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Expert advice on how to tell if he's just in lust with you
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He seems like the perfect lover and the two of you really just click. But at the same time, you feel like you don't know him very well. Does he really love you, or is it just lust? And how can you tell? We talked to matchmaker and certified life coach Christina Jay as well as licensed social worker, dating coach, and certified life coach Julianne Cantarella to get the skinny on signs that he's really in lust—as well as how to tell if he might be looking for more.
Signs of Lust
- He moves things along quickly and isn't interested in getting to know you.
- He doesn't reveal much about himself or introduce you to his friends.
- He isn't interested in spending time with you that doesn't involve sex.
- He only contacts you at the last minute and doesn't make plans.
Steps
Section 1 of 5:
15 Signs He's Lusting After You (But Not in Love)
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He wants the relationship to progress quickly. Did he claim he was falling in love with you on the second date? Maybe he proposed that you move in with him after you'd only known each other for a few weeks. Whatever the scenario, if it seems like he's in the driver's seat of your relationship and mashing the accelerator to the floor, that's likely lust. [1] X Research source
- Because his feelings are pretty fantasy-driven, he wants to get everything he can out of the relationship before reality comes crashing in again.
- He might even be telling you that he loves you, or that he's in love with you—but when you think about it, you'll realize he barely even knows you.
- Cantarella notes that "love grows over time, when you spend time with someone and get to know them and form a bond with them and... share experiences with them. Lust is really based on sexual attraction." If you're not taking the time to build those connections slowly, it's likely more about lust than love.
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He only wants to see you to have sex. Lust is based solely on physical attraction, so when he's spending time with you he wants to be making the most of that physical chemistry. He may make excuses if you ask him out on a more public outing or want to meet up for a more platonic reason. [2] X Research source
- For example, you might ask if he wants to go to pub trivia with you and your friends since one of your team members is sick, and he might claim that he already has plans. But later that night, he wants to come over to have sex.
- Jay notes that "if it's just physical, it is probably lust, especially if you have nothing else in common and have different life goals."
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He acts like he can't get enough of you. There's a streak of obsession that runs along with lust. You might think of lust as an urge or a craving—if he's lusting after you, that means he craves you constantly. [3] X Research source
- This might mean that he wants sexy selfies of you from time to time when the two of you can't be together. Or it might mean that he hits you up frequently for hookups.
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He doesn't plan or talk about the future with you. Lust is focused on the present, not the past or the future. If he's in lust, he's primarily interested in what the two of you have right now, not what you might have in the future. He's also likely not making any plans with you because he's just not certain if you'll still be a part of each other's lives in the long term.
- According to Jay, "lust usually lasts 3-6 months. It's short term and you have to see if you still have the same feelings with time."
- Cantarella agrees that if your relationship is based primarily on sexual attraction and "you don't share the same goals, the same values, and the same relationship vision," sexual attraction will only keep the relationship going for so long.
- Most people do want to get married, so if you've been together for awhile and he's not including you in any future plans, he might not think he'll fall in love with you.
- Reader Poll: We asked 288 wikiHow readers how they feel about marriage, and 74% said that they’d like to get married someday . [Take Poll]
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He doesn't introduce you to his family or friends. When it's just lust, he likely doesn't consider it a priority to integrate you into the rest of his life. He's probably not really thinking about being involved with you much outside the bedroom, so he's not interested in what his friends or family might think of you. [4] X Research source
- If you're interested in meeting his friends and family or getting to know him better outside the bedroom, this is something you might bring up.
- For example, you might say, "We've definitely been having some good times, but I'm curious to see what you're like when your clothes stay on. What if we got some friends together to go to the baseball game next week?"
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He reaches out at the last minute rather than planning dates. When you really care about someone, you want to talk to them all the time, even if you're not necessarily planning to meet up. When he's just in lust, however, you typically won't hear from him unless he's free at a specific time and wants to hang out with you. [5] X Research source
- You likely won't hear from him otherwise and if you say that you're busy he'll probably stop texting you. You won't hear from him again until he's trying to hook up again.
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He's mainly concerned about appearances. You've never seen him when he wasn't freshly showered and clean. He always makes sure he looks great, even if the two of you are staying in for the evening. When you go out together, he's concerned about how the two of you look together. [6] X Research source
- Because lust is a physical urge, it's also pretty superficial. He's concerned about appearances because that's what started the lust, so he figures maintaining appearances will maintain the lust.
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He isn't curious about your life. His attraction to you is physical and may not extend much beyond that. He doesn't really ask you any questions about your background or interests. He also might zone out or try to change the subject if you start talking about some aspect of your life other than him, such as your family. [7] X Research source
- If he does listen to things you tell him about your life, he won't ask questions and might not even remember that you told him later—both of which can be signs of disinterest.
- Keep in mind that this doesn't mean that he's not interested in you at all. It just means that he's currently more interested in this ideal he's projected onto you than in who you really are underneath that.
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He never seems to text you first. If he was really interested in you as a person and interested in spending time with you, he'd likely reach out more often. But if he's in lust, he's essentially viewing you as a sex object who will satisfy those needs. [8] X Research source
- He might initiate something if he's sending a late-night text to see if you're available. But otherwise, he's not likely to text you unless you text him first.
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He never spends the night with you. If he always goes home, even late in the evening, it's likely that all he's feeling is lust. Sleeping together is a pretty intimate thing, as is waking up with someone. By going home, he's likely telling you that he's not there yet. [9] X Research source
- This is a lot more likely if you never spend the night at his place either—especially if you don't feel welcome spending the night or if he's politely asked you to leave.
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He withholds information about his life. A man who is only infatuated or in lust with you is going to present you with a carefully curated version of himself. He shares with you all of his favorite things about himself, all of the things he's proud of, but he's not going to tell you anything about him that makes him feel ashamed or embarrassed. Those things would burst the bubble of his fantasy. [10] X Research source
- If you're curious about his life and want to get to know him better, get the ball rolling by asking him questions and see how he responds. You might open the door to a deeper connection.
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He isn't interested in discussing emotions with you. When he's in lust, he prefers to keep your relationship as a fantasy—that means real feelings don't have any place. He likely feels that the relationship is perfect just the way it is, so there's no need to muddy things up with complex emotional issues. [11] X Research source
- This includes not only how you feel about him but also how you feel in general. For example, he might stop texting you if you tell him that you had a bad day and are feeling really frustrated.
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He seems more interested in sex than conversation. Do you find that he turns any conversation you try to start into a way to flirt with you or make some sexual innuendo? Is he quick with a compliment on your appearance as soon as you bring up a nonsexual topic? It's likely that what he's feeling is lust. [12] X Research source
- Because he has so sexualized you in his mind, he's going to find it really difficult to concentrate on anything with you that isn't sexually related.
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He won't compromise when you argue. If he only cares about his physical attraction to you, he's only going to be interested in things at a surface level—and on the surface, everything looks perfect. A man in lust isn't likely to be interested in meeting your needs outside the bedroom. [13] X Research source
- When the two of you get into disagreements, he might not see it as that big of a deal. If he's focused on lust, he'll see any disagreement as a distraction from the sexual attraction he really wants to experience.
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He doesn't respect your boundaries. In a healthy relationship built on love, you would both set boundaries and respect each other's boundaries. [14] X Trustworthy Source Mental Health Foundation UK charity working towards good mental health for all. Go to source If he's just in lust, though, he likely won't think twice about pushing your boundaries because he's more interested in what the two of you can do together right now, not what you might be building for the future.
- Not respecting your boundaries is a red flag and potentially a big deal, especially if you want to build a deeper relationship with him.
- Even if it's only lust, make sure you enforce your boundaries and don't let him get away with something you wouldn't allow someone else to get away with.
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References
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/in-flux/202106/5-ways-to-tell-that-its-love-and-not-just-infatuation
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/emotional-freedom/201108/lust-vs-love-do-you-know-the-difference
- ↑ https://www.powerofpositivity.com/not-love-lust-signs/
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/toxic-relationships/202005/healthy-love-vs-addiction-10-signs-addictive-love
- ↑ https://www.powerofpositivity.com/not-love-lust-signs/
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/in-flux/202106/5-ways-to-tell-that-its-love-and-not-just-infatuation
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/in-flux/202106/5-ways-to-tell-that-its-love-and-not-just-infatuation
- ↑ https://www.powerofpositivity.com/not-love-lust-signs/
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/emotional-freedom/201108/lust-vs-love-do-you-know-the-difference
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/in-flux/202106/5-ways-to-tell-that-its-love-and-not-just-infatuation
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/emotional-freedom/201108/lust-vs-love-do-you-know-the-difference
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/emotional-freedom/201108/lust-vs-love-do-you-know-the-difference
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/toxic-relationships/202005/healthy-love-vs-addiction-10-signs-addictive-love
- ↑ https://www.mentalhealth.org.uk/our-work/public-engagement/healthy-relationships/top-tips-building-and-maintaining-healthy-relationships
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/emotional-freedom/201108/lust-vs-love-do-you-know-the-difference
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/love-and-sex-in-the-digital-age/202001/healthy-lust-vs-unhealthy-lust
- ↑ https://www.powerofpositivity.com/not-love-lust-signs/
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/love-and-sex-in-the-digital-age/202001/healthy-lust-vs-unhealthy-lust
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