Q&A for How to Have a Gay Friend

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If a friend comes out to me, does it mean that they like me?

Deb Schneider, LCSW, PPSC
LGBTQ+ Counselor
Deb Schneider is a Licensed Clinical Social Worker in private practice in Oakland, CA, and a Program Manager for the Weiland Health Initiative at Stanford University. With over 15 years of experience, she specializes in creating safe spaces, respectful of marginalized identities, at the high school and college levels. Deb holds a Bachelor’s degree in Sociology and Women's Studies from Clark University and a Master of Social Work (MSW) with Health Concentration from the University of California, Berkeley School of Social Welfare.

Deb Schneider, LCSW, PPSC

LGBTQ+ Counselor

Expert Answer

No, this is one of those stereotypes that just isn't true. I mean, it's possible in theory that they think you're cute or something, but it isn't like they're automatically interested in you just because they came out.

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Question

How should I act around my lesbian friend?

Deb Schneider, LCSW, PPSC
LGBTQ+ Counselor
Deb Schneider is a Licensed Clinical Social Worker in private practice in Oakland, CA, and a Program Manager for the Weiland Health Initiative at Stanford University. With over 15 years of experience, she specializes in creating safe spaces, respectful of marginalized identities, at the high school and college levels. Deb holds a Bachelor’s degree in Sociology and Women's Studies from Clark University and a Master of Social Work (MSW) with Health Concentration from the University of California, Berkeley School of Social Welfare.

Deb Schneider, LCSW, PPSC

LGBTQ+ Counselor

Expert Answer

You don't need to act like anything. Just be yourself. You don't need to treat them totally differently just because they're a lesbian.

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Question

Can I force my friend to be straight?

Community Answer

No, and even if you could, it would be wrong to try. Your friend is who he is, and if you think that should change, then you shouldn’t be his friend.

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Question

I've loved girls since I was 4. I think I'm bisexual but like girls. Is there a sexuality for that? I'm a boy.

Community Answer

If you like girls and boys that means you're bisexual. You could be bisexual with a preference for girls, which is fine.

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I have a good friend who is gay, and it does not bother me at all. As a Christian, do you think I should accept her for who she is?

Community Answer

If she is your friend and her sexuality doesn't bother you at all, then religion has nothing to do with it. You should absolutely accept your friend for who she is.

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Question

My new bestie is bi and I sometimes hang out with her older, gay friends. They all like me. She is getting bullied for her sexuality. If I stand up for her, they will think I'm bi. Help!

Community Answer

Defending somebody who's being bullied (regardless of their sexuality) is a very brave and thoughtful thing to do. Defending her proves that you are a loyal friend who won't accept mistreatment, and doing so doesn't at all make you bi. If they (the older friends) pick up any misconceptions, explain to them that you're not bi, and instead just want to prevent her from being unfairly ostracized. While it may seem "uncool" or "out of fashion" to state such a thing, remember that you're fighting for the greater good, and needn't bow to ignorance.

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What if I'm homophobic?

Community Answer

You may have your reasons, but friends trust you to respect their decisions and choices about coming out and being themselves. You need to be a kind supporting friend, even if you do feel uncomfortable. If you don't necessarily feel like addressing the topic when your friend brings it up, admit you are uncomfortable, but don't push any buttons. But still be kind and supportive, even if it is out of your comfort zone.

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I hate myself and my gay friend might hate me. Should I live isolated from everyone?

Community Answer

No, you shouldn't hate anything about yourself or your life. If you are trying to make a gay friend, it's completely normal to do so. Liking a person based on your terms is a right, and you shouldn't hate who you are. Love it and embrace despite what the society thinks or says. Be brave. Set an example. Don't hate who you are, embrace it.

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How do I get my neighbor to stop asking me to be his 'gay bestie for realzies'?

Community Answer

Try telling him why you want him to stop. If he doesn't listen then try not talking to him when he hassles you.

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Question

I get attracted towards boys. I have a friend and I like him, how should I tell him that I like him a lot and have a crush on him?

Xander Winn

Community Answer

He might be straight. Don't assume he's gay. if he appreciates a friendship, just accept him as a friend.

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Question

How do I come out to my parents, and tell them I'm pansexual?

Gamer Noko

Community Answer

First, just make sure they at the very least don’t react negatively to LGBTQ people. If they don’t react negatively, you can tell them how you want. You can just tell them, you can use a celebratory twist with a cake that says ‘I’m pansexual’ or something like that, you can write a letter or email. It really depends on how you feel most comfortable.

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Question

Can I ask my friend if she’s bi, trans, lesbian, etc., because I’m not sure and she supports LGBTQ+ people and also how can I tell if she might like me?

Answerss

Community Answer

Yes, you can totally ask! Bear in mind that you can support LGBTQ+ people without being LGBTQ+ yourself, but you can still ask if you are wondering. It might be awkward to just ask though, so think beforehand about what would be the best way to phrase it. Their reaction should give you a rough idea as to whether they are or not. Just make sure what you say to them couldn’t be considered offensive or homophobic in any way, and if they say they are LGBTQ+ make sure you support them completely and don’t treat them any differently.

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