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Maybe you're a teenager with your first boyfriend, or maybe you're already a little older but have always struggled whenever you have to share news of a relationship with your strict folks. Maybe you're a guy yourself, struggling with how to tell your parents you're gay. Whatever way, telling your parents that you have a boyfriend can be intimidating, but if you approach the topic the right way, they might be willing to accept the news. If things go really well, they might even be happy for you. Here are a few suggestions about how to get the task done with as little tension as possible.
Steps
Help Talking to Your Parents
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Write it out. If you're afraid you'll get flustered, it's perfectly fine to write out what you think you'll say. This can help you process what you want to say so that you can present your new relationship in the best way possible. That way, when the time comes, you'll be able to get it out without stopping. [1] X Research source
- As you write out what you might say, you may try to anticipate your parents' responses. That way you can answer their concerns as you tell them about your boyfriend.
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Practice delivering the news. It's normal to feel apprehensive about telling your parents about your new relationship. Practicing what you'll say to them can make it easier. Use a friend or understanding relative for practice.
- You can also practice in front of a mirror. [2] X Research source
- Ask someone you trust to help, not someone who may reveal your news before you're ready. For example, choose a cousin you're close to rather than an older sibling, who might feel obligated to tell your parents.
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Figure out who to tell first. You might have a parent you feel closer to or maybe one of your parents tends to be more lenient than the other. Oftentimes, breaking the news to a parent who is easier to talk to can clear the way for talking to the other parent.
- For instance, if you grew up as a "daddy's girl," meaning you can now wrap him around your little finger, you might start with your dad. On the other hand, if your dad tends to be overprotective, you might start with your mother instead.
- This approach can be an especially helpful idea if you are a teenager with your first boyfriend.
- On the other hand, if you think both of your parents will take it equally well (or badly), just rip off the bandaid and tell them both at the same time.
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Pick a good time. You don't want to tell your parents when they are busy with something else or when they aren't in a good mood. If you want, you can ask them when a good time to talk would be. Try to choose a time when the house is calm, and your parents are not stressed or distracted by something else. [3] X Research source
- However, don't use picking a good time as a way to continually put off telling them. You will need to tell them eventually, so you might as well get it over with.
EXPERT TIPMarriage & Family TherapistMoshe Ratson is the Executive Director of spiral2grow Marriage & Family Therapy, a coaching and therapy clinic in New York City. Moshe is an International Coach Federation accredited Professional Certified Coach (PCC). He received his MS in Marriage and Family Therapy from Iona College. Moshe is a clinical member of the American Association of Marriage and Family Therapy (AAMFT), and a member of the International Coach Federation (ICF).Creating the right setting for difficult family conversations can make a big difference. If you need to have a serious conversation with your parents, schedule it for a time and place free of distractions. Even if past talks haven't gone well, treat this as a fresh opportunity for you all to connect.
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Identify what you're feeling. You are hesitating about telling your parents for a reason. Do you think that your parents will be mad because you're dating? Maybe you think they won't approve of the person you're dating. On the other hand, maybe you just prefer to keep your personal life private. Knowing what you're feeling is important because you can use that in the discussion. [4] X Research source
- For instance, if you think that your parents think that you aren't ready to date, you could say, "Mom and Dad, I need to talk to you about something. I've been a little hesitant to tell you that I have a boyfriend because I think you think that I'm not old enough."
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Get it over with. Once you sit down, you just need to get the conversation over with. Don't beat around the bush. However, you can soften the blow with qualifiers. For instance, you could say, "I really love you two, and I don't want to make you mad. Also, I really want to be honest with you about my life. I want to tell you about the boy that I've started dating."
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Talk about why you feel you are ready to date. If you are trying to make a case for dating, lay out the reasons why you think you should be able to. For instance, maybe you think that you should be able to date because you are in high school, and most people your age are allowed to date. Be reasonable, and don't get angry if your parents don't agree.
- Your parents probably won't respond well to "But everyone else is doing it!" However, you can pull statistics off the internet about the average age that people start dating, and you can bring up points about how you've shown your maturity in the last year.
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Be willing to negotiate. If your parents don't want you to date and you're asking them to let you, you need to be willing to compromise. Maybe you can suggest that you only see your boyfriend at school or that you only go on group dates with other people. Your parents just want to protect you, so you have to be willing to give up some of your freedom. [5] X Research source
- Listen to what your parents have to say and consider if their concerns are legitimate. Although they may be frustrating sometimes, remember that your parents are older and have more experience than you do. They may spot red flags or issues of concern that you haven't experienced yet. If they express concerns, watch out for signs that they could be true.
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Discuss the person. Tell your parents about your boyfriend. Talk to them about his family and what you like about him. Highlight his good qualities so they get a sense of who he is. It's also helpful to have a photo for them to see.
- Your parents will probably have many, many questions. It is advisable to answer every question as honestly and fully as possible to reassure them about your new relationship. If you try to hide or lie about something, your parents may become suspicious and anxious.
- If your boyfriend has a good relationship with his family, make sure your parents know. This trait is a major plus for many parents because it lets them know that this new guy in your life knows how to value others and can appreciate the tight ties of family.
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Don't try to hide it. One of the most important things to do if you want your parents to accept your boyfriend is to be the one to tell them about your relationship. If they find out about your relationship from someone else, they may assume that you were trying to hide it because you felt you were doing something wrong. [6] X Research source
- You should tell your parents about your boyfriend even if you do not plan to make any formal introductions any time soon. As a general rule, the sooner you own up to the relationship, the better. Avoiding the conversation will only make it harder to have eventually and will increase the odds that your parents may find out from another source.
- Once you get older and have already moved out of the house, you do not necessarily need to bring up every date or every boyfriend you have. Wait until a guy comes along that you can exclusively and seriously commit to before getting everyone worked up.
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Wait on the negatives. If you know something about your boyfriend is going to bother your parents, don't start the conversation with that. Instead, wait until the middle or end of the conversation to talk about it. For instance, if your boyfriend is older than you, you might want to hold off on that bit of news until near the end of the conversation.
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Understand your parents may be upset. If you're going against your parents expectations of you, they are probably going to be upset. You're just going to have to deal with their anger and even tears, until you can get them to see reason. [7] X Research source
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Give it time. It may take a little while for your parents to get used to the idea. If they get upset while you are talking to them and tell you "no," they might change their minds later when they've cooled down a bit. Either way, you need to respect the fact that you still need to have a relationship with them, meaning you can't just write them off as evil because they told you no. [8] X Research source
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Wait until the time is right. This kind of discussion is a difficult one, especially if you aren't sure how your parents will react. Wait until you feel comfortable having the discussion. It can be hard if you're questioning your sexuality, as your parents may try to convince you're actually not gay. [9] X Research source
- If you show any hesitation about your sexuality, your parents are likely to ask questions such as "Are you sure?" It's okay to discuss your feelings and reservations with them. – Just realize that they may want to ask if you're positive about your feelings. If you're not 100% sure, it's okay. You can have feelings for another guy now, yet decide later that you prefer women. Sexuality can change over time. But even if that happens later on, it does not invalidate your current feelings or your current relationship.
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Do a practice run. While coming out to anybody is difficult, try coming out to someone who you know is sympathetic first. For instance, if you have a gay friend or know someone who is a gay ally, talk to them about your sexuality before addressing it with your parents. It's very hard to say the first time, so trying it out on someone else first can make it slightly easier on you when you do go to your parents. Plus, the person may be able to give you some tips if they’re gay. Just be sure you completely trust the person first. [10] X Research source
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Present them with the facts. If you need to convince your parents, try presenting them with facts about homosexuality. You can find many good resources out there about homosexuality, such as Planned Parenthood's website on the LGBTQ community. [11] X Research source
- It's also good to have materials to give them or websites they can visit to read more about it. [12] X Research source
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Give them time. Many parents need time to adjust to this announcement. Because most parents expect their kids to be straight, they have to change their own thinking about who you are. Let them know it's okay to take time to adjust. [13] X Research source
- For instance, you could say, "I know this announcement is a big one, and I understand if you need some time to adjust to the idea. I know I did."
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Understand when it's not a good idea. If you know your parents will react very badly because of their beliefs, you may want to rethink coming out to your parents. That is, if you think your parents may kick you out or even be physically violent with you, it's best to wait until you are able to support yourself. [14] X Research source
- You may also not want to tell them if you are emotionally insecure, and you know they would come down very harshly on you. [15] X Research source
- Prepare ahead of time for how to deal with a bad reaction from your parents. Plan where you will go if things get heated, and know who you can turn to for emotional support.
- You can get help with coming out from a nonprofit center dedicated to LGBTQ issues, such as The Trevor Project.
Ease your father into it through casual conversation.
"I was really nervous to tell my overprotective dad about my new crush. But after reading this, I got an idea to bring it up while we were just chilling in the pool. I mentioned dating, and he seemed surprisingly cool talking about it! Now I feel way more confident that when the right time comes, he'll be open if I say I have an actual boyfriend. Easing into it casually is so the way to go."
- Ysobelle Pearce (wikiHow Community Member)
Wait for the right moment to minimize blowback.
"As a shy person, I've always found it hard to talk to my old-school mom about dating. This guide said to wait until she's in a good mood before spilling the news. I'm still anxious about how she'll react, but picking the timing really carefully might soften the blow when I finally admit I have a boyfriend. Baby steps are key for quiet people like me!"
- Alexia D.
Lean on others during your coming out journey.
"I felt this so hard where it talks about coming out to unsupportive parents. Reaching out to LGBTQ friends first helped me gain confidence. Contacting a nonprofit like The Trevor Project provided me with resources to better explain my sexuality. Though it was painful when my parents reacted badly, surrounding myself with allies got me through that difficult time. You don't have to do this alone."
- Forum P.
Give disapproving parents space to adjust.
"When I first told my traditional Caribbean mother about my boyfriend, she was very upset. This article reminded me to have patience and keep communication open, even when she refused to discuss it further. After giving her time to process the news, she gradually became more accepting. Getting parents to change their minds can take time and repeated effort."
- Annakaye S.
Have a story our readers should hear? Share it with 1 billion+ annual wikiHow users. Tell us your story here
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Listen to their concerns. Love can blind us. Your parents might be overreacting to the fact that you have a boyfriend. On the other hand, they probably have some legitimate concerns that you should take into consideration. [16] X Research source
- Calmly and politely ask your parents why they do not approve of your boyfriend. Maybe a trait of his makes them feel anxious, and that anxiety could very well have validity and be something you should think more deeply about. Even if the reasons they give do not seem significant, listening to their doubts and fears will give you an idea of what you need to do to convince them that the relationship is okay after all.
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Understand their role. Good parents take the job of protecting their children very seriously, so it is only natural that they may have to struggle to accept the fact that you are growing up. Try having a little compassion for them. [17] X Trustworthy Source Cleveland Clinic Educational website from one of the world's leading hospitals Go to source
- Along with being compassionate, you should also be respectful. No matter how the conversation goes, you should treat your parents with respect. If you can disagree with them about something in a respectful way, your parents are likely to feel less upset and may eventually be persuaded to change their minds.
- Remember that one reason for refusing an engagement is the risk of early pregnancy, and especially that she doesn't want the responsibility. There may be other reasons:
- Maybe they're a bad student.
- They don't work, they're idle and they live off their parents.
- They're involved in criminal or drug-related gangs.
- They have a reputation for being unfaithful and flirtatious.
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Determine whether or not to keep the relationship going. Figure out how much the relationship with your boyfriend means to you and how drastically your relationship with your parents might be strained if you continue dating. Weigh the pros and cons of all sides to reach a conclusion about what to do. Yes, of course you love your boyfriend, but your parents will be your parents for life. [18] X Research source
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Keep talking. If you are unwilling to stop seeing your boyfriend, keep bringing the topic up to your parents. The more you talk things through, the better both sides will be able to understand each other. You may even get your parents to relent. [19] X Research source
- You should also provide more opportunities for your parents to get to know your boyfriend. The more time they spend with him, the more accurate their perception of him will be. If he really is a good guy, they might eventually drop their guard long enough to see that.
- It's a good idea to arrange a casual meeting before you tell your parents about your relationship. For example, your boyfriend could attend a group hangout in your home with other friends. This allows your parents to become familiar with him.
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Discuss the matter with your boyfriend. A good guy will understand that winning the approval of your parents is an important step in your relationship. Together, the two of you might be able to figure out some way of convincing your parents to confer their blessing upon you. [20] X Research source
- If your parents have never met the guy, he might offer to introduce himself to them as a way of easing their minds.
- If your parents offered specific reasons for why they do not approve of your boyfriend, letting him know about these reasons may prompt him to try to fix whatever behavior or condition has them feeling anxious.
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Ask his parents for help. Discuss your relationship with your boyfriend's parents, and seek their approval. If they approve, they might be willing to talk to your parents and try to persuade them, too. [21] X Trustworthy Source American Psychological Association Leading scientific and professional organization of licensed psychologists Go to source
- This step can be especially beneficial if you are a teen, and he is your first boyfriend. Adults tend to relate to each other better than they relate to teenagers, so if two respectable adults approach your parents and defend your relationship, offering their assurances about their son in the process, your parents might be willing to take this new evidence into careful consideration.
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Expert Q&A
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QuestionMy mom won't let me date, but I really what to. How do I make sure it is okay with my mom and dad?Paul Chernyak is a Licensed Professional Counselor in Chicago. He graduated from the American School of Professional Psychology in 2011.Talk to your parents about why you want to date and why you feel you're ready. Listen to what they have to say and why they oppose you dating. Try to reach a compromise so that you're both on the same page about when you can start dating.
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QuestionWhat if I am really nervous, and I can't find a way to tell them?Paul Chernyak is a Licensed Professional Counselor in Chicago. He graduated from the American School of Professional Psychology in 2011.Practice by telling someone else first, such as a cousin or sibling. Respond to their reactions and any concerns they express. Consider how they feel about the idea of you dating as you consider their reactions, however.
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References
- ↑ https://kidshealth.org/en/teens/talk-to-parents.html
- ↑ https://kidshealth.org/en/teens/talk-to-parents.html
- ↑ https://kidshealth.org/en/teens/talk-to-parents.html
- ↑ https://www.mhanational.org/time-talk-talking-your-parents
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/peaceful-parents-happy-kids/201706/should-you-negotiate-your-child
- ↑ https://kidshealth.org/en/teens/stressful-feelings.html
- ↑ https://kidshealth.org/en/teens/understanding-others.html
- ↑ https://raisingchildren.net.au/pre-teens/communicating-relationships/family-relationships/privacy-trust-teen-years
- ↑ https://kidshealth.org/en/teens/coming-out.html
- ↑ https://adaa.org/learn-from-us/from-the-experts/blog-posts/consumer/understanding-anxiety-and-depression-lgbtq
- ↑ https://adaa.org/learn-from-us/from-the-experts/blog-posts/consumer/understanding-anxiety-and-depression-lgbtq
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/gay-and-lesbian-well-being/201103/should-you-come-out-your-parents
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/gay-and-lesbian-well-being/201103/should-you-come-out-your-parents
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/gay-and-lesbian-well-being/201103/should-you-come-out-your-parents
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-mindful-self-express/201512/the-3-most-common-causes-insecurity-and-how-beat-them
- ↑ https://positivepsychology.com/active-listening/
- ↑ https://my.clevelandclinic.org/health/articles/7060-adolescent-development
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/better-divorce/202205/how-and-when-introduce-your-new-partner-your-kids
- ↑ https://au.reachout.com/articles/5-ways-to-get-your-parents-to-really-listen-to-you
- ↑ https://au.reachout.com/articles/5-ways-to-get-your-parents-to-really-listen-to-you
- ↑ https://www.apa.org/topics/stress/manage-social-support
About This Article
Article Summary
X
To tell your parents you have a boyfriend, write out what you want to say and practice it a few times if you’re afraid you’ll get flustered. If you feel closer to one of your parents or you think one will be more accepting than the other, then you may want to tell them first. Otherwise, tell your parents at the same time to get it over with. When preparing to break your news, pick a time when your parents aren’t too tired or stressed so that their frustration doesn’t spill over into your conversation. Once it’s time to talk to them, try to be as direct as possible. For example, you might say “I love you both, and I don’t want to upset you. Also, I want to be honest with you about my life. I want to tell you about the boy that I’ve started dating.” To learn how to react if your parents disapprove, keep reading!
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Reader Success Stories
- "I was really nervous to tell my overprotective dad about my new crush. But after reading this, I got an idea to bring it up while we were just chilling in the pool. I mentioned dating, and he seemed surprisingly cool talking about it! Now I feel way more confident that when the right time comes, he'll be open if I say I have an actual boyfriend. Easing into it casually is so the way to go. " ..." more
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"I was really nervous to tell my overprotective dad about my new crush. But after reading this, I got an idea to bring it up while we were just chilling in the pool. I mentioned dating, and he seemed surprisingly cool talking about it! Now I feel way more confident that when the right time comes, he'll be open if I say I have an actual boyfriend. Easing into it casually is so the way to go.
"
..."
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"This helped me because I am 12 and my crush asked me out. I told them yes but I didn't know how to tell my dad, because my mom died 4 years ago and my dad is very over protective, and all my besties have boyfriends but I don't. I told my dad when he wasn't stressed and I didn't act up or anything, it was perfect. At first my dad was unsure, but then he told me I was growing up and boyfriends were gonna happen. "
..."
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"I felt this so hard where it talks about coming out to unsupportive parents. Reaching out to LGBTQ friends first helped me gain confidence. Contacting a nonprofit like The Trevor Project provided me with resources to better explain my sexuality. Though it was painful when my parents reacted badly, surrounding myself with allies got me through that difficult time. You don't have to do this alone.
"
..."
more
"When I first told my traditional Caribbean mother about my boyfriend, she was very upset. This article reminded me to have patience and keep communication open, even when she refused to discuss it further. After giving her time to process the news, she gradually became more accepting. Getting parents to change their minds can take time and repeated effort.
"
..."
more
"As a shy person, I've always found it hard to talk to my old-school mom about dating. This guide said to wait until she's in a good mood before spilling the news. I'm still anxious about how she'll react, but picking the timing really carefully might soften the blow when I finally admit I have a boyfriend. Baby steps are key for quiet people like me!
"
..."
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