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A step-by-step guide to ending a relationship with someone you love
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Breaking up with a significant other can be upsetting for both parties, but there are ways to go about it that will help you treat the other person with respect and prevent you from feeling unnecessary stress. We spoke with Marriage and Family Therapist Moshe Ratson to better understand how to break up with someone respectfully. Read on to learn more about deciding what to do, making the split, and moving on to better, brighter things.
How to End Your Relationship Respectfully
- Understand your reasons for wanting to break up.
- Choose when and where to meet in person.
- Plan what you’re going to say.
- Stay calm and respectful but firm during the conversation.
- Be prepared for your partner’s reaction.
- Give them and yourself a little distance afterward.
Steps
Section 1 of 3:
Ending the Relationship
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Schedule time to have the breakup discussion. It’s best and most respectful to end your relationship in person and discuss your reasoning. Scheduling some time in a quiet place that will allow you and your partner to be alone can help make the process easier and minimize intrusive interruptions. [1] X Research source .
- Consider scheduling time that is not during the work or school week so the person can begin to mourn the relationship in private without having to face others immediately. [2] X Research source
- You may want to signal your partner or significant other about the nature of the conversation so that they can prepare themselves and don’t feel blindsided. [3] X Research source For example, say something like “I’d like to talk about the status of our relationship in a calm and peaceful manner.”
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Choose an appropriate location to break up. Have the conversation privately to prevent the risk of embarrassing yourself or the other person. In addition, pick a place you can leave easily so that you don’t get into a protracted or circuitous conversation. [4] X Research source
- If you feel unsafe with your partner, break up in public or bring someone who can back you up without being confrontational.
- If you and your significant other live together, breaking up can be particularly problematic and stressful. It is up to you whether or not you move out immediately or take your time.
- If you don't feel safe or comfortable staying in the home you share with your partner, arrange for a place to stay before you have the talk. Move all of your stuff while they are not home and then break up when they come home or break up and leave with some of your things, then plan to come back when things have calmed down.
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Plan what you want to say during the breakup conversation. Consider what to say to the person. Having a basic plan for your conversation can help you avoid becoming over-emotional and keep you on track. It may also make it easier for you not to hurt the person any more than necessary. [5] X Research source
- The actual break-up conversation may last longer than you expect, especially if your partner is devastated or completely surprised by your decision. Many conversations can go around in circles, so consider giving it a time limit. [6] X Research source
- Be honest with the person, but not mean or brutal. Try to be as honest as possible without hurting the other person’s feelings. “While it might be difficult to share your true feelings and reasons for the breakup, in the long run, it will hurt your partner more if you don’t acknowledge the real issues involved. At the same time, it’s also important to recognize when too much honesty can be counterproductive,” advises Ratson. You may want to consider telling the person what first attracted you to them or highlight some of his good qualities as you discuss why you no longer want to stay in the relationship. [7] X Research source
- For example, you can say, “I was really attracted to your outgoing personality and kindness when we were first together, but I am afraid we have different goals that make it difficult to continue as a couple.”
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Break up in person if it’s safe. Although it may be easier to break up with someone if you don't have to look them in the eye, ending a relationship by phone, text, or email is impersonal and disrespectful. Ratson says, “Breakups by text may be common these days, but if the relationship was meaningful to you, it’s respectful to break up in person.” Unless you're in a long-distance relationship and choose not to wait until you see the person again or are afraid of the other person, give the person the respect they and your former relationship deserve. [8] X Research source
- Breaking up in person can also help the person realize you are serious about ending the relationship. [9] X Research source
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Maintain your composure and respect your partner while you talk. Sit down with your partner and tell them you've decided to end the relationship. Approach the break-up as calmly and respectfully as possible, with a sense of resolution, which may help make a bad situation seem slightly less negative and devastating. [10] X Research source
- Don’t badmouth the person or say things you may regret. Remember that this can come back and hurt you in the long run. [11] X Research source For example, you wouldn’t want to say, “I think your personal hygiene is terrible, and it disgusts me to be with you.” Instead, say, “I think we just have different styles of living that are not compatible with one another.”
- Avoid being overly emotional. This can help minimize any feelings of guilt you may have and can also help you stay resolute in your decision. [12] X Research source
- Say, “I think you’re a fine person with many really great qualities that will make someone happy, but they’re just not compatible with what I envision in a relationship.”
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Focus on the relationship issues, not the person. Talk about what isn't working for you in the relationship rather than telling the other person what is wrong with them. “Own your decision and acknowledge that it’s what you want, rather than blaming it on circumstances or your partner,” Ratson suggests. Talking about them personally can worsen an already devastating situation. [13] X Research source
- For instance, instead of saying, "You're clingy and insecure," try saying, "I need a lot of independence and freedom in my relationships." [14] X Research source
- Don’t put the reasons for breaking up on the person, either. For example, saying “You deserve more” allows your partner to say that you are perfect for them and that there is no reason to split up. [15] X Research source Instead, say, “I feel like we’re on different paths in life. I want a career in academia that requires a lot of travel and time alone.”
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Try to avoid giving your partner false hope. Certain open-ended phrases and words can leave false hope in the person about getting back together. Ratson says to “be clear about your reasons for breaking up. Avoid vagueness. Show your partner the respect and integrity needed for closure.” Leaving the door open for them can only hurt them and you more. [16] X Research source
- Making statements such as “we’ll talk later” or “I want to be friends/I want you in my life” leave the door open for the person to hope things will work out in the end, even if you’ve decided they won’t. [17] X Research source
- Tell them nicely you can’t have any contact going forward. You may want to tell them this is the best thing for both of you to allow time to heal. [18] X Research source
- If you want to stay friends , set the parameters for this in your conversation. You may both realize that breaking up is best for your relationship, but you still enjoy one another’s company. However, be very clear in your expectations and needs for the friendship.
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Anticipate your partner's reactions to the breakup. [19] X Research source Prepare to counter your partner's arguments, reactions, and outbursts. This can help you stick to your decision and may minimize potential manipulation by the person. Prepare for:
- Questions Your partner will likely want to know why you don't want to be with them anymore and whether there was anything they could have done to prevent the breakup. Answer the questions as honestly as possible.
- Crying Your partner may be very upset and show it. Offer comfort, but don't allow yourself to be manipulated into changing your decision. [20] X Research source
- Arguing Your partner may dispute anything you've said during the breakup, including dissecting examples you used in your reasons for breaking up. Don't get dragged into a fight about petty details that don't matter in the bigger picture. Let your partner know that arguing isn't going to change your decision. If they try to argue with you, simply say, “I’m not going to get involved in an argument and will walk away if you continue.”
- Bargaining or begging Your partner may offer to change or to do things differently to preserve the relationship. If the person didn't change when you discussed your problems in the past, it's too late to expect them to truly change now.
- Lashing out Your partner may say hurtful things and "push your buttons" to feel better. For example, if your partner calls you a nasty name, simply acknowledge it and move on. Say, “I can tell you are very angry with me, but I will not tolerate being called nasty names, so maybe we need to end this conversation.” Threats of physical harm or escalations are serious. If this happens, leave immediately.
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Section 2 of 3:
What to Do After the Breakup
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Give your ex space to deal with the breakup. This is one of the most difficult but important parts of a breakup. Minimize contact with your ex and his friends to help prevent feelings of guilt over their sadness or give them false hope.
- If you have children with the person, you may be unable to distance yourself completely. Keep your relationship as civil as possible when you run into them, and put the well-being of your children first.
- It may help to delete the person’s number from your phone and their email from your computer.
- If you live together, move out as quickly as possible. If you can't move permanently, find somewhere to keep your stuff and somewhere to stay for the short term. Allowing them to hold on to your belongings prolongs the entanglement and complicates the process.
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Try to be friends again if you both want that. After a while, you may find you can be friends with the person. This can usually only happen after they have come to terms with the fact that you are not getting back together. If they’re able to move on and want to become friends again, set parameters for the friendship and any future relationship.EXPERT TIPMarriage & Family TherapistMoshe Ratson is the Executive Director of spiral2grow Marriage & Family Therapy, a coaching and therapy clinic in New York City. Moshe is an International Coach Federation accredited Professional Certified Coach (PCC). He received his MS in Marriage and Family Therapy from Iona College. Moshe is a clinical member of the American Association of Marriage and Family Therapy (AAMFT), and a member of the International Coach Federation (ICF).
Our Expert Agrees: Allow yourself to feel the pain from a breakup without judgment. The sooner you accept those feelings, the sooner you release the pain. Then, move away from blame and start to empower yourself by finding meaning, purpose, and growth in the situation.
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Take time to process your own feelings. Even when you’re the person who initiates the breakup, you may need time to grieve the relationship. This is especially true if it was a long-term relationship or you broke up due to conflicting life goals. Tell yourself it’s normal to have these feelings and give yourself whatever time you need to work through your emotions. [21] X Research source
- Grief is a necessary reaction to any type of loss. It can cause both emotional and physical symptoms, like sadness, anger, fatigue, sleep disturbances, and low appetite.
- While grief may not be fun, it’s a part of the healing process. Facing your grief and working through it helps you shift your perspective and feel better.
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Focus on making healthy changes. Getting healthy is a great way to help yourself feel better on a daily basis. Go for a walk outside or join a gym. Shoot for 30 minutes of exercise every day to strengthen your body and release feel-good hormones that can lower your stress levels. [22] X Trustworthy Source National Health Service (UK) Public healthcare system of the UK Go to source
- Resist the urge to use alcohol to dull your feelings of sadness. In many cases, alcohol can make you feel even more depressed. [23] X Trustworthy Source Mental Health Foundation UK charity working towards good mental health for all. Go to source
- Yoga is another great way to focus on your health as you work through your emotions because it helps you sleep better, lightens your mood, and helps manage stress. [24] X Trustworthy Source Johns Hopkins Medicine Official resource database of the world-leading Johns Hopkins Hospital Go to source
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Section 3 of 3:
Deciding to Break Up
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Avoid making a rash decision. It’s important to consider your decision when you are not emotionally upset and can think clearly. This helps you avoid making an impulsive decision you may regret and minimize pain for the other person. [25] X Research source
- It’s more difficult to problem solve when you’re emotionally upset, and this may contribute to making irrational decisions. [26] X Research source
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Clarify for yourself why you want to break up. It’s important to clarify your reasons for breaking up for your own peace of mind and so you can give the other person concrete answers. This helps you distinguish between simple road bumps in a relationship and more serious, irreconcilable issues between you and your partner. [27] X Research source
- Only you can decide which issues are irreconcilable issues and what you can overcome. For example, if your partner doesn’t treat others well or doesn’t want children, these are often factors that cannot be changed. On the other hand, a person’s unwillingness to help around the house may be something they can amend.
- Every couple has arguments, but if those spats are constant and ugly, it may suggest deeper issues and incompatibility. [28] X Research source
- If you're in an emotionally or physically harmful relationship, it’s usually a clear sign to end the partnership. [29] X Research source
- Not all abuse is physical. If you suspect you may be in a controlling or emotionally abusive relationship, learn the signs of an abusive relationship and talk to a counselor.
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Compose a list of positives and negatives. Consider writing a list of reasons you want to end your relationship. You may also want to include positives and negatives about your partner and the interactions and relationship you share. [30] X Research source
- Seeing the positive parts of your relationship on paper may help you to focus on these instead of the negativity that may come along with the feelings you currently have. [31] X Research source
- A list may also help you avoid ending the relationship because “it feels like the right thing to do.” [32] X Research source
- Remember that any type of abuse is a clear reason to end a relationship. [33] X Research source
- Looking at the list and thinking it through, ask yourself if the relationship is more destructive to your life than enhancing it. [34] X Research source
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Decide if change is possible and will help the relationship. If you're simply upset with your partner, consider if there is a way to change the dynamic in your relationship. Before making a final decision, you may want to focus on resolving issues rather than simply ending the relationship as the first solution. If change is an option, see whether or not your partner is willing and able to change. [35] X Research source
- If you’ve already discussed without experiencing any changes for the better, and you keep feeling unsatisfied, hurt, or betrayed, breaking up might be the only way to end the pattern. [36] X Research source
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Communicate your frustrations to your partner. Before making a final break, discuss your frustrations and thoughts about where the relationship is going with your partner. Give them the chance to make changes for the better. If you eventually decide to end the relationship, this may make it seem less abrupt and soften the blow because you'll have already voiced your frustration. [37] X Research source
- Bottling up your feelings often leads to blowing up or expressing your emotions in inappropriate ways. [38] X Research source
- Try to respectfully and calmly tell your partner what is bothering you. Avoid shouting, abuse, or blaming. Ratson shares that it’s always best to take the high road and have compassion.
- If your partner has cheated on or harmed you in some way, you may consider these irreconcilable differences that don’t deserve communicating your frustration or giving the person a chance to change.
- If you fear for your safety or the safety of children or pets, talking to your partner may not be the best step. Contact a domestic violence program in your area or reach out to the National Domestic Violence Hotline for help in creating a safety plan.
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Establish a reasonable timetable for change. Avoid getting into an endless cycle of hoping for your partner to change and experiencing disappointment. Setting a time limit for any changes you ask of your partner can help make your decision easier in the long run.
- You may or may not tell your partner about your timetable. Issuing ultimatums by saying, "If you quit smoking by next month, we can stay together," can lead partners to agree in the short term before going back to their old ways in the near future.
- If you give an ultimatum, make sure it’s helpful. In most cases, ultimatums don’t work. However, it may be necessary for your relationship to remain tenable. For example, say, “I need to see you make an effort to quit or significantly reduce your smoking habit for this to work.” Issuing ultimatums such as “You need to want to have children” will likely never work and only cause harm and feelings of guilt. [39] X Research source
- For some people, changing long-established behaviors can take a while. For example, it can take smokers months or years to quit their habit. Give your partner time to make a concerted effort to change their behavior.
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Share your doubts about your relationship with a trusted person. Discuss your feelings with someone you trust if you have difficulty clarifying what you want. The simple act of talking about your issues can help you figure out where you stand. The trusted individual may also be able to add some perspective on your partner’s behavior…or yours. [40] X Research source
- Your trusted person can be a friend, family member, counselor, or healthcare professional.
- Make sure the person won’t betray your confidence or discuss the issue with any outside parties, and ask them not to treat your partner differently. [41] X Research source
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Make your final decision whether to break up or not. After you’ve considered the various dynamics of your relationship, discussed them with your partner, and given your relationship a second chance if applicable, make a final decision on the fate of your relationship. [42] X Research source This can help you begin to move on and plan for a respectful and honest breakup with your partner or focus on healing your relationship further. [43] X Research source
- Remember that your decision is based on what is best for you—and nothing else. [44] X Research source
EXPERT TIPDating CoachCher Gopman is the Founder of NYC Wingwoman LLC, a date coaching service based in New York City. 'NYC Wingwoman' offers matchmaking, wingwoman services, 1-on-1 Coaching, and intensive weekend bootcamps. Cher is a Certified Life Coach, a former psychiatric nurse, and her work has been featured on Inside Edition, Fox, ABC, VH1, and The New York Post.Ask yourself, "Do they make me a better person? Do they make me happy? Do they make me better and stronger? Do they bring something amazing to the table for me?" If the answer to any of these questions is no, that might be a sign that it's time to break up. There might never be a perfect time to break up, but the longer you're in a relationship that isn't right for you, the more you miss out on someone who could be your perfect person.
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How Do You Break Up With Someone That You Love?
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QuestionHow do you process a breakup?Moshe Ratson is the Executive Director of spiral2grow Marriage & Family Therapy, a coaching and therapy clinic in New York City. Moshe is an International Coach Federation accredited Professional Certified Coach (PCC). He received his MS in Marriage and Family Therapy from Iona College. Moshe is a clinical member of the American Association of Marriage and Family Therapy (AAMFT), and a member of the International Coach Federation (ICF).Allow yourself to feel the pain from a breakup without judgment. The sooner you can accept those feelings, the sooner you can release the pain. Then, you can move away from blame and start to empower yourself by finding meaning, purpose, and growth in the situation.
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QuestionIs breakup sex a good idea?Amy Chan is a Relationship Coach based in New York, New York. She is the Founder of Renew Breakup Bootcamp, a retreat that takes a scientific and spiritual approach to healing after the end of a relationship. She has over 12 years of experience helping clients work on their relationships with strategies rooted in the psychology and science of relationships and personal development. Her team of psychologists and coaches at Renew Breakup Bootcamp has helped hundreds of individuals, and the Bootcamp has been featured on CNN, Vogue, the New York Times, and Fortune. Her book based on her work, Breakup Bootcamp, was published in 2020 and was featured by the New York Times.No, absolutely not. Near the center of your brain lies the deep limbic system. This part of your brain sets the emotional tone, promotes bonding, and stores highly charged, emotional memories. It also modulates libido and motivation. Whenever you have sex, neurochemical changes occur in your brain that encourage emotional bonding. In other words, even if you think you're having casual sex, you're actually establishing an emotional bond.
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QuestionHow can I move on from my ex?Amy Chan is a Relationship Coach based in New York, New York. She is the Founder of Renew Breakup Bootcamp, a retreat that takes a scientific and spiritual approach to healing after the end of a relationship. She has over 12 years of experience helping clients work on their relationships with strategies rooted in the psychology and science of relationships and personal development. Her team of psychologists and coaches at Renew Breakup Bootcamp has helped hundreds of individuals, and the Bootcamp has been featured on CNN, Vogue, the New York Times, and Fortune. Her book based on her work, Breakup Bootcamp, was published in 2020 and was featured by the New York Times.Try to digitally detox from your ex by deleting old messages and photos. Also, unfollow your ex's social media accounts, or take a break from social media altogether. Instead of checking their social media feeds or looking at old photos, do something completely different, like calling a friend, going for a jog, or writing a letter of gratitude to someone you love.
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Tips
- Never break up in the heat of the moment. If the relationship is already broken beyond repair, that won't change once the argument is over and the anger has passed. Break up when you're both calm and can talk it over peacefully. That's when you have the best chance of closure.Thanks
- If you're sure you want to break up with somebody, it's best done sooner rather than later. However, if your partner has had a particularly bad day already, you may want to consider waiting for a better moment. Breaking up with them when they're already down will make the breakup much harder for both of you.Thanks
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Warnings
- Always take physical threats and violent relationships seriously. Remove yourself from the situation if possible, or contact the authorities if necessary.Thanks
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References
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About This Article
Article Summary
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To break up with someone in the least painful way possible, try to plan ahead before you do it. Break up with them in person, and choose a good location where you won’t be interrupted. Think of how your partner will react so you’ll be ready to console them and respond to any questions or arguments they have. For more break up help from our reviewer, including advice on how to decide if a break up is right for your relationship, keep reading.
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