How to Stop Being Codependent in Your Relationship

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7 ways to be less codependent to maintain a balanced relationship
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Navigating a codependent relationship can be an emotionally draining experience. You want to break free of the exhausting codependence of your relationship, but you aren't quite sure how to set those boundaries for yourself, or what they'd even look like in the first place. Don't worry—you're not alone. We're here to walk you through expert-backed solutions to help you overcome your codependency, so you can enjoy a healthy relationship and live the autonomous life you deserve.

This article is based on an interview with our licensed clinical psychologist, Elizabeth Weiss. Check out the full interview here.

Things You Should Know

  • Most codependents lose their identity because they’re too busy taking care of others. They often engage in people-pleasing behavior because they're afraid of being abandoned.
  • Meeting with a therapist can be a helpful way to identify the root of any codependent behavior.
  • To overcome codependency, identify what makes you feel stressed and set boundaries to protect your well-being.
  • Learn a new skill or pursue a childhood interest in order to form an identity outside your relationship.
Section 1 of 4:

How to Stop Being Codependent

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  1. Think of boundaries as the limits you place around your physical, emotional, and mental health, alleviating the pressure to commit to something (or someone). To help you break free from your people-pleasing tendencies, identify what makes you feel stressed or drained, and then clearly communicate these boundaries to your partner.
    • It can be difficult to state your boundaries at first, and it’s perfectly normal and valid to experience guilt when you decline to help someone. With practice, it becomes easier, but it could be worth seeing a therapist if you’re struggling to move past the first step of saying “No.”
    • You can establish boundaries around your body, time, energy, and personal possessions. Don’t be afraid to set limits specific to your well-being—the more precise your boundaries are, the better.
    • Remember that you don’t need to provide an apology or explanation for saying “No.” Someone who truly cares about you will respect your boundaries, even if they don’t fully understand or agree with them.
    • Reader Poll: We asked 796 wikiHow readers who've struggled to find independence in their relationship, and 61% of them agreed the biggest hurdle was meeting their own emotional needs. [Take Poll]
  2. Your thoughts can manifest into reality, so improve your self esteem with positive affirmations . Loving self-talk helps you understand that your self-worth isn’t linked to making your partner happy, helping you heal from a codependent relationship. Once you believe that you are worthy of love, you’ll be able to overcome your people-pleasing tendencies and foster a deeper connection with your partner. [1]
    • Remind yourself of your positive traits daily, and don’t feel weird or awkward hyping yourself up. If you feel attractive in the morning, give yourself a compliment.
    • You may find it helpful to verbally state manifestations. For example, you could say, “I am strong, powerful, and confident” or “I am enough, and I am worthy of love.”
    • If you’re bombarded with doubts, get rid of negative thoughts by writing down your insecurities on a piece of paper. Then, rip up the paper to physically and mentally discard them. [2]
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  3. Mindfulness is all about being present and observant of the world around you without interacting with it, which can help translate into healthier habits in your current relationship. [3] With this in mind, take a few minutes out of your day to do a mindfulness exercise, like:
    • Writing down observations about what's happening around you
    • Using multiple senses during an activity (like smelling the air and listening to the birds when you go outside)
    • Paying close attention to the way your breath moves through your body [4]
  4. Unlike codependent relationships, both partners support each other in healthy relationships. This dynamic isn’t possible unless you take time off for yourself, so it's important to remind yourself that self-care isn’t selfish. By meeting your needs first, you’ll be more present with your partner, making your relationship more balanced in the process.
    • Don’t be afraid to take a break from your partner—let them know you prefer spending time alone during a certain time frame, or dedicate one day out of the week to yourself.
    • If you’re not used to taking time off, schedule it into your calendar. Try to do one thing for yourself every day, even if you don’t have much time. For example, you can try waking up 10-15 minutes earlier to journal, or you can wind down with a relaxing cup of tea. [5]
  5. Give yourself the opportunity to explore hobbies and activities that you've never felt free to explore with your partner. Spending some quality time with yourself is an excellent way to better understand your own thoughts and feelings, as well as practice some self-reflection . [6]
    • Think about all the different activities that caught your eye in the past, like rock climbing, painting classes, or piano lessons. Give yourself permission to embark on a personal quest that doesn't involve your partner whatsoever!
    • Remember that you don’t have to be “good” at an activity to continue doing it—the purpose is to enjoy it.
    • In healthy relationships, both people still maintain their individual interests, needs, and selves. Invest in things you love, and you’ll feel more satisfied—and by doing that, you’ll naturally be mending your codependent relationship, too [7]
  6. Attachment styles define the way you approach relationships based on the relationship you had with your parents during childhood. [8] Identifying your attachment style can help you better understand where the source of your codependency comes from—for instance, both anxious and avoidant attachment styles are both linked with codependency. [9] Here's a brief rundown of the 4 attachment styles:
    • Secure: You had a secure bond with your parents as a child and feel comfortable forming healthy relationships.
    • Avoidant: Your parents may not have connected and engaged with you a lot, which leads to your current relationship lacking in emotional intimacy.
    • Anxious: Your parents may not have cared for you in a consistent way, which leads to you needing a lot of reassurance in your current relationship.
    • Disorganized: You may have experienced something traumatic in your childhood related to your parents, and you often behave in an unpredictable way in your current relationship. [10]
  7. When you're trapped in a codependent relationship, it can be tempting to "change" or "mold" your partner into an idealized vision you have of them. [11] Take time to remind yourself that you can't control or change anyone's behavior except your own—and that's okay!
  8. Unlike most couples depicted in film and TV, devoting your entire life to someone else isn’t healthy or realistic. Seeing an idealized relationship on-screen can skew your idea of a healthy relationship, setting unrealistic expectations (for either partner). When you watch a show, take a moment to call out codependent behavior when you see it. By pointing out these tendencies, you and your partner can work together to maintain a healthier dynamic. [12]
    • Remind yourself that what you see isn’t necessarily “relationship goals,” despite what other people may say on social media.
  9. If you suspect that you're codependent, reach out to a mental health professional to take a closer look at the root of your behavior. They can help you navigate towards a healthier, more balanced relationship. While reaching out for support can be a little scary at first, it's nothing to be afraid or ashamed of. In fact, working with a therapist can help ensure your codependency doesn't worsen over time. [13]
    • If therapy isn’t available or affordable to you, try Co-dependents Anonymous—it’s a peer-led recovery program that helps you develop healthy, balanced relationships. They host meetings online and in person, and their membership is completely free. [14]
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Section 2 of 4:

What is codependency?

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  1. A codependent partner feels that the best way to express love and care is to prioritize their partner before anyone else, including themselves. While this dynamic can feel mutually beneficial at first, a codependent person may develop resentful feelings towards their partner because their own needs aren’t being met. Since both partners aren’t putting in the same amount of effort, the relationship becomes one-sided, and the codependent partner may struggle to set boundaries.
    • Codependency often stems from childhood. If a person's parents weren't emotionally available or didn’t meet their needs growing up, they may develop codependent behavior as a survival skill to receive attention or love.
    • Analyze the costs and benefits of your relationship to determine if it’s the best choice for you and your emotional well-being. While some partners are receptive to new boundaries, others may cross them repeatedly. If so, talk to a close friend or family member to establish an exit plan and leave your partner.
Section 3 of 4:

Signs You’re Codependent

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  1. Codependent people often tie their self-worth to helping others, so they don’t have a great understanding of who they are individually. If you aren’t sure whether you’re codependent or not, here are some of the most common traits: [15] :
    • You feel an exaggerated sense of responsibility for others.
    • You have an extreme need for recognition and approval.
    • You have a fear of being alone or abandoned.
    • You have difficulty identifying your feelings.
    • You don’t respond to change well.
    • You have problems setting boundaries.
    • You have difficulty making decisions.
    • You feel a sense of guilt when you assert yourself.
    • You idealize your partner. [16]
    • You take on too much responsibility.
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Section 4 of 4:

Signs You’re In a Codependent Relationship

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  1. One partner is giving more of their time, energy, and effort into the relationship, while the other partner consciously (or unconsciously) takes advantage of the situation. Since romantic relationships are symbiotic by nature, it can be difficult to identify when codependency takes place, but here are some common behaviors that signal you’re a codependent partner [17]
    • You feel like you need to protect or “save” your partner.
    • You want to change or “fix” your partner.
    • You find it hard to stay motivated by daily activities when your partner isn’t around.
    • You can’t describe how you feel about your relationship.
    • You feel anxious when your partner doesn’t reply to you.
    • You don’t like being alone.
    • You cancel plans with your friends to spend more time with your partner.
    • Your space doesn’t feel like a home without your partner.
    • You feel guilty after addressing an issue with your partner.
    • You hesitate to speak out or stand up for yourself because you’re afraid of the outcome.
    • Your partner doesn’t respect or honor your boundaries.
    • You have a fear of your partner leaving you or loving you less if you tell them “No.”

Expert Q&A

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  • Question
    How do you prevent a codependent relationship?
    Fernando Campos
    Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist
    Fernando Campos is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist and the Founder of Avant-Garde Therapy in Davie, Florida. Fernando has over 11 years of experience and offers telehealth, individual therapy, couples counseling, teen therapy, and family therapy programs. He has worked as a community educator on the topics of intimate partner abuse and trauma, anger management, family engagement, and counseling within alternative education. He is trained in CBT (cognitive behavioral therapy), Solution Focused Therapy, and BSFT (brief strategic family therapy). Fernando holds a Master’s Degree in Marriage and Family Therapy from Nova Southeastern University.
    Fernando Campos
    Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist
    Expert Answer
    Make sure that you understand who you are before you enter a relationship. People shouldn't find their identities through relationships, but they can have relationships while also still seeking self-identity. Whether or not you're in a relationship, you always have to maintain the relationship with yourself—because if you lose all sense of self and only identify within the relationship, codependency will thrive.
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      Expert Interview

      Thanks for reading our article! If you'd like to learn more about overcoming codependency, check out our in-depth interview with Fernando Campos .

      References

      1. ↑ https://youtu.be/GWwwLXU9nTs?t=357
      2. ↑ https://www.psychologicalscience.org/news/releases/bothered-by-negative-unwanted-thoughts-just-throw-them-away.html
      3. ↑ https://psychcentral.com/relationships/codependency-in-relationships#mindfulness
      4. ↑ https://www.mayoclinic.org/healthy-lifestyle/consumer-health/in-depth/mindfulness-exercises/art-20046356
      5. ↑ https://youtu.be/GWwwLXU9nTs?t=497
      6. ↑ https://psychcentral.com/lib/symptoms-signs-of-codependency
      7. ↑ https://youtu.be/GWwwLXU9nTs?t=296
      8. ↑ https://psychcentral.com/health/4-attachment-styles-in-relationships
      9. ↑ https://psychcentral.com/lib/how-to-change-insecure-attachment-style
      1. ↑ https://psychcentral.com/health/4-attachment-styles-in-relationships
      2. ↑ https://health.clevelandclinic.org/codependent-relationship-signs/
      3. ↑ https://greatergood.berkeley.edu/article/item/how_to_stop_romantic_comedies_from_ruining_your_love_life
      4. ↑ https://youtu.be/GWwwLXU9nTs?t=423
      5. ↑ https://coda.org/wp-content/uploads/2020/07/What-is-CoDA-BRO.-4010A.pdf
      6. ↑ https://www.mhanational.org/co-dependency
      7. ↑ https://www.helpguide.org/articles/relationships-communication/codependency.htm
      8. ↑ https://health.clevelandclinic.org/codependent-relationship-signs

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