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Whether you’ve been seeing someone for a couple of weeks or a couple of years, discussing your past can be tricky. While it’s important to be honest, it’s also important to consider your new partner’s feelings. Discuss your dating history effectively by having an honest conversation, informing them of necessary information, and avoiding common issues.
Steps
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Choose the right time. Wait until things become a bit serious with someone before discussing your dating history. You do not need to talk about your exes on the first date, and doing so will likely not land you a second. But, if a month or so has passed and you want to progress with them, now could be the right time. [1] X Research source
- Talking truthfully about your dating history is a good way to build trust and strengthen an already-established relationship. By opening up about your past, you are allowing yourself to be vulnerable with the other person.
- If somebody asks about your dating history on a first date and you don't want to go into great depth on that yet, you can say something like "Here's the 30 second version." That way you answer their question without having to delve into detail. [2]
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Expert Source
Stefanie Safran
Dating Coach & Matchmaker Expert Interview. 8 May 2020.
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Set aside the time to talk. Talk about your past in a nice, quiet location when the two of you have plenty of time to chat. You might choose to go on a walk or to sit out on the balcony with a glass of lemonade.
- Avoid having this discussion during times when they are stressed at work or school.
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Open up with a question. Ask something like “What is the most important lesson that you learned from a past relationship?” Once they share their story, you can begin to share stories of your own. [3] X Research source
- You might say something like “I learned to never take my partner for granted. When I dated my ex, she was always asking me to spend time with her and I rarely did, so she broke up with me. I don’t want her back, but I did learn that you can’t maintain so much distance from people.”
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Share information relevant to your relationship now. Talk about the lessons that you learned from past relationships that can help with how you date now. Avoid going off on long tangents about exes; instead relate things back to your current partner. [4] X Research source
- You can say “When I dated Trevor, I learned to be more open minded about politics. That’s why it was important for me to watch the debates with you and learn about your views.”
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Answer questions. You may have told your new partner something pretty heavy about a past relationship. This may leave them with several questions or concerns. Be honest with them, but also let them know if you feel uncomfortable. [5] X Research source
- For instance, perhaps you shared that you were abused by an ex. They might begin to ask a lot of questions which bring up painful memories for you. Let them know that you can talk more about it later.
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Emphasize what you like about your current partner. In order to make your new love more comfortable, use this time to compliment them. You do not need to bash your exes, but you can talk about how your past has brought you to a more bright and hopeful present. [6] X Research source
- You might say “After dating Chris, I knew I could never date another smoker. Dating you, I appreciate how concerned you are about your health. I really respect that.”
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Address any potential embarrassments. If you have a limited dating history or have had only short-lived relationships, you might feel uncomfortable discussing your past. However, take what you have learned from these experiences and use them to improve your current relationship.
- For instance, if you haven’t dated much, you might have used that time to focus on work or school, but have learned that life without love isn’t much fun.
- From short relationships, you might have learned exactly what you don’t need from a partner, or you may have corrected some of your own faults because of them.
- Bear in mind that if your partner is unable to accept these things about you, they might not be the right person for you.
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Inform them if you are divorced or have children. Sharing your dating history is important, but if you were married or have children, let them know early on. For some, these things might be dealbreakers. [7] X Research source
- Share information like this on the first or second date.
- If you do have children, it might be a good idea to think ahead of time about when you would realistically feel comfortable introducing them to your significant other. [8]
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Expert Source
Stefanie Safran
Dating Coach & Matchmaker Expert Interview. 8 May 2020.
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Let them know if you still talk to your ex. Talking to your current partner about your past can be tricky if you are still friends with any exes. But, they deserve to know. Be sure to let them know how often you communicate and whether you spend time together. [9] X Research source
- You might say “I’m still friends with Gabriella, who I dated two years ago. We text every so often and sometimes have lunch. We don’t have any romantic feelings for one another anymore.”
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Tell them if you have dated someone they know. In some cases, you may have had a relationship or fling with someone your new partner knows. If they are friends, coworkers, or close acquaintances, then you should share this information as soon as possible.
- Say “I noticed from your social media that you know Frank. He and I dated for about three months last year. I don’t know how close the two of you are, but I thought you should know.”
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Inform them of any pending issues with an ex. You and an ex may have shared a home, car, or business together. Or maybe you two have the same friend group and have to be around one another often. Whatever the case, be sure to let your new partner know of any unfinished business the two of you may have.
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Be honest about your history. Though it can be tempting to lie to avoid tough questions, typically the truth always comes out. If you lie or omit important issues from the start, they may linger and come back to cause problems later in the relationship. Tell your dating partner what they want to know and avoid lies of omission. If you feel uncomfortable with a certain topic, tell them you don’t want to talk about that. [10] X Research sourceEXPERT TIPDating CoachJohn Keegan is a Dating Coach and motivational speaker based in New York City. With over 10 years of professional experience, he runs The Awakened Lifestyle, where he uses his expertise in dating, attraction, and social dynamics to help people find love. He teaches and holds dating workshops internationally, from Los Angeles to London and from Rio de Janeiro to Prague. His work has been featured in the New York Times, Humans of New York, and Men's Health.
Don't beat yourself up as you recount the past. You deserve a partner who respects your journey and celebrates the person you've become. Don't let the past cast a shadow on your future relationships!
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Keep the details to a minimum. Discussing your dating history does not mean that you need to discuss how your ex’s silvery blonde hair glistened in the moonlight. Mention key aspects of your relationship like length, important events, and why things ended, and keep it at that. [11] X Research source
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Don’t judge. Your new partner might share some secrets about their past that might be tough for you to hear. However, be open minded with them and avoid judging them on their past. We all make mistakes, but if you can see that they’ve grown, give them the benefit of the doubt. [12] X Research source
- For instance, if they tell you that they cheated a few years back, you might want to give them a chance. However, if they have cheated on everyone they’ve dated, this is a red flag.
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Be mindful of red flags. While it is good to keep an open mind and give people a chance, trust your instincts and be cautious about potential problem signs. It’s easy to fall into the same relationship pitfalls over and over, because we seek comfort in the familiar (even if the familiar is not necessarily good). [13] X Research source
- For example, if you broke up with your last partner because they were too emotionally distant, pay attention to signs of the same issue with your current partner.
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Be wary of discussing your sexual past. Discussing the number of sexual partners you’ve had or sexual experiences in general can be tricky. You want to be honest with your partner, but being too honest can spark jealousy. If you talk a lot about how much past sexual experience you’ve had, your current partner may begin to feel like just another “conquest.” Keep talk of your sexual past to a minimum. Stick to generalities, and only discuss it in detail if it’s relevant to your partner’s questions. [14] X Research source
- However, if you have an STD, you should disclose this before having sex with anyone.
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Expert Q&A
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QuestionIs it good to tell your partner about your past?Stefanie Safran is a Dating Coach, Matchmaker, and the Owner of Stef in the City, a Matchmaking and Dating Coaching business focused on an honest and hands on approach. Stefanie labels herself as “Chicago's Introductionista®” as she has over 15 years of experience in the matchmaking industry. Her work has been featured on various media such as: ABC7, NBC5, CBS2, WGN, FOX, The Chicago Tribune, The Chicago Sun Times, The HuffPost, and Refinery29. She holds a MBA in marketing and branding from Loyola University in addition to her BA from the University of Wisconsin-Madison.Yes, but don't feel you have to reveal everything at once. It’s up to you to decide how much you’re ready to say, and to set boundaries and limits on what you are prepared to talk about.
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QuestionWhen should you ask about your dating history?Stefanie Safran is a Dating Coach, Matchmaker, and the Owner of Stef in the City, a Matchmaking and Dating Coaching business focused on an honest and hands on approach. Stefanie labels herself as “Chicago's Introductionista®” as she has over 15 years of experience in the matchmaking industry. Her work has been featured on various media such as: ABC7, NBC5, CBS2, WGN, FOX, The Chicago Tribune, The Chicago Sun Times, The HuffPost, and Refinery29. She holds a MBA in marketing and branding from Loyola University in addition to her BA from the University of Wisconsin-Madison.It depends on the person, but if you don't want to discuss it early on in the relationship, try to make that clear. You can even set a time limit on the conversation but frame it light-heartedly so it isn't offensive. For instance, you could say something like "Okay, once we get to know each other better we can do the longer version, but the 1 minute snapshot of why I broke up with my last ex is..."
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References
- ↑ https://www.datingadvice.com/for-men/how-to-discussing-dating-histories
- ↑ Stefanie Safran. Dating Coach & Matchmaker. Expert Interview. 8 May 2020.
- ↑ http://www.selfgrowth.com/articles/When_to_Share_Your_Relationship_History_While_Dating_Someone_New.html
- ↑ http://www.selfgrowth.com/articles/When_to_Share_Your_Relationship_History_While_Dating_Someone_New.html
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/some-assembly-required/201703/how-have-difficult-conversations
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/love-and-gratitude/201304/10-ways-express-love
- ↑ http://edition.cnn.com/2007/LIVING/personal/11/06/date.after.divorce/
- ↑ Stefanie Safran. Dating Coach & Matchmaker. Expert Interview. 8 May 2020.
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/close-encounters/201609/whats-going-when-you-stay-in-touch-your-ex
- ↑ https://www.mindbodygreen.com/0-14424/6-rules-for-open-honest-communication-with-the-person-you-love.html
- ↑ https://www.datingadvice.com/for-men/how-to-discussing-dating-histories
- ↑ https://www.datingadvice.com/for-men/how-to-discussing-dating-histories
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/anxiety-zen/201603/why-do-we-repeat-the-past-in-our-relationships
- ↑ https://au.reachout.com/articles/communicating-sexual-history
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