacle-of-male-validation-byz9d
- ↑ https://www.shethepeople.tv/top-stories/opinion/seeking-validation-from-men/
- ↑ https://www.shethepeople.tv/top-stories/opinion/seeking-validation-from-men/
- ↑ https://www.shethepeople.tv/top-stories/opinion/seeking-validation-from-men/
- ↑ https://www.mayoclinic.org/healthy-lifestyle/stress-management/in-depth/positive-thinking/art-20043950
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/prescriptions-life/201803/how-stop-comparing-yourself-others
- ↑ https://www.shethepeople.tv/top-stories/opinion/seeking-validation-from-men/
- ↑ https://badgerherald.com/banter/2021/12/09/hello-winter-goodbye-need-for-male-validation/
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