How to Stop Being a Toxic Girlfriend: Ending Toxic Behavior in Your Relationship

Co-authored by Jay Reid, LPCC and Madeleine Flamiano

Last Updated: August 30, 2024 References

If you want to avoid being a toxic girlfriend, you’ve already made a huge step in the right direction. Criticism, anxiety, and a lack of trust all factor into a stressful relationship, so focus on supporting and uplifting your partner instead. Here, we'll provide a ton of expert-backed advice about how to bring joy and transparency to your dynamic. Review this list to learn how to change or prevent any toxic habits—you'll bring balance and peace to your love life.

1

List any patterns you want to change.

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Reflect on your habits and identify which ones you can adjust. It takes a lot of bravery to admit that you might have some toxic habits. You should feel proud of yourself for wanting to create a better situation. ^{[1]
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Expert Source

Jay Reid, LPCC
Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor

Expert Interview. 7 August 2020.} To move forward, reflect on how you may be adding to any instability in your relationship or draining your partner. ^{[2]
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Expert Source

Julia Lyubchenko, MS, MA
Adult Counselor & Certified Hypnotherapist

Expert Interview. 29 April 2020.} Also ask your S.O. for some insight—they might notice anything you weren’t aware of. ^{[3]
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Research source}
- Sit somewhere quiet, journal about behaviors of yours you’ve noticed, then open up a discussion with your partner. For example, you can say, “I feel like I need a lot of reassurance and reach out to you a lot—has it been disrupting you at work?” ^{[4]
 X
 Expert Source
 
 Mary Church, PhD
 Research & Clinical Psychologist
 
 Expert Interview. 6 August 2021.}
- Listen closely to what your S.O. says, then show sensitivity and offer a solution. You can answer with something like, “I totally see where you’re coming from. I take responsibility for the ways I’ve distracted you. I want to stick to talking to you outside of business hours.”

2

Show your partner love and appreciation.

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Instead of criticism, express everything you’re grateful for. ^{[5]
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Expert Source

Jay Reid, LPCC
Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor

Expert Interview. 7 August 2020.} If you find yourself about to talk about all your frustrations, stop and breathe deeply. Your S.O. probably won’t benefit from hearing all the behaviors or situations you’re bothered by. Instead, concentrate on what you love about your partner. ^{[6]
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Expert Source

Jin S. Kim, MA
Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist

Expert Interview. 14 May 2019.} Randomly compliment them and they’ll start to see you as a really positive person. ^{[7]
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Trustworthy Source
Association for Psychological Science
Nonprofit organization devoted promoting trustworthy research and education in the psychological sciences
Go to source}
- If you keep an upbeat attitude, your partner will want to spend more time with you.
- If you notice “green flags,” or things you like, you’ll train yourself to constantly discover what you adore about your partner. ^{[8]
 X
 Expert Source
 
 Julia Lyubchenko, MS, MA
 Adult Counselor & Certified Hypnotherapist
 
 Expert Interview. 29 April 2020.}
- Your S.O. will probably start to talk about how uplifting and supportive you are.

3

Express how your partner shows up for you.

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Recognize the effort they put into you. Even if you prefer a certain style of communication or any other form of validation, your S.O. is probably trying their best to make things work. Be specific about your partner’s actions and their positive intentions with comments like: ^{[9]
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Research source}
- “I respect that you call me every day so I have a chance to really catch up with you.”
- “I want to really honor the fact that you always come over when I’m struggling.”
- “I see how you make the time to give me a pep talk before every big presentation. I know you always want to encourage me.”

4

Tell your partner you trust them.

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They’ll know you respect their integrity. Make it clear that you’ve never doubted them. Say that you’re comfortable with any of their choices, like going out with friends, because they’ll always keep your agreements in mind. Thank them for how reliable they are with remarks like: ^{[10]
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Research source}
- “I know you’ll always do what’s right for both of us.”
- “I know you’re super honorable, honey. I’m not worried at all.”
- “There’s no need to check up on you! I have total trust in our relationship.”

5

Focus on clear communication.

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Honesty and transparency prevent any pent-up emotions. If an issue ever arises, just bring it up right away. Directly address anything you’d like to change—you’ll let your partner know what you’re a little sensitive about. ^{[11]
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Expert Source

Hyungbum Kang, MA, MSW, LCSW, MAC
Licensed Clinical Social Worker

Expert Interview. 26 July 2021.} Stay calm and use “I” statements—you’ll have a more productive and peaceful discussion. ^{[12]
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Trustworthy Source
HelpGuide
Nonprofit organization dedicated to providing free, evidence-based mental health and wellness resources.
Go to source}
- Prioritize face-to-face talks. It’s easier to see each other’s body language. You can also show each other affection by hugging or holding hands.
- Just focus on your feelings instead of blaming your partner. You can say something like, “I was bummed when I didn’t go to karaoke night with your friends, too. I thought I was part of their social circle.”
- Follow up with a way to get your needs met. You can make a comment like, “I would love another chance to hang out with everyone and be a part of things!”
- Set a cut-off time for your talk and enjoy each other’s company with something low-key afterward. For example, you can cuddle and watch a silly movie.
- Reader Poll: We asked 2698 wikiHow readers how they and their partner communicate during fights, and only 5% of them said they don’t fight. [Take Poll] It’s normal for couples to have arguments now and then, but to avoid toxic behavior, try to compromise and communicate openly and honestly.