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If talking to people is anxiety-inducing or difficult for you, the good news is that it’s totally possible to get better at it, and it doesn’t have to be a painful process. Just by making some simple changes to the way you approach others and carry on conversations, you’ll start to notice that talking to people feels more natural and even enjoyable! We’ll show you some easy ways to strike up conversations, keep them going, and make people feel at ease with your body language.
Things You Should Know
- Start up a conversation with a new person by chatting about something you have in common.
- Offer a simple greeting or question to start a conversation rather than saying something clever.
- Ask open-ended questions that require the other person to give a detailed answer.
- Practice positive body language when you speak to others, like smiling, making eye contact, and nodding at the right time.
Steps
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Talk to a new person . Sometimes the hardest part of talking to people is figuring out how to start the conversation . This can be particularly intimidating when you want to talk to someone that you have not previously met. To strike up a conversation with a new person, try to find some common ground. [1] X Trustworthy Source American Psychological Association Leading scientific and professional organization of licensed psychologists Go to source
- For example, if you are waiting in line at your neighborhood coffee shop, you could say to the person in front of you, "What's good here? I've never tried any of their specialty drinks."
- You can also comment on the situation. Try saying, "Isn't it nice out today?". If the person responds in a favorable tone, you can follow up with some more specific comments.
- Another conversation starter is making a comment about the person you want to talk to. You could say, "I really love that bag you're carrying."
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Choose the right person to approach. Look for someone who is not otherwise occupied and has a friendly expression. For example, if you are standing in line and someone makes eye contact with you, offer a smile and an opening question. Avoid trying to start a conversation with someone who is speaking to someone else or who is actively engaged in a task. [2] X Research source
- At a party, a good place to start a conversation is near the food table or bar. These things provide natural conversation starters, such as "Have you tried the spinach dip?" or "Can you show me how to use this wine opener?"
- If you are having trouble mingling at a party, head towards the kitchen. This is often a gathering space, and you can join in the crowd by helping to mix drinks or set out snacks.
- The same rules apply when deciding when to approach a co-worker. Wait until they are not obviously engaged with someone else. Lunch is an ideal time to start a conversation.
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Approach someone you know. Maybe you want to talk to someone you've met, but you don't know how to break the ice . One effective approach is to ask that person something about themselves. Questions are a great way to get the conversational ball rolling. [3] X Research source
- If you want to chat to a colleague in the cafeteria, questions are a good way to start. Try saying, "How was your weekend? Did you take advantage of the great weather?"
- Maybe you'd like to get to know your new next door neighbor. When you see her grabbing her mail, say, "How are you adjusting to your new neighborhood? Let me know if I can recommend a good pizza place."
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Keep it simple. You don't have to have a great opening line in order to start talking to someone. You can start by saying something as basic as "Hi" or "How are you?". The other person will often take it from there and keep the conversation going. [4] X Trustworthy Source American Psychological Association Leading scientific and professional organization of licensed psychologists Go to source
- You can make a simple statement about yourself. After a challenging spinning class, say to the person next to you, "Wow, I'm going to be sore later."
- By keeping things simple, you are starting the conversation, but allowing the other person to help you get things started. It also takes some of the pressure off of you to find something clever to say.
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Avoid over-sharing . When you are trying to start a conversation, it is important that you do not make the other person feel awkward. Many people have a tendency to babble or chat nervously when making small talk. This can lead to a common social problem known as over-sharing. [5] X Research source
- Unless you are talking privately to someone you know well, it's best to avoid sharing sensitive information about yourself. For example, don't try to start a conversation by telling a casual acquaintance the results of your most recent checkup at your gynecologists office.
- People often feel uncomfortable when you share personal information. The cashier at the grocery store likely does not want to hear that your teenage daughter is not performing well at school. When you are starting a conversation, stay away from potentially sensitive subjects.
- Don't monologue at people—good conversations are dialogues with questions and anecdotes. [6]
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Expert Source
Cristina Morara
Dating Coach Expert Interview. 29 September 2020.
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Know when not to talk. Sometimes silence can feel awkward. Your natural inclination might be to fill that silence with chit chat. However, there are times that it is best to stay silent. [7] X Research source
- If you are bored on an airplane, you might want to entertain yourself by talking to your seatmate. But if she is giving you certain social cues, find another way to amuse yourself.
- If someone is avoiding making eye contact, that is a sign she doesn't feel like talking. Someone who is reading or listening to headphones is probably also content to remain silent.
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Ask questions . Once you have broken the ice, there are several things you can do to keep the conversation going . Asking questions is a great way to continue the dialogue. Try asking the other person to do something simple for you. [8] X Research source
- For example, if you are picking your child up at school, you can say to another mom, "Can you remind me what time the early dismissal is tomorrow?"
- You could ask your colleague to offer you some advice. Consider saying, "Brad, your Powerpoints always look so polished. Would you mind offering me some tips?"
- If you're on a date, you could ask something like "what are some of your pet peeves?" or "what's something people would be surprised to learn about you?" [9]
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Expert Source
Cristina Morara
Dating Coach Expert Interview. 29 September 2020.
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Continue with open-ended questions . Asking any question is a great way to get the conversation going. But open-ended questions are the key to keeping the chat flowing. Ask questions that require much more than a yes or no answer. [10] X Research source
- Instead of saying, "How was your trip to Phoenix?" try saying, "I remember you saying you were traveling. What sorts of things did you do on your vacation?" This will allow for elaboration.
- Continue asking questions after the initial response. If the person says, "We did a lot of golfing", you can say, "Oh, what's your handicap? Can you recommend any good courses? I'd love to improve my game."
- You can also turn compliments into questions. For example, you could say, "I really love that dress you're wearing. How do you find such great pieces?"
- Asking people "what were you like in high school?" can lead to some surprisingly fun and interesting responses. [11]
X
Expert Source
Cristina Morara
Dating Coach Expert Interview. 29 September 2020.
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Be genuine . Don't try to force a conversation. Instead, try talking about something that you genuinely care about. If you are feigning interest, it will usually be evident. [12] X Research source
- At a dinner party, strike up a conversation with someone who shares your interest. For example, you could say, "Mike, I hear you just got a new bike. I love going on trail rides."
- When you are at your daughter's soccer game, try talking to another parent about the new coach. For instance, "I feel like Haley is responding well to the extra practice time. How's Mary handling it?"
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Avoid conversation killers. After you have been chatting for a few moments, you might feel more comfortable with how the conversation is going. But you still need to make an effort to make the conversation flow smoothly. Part of being a good conversationalist is knowing how to avoid saying things that will make the other person uncomfortable. [13] X Research source
- You've probably heard the old adage that you should avoid talking about politics or religion in social settings. You should heed that advice when you are in a diverse group of people.
- Avoid boring people. For example, don't give long, intricate summaries of your favorite reality show or your cat's health. Give others a chance to participate in the conversation.
- Strike the right tone. For the most part, small talk should be happy. After all, you are looking to make someone like you. And we are all naturally drawn to positive people. When in doubt, try to look for something upbeat to say. [14] X Research source
- For instance, you could say, "Wow, we've had a lot of rain lately. But at least we're likely to have some gorgeous spring flowers!"
- It's ok to commiserate about an uncomfortable situation. Just try to put a positive spin on it. For example, "Bummer we're stuck working late tonight. Want to grab a late dinner? I know a great pizza place."
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Shift topics. During most conversations that last longer than a few minutes, you will probably cover more than one subject. Be prepared to move on to something other than your ice breaking question. A good way to be prepared is to pay attention to current events and pop culture. You'll always be able to offer observations about those things.
- For example, you could say, "Did you see any of the movies up for Best Picture this year? I really loved Spotlight."
- Be ready to transition to new topics. Try saying things such as, "Oh, your story reminds me of my trip to Greece. Have you ever been there?" This tactic will help the conversation flow naturally.
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Reach out to other people. The more people that are involved in a conversation, the less pressure there is on you. Take steps to involve others in your group. For example, if you are eating in the cafeteria at work, reach out to your coworker who is looking for a place to sit. Say, "Hey, Lucy, would you like to join Tim and I?" [15] X Trustworthy Source HelpGuide Nonprofit organization dedicated to providing free, evidence-based mental health and wellness resources. Go to source
- You can also do this in social situations. Maybe you are making small talk with an acquaintance at a cocktail party. If you see someone standing alone nearby, draw them into your circle. Say, "Wow, this shrimp is fabulous. Have you had a chance to try it yet?"
- Drawing others in to your conversation is not only polite, but it can help keep the conversation moving along. The more people that are involved, the more you will find to talk about.
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Be a good listener . Listening is just as important as talking. To become a good conversationalist, you need to practice active listening. You can verbally indicate that you are listening and engaged. [16] X Research source
- Try offering neutral comments such as "That's interesting." You can also say, "Tell me more" to encourage the other person to continue with the story.
- You can use a method called echoing to demonstrate that you are listening. Say, "Wow, that is amazing that you have traveled to every single country in Europe."
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Smile . When you are having a conversation, your body language can be just as important as the words you say. One of the most effective ways to communicate is to offer someone a smile. This is an especially great way to connect with someone you don't know very well. [17] X Research source
- Smile at someone at the dog park. If you notice your dogs are playing together well, grin over at that poodle's owner. It makes you seem approachable.
- Smiling is also an effective way to indicate support. If one of your co-workers stops by your desk to tell you a story, smiling at her indicates that you are interested in what she is saying.
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Make eye contact . While you are speaking to someone, it is important to look them in the eye. This demonstrates that you are engaged in the conversation. It also indicates that you are listening and respectful of what is being said. [18] X Trustworthy Source HelpGuide Nonprofit organization dedicated to providing free, evidence-based mental health and wellness resources. Go to source
- Eye contact also helps you gauge the other person's reactions. Eyes reflect people's emotions, such as boredom, anger, or affection.
- Don't stare at people. It is not necessary to focus entirely on your friend's eyes. You can let your gaze naturally take in your surroundings, too.
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Nod your head. A simple head nod is one of the most effective non-verbal cues you can use. Nodding your head can indicate multiple things. It tells someone that you understand what they are saying, for example. [19] X Trustworthy Source HelpGuide Nonprofit organization dedicated to providing free, evidence-based mental health and wellness resources. Go to source
- Nodding your head also demonstrates that you agree. It is also a way to show support for what is being said.
- Avoid being a bobble-head. Do not nod continuously, as that will negate the genuineness of the gesture.
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Build your confidence . Your body language often reflects nerves or anxiety. It can be intimidating to talk to people, especially if you are shy. One of the best ways to increase your conversation confidence is to be prepared for multiple scenarios. For instance, if you know you are going to see meet new people at a party, have some topics of conversation ready to talk about. [20] X Research source
- If you're going to a birthday party that involves bowling, be ready to tell a funny anecdote about the time you joined a couples bowling league.
- Practice your skills. Challenge yourself to talk to someone new each day. It can be someone on the street or someone at school. Practice starting and continuing conversations.
- Confidence is key when approaching a romantic interest. Once you've found an opening line that works for you, try it out on the person you like.
- For example, you could say, "The music during spin class always makes me feel like dancing. Do you know anywhere good around here to listen to live music?" Say this with a smile and eye contact.
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Expert Q&A
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QuestionHow can I talk more to my date without talking too much about myself?Cristina Morara is a Professional Matchmaker, Dating Coach, Relationship Expert, and the Founder of Stellar Hitch Private Matchmaking, a luxury matchmaking service based in Los Angeles that serves clients nationwide and internationally. As a former casting director, Cristina specializes in finding the perfect partner through her exclusive global network and detailed, warm approach. Cristina holds a BA in Communications and Psychology from Villanova University. Stellar Hitch has been featured in the Huffington Post, Chelsea Handler’s Netflix documentary, ABC News, the Tonight Show, Voyage LA, and the Celebrity Perspective.It's good to be interesting, but don't forget to be interested. The whole point of a date is to share and connect, to have a dialogue, not a monologue. Instead of focusing on impressing the other person, see if there's a connection with them by sharing back and forth.
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QuestionHow do I talk to someone new without being awkward?Community AnswerIt depends on what you consider awkward, but I’d practice not fidgeting, sitting or standing with confidence, regulating your breathing and speech rate, keeping a pleasant facial expression and maintaining eye contact. It helps to practice these things with another person as well.
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QuestionWhat if you want to engage in conversation with a new person, but your small talk starter slipped your mind and you don't know what to say?Community AnswerKeep a few small topic ideas and conversation starters in your phone. If you get stuck, take a quick look at your notes. It might also be helpful to practice the conversation starters with someone to get comfortable with the questions and to help you remember them.
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Tips
- Keep a mental list of handy conversation starters.Thanks
- Don't be afraid of new situations. Trying something new will help you meet new people and practice your conversations skills.Thanks
Tips from our Readers
The advice in this section is based on the lived experiences of wikiHow readers like you. If you have a helpful tip you’d like to share on wikiHow, please submit it in the field below.
- If you have trouble talking to people, relax! Remember that they are just like you. Say what you want to say and don't be afraid of what people think of you. Be part of their lives too!
- Adapt the conversation examples shown in this article to your own speaking style. Everyone has their own speech pattern, so talk in the way that's natural for you.
- Fake it til you make it! If your confidence is lacking, pretending to not be shy really does help.
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References
- ↑ https://www.apa.org/news/podcasts/speaking-of-psychology/talk-strangers
- ↑ https://positivepsychology.com/goal-setting-psychology/
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/articles/202011/how-talk-anyone
- ↑ https://www.apa.org/news/podcasts/speaking-of-psychology/talk-strangers
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/fulfillment-any-age/201107/10-tips-talk-about-anything-anyone
- ↑ Cristina Morara. Dating Coach. Expert Interview. 29 September 2020.
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/fulfillment-any-age/201107/10-tips-talk-about-anything-anyone
- ↑ https://www.scienceofpeople.com/conversation-starters-topics/
- ↑ Cristina Morara. Dating Coach. Expert Interview. 29 September 2020.
- ↑ https://www.scienceofpeople.com/open-ended-questions/
- ↑ Cristina Morara. Dating Coach. Expert Interview. 29 September 2020.
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-squeaky-wheel/201503/the-7-habits-truly-genuine-people
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/intl/blog/love-matters/202303/avoiding-awkward-moments-in-conversation
- ↑ https://psychcentral.com/news/research-shows-people-enjoy-deep-conversations-with-strangers
- ↑ https://www.helpguide.org/articles/relationships-communication/dealing-with-loneliness-and-shyness.htm
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/in-the-face-adversity/201111/being-good-listener
- ↑ https://www.scienceofpeople.com/body-language-examples/
- ↑ https://www.helpguide.org/articles/relationships-communication/nonverbal-communication.htm
- ↑ https://www.helpguide.org/articles/relationships-communication/nonverbal-communication.htm
- ↑ https://kidshealth.org/en/teens/confidence.html
About This Article
Article Summary
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If you want to talk to people, first find someone who seems open to conversation. Look for a person who makes eye contact with you and who seems to have a friendly expression. Don’t try to start a conversation with a person who is busy or talking to another person. When you find a person you want to talk to, start the conversation with an icebreaker. Find common ground by making a comment about the weather or complimenting their outfit. To learn how to build on your conversation, keep reading!
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- "I am trying to talk to a girl at a testing place, but I can't figure a way to start the conversation. We don't know each other, and I don't even know her name. This was helpful, maybe I can ask her about her hair or how she is gonna dye it (I heard her say something about that)." ..." more
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"I am trying to talk to a girl at a testing place, but I can't figure a way to start the conversation.
We don't know each other, and I don't even know her name. This was helpful, maybe I can ask her about her hair or how she is gonna dye it (I heard her say something about that)."
..."
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"I really don't know how to speak to people because I have serious self confidence and anxiety issues (in public and online). But I feel a little better after reading this wikiHow, thank you!"
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"I'm only 12 and in 6th grade and I am not socially adept, so this helped me get a few tips to talk to people I both know and don't know."
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"I love this, it made it seem more possible to be social, without being awkward. It built up my confidence for future situations."
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"The whole article is a great reminder. Helps me focus on the person(s) I am connecting with. The reminder to smile is the best."
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