Download Article
Communicate about your feelings to come together as a couple
Download Article
Your girlfriend used to be excited to see you, but now it feels like she's always either angry at you or doesn't even notice that you're there. Maybe she no longer responds to your texts, or she spends the whole night at a party talking to everyone except you. Whatever, the case, if you're feeling ignored by your girlfriend , chances are you're also feeling hurt, frustrated, and maybe even angry. It might be tempting to ignore her back, try to make her jealous, or even break up with her, but the healthiest way to deal with being ignored is to address it directly.
Why does your girlfriend ignore you?
If your girlfriend seems to suddenly ignore you, don’t think it’s your fault right away. Ask yourself if she’s going through a hard time that she doesn’t want to talk about yet. If that’s not it, reflect on whether you may have done something in recent weeks. Then, calmly set up a time to discuss your feelings openly.
Steps
-
Give her space . It's possible that your girlfriend is mad at you, but it's also possible that she's going through something tough that has nothing to do with you. [1] X Expert Source Jessica January Behr, PsyD
Licensed Clinical Psychologist Expert Interview. 12 August 2021. Either way, if you are getting negative feelings from her, don't push her to talk right away. Give her some time to cool down. This will also give you time to think through your own feelings. -
Ask yourself if she's actually ignoring you. Has your girlfriend's behaviour actually changed toward you? Is it possible that you're feeling depressed or anxious about something, and that you're imagining that her behaviour is worse than normal? [2] X Expert Source Jessica January Behr, PsyD
Licensed Clinical Psychologist Expert Interview. 12 August 2021.- It's possible that she has always been a bit cold toward you, but that as the relationship gets older, you are realizing that you don't like the way she behaves.
- Have you been through anything difficult recently? Maybe you've been demanding more attention from her lately, and she's having a hard time meeting your needs, which has resulted in her pulling away.
- You and your girlfriend might have miscommunicated about how much time you want to spend together or how frequently you want to talk. Talk to her about how often you'd like to communicate
, and ask her what she needs. Try to find a balance between both your needs. [3]
X
Expert Source
Jessica January Behr, PsyD
Licensed Clinical Psychologist Expert Interview. 12 August 2021.
Advertisement -
Consider that your girlfriend may be depressed. She may be ignoring you, but if she's struggling with depression, she might not even realize it.
- Signs of depression include difficulties concentrating and making decisions; fatigue; feelings of helplessness, hopelessness, and/or worthlessness; insomnia or excessive sleeping; irritability; loss of interest in pleasurable activities such as sex or date nights; overeating or loss of appetite; anxiety; suicidal thoughts and/or destructive behaviour. [4] X Trustworthy Source HelpGuide Nonprofit organization dedicated to providing free, evidence-based mental health and wellness resources. Go to source
- If you think your girlfriend might be depressed, there are things that you can do to help .
-
Avoid the temptation to ignore her back. As tempting as it may be to ignore her back or try to make her jealous, it's not healthy or productive to do so. In addition, if your girlfriend is depressed or struggling with some other difficult personal problem, ignoring her back will only make things harder for her, and could really damage your relationship.
- The “Elastic Band Theory” suggests that you can make someone want you by pulling away from them. It may work for some people in the short term, but it is not the type of behaviour that you can build a healthy relationship on. [5] X Research source
- One piece of positive advice that you can take from the “Elastic Band Theory” is that people in relationships need space to do their own thing, otherwise they will tire of one another or begin to take one another for granted. You can take time for yourself and still be kind and respectful to your girlfriend. Don't ignore her, but do make sure that you have a life outside of her.
-
Take care of yourself. Try not to dwell on how hurt/upset your girlfriend's behaviour is making you feel. Remind yourself that she can't actually “make” you feel anything, and that you have a choice: you can choose to acknowledge that you're upset, but to not let it hold you back from enjoying life.
- Do things that make you feel good: visit with friends, go to the gym, pick up hobbies (for example, playing guitar, making movies, or hiking).
Advertisement
-
Set a date to speak in person. If your girlfriend is completely ignoring you, you might not be able to get in touch with her via phone or in person. If you know she is still getting your texts , you might try sending her a message that expresses your concern and asks her to meet up and talk.
- Example: “You haven't been responding to my texts lately. When that happens, I feel hurt and wonder if you're still happy in our relationship. Can we meet up and talk?”
- If you know her schedule, you might even suggest a day and time when she is usually free, which could make it easier to get her to commit to meeting up.
- Example: “You haven't been responding to my texts lately. When that happens, I feel hurt and wonder if you're still happy in our relationship. Can we meet up and talk?”
-
Send an email or private message. Skip this step if your girlfriend responds to you via text or phone. If you can't get in touch with her via text or phone, but you know that she is still okay (i.e. hanging out with friends, posting to social media), you might try sending her a message that lays out your feelings and concerns via her Facebook inbox or an email address.
- If you choose to send an email/private message, be sensitive to your tone. Write a draft, then re-read it after you've had a good night's sleep. Make sure that it isn't mean or disrespectful.
- Be specific
. Provide concrete examples of what she does and how you feel. Be sure to word it in a way that isn't accusatory:
- “When we were at that party on Saturday, you spent the whole night talking to other people. We didn't get a chance to talk at all, and you left without saying goodbye, even though we were sitting across from each other in the same room. When you did that, I felt hurt. I wasn't sure if I had done something wrong. I am worried about you, and I am worried about us. I would like to get together in person and talk this through. Or, if you're uncomfortable with that, I am also open to communicating via email for now.”
- Before sending your email , try to put yourself in her shoes as you give it a final read. Think about how it might sound to her, and how she might react, and edit it to ensure that you are sharing your thoughts and feelings in the most effective way possible. If she understands your side and doesn't feel threatened, she's more likely to respond.
-
Use empathetic body language . If you manage to meet up with her in person to talk, use empathetic body language. This will show her that you're committed to understanding her side of the story, and it should encourage her to open up.
- Empathetic body language includes facing the person in an open position (i.e. not crossing your arms or hunching over or turning away), nodding and using eye contact to signal that you hear what she's saying, and making reassuring sounds to show understanding without interrupting. [6] X Trustworthy Source HelpGuide Nonprofit organization dedicated to providing free, evidence-based mental health and wellness resources. Go to source
-
Express your thoughts and feelings using nonviolent communication. In nonviolent communication, you focus on your own thoughts and feelings rather than accusing the other person of doing something wrong.
- Organize what you say in the following order: observations, feelings, needs, and requests. [7] X Research source
- Example: “For the past week you've not answered my calls and you've cancelled our plans twice. I'm starting to worry that you're not interested in having a relationship with me any more.”
-
Ask her about herself. After you've expressed how you feel , let her know that you are open to communication, and encourage her to share her feelings.
- Example: “For the past week you've not answered my calls and you've cancelled our plans twice. I'm starting to worry that you're not interested in having a relationship with me any more. I would like it if we could have a conversation about our relationship. If it's not our relationship that's the problem, then I would like it if you could open up to me about what else is going on.”
-
Ask her what she needs. If she admits that she's unhappy in some way, ask her what she needs/what you can do. She might need space, or maybe she wants you to do something you're not doing — it might even be something simple like hugging her more often or telling her she's beautiful.
- If she asks for space, don't panic. Again, this could be completely about her and really have nothing to do with you.
- Ask her if she knows how long she might need. If she says she doesn't know, suggest a time that feels okay to you — perhaps a week. Be supportive. Ask her if there's anything you can do — for example, call at the end of the week to check in.
- If you decide to give each other space, ensure that you are both clear on what that means. For some, space might just mean only talking on the phone twice a week instead of every night, or, it might mean an entire week without any communication whatsoever. Clarifying what “space” means to you will help make that time easier.
- Know that you don't HAVE to give her what she says she needs. If you aren't comfortable with something that she requests, it's okay to tell her that. The two of you might be able to make a compromise . Ultimately the two of you need to respect one another's needs and boundaries.
- If she asks for space, don't panic. Again, this could be completely about her and really have nothing to do with you.
-
Be an active listener . When it's her turn to speak, actively listen to her. This involves empathetic body language (open stance, nodding, reassuring sounds) as well as showing your understanding by repeating what she has said and/or asking for clarification. [8] X Research source If you are hurt by something that she says, it's okay to let her know that, but try to let her know in a non-confrontational way.
- Example: “Thank you for opening up to me. When you said that I'm too clingy, I felt sad and a bit confused. I enjoy spending time with you, but I'm also happy to do my own thing. I would like to know some of the specific things I do that lead you to think that I'm clingy. Maybe I'll be able to change some of those things.”
- If she can give you some specific examples, even if you don't agree with them, it will help you get a better sense of what she wants from the relationship. Knowing what she wants will give you a clearer idea of whether you're able or willing to give it to her.
- Don't roll your eyes or interrupt her while she is talking. Let her get it all out before you respond. What she has to say might be upsetting for you to hear; you might not agree, but just let her get it all out before you respond.
- Example: “Thank you for opening up to me. When you said that I'm too clingy, I felt sad and a bit confused. I enjoy spending time with you, but I'm also happy to do my own thing. I would like to know some of the specific things I do that lead you to think that I'm clingy. Maybe I'll be able to change some of those things.”
Advertisement
-
Come up with some possible solutions together. Once you've worked out what some of the problems may be, work together to figure out how you can resolve them.
- If she's said that she's ignoring you because she feels overwhelmed by how much attention you pay to her, ask her to give you some specific examples of the things that you do that make her feel that way.
- Perhaps she doesn't like that you call her three times a day: at breakfast, lunch, and dinner. Maybe you can agree to a “good morning” text and a short phone call after dinner every day.
- If she's said that she's ignoring you because she feels overwhelmed by how much attention you pay to her, ask her to give you some specific examples of the things that you do that make her feel that way.
-
Don't force a resolution. Sometimes it's better to take a break when emotions are heated, and to return to an argument later, especially if you've already been arguing for several hours. [9] X Trustworthy Source American Psychological Association Leading scientific and professional organization of licensed psychologists Go to source
- If you find that you're going in circles and solving nothing, it's probably a good time to take a break. Perhaps you can't meet up again for two days, and you would rather get it all sorted now. That desire is totally normal, but it really won't help either of you when you're both too exhausted from arguing to even think clearly.
-
Understand that one of the resolutions might be to break up . Chances are, if you're worried about your girlfriend ignoring you, you want to keep the relationship. If it's not a problem with your perception and it's not something personal that she's struggling with, and if she's really just ignoring you because she's mad at you, you need to consider whether you want to be in a relationship with someone who would rather hurt you than tell you why they're upset. [10] X Expert Source Jessica January Behr, PsyD
Licensed Clinical Psychologist Expert Interview. 12 August 2021.EXPERT TIPDating CoachJohn Keegan is a Dating Coach and motivational speaker based in New York City. With over 10 years of professional experience, he runs The Awakened Lifestyle, where he uses his expertise in dating, attraction, and social dynamics to help people find love. He teaches and holds dating workshops internationally, from Los Angeles to London and from Rio de Janeiro to Prague. His work has been featured in the New York Times, Humans of New York, and Men's Health.In the very least, it might be helpful to give them space. If she's struggling to have deep conversations with you or share romantic experiences with you, she might not be ready for a relationship. This could be a sign that she needs more time to figure things out for herself.
Advertisement
Expert Q&A
Search
-
QuestionWhat do you do when your girlfriend ignores your text?Dr. Jessica January Behr is a Licensed Clinical Psychologist and the Founder and Director of Behr Psychology. She specializes in couples and sex therapy. Additionally, Dr. Behr treats those experiencing anxiety, stress, relationship problems, and depression. She holds a BA in Psychology from Hunter College. Dr. Behr also holds a Masters of Science of Education (MsED) in School Psychology and a Doctor of Psychology (PsyD) in Clinical Psychology from Pace University.The first thing you should understand is that there's a difference between being ignored and feeling ignored. For example, if you know your partner is at work during the day and doesn't reply you from nine to five, they're most likely not ignoring you. Of course, that might still make you feel ignored, but it's necessary to determine if there is mal-intent.
-
QuestionHow can you tell if a girl is no longer interested in you?Dr. Jessica January Behr is a Licensed Clinical Psychologist and the Founder and Director of Behr Psychology. She specializes in couples and sex therapy. Additionally, Dr. Behr treats those experiencing anxiety, stress, relationship problems, and depression. She holds a BA in Psychology from Hunter College. Dr. Behr also holds a Masters of Science of Education (MsED) in School Psychology and a Doctor of Psychology (PsyD) in Clinical Psychology from Pace University.If you feel like the person is ignoring you on purpose and identify a pattern in the relationship, it may be worth looking inward and analyzing the situation. Ask yourself if you feel like this is a worthwhile relationship to continue, as being ignored can affect feelings of self-esteem and other aspects of your life.
-
QuestionWhy is communication so important in a relationship?Dr. Jessica January Behr is a Licensed Clinical Psychologist and the Founder and Director of Behr Psychology. She specializes in couples and sex therapy. Additionally, Dr. Behr treats those experiencing anxiety, stress, relationship problems, and depression. She holds a BA in Psychology from Hunter College. Dr. Behr also holds a Masters of Science of Education (MsED) in School Psychology and a Doctor of Psychology (PsyD) in Clinical Psychology from Pace University.When we enter relationships, it is extremely important to do so as consciously as possible. Be very aware of your emotions as you form an attachment, as one of you may need more or less space, and it is important do understand each other and communicate those feelings. You booth need to determine your styles of communication and evaluate if there's compatibility long-term.
Ask a Question
200 characters left
Include your email address to get a message when this question is answered.
Submit
Advertisement
Video
Tips
- Remember that she might be going through something difficult that has nothing to do with you. She might be avoiding you because she simply doesn't know how to talk to you or anybody else about it. Try not to get upset until you have the full story.Thanks
- If you find that your girlfriend often ignores you and this is becoming a pattern, you might want to consider whether the relationship is worth keeping. It's possible that you could be in a manipulative or controlling relationship .Thanks
Tips from our Readers
The advice in this section is based on the lived experiences of wikiHow readers like you. If you have a helpful tip you’d like to share on wikiHow, please submit it in the field below.
- Address the situation openly, in an environment that you're both comfortable in. You may want to avoid public places (i.e. Dinner in a restaurant) in case the situation escalates into something you don't anticipate. Explain how you feel and why. Be prepared to have examples of the behavior in question. Be patient and listen. Pick up on non-verbal communication, like wandering eyes and breathing patterns.
- If your girlfriend is ignoring you, it's best if you try your best to just stay by her side no matter what. Be truthful, be honest, and tell her how much you love her. Give her as much love as you can give.
- Give her time. Don't go up to her and ask her like 1,000 questions at a time. She may just need time to figure out some stuff in her life.
Submit a Tip
All tip submissions are carefully reviewed before being published
Name
Please provide your name and last initial
Thanks for submitting a tip for review!
Advertisement
References
- ↑ Jessica January Behr, PsyD. Licensed Clinical Psychologist. Expert Interview. 12 August 2021.
- ↑ Jessica January Behr, PsyD. Licensed Clinical Psychologist. Expert Interview. 12 August 2021.
- ↑ Jessica January Behr, PsyD. Licensed Clinical Psychologist. Expert Interview. 12 August 2021.
- ↑ https://www.helpguide.org/articles/depression/coping-with-depression.htm
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/rethinking-men/201304/the-elastic-band-theory-relationships
- ↑ https://www.helpguide.org/articles/relationships-communication/effective-communication.htm
- ↑ https://positivepsychology.com/express-emotions/
- ↑ https://positivepsychology.com/active-listening/
- ↑ https://www.apa.org/topics/anger/control
- ↑ Jessica January Behr, PsyD. Licensed Clinical Psychologist. Expert Interview. 12 August 2021.
About This Article
Article Summary
X
While it’s frustrating when your girlfriend is ignoring you, try to give her some space for awhile so that she has time to think through her feelings. If she continues ignoring you, it would be best to speak with her directly in a mature and compassionate way. Try to set up a meeting by texting her something like “I noticed you haven’t been responding to my calls lately. I’m starting to worry that you don’t want to be with me anymore. I was wondering if we could meet and talk about that." When you meet up with her, show empathy for what she’s going through with something like “If our relationship isn’t the problem, then I hope you can tell me what’s really going on.” Once she’s opened up to you, work on finding solutions together, like calling only once a day if she feels overwhelmed by your attention. For more advice, including when it might be best to take a break in your relationship, keep reading.
Did this summary help you?
Thanks to all authors for creating a page that has been read 2,033,796 times.
Reader Success Stories
- "After accidentally reconnecting with my soulmate from 40 years ago, everything has been great, except when she goes dark on me (we are 700 miles apart and about to live together). I always have secretly taken it personally until this article. Now I know that when she needs space (like she's had for 18 years), just give it to her, and every day or two just send an email saying that I know she's going through something, that she doesn't have to respond, that I'm there for her and I love her." ..." more
Advertisement
"After accidentally reconnecting with my soulmate from 40 years ago, everything has been great, except when she goes dark on me (we are 700 miles apart and about to live together). I always have secretly taken it personally until this article. Now I know that when she needs space (like she's had for 18 years), just give it to her, and every day or two just send an email saying that I know she's going through something, that she doesn't have to respond, that I'm there for her and I love her."
..."
more
"Me and my girlfriend are really struggling right now. All I want to do is play Crazy Taxi on my portable computer, and I don't really know why she doesn't support me. All she does is watch Netflix now and won't even face me. I'm going to try a couple of these tips to see if they help me."
..."
more
"I was going through a very hard time. It feels like dying, and I totally lost the ability of thinking. Was fed up with life, but after reading this article, I found myself stronger to handle the situation. Thank you so much."
..."
more
"It helped to understand my girlfriend perfectly, you guys are like relationship gods! Now I am going to solve the problems with my girlfriend, now we are so happy."
..."
more
"I thought a lot about what you've said in this article, and I felt like the parts telling me that it may not be about me really helped me feel better about myself."
..."
more
