How to Tell if Your Boyfriend Is Gay

Co-authored by Dan Hickey Reviewed by John Keegan

Last Updated: September 30, 2024 Fact Checked

If you're a woman, you may have noticed things about your boyfriend that lead you to believe he's gay or interested in men. Sexuality is highly complex and sensitive, and there are a lot of inaccurate stereotypes out there that don't truly reflect a person's sexual orientation. You can't know for sure unless he tells you himself, but noting possible signs can make it easier to start a conversation. Keep reading for a thorough list of potential signs that your boyfriend might be gay.

1

He’s emotionally detached.

Download Article

{"smallUrl":"https:\/\/www.wikihow.com\/images\/thumb\/4\/48\/Tell-if-Your-Boyfriend-Is-Gay-Step-1.jpg\/v4-460px-Tell-if-Your-Boyfriend-Is-Gay-Step-1.jpg","bigUrl":"\/images\/thumb\/4\/48\/Tell-if-Your-Boyfriend-Is-Gay-Step-1.jpg\/aid13007693-v4-728px-Tell-if-Your-Boyfriend-Is-Gay-Step-1.jpg","smallWidth":460,"smallHeight":345,"bigWidth":728,"bigHeight":546,"licensing":"<div class=\"mw-parser-output\">\u00a9 2024 wikiHow, Inc. All rights reserved. wikiHow, Inc. is the copyright holder of this image under U.S. and international copyright laws. This image is not<\/b> licensed under the Creative Commons license applied to text content and some other images posted to the wikiHow website. This image may not be used by other entities without the express written consent of wikiHow, Inc. \n<\/p> \n<\/p><\/div>"}

There are many reasons why someone might act this way, so this by itself is not a surefire sign that he’s gay. However, if you notice this alongside several other behaviors from this list, it could be a meaningful indicator. ^{[1]
X
Research source}

2

He doesn't seem interested in sex with you.

Download Article

{"smallUrl":"https:\/\/www.wikihow.com\/images\/thumb\/8\/84\/Tell-if-Your-Boyfriend-Is-Gay-Step-2.jpg\/v4-460px-Tell-if-Your-Boyfriend-Is-Gay-Step-2.jpg","bigUrl":"\/images\/thumb\/8\/84\/Tell-if-Your-Boyfriend-Is-Gay-Step-2.jpg\/aid13007693-v4-728px-Tell-if-Your-Boyfriend-Is-Gay-Step-2.jpg","smallWidth":460,"smallHeight":345,"bigWidth":728,"bigHeight":546,"licensing":"<div class=\"mw-parser-output\">\u00a9 2024 wikiHow, Inc. All rights reserved. wikiHow, Inc. is the copyright holder of this image under U.S. and international copyright laws. This image is not<\/b> licensed under the Creative Commons license applied to text content and some other images posted to the wikiHow website. This image may not be used by other entities without the express written consent of wikiHow, Inc. \n<\/p> \n<\/p><\/div>"}
Has there been a lack of physical intimacy? It’s normal for relationships to ebb and flow. However, if there's a decline that never picks up again or if he tries to convince you that all relationships eventually fizzle out sexually, it might mean he is hiding his true self. ^{[2]
X
Research source} Other signs include:
- He seems turned off when you get intimate
- He’s less passionate or mechanical in bed
- There’s a lack of pleasurable foreplay
- He accuses you of being sex-obsessed when you express normal needs

3

His dirty talk or fantasies involve other men.

Download Article

{"smallUrl":"https:\/\/www.wikihow.com\/images\/thumb\/7\/76\/Tell-if-Your-Boyfriend-Is-Gay-Step-3.jpg\/v4-460px-Tell-if-Your-Boyfriend-Is-Gay-Step-3.jpg","bigUrl":"\/images\/thumb\/7\/76\/Tell-if-Your-Boyfriend-Is-Gay-Step-3.jpg\/aid13007693-v4-728px-Tell-if-Your-Boyfriend-Is-Gay-Step-3.jpg","smallWidth":460,"smallHeight":345,"bigWidth":728,"bigHeight":546,"licensing":"<div class=\"mw-parser-output\">\u00a9 2024 wikiHow, Inc. All rights reserved. wikiHow, Inc. is the copyright holder of this image under U.S. and international copyright laws. This image is not<\/b> licensed under the Creative Commons license applied to text content and some other images posted to the wikiHow website. This image may not be used by other entities without the express written consent of wikiHow, Inc. \n<\/p> \n<\/p><\/div>"}
Are you a part of the fantasy too, or is it male-only? If it comes up infrequently and his arousal disappears when you’re not involved, it’s probably just a kink or fetish about a specific scenario. If he regularly expresses this desire, though, it’s possible he has an attraction to other men. ^{[3]
X
Research source}
- Frequent pressure for a threesome with 2 men or a scenario where you watch him and another man are possible signs.
- There are a lot of reasons a straight man might have these fantasies, including cuckolding kinks or even past sexual abuse. Be sensitive as you approach this topic.

4

Keep in mind that he could be bisexual, pansexual, or another LGBTQ identity.

Download Article

{"smallUrl":"https:\/\/www.wikihow.com\/images\/thumb\/2\/23\/Tell-if-Your-Boyfriend-Is-Gay-Step-4.jpg\/v4-460px-Tell-if-Your-Boyfriend-Is-Gay-Step-4.jpg","bigUrl":"\/images\/thumb\/2\/23\/Tell-if-Your-Boyfriend-Is-Gay-Step-4.jpg\/aid13007693-v4-728px-Tell-if-Your-Boyfriend-Is-Gay-Step-4.jpg","smallWidth":460,"smallHeight":345,"bigWidth":728,"bigHeight":546,"licensing":"<div class=\"mw-parser-output\">\u00a9 2024 wikiHow, Inc. All rights reserved. wikiHow, Inc. is the copyright holder of this image under U.S. and international copyright laws. This image is not<\/b> licensed under the Creative Commons license applied to text content and some other images posted to the wikiHow website. This image may not be used by other entities without the express written consent of wikiHow, Inc. \n<\/p> \n<\/p><\/div>"}
If you believe your boyfriend loves and cares for you but he "seems to be gay," keep in mind that he could be bisexual , pansexual , or interested in men. For instance, if he is pansexual, (attracted to all genders regardless of sex) bisexual (attracted to two genders, typically men and women), or queer (not heterosexual) there's a chance he loves you and is attracted to you, but he's still interested in men or has had relationships with men--he could also be questioning his sexual orientation.
- There are several identities in which someone can be interested in more than one gender, so don't think he's "just gay".
- Don't blatantly ask him, "Are you bisexual?". This is rude and can surprise him. Instead, approach the topic by sitting down and asking him, "I had a question, I was wondering if you are interested in men?" If he says he is interested in men, also ask him if he's attracted to you/women.

5

He watches gay pornography by himself.

Download Article

{"smallUrl":"https:\/\/www.wikihow.com\/images\/thumb\/3\/35\/Tell-if-Your-Boyfriend-Is-Gay-Step-5.jpg\/v4-460px-Tell-if-Your-Boyfriend-Is-Gay-Step-5.jpg","bigUrl":"\/images\/thumb\/3\/35\/Tell-if-Your-Boyfriend-Is-Gay-Step-5.jpg\/aid13007693-v4-728px-Tell-if-Your-Boyfriend-Is-Gay-Step-5.jpg","smallWidth":460,"smallHeight":345,"bigWidth":728,"bigHeight":546,"licensing":"<div class=\"mw-parser-output\">\u00a9 2024 wikiHow, Inc. All rights reserved. wikiHow, Inc. is the copyright holder of this image under U.S. and international copyright laws. This image is not<\/b> licensed under the Creative Commons license applied to text content and some other images posted to the wikiHow website. This image may not be used by other entities without the express written consent of wikiHow, Inc. \n<\/p> \n<\/p><\/div>"}
Watching an occasional male-only scene is not a huge red flag. This is especially true if he’s watching it with you. If you stumble upon evidence of gay porn on his computer or phone, though, that may be a little different. This alone isn't a reliable sign, but it may mean he’s withholding sexual information. ^{[4]
X
Research source} See if:
- He erases his browser history regularly.
- You find pop-ups of gay porn on your/his computer or stored video files.
- He aggressively denies searching for or watching gay scenes.

6

He doesn’t check out other women.

Download Article

{"smallUrl":"https:\/\/www.wikihow.com\/images\/thumb\/6\/66\/Tell-if-Your-Boyfriend-Is-Gay-Step-6.jpg\/v4-460px-Tell-if-Your-Boyfriend-Is-Gay-Step-6.jpg","bigUrl":"\/images\/thumb\/6\/66\/Tell-if-Your-Boyfriend-Is-Gay-Step-6.jpg\/aid13007693-v4-728px-Tell-if-Your-Boyfriend-Is-Gay-Step-6.jpg","smallWidth":460,"smallHeight":345,"bigWidth":728,"bigHeight":546,"licensing":"<div class=\"mw-parser-output\">\u00a9 2024 wikiHow, Inc. All rights reserved. wikiHow, Inc. is the copyright holder of this image under U.S. and international copyright laws. This image is not<\/b> licensed under the Creative Commons license applied to text content and some other images posted to the wikiHow website. This image may not be used by other entities without the express written consent of wikiHow, Inc. \n<\/p> \n<\/p><\/div>"}
This is more significant if he also openly checks out other guys. When you’re in public or around other people, watch to see where his attention goes. If he’s deliberately looking at no one or if his gaze falls frequently on other men, he may be hiding a secret attraction. He could also be asexual or not interested in relationships if he doesn't check out anyone. ^{[5]
X
Research source}
- It’s likely a straight guy would try to avoid looking at other women while you’re around to avoid offending you. Look for subtle signs, not obvious gestures.
- If he checks out men and women equally, it’s possible he’s bisexual.

7

He’s overly affectionate with other men.

Download Article

{"smallUrl":"https:\/\/www.wikihow.com\/images\/thumb\/c\/c5\/Tell-if-Your-Boyfriend-Is-Gay-Step-7.jpg\/v4-460px-Tell-if-Your-Boyfriend-Is-Gay-Step-7.jpg","bigUrl":"\/images\/thumb\/c\/c5\/Tell-if-Your-Boyfriend-Is-Gay-Step-7.jpg\/aid13007693-v4-728px-Tell-if-Your-Boyfriend-Is-Gay-Step-7.jpg","smallWidth":460,"smallHeight":345,"bigWidth":728,"bigHeight":546,"licensing":"<div class=\"mw-parser-output\">\u00a9 2024 wikiHow, Inc. All rights reserved. wikiHow, Inc. is the copyright holder of this image under U.S. and international copyright laws. This image is not<\/b> licensed under the Creative Commons license applied to text content and some other images posted to the wikiHow website. This image may not be used by other entities without the express written consent of wikiHow, Inc. \n<\/p> \n<\/p><\/div>"}
Does he excessively compliment or touch other men? Observe how he acts in social settings. If he’s gay, he might thrive on other men’s attention, frequently touch or hug them, or exchange flirty comments with them (especially about their physical appearance). ^{[6]
X
Trustworthy Source
PubMed Central
Journal archive from the U.S. National Institutes of Health
Go to source} Other signs might be:
- He brags about getting hit on or asked out by other men
- He gushes about other men’s bodies or personalities to you

8

He’s too close to his best friend.

Download Article

{"smallUrl":"https:\/\/www.wikihow.com\/images\/thumb\/e\/e8\/Tell-if-Your-Boyfriend-Is-Gay-Step-8.jpg\/v4-460px-Tell-if-Your-Boyfriend-Is-Gay-Step-8.jpg","bigUrl":"\/images\/thumb\/e\/e8\/Tell-if-Your-Boyfriend-Is-Gay-Step-8.jpg\/aid13007693-v4-728px-Tell-if-Your-Boyfriend-Is-Gay-Step-8.jpg","smallWidth":460,"smallHeight":345,"bigWidth":728,"bigHeight":546,"licensing":"<div class=\"mw-parser-output\">\u00a9 2024 wikiHow, Inc. All rights reserved. wikiHow, Inc. is the copyright holder of this image under U.S. and international copyright laws. This image is not<\/b> licensed under the Creative Commons license applied to text content and some other images posted to the wikiHow website. This image may not be used by other entities without the express written consent of wikiHow, Inc. \n<\/p> \n<\/p><\/div>"}
Do you get the sense he wants more than just friendship? Look for signs of intimacy beyond typical friendship. If you feel excluded or like a third wheel when you’re with your boyfriend and his BFF, he might have secret feelings for his friend. ^{[7]
X
Trustworthy Source
PubMed Central
Journal archive from the U.S. National Institutes of Health
Go to source} Some signs might be:
- He gives lavish gifts to his male friend
- They exchange secret looks or whisper to each other around other people
- You get the feeling you “walked in on something” when you encounter them together

9

He has many LGBTQ friends.

Download Article

{"smallUrl":"https:\/\/www.wikihow.com\/images\/thumb\/0\/0d\/Tell-if-Your-Boyfriend-Is-Gay-Step-9.jpg\/v4-460px-Tell-if-Your-Boyfriend-Is-Gay-Step-9.jpg","bigUrl":"\/images\/thumb\/0\/0d\/Tell-if-Your-Boyfriend-Is-Gay-Step-9.jpg\/aid13007693-v4-728px-Tell-if-Your-Boyfriend-Is-Gay-Step-9.jpg","smallWidth":460,"smallHeight":345,"bigWidth":728,"bigHeight":546,"licensing":"<div class=\"mw-parser-output\">\u00a9 2024 wikiHow, Inc. All rights reserved. wikiHow, Inc. is the copyright holder of this image under U.S. and international copyright laws. This image is not<\/b> licensed under the Creative Commons license applied to text content and some other images posted to the wikiHow website. This image may not be used by other entities without the express written consent of wikiHow, Inc. \n<\/p> \n<\/p><\/div>"}
He may surround himself with gay companions to fill an unrequited need. Notice if he frequently hangs out with his gay friends, or joins them on nights out at LGBTQ+ bars and clubs. His social circle could reflect his sexual orientation, even if he’s not 100% aware of it. ^{[8]
X
Trustworthy Source
PubMed Central
Journal archive from the U.S. National Institutes of Health
Go to source}
- He might also keep his friend group secret from you. There’s a chance he’d be outed if you saw him with them, or he might have a secret relationship with someone in the group. ^{[9]
 X
 Research source}

10

He acts homophobic.

Download Article

{"smallUrl":"https:\/\/www.wikihow.com\/images\/thumb\/d\/dc\/Tell-if-Your-Boyfriend-Is-Gay-Step-10.jpg\/v4-460px-Tell-if-Your-Boyfriend-Is-Gay-Step-10.jpg","bigUrl":"\/images\/thumb\/d\/dc\/Tell-if-Your-Boyfriend-Is-Gay-Step-10.jpg\/aid13007693-v4-728px-Tell-if-Your-Boyfriend-Is-Gay-Step-10.jpg","smallWidth":460,"smallHeight":345,"bigWidth":728,"bigHeight":546,"licensing":"<div class=\"mw-parser-output\">\u00a9 2024 wikiHow, Inc. All rights reserved. wikiHow, Inc. is the copyright holder of this image under U.S. and international copyright laws. This image is not<\/b> licensed under the Creative Commons license applied to text content and some other images posted to the wikiHow website. This image may not be used by other entities without the express written consent of wikiHow, Inc. \n<\/p> \n<\/p><\/div>"}
A closeted man may act this way to draw suspicion away from himself. They think, “If I act like I don’t like gay men, no one will think I am one.” Notice if he acts uncomfortable around gay men, regularly makes homophobic comments or jokes, or deliberately never talks about anything remotely gay. ^{[10]
X
Research source}
- This is often referred to as internalized homophobia.
- Another indicator could be an obsession with knowing another person's sexuality, like “needing” to know if someone is LGBTQ+ or identifying others solely on their sexual orientation. ^{[11]
 X
 Research source}

11

His family is homophobic.

Download Article

{"smallUrl":"https:\/\/www.wikihow.com\/images\/thumb\/8\/8d\/Tell-if-Your-Boyfriend-Is-Gay-Step-11.jpg\/v4-460px-Tell-if-Your-Boyfriend-Is-Gay-Step-11.jpg","bigUrl":"\/images\/thumb\/8\/8d\/Tell-if-Your-Boyfriend-Is-Gay-Step-11.jpg\/aid13007693-v4-728px-Tell-if-Your-Boyfriend-Is-Gay-Step-11.jpg","smallWidth":460,"smallHeight":345,"bigWidth":728,"bigHeight":546,"licensing":"<div class=\"mw-parser-output\">\u00a9 2024 wikiHow, Inc. All rights reserved. wikiHow, Inc. is the copyright holder of this image under U.S. and international copyright laws. This image is not<\/b> licensed under the Creative Commons license applied to text content and some other images posted to the wikiHow website. This image may not be used by other entities without the express written consent of wikiHow, Inc. \n<\/p> \n<\/p><\/div>"}
A closeted man might enter a straight relationship to fool his family. If his relatives are highly anti-gay, he may not feel safe or welcome to come out to them. He might also be wrestling with internalized homophobia or self-loathing because of the conflict between his identity and his upbringing. ^{[12]
X
Trustworthy Source
PubMed Central
Journal archive from the U.S. National Institutes of Health
Go to source} He may fear repercussions like:
- Being kicked out of his house or shunned
- Losing financial support
- In extreme cases, physical violence

12

He has a gay dating app profile.

Download Article

{"smallUrl":"https:\/\/www.wikihow.com\/images\/thumb\/c\/c1\/Tell-if-Your-Boyfriend-Is-Gay-Step-12.jpg\/v4-460px-Tell-if-Your-Boyfriend-Is-Gay-Step-12.jpg","bigUrl":"\/images\/thumb\/c\/c1\/Tell-if-Your-Boyfriend-Is-Gay-Step-12.jpg\/aid13007693-v4-728px-Tell-if-Your-Boyfriend-Is-Gay-Step-12.jpg","smallWidth":460,"smallHeight":345,"bigWidth":728,"bigHeight":546,"licensing":"<div class=\"mw-parser-output\">\u00a9 2024 wikiHow, Inc. All rights reserved. wikiHow, Inc. is the copyright holder of this image under U.S. and international copyright laws. This image is not<\/b> licensed under the Creative Commons license applied to text content and some other images posted to the wikiHow website. This image may not be used by other entities without the express written consent of wikiHow, Inc. \n<\/p> \n<\/p><\/div>"}
This is the biggest sign your boyfriend may be gay. You might notice a popular LGBTQ dating app like Grindr or Scruff, or it’s possible he’s using apps like Tinder or Hinge with the preferences set to men. Look for excessive texting or messaging at odd hours. ^{[13]
X
Research source}
- He might use social media to coordinate dates or hookups. Look at his profiles for suspicious followers, and look at who he follows as well. ^{[14]
 X
 Research source}
- It’s not recommended to catfish your boyfriend on an app or comb through his phone without his knowledge since this is a major violation of his privacy.

13

He’s been with other men before.

Download Article

{"smallUrl":"https:\/\/www.wikihow.com\/images\/thumb\/5\/5e\/Tell-if-Your-Boyfriend-Is-Gay-Step-13.jpg\/v4-460px-Tell-if-Your-Boyfriend-Is-Gay-Step-13.jpg","bigUrl":"\/images\/thumb\/5\/5e\/Tell-if-Your-Boyfriend-Is-Gay-Step-13.jpg\/aid13007693-v4-728px-Tell-if-Your-Boyfriend-Is-Gay-Step-13.jpg","smallWidth":460,"smallHeight":345,"bigWidth":728,"bigHeight":546,"licensing":"<div class=\"mw-parser-output\">\u00a9 2024 wikiHow, Inc. All rights reserved. wikiHow, Inc. is the copyright holder of this image under U.S. and international copyright laws. This image is not<\/b> licensed under the Creative Commons license applied to text content and some other images posted to the wikiHow website. This image may not be used by other entities without the express written consent of wikiHow, Inc. \n<\/p> \n<\/p><\/div>"}
A previous gay relationship or encounter can be a major indicator. Notice how you find out about it. If he tells you himself, he might be confident in his sexuality and just sharing a past experience. If someone else told you or he told you while he was drunk, it could be a sign he’s struggling and can’t talk about it openly. ^{[15]
X
Research source}
- An encounter in his teen or college years is more likely to mean he’s gay or queer than an experience later in life, which could have more complex explanations. ^{[16]
 X
 Trustworthy Source
 PubMed Central
 Journal archive from the U.S. National Institutes of Health
 Go to source}

14

Ask him.

Download Article

{"smallUrl":"https:\/\/www.wikihow.com\/images\/thumb\/0\/09\/Tell-if-Your-Boyfriend-Is-Gay-Step-14.jpg\/v4-460px-Tell-if-Your-Boyfriend-Is-Gay-Step-14.jpg","bigUrl":"\/images\/thumb\/0\/09\/Tell-if-Your-Boyfriend-Is-Gay-Step-14.jpg\/aid13007693-v4-728px-Tell-if-Your-Boyfriend-Is-Gay-Step-14.jpg","smallWidth":460,"smallHeight":345,"bigWidth":728,"bigHeight":546,"licensing":"<div class=\"mw-parser-output\">\u00a9 2024 wikiHow, Inc. All rights reserved. wikiHow, Inc. is the copyright holder of this image under U.S. and international copyright laws. This image is not<\/b> licensed under the Creative Commons license applied to text content and some other images posted to the wikiHow website. This image may not be used by other entities without the express written consent of wikiHow, Inc. \n<\/p> \n<\/p><\/div>"}
The best option is to have a calm talk with your boyfriend. If your suspicions are strong, a safe and warm conversation will clear things up faster and bring peace of mind. ^{[17]
X
Expert Source

Kateri Berasi, PsyD
Licensed Clinical Psychologist

Expert Interview. 9 September 2021.} Remember, sexuality is highly complex and includes more than just gay and straight. Your boyfriend could be bisexual, asexual, or only slightly attracted to men while preferring an emotional and physical relationship with women. ^{[18]
X
Research source}
- Try to be there to listen and support him if he is struggling or confused.
- It's always better to ask than to make assumptions about someone's sexuality. ^{[19]
 X
 Expert Source
 
 Kateri Berasi, PsyD
 Licensed Clinical Psychologist
 
 Expert Interview. 9 September 2021.}

Expert Q&A

Search

Add New Question

Ask a Question

200 characters left

Include your email address to get a message when this question is answered.

Submit

Video

Tips

You did not cause your boyfriend to be gay or to engage in secretive behavior. If your boyfriend is sneaking around to meet other men, remember that his actions are about him and his unmet needs, not you.

Thanks
Helpful 117 Not Helpful 35
Don’t rely on gay stereotypes like an effeminate voice or walk, flashy or tight clothing, his TV and music preferences, or being a neat freak to determine your boyfriend’s sexuality. There are many gay men that exhibit none of these traits, as well as many straight men that do.

Thanks
Helpful 122 Not Helpful 38
Keep in mind he could also identify as bisexual or pansexual.

Thanks
Helpful 103 Not Helpful 36

Submit a Tip

All tip submissions are carefully reviewed before being published

Name

Please provide your name and last initial

Submit

Thanks for submitting a tip for review!

Warnings

For the social, emotional, and physical well-being of your boyfriend, don't discuss his sexuality with others or publicly out him. It’s possible that he is not fully aware of his own sexuality yet, or he's hiding it because of safety concerns. A forced outing can be highly damaging to his mental health and personal relationships.

Thanks
Helpful 77 Not Helpful 31

[1]

[2]

[3]

[4]

[5]

[6]

Trustworthy Source

Go to source

[7]

[8]

[9]

[10]

[11]

[12]

[13]

[14]

[15]

[16]

[17]

Kateri Berasi, PsyD
Licensed Clinical Psychologist

[18]

[19]

Log in

How to Tell if Your Boyfriend Is Gay

Steps

He’s emotionally detached.

He doesn't seem interested in sex with you.

His dirty talk or fantasies involve other men.

Keep in mind that he could be bisexual, pansexual, or another LGBTQ identity.

He watches gay pornography by himself.

He doesn’t check out other women.

He’s overly affectionate with other men.

He’s too close to his best friend.

He has many LGBTQ friends.

He acts homophobic.

His family is homophobic.

He has a gay dating app profile.

He’s been with other men before.

Ask him.

Expert Q&A

Video

Tips

Warnings

You Might Also Like

References

About This Article

Reader Success Stories

Did this article help you?

Quizzes

You Might Also Like

Featured Articles

Trending Articles

Featured Articles

Featured Articles

Watch Articles

Trending Articles

Quizzes

Explore Categories