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We have all had it happen. You are sitting there in your living room or standing in your kitchen and you wonder, “I wonder what so-and-so is doing these days?” Life is crazy, and it’s easy to lose touch with friends. Before you know it, years have gone by! The good news is you have a ton of tools you can use to find your old friends and reconnect with them. Whether it’s to bury the hatchet or just because you miss them, you can easily get in touch with them and rekindle your friendship.
Steps
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Try looking old friends up on social media. Type their name into the search bar of a social media site to see what pops up. Look for your friend in the results and try to match them to their profile picture to confirm it’s them. If you have mutual friends, look to see if they’re friends with them to help narrow your search. [1] X Research source
- Instagram, Snapchat and Facebook are great options to look someone up, especially if you have mutual friends.
- LinkedIn can be a useful tool as well. Some folks may not participate on social media too much, but may still have a professional profile on LinkedIn you can use to find them.
- If you do find them on social media, take a look through their profile before you reach out. For instance, if they’ve lost someone during the pandemic, it may affect the way you contact them. [2] X Research source
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Enter their name into a search engine. Run your friend’s name through a simple Google search to see what results you get. You may find a social media account, business profile, website, or even a news article or something that mentions them. Use the results to help track down your friend. [3] X Research source
- For instance, if your friend was interviewed about their business in Scottsdale, Arizona, you can use that info to figure out where they are.
- Don’t get discouraged if you can’t find them in a search. Some people don’t have a major online presence.
- Try using multiple search engines to look them up. You may get different results on Google, Bing, or Yahoo.
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Ask mutual friends or family for their contact info. If you have any friends in common, reach out to them to see if they know where your friend is or if they have a phone number, email address, or another way you can get in touch with them. Try contacting any of their family that you know to see if they can help you out as well. [4] X Research source
- For instance, if you know their parents’ home phone number, try giving it a ring. Who knows, they may still have the same number and you may be able to track down your friend that way.
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Check alumni association websites. If you went to high school or college with your friend, they may have provided their contact information to your school’s alumni association. Visit their website to look up your friend to see if there’s a phone number or mailing address listed. [5] X Research source
- If they aren’t listed on the site, or your alumni association doesn’t maintain a website, try giving them a call to see if they can point you in the right direction.
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Use a people search website. People search websites use public records and information such as name, age, address, and phone number to help you locate someone. Look up a people search online and make an account or register to use their services. Search for your friend on their site to see what results pop up that you can use to help find them. [6] X Research source
- Sites like intelius.com and peoplefinders.com charge a fee for you to use their services, but may be a useful tool for your search.
- Some sites, like pipl.com, wink.com, and zabasearch.com are free but may have limited search results.
- If you served in the military with your friend, military.com offers a free “Buddy Finder” service that includes service records that can help you find them.
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Try emailing your friend to reconnect with them. If it’s been a really long time since you’ve been in touch, or if you don’t want to come on too strong, send them an email. Type out a simple but friendly message inviting them to connect with you. Include contact information they can use to reach out to you, or give them the option to reply by email. [7] X Research source
- For instance, you could write something like, “Hi Chris! Long time no see. I was just thinking about you the other day and wanted to reach out. Let me know if you want to chat and catch up sometime.”
- If you had a falling out with your friend, an email can be a useful, private way to send a message that gives them the option to respond or not.
- Be patient as you wait for a response and try not to send multiple messages in a row.
- Sometimes, all you may have is an email address to go on, so give it a shot!
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Send them a message through social media. If you don’t have your friend’s number or you don’t want to put too much pressure on them to reconnect with you, use social media to reach out to them. Send them a short direct message to connect with them and get a sense of how receptive they are to talking to you. [8] X Research source
- A social media message can be really short to start off a conversation. Try something like, “Hey Sarah, how’s it going? I miss you!”
- Experts agree that if you want to apologize or own up to something you did that may have hurt your friend, a short email or message on social media is a good place to start.
- Use a private message rather than a public one so you don’t put extra pressure on them to respond.
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Give them a call if you have their number. If you have your friend’s phone number and you feel comfortable calling them, go for it! Give them a call and listen to how they talk to gauge how open they are to reconnecting with you. [9] X Research source
- Phone calls don’t have to be super awkward. Try a simple greeting like, “Hi Jack! How are you?” You might be surprised how easy it is to talk to an old friend.
- Hearing someone’s voice can be really calming and personal.
- Listen to your friend’s tone and inflection for clues about how they’re feeling.
- If your friend doesn’t answer, no worries. They may not have your number. Leave a voicemail and be sure to include your number so they can give you a call back.
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Schedule a video call for a more intimate conversation. If your friend is open to it, organize a video call so you can see their face and they can see yours. Set a time for the 2 of you to hop on a call so you’re both able to set aside time and make it happen. [10] X Research source
- Since you haven’t seen your friend in a while, you can start off the conversation with something about their appearance. For example, you could say, “Hi there, Monique! Wow, you look like you haven’t aged a day!”
- You could also ask something like "How has your year been?" [11]
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Expert Source
Lena Dicken, Psy.D
Clinical Psychologist Expert Interview. 15 December 2020. - To give the conversation a more personal touch, try asking "How are you doing emotionally?" [12]
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Expert Source
Lena Dicken, Psy.D
Clinical Psychologist Expert Interview. 15 December 2020. - Try not to video call your friend without a heads up. They may have kids or work they need to organize around to catch up with you on a video call.
- Use a free app like Messenger, Zoom, Skype, or FaceTime for an easy way to make a video call.
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Send a sympathy card if there’s been a death in their family. If it isn’t appropriate or you feel uncomfortable reaching out to connect with your friend in their time of grief, send them a sympathy card. Let them know you’re thinking about them and let them know they can call you or reach out to you anytime. [13] X Research source
- Keep your message short but sweet. For instance, try saying something like, “Dear Priya, I’m so sorry to hear about your loss. If you ever want to talk, please don’t hesitate to reach out to me. I miss you and I love you.”
- Include your contact info if your friend doesn’t have it.
- If you hear that an old friend lost somebody during the pandemic, a sympathy card can be a good way to express your feelings without overwhelming them.
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Start with some small talk. Catch up with your friend by talking about things that you’ve done and asking about what they’re up to. Use simple discussion topics like work, hobbies, food, or anything else you can think up to ease the tension and get the ball rolling. [14] X Research source
- For instance, you could ask them things like “What are you doing for work these days?” or “Are you still into basketball?”
- Asking questions is a simple way to encourage a conversation.
- Remember, it’s been a while since you’ve seen or talked to your friend, so you have plenty of stuff to talk about!
- You could ask your friend for their thoughts about current events. [15]
X
Expert Source
Lena Dicken, Psy.D
Clinical Psychologist Expert Interview. 15 December 2020.
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Share happy memories of the past. Talk about some of the good times you had with your friend to make your conversation fun and lively. Laugh about silly or embarrassing moments you shared together. [16] X Research source
- You may find that you and your friend quickly rekindle the bond that you shared.
- If your friendship ended on bad terms, you may want to wait until your friend opens up a little more before you start cracking jokes about the past.
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Talk about your families. Update your friend on everything going on in your life, like your kids, pets, parents, and anybody else in your family. Ask them about their family as well to encourage them to talk about themselves so you can keep the conversation going and learn more about their lives. [17] X Research source
- Pay attention to the cues your friend gives as well. For instance, if they got a divorce, don’t press them on the issue and try to ask about something else if they seem uncomfortable.
- People love to talk about themselves, so asking questions about their friends and family can help prevent awkward silences.
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Be honest about your intention to reconnect. Try to be direct about why you’re reaching out to your friend to reconnect with them now. Let them know what you hope to accomplish so they know what your intentions are. [18] X Research source
- For instance, if you thought about them recently and missed them, let them know! Tell them that you miss talking to them and you hope you can stay in touch.
- If you’re trying to make amends for something, be honest about it. Tell your friend that you’re sorry about the way things ended and you hope you can make up for it.
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Acknowledge any previous conflicts without pointing fingers. If there’s some tension or negative history with your friend, don’t ignore or try to avoid it in the conversation. Instead, address it, but don’t blame them and recognize your own role in what caused your friendship to sour. [19] X Research source
- Discussing the conflict is the only way for you and your friend to get past it so you can work on rebuilding your friendship.
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Make plans to talk or get together and stick to them. Commit to rekindling your relationship with your friend. Set a future time for the two of you to talk again or get together in person to hang out and catch up. Show your friend that you’re serious about reconnecting with them by following through with the plans you make. [20] X Research source
- If you’re able to meet up, try going to a restaurant, bar, or cafe so you can relax and enjoy each other’s company.
- If you can’t get together, try setting up a regular phone call or video chat so you can stay in touch.
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Expert Q&A
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QuestionWhat should you do when a friend sees your message but doesn't reply?Dr. Lena Dicken is a Clinical Psychologist based in Santa Monica, California. With over eight years of experience, Dr. Dicken specializes in therapy for anxiety, depression, life transitions, and relationship difficulties. She utilizes an integrative approach combining Psychodynamic, Cognitive Behavioral, and Mindfulness-based therapies. Dr. Dicken holds a BS in Integrative Medicine from the University of Hawaii at Manoa, an MA in Counseling Psychology from Argosy University Los Angeles, and a Doctor of Psychology (Psy.D) in Clinical Psychology from the Chicago School of Professional Psychology at Westwood. Dr. Dicken’s work has been featured in GOOP, The Chalkboard Magazine, and in numerous other articles and podcasts. She is a licensed psychologist with the state of California.Try to give your friend the benefit of the doubt. If you'd like, shoot them a message acknowledging that you've had some trouble getting in touch, and remind them that you're there if they need anything.
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Tips
- If you haven’t talked to or heard from your friend in a really long time, try making a list with as much info as you can remember about them. Write down details like where they lived, who their parents and siblings are, where they went to school, and any other details that you can use to track them down.Thanks
- If you ever get stuck in a conversation, try asking questions.Thanks
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References
- ↑ https://www.greatseniorliving.com/articles/looking-for-old-friends
- ↑ https://www.nytimes.com/2020/06/02/smarter-living/should-you-reach-out-to-a-former-friend-right-now.html
- ↑ https://www.greatseniorliving.com/articles/looking-for-old-friends
- ↑ https://www.greatseniorliving.com/articles/looking-for-old-friends
- ↑ https://www.huffpost.com/entry/finding-old-friends_b_3972509
- ↑ https://www.huffpost.com/entry/finding-old-friends_b_3972509
- ↑ https://www.nytimes.com/2020/06/02/smarter-living/should-you-reach-out-to-a-former-friend-right-now.html
- ↑ https://www.nytimes.com/2020/06/02/smarter-living/should-you-reach-out-to-a-former-friend-right-now.html
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/lifetime-connections/202005/reaching-out-old-flames-and-former-friends
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/lifetime-connections/202005/reaching-out-old-flames-and-former-friends
- ↑ Lena Dicken, Psy.D. Clinical Psychologist. Expert Interview. 15 December 2020.
- ↑ Lena Dicken, Psy.D. Clinical Psychologist. Expert Interview. 15 December 2020.
- ↑ https://www.nytimes.com/2020/06/02/smarter-living/should-you-reach-out-to-a-former-friend-right-now.html
- ↑ https://www.thekitchn.com/expert-tips-for-avoiding-awkward-conversations-with-old-friends-233286
- ↑ Lena Dicken, Psy.D. Clinical Psychologist. Expert Interview. 15 December 2020.
- ↑ https://www.nytimes.com/2020/06/02/smarter-living/should-you-reach-out-to-a-former-friend-right-now.html
- ↑ https://www.fatherly.com/love-money/best-way-reach-out-old-friend-advice/
- ↑ https://www.rewire.org/reconnecting-with-old-friends/
- ↑ https://www.canadianliving.com/life-and-relationships/relationships/article/how-to-reconnect-with-old-friends
- ↑ https://www.canadianliving.com/life-and-relationships/relationships/article/how-to-reconnect-with-old-friends
About This Article
Article Summary
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Reconnecting with your old friends can be exciting, and with the internet, it’s never been easier to find them. The best way to reconnect is to just send your old friend a message to ask how they’re doing. Say something like, "Hey, long time, no speak. How are you doing?" Talk about mutual friends, old memories, and what you've both been doing since you last spoke. If they still live locally, invite them out for a drink to catch up in person. For more tips from our co-author, including how to keep the conversation going when you meet up with an old friend, read on!
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