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Humans talk about themselves roughly 30-40% of the time. That's a lot. Studies have shown that talking about ourselves is strongly associated with increased activity in the mesolimbic dopamine system, the same part of our brain that experiences pleasure through things like food, sex, and money. The good news is, knowing how our brains work and react is half the battle. Once you know the why, you can start controlling the how.
Steps
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Watch your vocabulary. If you're using the words I, me, and my in your conversation, then you may not be having a conversation. You may only be talking about yourself. Actively concentrate on this when you're speaking to others. [1] X Expert Source Lynda Jean
Certified Image Consultant Expert Interview. 17 November 2020. After all, the only way to stop a behavior is to recognize it.- An exception would be statements such as "I agree," or "I hear what you're saying," or "I would suggest approaching the issue this way." Using appropriate "I" statements show you're engaged and interested and recognize conversations are a two-way street.
- A great way to remember this is to keep a rubber band around your wrist. Every time you catch yourself using any of these words, snap the rubber band. It may hurt a little, but it's a proven psychological method. [2] X Research source
- Start practicing these steps when conversing with friends. Ask them to tell you if you've missed a step, as friends will always be the most supportive.
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Pay attention to whose story it is. If a person is telling you a story about something that happened to him, remember that it's their story, not yours. Remember, he's sharing something that's important to him.Advertisement
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Resist shifting the focus to you. This transition to the next phase is natural. After learning not to use "I," "me," and "mine," and instead replace them with "you" and "yours," it's only natural to work on conversational transitions. It's easy to fall into the trap of shifting focus to yourself.
- If your friend's telling you about her new SUV and how it makes her feel safe, don't immediately begin talking about how you prefer a more elegant vehicle and then go off about your Mercedes.
- Instead, try saying something like, "That's interesting. I prefer the safety, style, and elegance of a sedan. Do you think SUV's are safer than sedans?" This shows you're engaged and curious about your friend's opinion.
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Keep references to yourself brief. Sometimes within the course of the conversation, it's impossible not to talk about yourself. That's natural, however, you shouldn't be talking about yourself 100% of the time, yet you should be listening 100% of the time. When this happens, try redirecting the conversation away from yourself and putting the subject back on your conversation partner.
- For instance, if your friend asks what kind of car you drive, you may say something like: "I drive a hybrid. It really saves on gas and there are other perks like rebates and no parking meter fees. Have you ever thought about owning one?"
- This response keeps your position brief and throws the question back to your friend. In doing so, you've made your friend the conversation's gatekeeper.
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Find constructive ways to get your thoughts and opinions heard. It's important to be a good and active listener, but you need to express your own thoughts and opinions, too. If you are trying to lessen talking about yourself, try things like journaling, open mic events, and submitting essays or reports, which may provide the opportunity. This also encourages you to focus thoughtfully on what you want to say, rather than talking just for the sake of it. [3] X Research source
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Practice cooperation instead of competition. A conversation shouldn't be a struggle to see who gets to talk about themselves, or does the most talking. Think of it this way: when you were a kid, you took turns on toys or games. A conversation is the same thing. If it's your friend's turn, let him talk. You'll have your turn, since a conversation is a two-way-street, but allow your friend equal time to talk about himself, giving him your full attention. [4] X Research source
- Don't approach it as if trying to convince the person that your idea or way of seeing/doing things is right. Instead, try to learn and grow from what he's saying.
- Don't manipulate the conversation to serve your own agenda and steamroll your counterpart.
- Consider this approach: you're on the same team, trying to find an answer. Conversations like sports are more fun when you're interacting with each other, rather than against each other. [5] X Research source
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Look for what you can learn. There's an old saying, "you can't learn anything new if you're talking." You already know your perspective. To broaden, change, or confirm that point of view, you must let others state theirs.
- For example, when discussing dinner, you might say: "I prefer ordering tapas to entrees, because I get to taste a variety of the chef's offerings. Which do you prefer?" (Then, let them respond.) "That's interesting; why do you think that is?"
- Obviously your responses would depend on what the person says, but you can continue to probe her reasoning, so that you get a thorough understanding of why she thinks, feels, or believes what she does.
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Ask probing questions. [6] X Expert Source Lynda Jean
Certified Image Consultant Expert Interview. 17 November 2020. You can't talk about yourself if you're asking well-thought-out questions. It requires the other person to be the focal point. This takes “look for what you can learn, not say,” to an entirely new level. [7] X Research source- Not only does this keep your conversation partner as the focal point, it allows him to delve more deeply into his knowledge/feelings/beliefs which, in turn, strengthen the connection.
- Be in the moment, listening, when he answers your question. Invariably, this will lead to a mindset allowing further questions, resulting in a very positive experience for all involved.
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Show how the world looks through your eyes. This may sound like the exact opposite of what you're trying to learn, but there's a difference between talking about yourself and your world view.
- Try stating your opinion, such as "I see the two-party system as limiting our choices and narrowing the potential for alternative voices and points of view in our political system." Then follow this with something like: "How do you see this working in our government?"
- Once you've put your unique point of view out there, use what you've learned in your conversation thus far to get your conversation partner to expound on his viewpoint. Then probe his point of view with questions geared to learn more. This is how to converse about ideas on a higher level.
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Offer credit. Think of it like a credit card. How happy would the person you're talking to be if you gave them money for their guidance or opinion? They'd probably feel pretty good about themselves. They'd feel just as good if you gave them the credit.
- Thank the person for their recommendation or advice. If your friend recommends a restaurant, tell the people you're with, "X suggested we come here. Isn't it great?"
- Always give credit for success when it's warranted. If you did well on a project at work, you might say something like: "I have a great team working with me; they make it all happen."
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Compliment other people. It takes selflessness and an ability to recognize the strengths of others to do this. Doing so makes your conversation partner more engaged and feel good about speaking with you, because she knows you'll also be saying good things about her. [8] X Trustworthy Source Harvard Business Review Online and print journal covering topics related to business management practices Go to source Some examples of compliments include:
- "Doesn't Gina look stunning in that dress? Just incredible. And, it actually pales in comparison to her wit!"
- "I think Evelyn's thoughts on the global warming issue are incredibly insightful and full of potential solutions. Why don't we go join her? I think you'll find her fascinating."
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Engage in the art of listening. [9] X Expert Source Lynda Jean
Certified Image Consultant Expert Interview. 17 November 2020. Listening, really listening, is an art. It requires you to let go of yourself and your thoughts, and focus solely on what the other person is saying. This effort allows you to truly melt away. Your need to talk about yourself dissipates, then disappears.- Make a pact with yourself that you won't speak unless your conversation partner puts the ball in your court. Then make another pact: you'll put the ball right back to her and go back to listening.
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Try active listening techniques. This means fully concentrating on what the other person is saying and requires you respond to the speaker by paraphrasing or restating his main point(s). [10] X Research source
- You can also add a little something when you finish paraphrasing by using different phrases: which means that; so then; that would require; you would then; etc., and then add your thoughts on what happens next.
- Non-verbal cues like nodding your head, smiling, and other facial/physical expressions let the other person know you're engaged and have feelings about everything he's saying.. [11] X Trustworthy Source HelpGuide Nonprofit organization dedicated to providing free, evidence-based mental health and wellness resources. Go to source
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Ask questions. [12] X Expert Source Lynda Jean
Certified Image Consultant Expert Interview. 17 November 2020. Additional questions that give your conversation partner more time to talk about her subject are also key, and there are several different types, including: [13] X Trustworthy Source PubMed Central Journal archive from the U.S. National Institutes of Health Go to source- Closed questions. These are often “yes or no” questions. They're answered in one way or the other, and the line of questioning stops there.
- Open-ended questions. These give your conversation partner ample room to expand on what she's already been talking about and gives you a more well-rounded knowledge of her subject. These questions often start with phrases like: "How do you see..." or "What/why do you think..."
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Validate what your conversation partner says. It depends on the situation and topic you've been talking about. Think of it as either a personal or general validation. [14] X Research source
- You (Personal): "Wow, it takes a lot of courage to look at yourself so openly and admit things like that."
- You (General): "That is one of the most insightful analyses of the issue I've ever come across."
- You (Personal): "Wow, it takes a lot of courage to look at yourself so openly and admit things like that."
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Expert Q&A
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QuestionIs it bad to talk about yourself in conversations?Lynda Jean is an Image Consultant and the Owner of Lynda Jean Image Consulting. With over 15 years of experience, Lynda specializes in color and body/style analysis, wardrobe audits, personal shopping, social and professional etiquette, and personal and business branding. She works with clients to enhance their image, self-esteem, behavior, and communication to facilitate their social and career goals. Lynda holds Bachelor degrees in Sociology and Social Work, a Master’s degree in Clinical Social Work, and a Certified Image Consultant (CIC) certification. She studied Image Consulting at the International Image Institute and the International Academy of Fashion and Technology in Toronto, Canada. Lynda has taught Image Consulting courses at George Brown College in Toronto, Canada. She is the co-author of the book, “Business Success With Ease,” where she shares her knowledge about, ‘The Power of Professional Etiquette.’As long as you're balancing it with talking about the other person, it's okay. A good rule of thumb is to try to listen more than you speak. That way, you can ask the other person follow-up questions that keep them engaged.
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QuestionHow can I control my inflated ego?Community AnswerWell, the fact that you admit you have a problem is a good sign. If you find yourself bragging, stop and remember that bragging might make you look worse. The solution isn't to stop talking about your accomplishments entirely, but focus on listening more than talking, and hey, remember that everyone knows you're awesome - you don't have to tell them.
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QuestionI overcompensate by talking to people so I don't seem boring. Will this advice work for me too?Community AnswerBeing a good listener requires training, conditioning, practice, patience, and discipline. This advice will work for you!
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Tips
- The key to not talking about yourself is empathy. You have to know how other people will react to what you say.Thanks
- Count the number of times you say "I" in a conversation. You will notice how bad the problem is and can work your way down.Thanks
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References
- ↑ Lynda Jean. Certified Image Consultant. Expert Interview. 17 November 2020.
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-dance-connection/201010/unwanted-thoughts-snap-the-rubber-band
- ↑ https://psychcentral.com/blog/a-mini-guide-for-expressing-yourself-effectively-with-anyone
- ↑ https://www.npr.org/2020/10/15/923962314/good-conversations-take-time-and-attention-heres-how-to-have-better-ones
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/goal-posts/200909/cooperation-vs-competition-not-eitheror-proposition
- ↑ Lynda Jean. Certified Image Consultant. Expert Interview. 17 November 2020.
- ↑ https://global.indiana.edu/documents/global-perspectives/clarifying-and-probing-questions-handout-step-2-define.pdf
- ↑ https://hbr.org/2019/10/how-to-give-and-receive-compliments-at-work
- ↑ Lynda Jean. Certified Image Consultant. Expert Interview. 17 November 2020.
- ↑ https://www.bhf.org.uk/informationsupport/heart-matters-magazine/wellbeing/how-to-talk-about-health-problems/active-listening
- ↑ https://www.helpguide.org/articles/relationships-communication/nonverbal-communication.htm
- ↑ Lynda Jean. Certified Image Consultant. Expert Interview. 17 November 2020.
- ↑ https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC7918389/
- ↑ https://positivepsychology.com/active-listening/
About This Article
Article Summary
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To stop talking about yourself, try keeping self-references brief during conversation. Instead, ask questions to learn about other people's perspective, such as "I prefer tapas to entrees. Which do you prefer?". You can also try complimenting other people to your conversation partner, such as "Doesn't Gina look stunning in that dress?". If you want to improve your listening skills, consider making a pact with yourself to only talk unless your partner asks you something, and then ask them a question in return. For more suggestions from our co-author, including how to use specific conversation tools, read on!
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Reader Success Stories
- "I've recently noticed how many times I use the word 'I' in a conversation, and I now have the tools to combat that and make conversations more about the other person than myself. Thanks for this article - I'd definitely recommend it to anyone experiencing the same or similar issue(s)!" ..." more
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"I've recently noticed how many times I use the word 'I' in a conversation, and I now have the tools to combat that and make conversations more about the other person than myself. Thanks for this article - I'd definitely recommend it to anyone experiencing the same or similar issue(s)!"
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"I had been dating a man for four months. One evening he just blurted out, "You talk too much." I always knew I talk a lot, my entire family is like that. My feelings were too hurt and I broke up. Now I have some tools to try to improve myself."
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"This helped me and my friend as we are normally talking about our selves a lot of the time and are a bit of attention seekers. Lol! Thank you, this helped as I noticed my language, and how I speak has became more mature and easier to understand."
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"Just by reading the article, you get a better understanding of how and why a conversation is one-sided, making it be about yourself. Following the steps will allow you to become an active listener and not carry on about yourself."
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"So I've recently heard that I'm focusing too much on myself - to the point of it being tiring to others. So I'm trying to work on myself and the article seem to be pretty well-thought and helpful. Thank you for that."
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