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Persuading your mom can be hard because she knows she has the final word — she's the one in charge. If you really want to convince her of something, you need to plan out your argument well ahead of time, then present it to her maturely and with a respectful tone. If you can show her that you've really thought this through and have a plan in place that addresses her concerns, you just may be able to bring her over to your way of thinking.
Steps
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Give yourself time to prepare. [1] X Research source You're about to have a hard conversation that could easily turn into a fight if you're not careful. To stop that from happening, you should put a lot of thought into how you're going to argue with her without fighting. Don't be impulsive! Think ahead of time and give yourself enough time to put together a proposal that will have good odds of winning her over.
- If the thing you're asking for has a deadline — tickets for a concert or permission to go to a party, for example — start planning well ahead of time.
- You also want to have the conversation where you ask for permission ahead of the deadline, just in case the first answer is "no." The first answer isn't always the final answer — with some time, you may be able to change her mind. But you need enough time to do it.
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Brainstorm a list of reasons why you want what you want. The most obvious answer, obviously, is just “Because I do!” but that's not enough to convince your mom. Think of the positive benefits you would receive beyond just happiness.
- For example, this might be the only time in the past five years that your favorite band has come to your city. If you don't see them this time, you may have missed your chance for several years down the line.
- It may be an important bonding experience for you and your friends. It would make you feel lonely and sad if you were the only member of your circle of friends who wasn't allowed to attend a birthday party.
- Can you frame the thing you want as a learning experience? For example, "Driving to school on my own will teach me self-sufficiency. I'll have to wake up and get ready on time by myself, without you having to push me along."
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Detail the reasons you believe you deserve it. Your mom is probably dealing with problems every day that you never even know about — work, bills, carpools, meals, cleaning, and dealing with her children's needs. When she hears one more request, she might be tempted to just say “no” because she already has so much on her plate. To prevent that, tell her all the things you've been working on yourself. Why do you deserve this thing that you're asking for? Some examples might include:
- You've kept up good grades for a long time, or maybe you've worked hard to raise a low grade in a class you'd been struggling in.
- You do your chores every day without complaining.
- You haven't asked for any favors in a long time.
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Sweeten the pot with a bribe. Parents bribe their kids all the time to get them to behave — from allowance to trips to the zoo. Why not use that same strategy with her? After telling her why you want the thing you're asking for and why you think you deserve it, you should be able to move on to what you will offer her as a trade. Some examples might include:
- Watching younger siblings for two weekend nights so your parents can have some time to themselves for date nights.
- Taking on extra chores around the house. Be specific and think about what she'd be most grateful for. If you know that vacuuming hurts her back, offer to take that off her hands.
- If she hates cleaning the cat's litter box, tell her you'll do that from now on.
- If the thing you're asking for costs money, offer to pay for as much of it as you can afford.
- Cleaning any or all of your home
- Doing yard work
- Cleaning and/or washing the car
- Cooking meals
- Washing dishes
- Taking out the trash and/or recycling
- Doing laundry
- The important thing to remember is that the more specific you are, the more believable your promise is. Promising to “be good” is too vague to sound convincing, and she won't believe you'll follow through. However, giving her clear, detailed promises will make a world of difference.
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Predict and answer her concerns. Put yourself in your mother's shoes: what do you think are going to be her reasons for saying no? Even if you think her reasons are unfair, by listing them and brainstorming ways to work around them, you improve your chances of getting what you want. This will probably involve compromise on your part, so be prepared to give up a little bit of what you want. For example:
- She won't like that there will be members of the opposite gender at a party; tell her that she can come chaperone if she wants.
- She's too tired to take you to the amusement park this weekend; tell her you will take care of all her responsibilities the night before so she can relax and get a good night's sleep. This includes laundry, cooking, cleaning — everything she might do.
- She's worried that if she lets you start driving yourself around town, you'll lie about where you are; tell her you'll call her from your friend's home phone or from the business line of wherever you're going so she can verify with caller ID that you're where you said you'd be.
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Choose the right time. [2] X Research source Timing is everything when it comes to having a big conversation. If you start asking things of your mother when she's busy concentrating on something else, or when she's in a bad mood after a long day of work, you're probably not going to have much success.
- Watch her carefully, looking for a time when she is relaxing and in a good mood, but doesn't look like she needs that time to herself desperately.
- Try not to catch her during the “me-time” she needs to unwind at the end of the day, but don't catch her in the middle of a busy day, either. Find a perfect middle ground, where she's relaxed and in a good mood.
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Provide her with all the information she needs to know. You know you're asking for something she doesn't want to give you. Give her all the information she'll need to set her mind at ease about her hesitations. For example:
- If you're asking for a smartphone, explain that she can set controls on how much of her money you can spend in the app store, or whether you can spend any money at all.
- If you're asking to go to a party, tell her where it will be held, who will be there, and which adults will be chaperoning. Give her the adults' phone numbers so she can speak to them for herself; talking to other adults can put parents' minds at ease.
- If you're asking for permission to date someone, tell her all about the boy/girl you like. Tell her you want her to meet them before she makes a decision about whether or not you can date.
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Ask her for her honest reason for why she's resisting. Sometimes, parents just give “parent” answers instead of real ones. We've all heard it: “Because I said so.” The vague “no” is much harder to argue with than a specific “no” because comes from a place of authority: I am your mother and you have to obey me. You can't argue with that! However, if she gives you the actual details being her reasoning, you can argue against her logical argument more easily.
- Keep a curious tone, not a defensive one. There's a big difference between screaming “WHY?” at your mother and asking “But can you please just explain to me what problems you have with this, specifically? I just want to understand. And maybe there's something I can do to make you feel better about it.”
- Be open-minded while she speaks. Your mother has a lot of life experience and loves you very much, so she's probably just doing what she thinks is best for you. You don't have to agree with her opinions, but you have to respect that she has them.
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Ask her to set her own conditions. By making a request, then asking her to change the rules and limits of what you asked for, you're showing her that you respect her authority. She'll appreciate that you know she's reasonable and just wants what's best for you.
- “What would you like me to do to earn this privilege?”
- You've already brainstormed some bribes. If they don't work, then this open-ended strategy, which hands control over to her, might get you closer to your goal.
- Be open and eager to compromise.
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Ask for a delayed response if she says "no" at first. Even if your mother says “no” off the bat, that doesn't necessarily mean it's the end of the conversation. Instead of crying or losing your temper, show her how mature you are instead.
- “Okay, Mom, you're saying no right now. If that's your final answer, I'll respect it, but can I ask you to wait one week and come back to your decision? If I behave well enough for the next week, maybe I can convince you to change your mind.”
- “I'm not asking you to change your mind. I'm just asking you to keep an open mind and see how hard I can work to earn this privilege.”
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Pick your battles. If you've asked for something that you want, but it's not a huge deal if you don't get it, maybe you should just let it go if your mother says no. If you make a big deal out of every request, your mom will get tired of arguing with you over time, and just start saying no to everything.
- Be smart about whether or not this is important enough to keep bugging her about. Save your big arguments for things that really matter.
- If going to the movies with your friends this weekend isn't a huge priority, maybe you want to save your big fight for a much more significant privilege, like getting your own cell phone or learning how to drive.
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Stay as calm as possible. [3] X Trustworthy Source Greater Good Magazine Journal published by UC Berkeley's Greater Good Science Center, which uses scientific research to promote happier living Go to source If it looks like your mom is going to say no, you might feel the telltale signs of anger and frustration: your skin starts feeling hot, your heart beats faster, your voice starts getting higher and louder.
- Even though you're allowed to feel how you feel, you should know that part of winning an argument involves learning to control your emotions.
- Work on keeping your voice normal and level — if you notice yourself getting louder or the pitch of your voice getting higher, take calming breaths to work out that tension you feel in your throat when you get upset.
- Balance your logical argument and your feelings. The discussion should be more about the argument you brainstormed in the previous section than how you're feeling in the current moment.
- If you worry that you're going to lose your temper or cry, show your maturity by asking your mom if you can take a break until you calm down.
- You might say, “Mom, I think I'm getting too worked up about this, and I'm not going to help my case by crying or yelling. But I do want to keep talking about this. I just need a break to regroup. Can we do that, please?”
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Choose your words carefully. Words can have a huge effect in how your argument comes across to your mother. There's a big difference between “you never let me do what I want” and “it would make me so happy and grateful if you let me do this.” Some language you can keep in mind includes:
- 'Please may I...'
- 'Could I please...'
- 'It would be really great if I could...'
- 'It would really help me with ______ if I could...'
- 'I would really appreciate...'
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Don't interrupt her. In any argument, no matter how respectful and civil it is, you'll probably feel the urge to keep making your case, even when she's talking. This is very disrespectful, and suggests you think you deserve more time to speak than she does.
- Remember that in any conversation with your mother, she's the one with the power. If you rub her the wrong way, your chances of getting whatever you want are basically zero.
- Control the urge to speak over her, even if you have great points to make.
- Wait until she's finished her line of thought. Don't just sit through it, but actually listen to it and absorb what she's saying.
- The more you listen, the better you'll be able to argue directly against her points. This is more effective than just making your case blindly from your own point of view.
- To further prove to her how seriously you're taking her point of view, use “connecting words” like “ok,” “yeah,” “uh huh,” and so on while your mother's talking to showing that you're actively paying attention to what she's saying.
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Use attentive body language. To persuade your mother, you want to use every tool in your kit, and nonverbal communication is a very effective tool when it comes to persuading someone.
- Maintain eye contact — it shows her that you're paying close attention, not letting your attention drift like you have better places to be.
- Uncross your arms and legs. Many people think crossed arms and legs as a sign that you're closed off or distant. You want to show your mother that you are open to what she has to say.
- Nod your head when she's making her points. Just like the “connecting” words, this shows that you're following her.
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Be honest with her. [4] X Research source Every time you get caught lying to your mother, you make it that much harder to win her over the next time you need to persuade her of something. Keep the long game in mind — be upfront and honest with her about everything, even if you think she won't like it. You already anticipated her concerns and planned out responses to them when you were brainstorming for this conversation. If you did a good job of that, you'll have nothing to hide.
- Note that you may not get what you want every single time by being honest. However, if you get caught lying, you'll find that your mom becomes harder and harder to persuade, and she'll be suspicious even when she has nothing to worry about.
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Reader Success Stories
- "I used these methods to write a speech about getting LPS toys. I read it to her, stayed patient, and I changed her answer from a straight up no to a "Possibly, ask your dad." Thanks so much! My mom is sometimes hard to talk to and hard to persuade!" ..." more
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"I used these methods to write a speech about getting LPS toys. I read it to her, stayed patient, and I changed her answer from a straight up no to a "Possibly, ask your dad." Thanks so much! My mom is sometimes hard to talk to and hard to persuade!"
..."
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"I thought that the presenting your argument section was very helpful, as it suggested a few ideas of what to say to your mother, and they really helped me."
..."
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"I did all of these things. It took some convincing, but I eventually got what I wanted."
"I liked the step where they were talking about how to answer to a "no"."
"I love it, it sounds like great advice. Can't wait to go try it."
