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Expert advice on how to move on after a breakup
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Breakups are one of the most difficult but inescapable parts of life, and they can feel neverending when you’re in the middle of them. We're here to guide you through the ups and downs you'll go through. We even interviewed relationship experts to help you understand each phase of a breakup and how to get yourself through them. Healing is never linear, so you may circle back to some of these stages more than once, but you’ll always end up in the same place: moving on.
Things You Should Know
- The main stages of a breakup are similar to the 5 stages of grief: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance.
- You may experience other stages like “relapse” (i.e., going back to your ex) or “distraction” (i.e., doing anything to not think about your breakup).
- There is no one order to go through these phases, and not all of them apply to every person or every breakup.
Steps
Section 1 of 2:
Phases of a Breakup
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Deciding to end the relationship Coming technically before the breakup, this stage might see you swiveling back and forth between wanting to end the relationship and wanting to stay in it. Most relationships have good and bad days, and it’s difficult to know when a relationship is really at its end . [1] X Research source
- When preparing for an impending breakup , sex and relationship psychologist Sarah Schewitz asks her clients to consider whether they’ve done their due diligence in repairing their relationship, such as seeing a couples counselor.
- Friends and family can also help you work through the pros and cons of your relationship and whether you are repeating any of your own ambivalent or commitment-phobic patterns from past relationships.
- If you feel like you want this relationship to work but you’re just not getting along, Schewitz names that as “the place where you should probably reach out for help and acknowledge that you don’t have the skills to fix [the relationship].”
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Shock If you were the one who was broken up with, you may have felt like you never saw it coming. You likely (and understandably) feel confused and upset and will spend a lot of time trying to understand what happened. You may obsess over your ex-partner’s explanation for the breakup or what you may have done wrong to cause this. [2] X Research source
- Reach out to family and friends for support and safe places to vent, and speak to your therapist if you have one.
- Consider if you were even getting what you needed out of the relationship.
- Clinical psychologist Sarah Schewitz invites clients in similar situations to question if there was “ever a strong connection or a strong love there, or did you sort of rationalize yourself into this relationship by thinking [they’ll] be a good partner because of this quality or that quality.”
- It’s okay to feel upset right now. But try to accept that this breakup happened for a reason, probably because this person wasn’t right for you!
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Remembering the good times Immediately after the breakup, you may suddenly be overwhelmed by feelings that your ex was the most perfect person that ever lived ( hint: they probably weren’t ). You broke up for a reason, but it’s easy to focus on your happiest times together and conveniently forget all the challenges you faced. [3] X Research source
- You may even feel guilty or regretful about the breakup and consider getting back with your ex .
- Reflecting on the positive parts of your relationship may help with the angry stage of your breakup. However, you should also write down the negative parts to remind yourself of them.
- Ask yourself if you were arguing all the time, felt disrespected, or weren’t making time for friends and your career while with your ex.
- Clinical Lena Dicken encourages people to question if this was “really the relationship for you? Or were you just really attached to this person? If you really liked them a lot, but you knew that it wasn't a good relationship, it's helpful to remind yourself...why it wasn't working.”
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Denial The denial phase of a breakup may feel like numbness or an inability to accept that your relationship is over. You may feel almost emotionless or have a false hope that you’ll get back together with your ex. In reality, your brain is just trying to protect you from the intensity of your feelings. [4] X Research source
- During the denial or numbness phase, you may find yourself reaching out to your ex, trying to hang out with them, or not respecting their boundaries.
- Focus on yourself and invest in self-care. Try out a new exercise class, read a new book series, or have weekly solo spa nights .
- Combat the numbness of this stage by letting yourself feel all your emotions. Keep a journal , find creative outlets like writing poetry or painting , and let yourself cry and vent to loved ones.
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Anger Eventually, you will feel anger about your breakup. You’re no longer denying what happened but looking back and feeling angry, resentful, or frustrated about how your relationship ended or how your ex behaved. Keep in mind that anger is a healthy emotion to feel right now—as long as it doesn’t consume you. [5] X Research source
- Channel your anger into physical outlets like going to a rage room or even punching a pillow.
- If you feel like your anger is getting out of control, try calming activities like taking a hot bath or listening to soothing music.
- Be patient with and kind to yourself. Marriage and family therapist Moshe Ratson stresses the overwhelming and brutal loss of a relationship ending, saying that “anger is a normal emotion to experience when we go through a breakup.”
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Bargaining During the bargaining stage, you may start to live in the world of “what ifs.” What if you had handled that situation differently? What if you could accept that thing your ex did that made you miserable? In a way, you’re returning to the denial stage—this time, you know it’s over but are willing to do anything to change that. [6] X Research source
- Reassess the facts of why your relationship ended and reach out to a close friend if you need help reminding yourself of what those are.
- Remember that both you and your ex contributed to this relationship—there’s no one thing that one of you could have done differently to change things.
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Sadness As the emotional stage that probably first springs to mind when you think of a breakup, sadness is a huge part of the breakup process. According to dating coach Amy Chan, “Feeling sad and missing your ex after a breakup is natural. The same flood of chemicals that cause you to be blissfully in lust during the beginning stages of love are the same chemicals that cause you to painfully suffer when it ends.”
- The best thing you can do during this time is “feel all the feelings,” affirms Sarah Schewitz, the founder of therapy service Couples Learn .
- As Schewitz describes it, “There is a true grieving process that happens in a breakup just like if you lost somebody to death. When a loved one dies, you go through those five stages of grief, and when you go through a breakup, you also go through those five stages of grief. So let yourself feel it.”
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Social media cleanse Then comes the age-old question: should you block your ex on social media? Or even more pressingly, do you delete the photos of you together from your grid? Amy Chan, founder of the Renew Breakup Bootcamp, says yes.
- “Delete old messages, photos, unfollow your ex’s accounts and even better, take a break from social media all together,” advises Chan. “Block their number if you have to, so you don’t obsess about your ex not contacting you.”
- Sex and relationship psychologist Sarah Schewitz agrees with Chan in the scenario that contact with your ex is likely to lead to a hookup (also known as the relapse stage of a breakup).
- However, Schewitz maintains that “if you need to reach out every once in a while and say ‘I’m sad’ and just that,...that's fine.”
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Withdrawal This stage may feel like a depressive episode—you’ll feel gloomy and exhausted, often choosing to be alone rather than spend time with others. You’re effectively isolating yourself and feeling drained by the prospect of putting yourself out there again. [7] X Research source
- You may feel unworthy of a relationship and feel like you’ll be alone forever.
- This is a tough one—but almost everyone has been (or will be) in this emotional stage at least once in their lives.
- Taking some time out is okay, but continue engaging with close friends and important hobbies or activities.
- Seek help from your best friend or find a professional counselor who you can talk through things with.
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Relapse After a heartbreak, you may find yourself going back to the thing that broke your heart in the first place. Sometimes, a relapse may actually work out if you and your ex have taken time to reflect and work on the issues that broke you up initially. Other times, however, a relapse is just a way of seeking comfort before breaking up or parting ways again. [8] X Research source
- Clinical psychologist Sarah Schewitz observes that sometimes people benefit from time to grow, and you “could fall back in love with somebody that went through a process like that and came back into your life.”
- Expert relationship coach Amy Chan argues that the relapse stage is unlikely to turn into a stable relationship, especially if you’re entering into it casually.
- ”While you may think you are just having casual breakup sex,” Chan continues, “you are establishing an emotional bond whether you like it or not…Sex with the ex is prohibiting those bonds to break, keeping you more attached and addicted.”
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Distraction Distracting yourself after a breakup can be a positive or negative stage. You may distract yourself with positive things, like new interests, physical activity, or hanging out with friends—all of which are great tools after a relationship ends. However, be wary of using destructive behaviors to distract yourself from your pain.
- Avoid risky behaviors like drinking heavily, taking drugs, making irresponsible financial decisions, or over-exercising.
- Potentially unhealthy distractions can also include dating. If the only reason “you are dating is to distract yourself from pain from your breakup, you are not ready,” asserts Amy Chan, the author of Breakup Bootcamp.
- Chan continues to explain her reasoning, saying, "If the root of any of your actions is from a low vibrational state (anger, fear, anxiety), you will inevitably create a low vibrational outcome.”
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Acceptance and moving on This is everyone’s favorite breakup stage, and for good reason! Acceptance means that you’ve worked through the major stages of breakup grief and are ready to move forward. You’ll still have moments where you feel sad or have regrets about the relationship. But you'll have many more moments where you’re embracing and moving toward your new future.
- As dating coach Amy Chan puts it, moving on means that you’ve processed the emotions of a relationship in a healthy way.
- You’ll know you’re in this stage, states Chan, “when you’ve accepted the reality as is. You’ve stopped hoping for someone to change, trying to control the situation, and have truly surrendered to what is reality.”
- Similarly, marriage and family therapist Moshe Ratson says that moving on from a broken heart is all about seeing “the good in a ‘bad’ situation—finding meaning, purpose, learning, and growth” out of the end of your relationship.”
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Getting back out there At this stage, you may be ready to start dating again—and not just as a way to get over your ex as you may have back in the distraction stage. “The reason for getting back together after a breakup or developing a new relationship should not be because you are lonely,” says marriage and family therapist Moshe Ratson.
- Rather, you’ll know you’re ready to date again when you feel fully moved on from your ex and have had time to reflect on your relationship and your role in its ending.
- Try not to rush yourself back into dating. Clinical psychologist Lena Dicken encourages her clients to be single for some time.
- As Dicken describes it, people who date back-to-back “are probably really uncomfortable with feeling the grief of the loss of the last relationship.”
- Take your time before getting back out there, following Dicken’s advice to “have the time not only to grieve and to heal but also to really figure out who they are and who they want to be with.”
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Comparison dating When you first start dating again, it can be difficult to stop comparing new potential partners to your ex—even if you’ve fully accepted and moved on from the breakup. It’s hard to feel like you have to start over, and you may feel like nobody will understand you or love you like your former flame did. [9] X Research source
- This habit is normal, but it’s still worth interrogating so that you can move forward with someone new who’s right for you.
- Take some advice from relationship expert Amy Chan, who confirms that “the idea of a one and only soulmate is a myth. There is more than one person out there for you.”
- But Chan understands the feeling of thinking there’s nobody like your ex, which “maybe is true: you won’t find someone who’s just like your ex, but you will find someone who is amazing in their own ways, and you’ll find new special things together.”
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Tips
- However, studies have shown that guys tend to feel more heartbroken than girls after a relationship ends, and they are more likely to suffer a drop in self-confidence. [10] X Research sourceThanks
- Everyone takes a different amount of time to get over a breakup. It could be a few weeks to two years before you feel fully healed, and it won’t always feel like a linear line.Thanks
- If you’re not over your breakup when you feel you should be, you may still “be figuring out the lessons and the blessings that came from” your relationship, says clinical psychologist Sarah Schewitz.Thanks
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References
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/basics/relationships/the-end-relationships
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/having-sex-wanting-intimacy/201610/how-get-over-being-blindsided-breakup
- ↑ https://www.thegirlfriend.com/relationships/why-youre-only-remembering-the-good-times-with-your-ex
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/me-we/201501/the-9-stages-grieving-breakup-no-2-denial
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/me-we/201406/the-7-stages-grieving-breakup
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/me-we/201406/the-7-stages-grieving-breakup
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/a-deeper-wellness/202401/breaking-bad-how-to-break-up-with-the-habit-of-being-alone
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/me-we/201501/the-9-stages-grieving-breakup-no-6-relapse
- ↑ https://www.cnbc.com/2023/07/29/relationship-therapist-healthy-ways-to-compare-a-new-partner-to-an-ex.html
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