Here's What Happens When You Ignore a Manipulator

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Learn how to handle manipulative people with this expert guide
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Dealing with manipulative individuals is both exhausting and hurtful. Tactics like gaslighting can make you question your sense of reality, while other manipulative tricks can leave you feeling guilty and anxious. [1] In many ways, ignoring a manipulative partner, friend, or loved one can seem like the best way to escape their grasp—but this can also send the manipulator into overdrive. We’ll walk you through everything you need to expect and know, including what manipulators do after being ignored, and how you can deal with this individual once and for all.

Things You Should Know

  • An ignored manipulator may respond with aggressive behavior, like launching a smear campaign against you or calling and texting you frequently.
  • Alternatively, an ignored manipulator might try to get your friends or family involved in the conflict or guilt-trip you into contacting them.
  • Cut ties with a manipulator by stating your intentions directly with a quick explanation.
Section 1 of 4:

What Manipulators Do After Being Ignored

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  1. Better known as “ smear campaigns ,” a manipulator might try spreading nasty rumors and lies about you in an attempt to hurt your reputation. In some cases, manipulators do this as a means of controlling the narrative, or to paint themselves in a more positive light. [2]
  2. Guilt-tripping is a manipulation tactic that attempts to make someone intentionally feel guilty about something. [3] If you refuse to play into their manipulative tactics, they might:
    • Give you the silent treatment in hopes that you get in contact with them again
    • Make comments like “After all I’ve done for you, this is how you treat me?” or sarcastic barbs like “Wow, this is really mature of you.”
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  3. Manipulators sometimes send a huge amount of text messages in order to grate on your nerves. In some cases, they might send dozens or even 100+ messages as a way to get your attention. [4]
  4. An ignored manipulator might stoop to unconventional avenues in an attempt to get your attention, like interacting with an old social media post of yours.
  5. Some manipulators try to bring people from your social circle (like a close relative or friend) into the conflict as a way of getting the upper hand. [5] For example, a manipulator might cozy up to your parents or siblings in hopes that it’ll force you to make contact with them.
  6. The manipulator might give you some space first and acknowledge that your relationship is over, only to get in touch further down the line. In this message, they won’t acknowledge any of the issues that affected you both in the past—rather, they’ll act like everything is fine.
    • “Hey, it’s been a while! Want to get some drinks tonight?”
    • “What’s up? I’d love to hang out sometime.”
  7. Manipulators might create a scenario where they’re acting suicidal, or manufacture some other emergency to get you back into their orbit. In their eyes, this tactic helps them regain control over you—plus, it allows them to be showered in attention. [6]
    • They might make up a story about how a parent is gravely ill, or how they were just in a serious car accident.
  8. When ignored, some manipulators might go to extremes as a means of getting back at you (namely, through abuse). Physical abuse involves any action that creates physical harm (like slapping, choking, and kicking). [7] Meanwhile, emotional and verbal abuse can involve financial control, public humiliation, threats of self-harm, and more. [8]
  9. A common goal of many manipulators is to gain control over their victims so they themselves don’t lose control. [9] When you’re no longer playing into their manipulative tactics, though, they might break away permanently and look for easier prey to pick on.
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Section 2 of 4:

How to Deal with a Manipulator

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  1. Let them know what type of language and behavior is and isn’t acceptable to you—and make it clear when they cross the lines you establish. The earlier you set these boundaries , the easier it will be to enforce them further down the line. [10]
    • “I’m happy to discuss these matters with you, but I won’t tolerate any guilt-tripping. If you continue to speak to me in this way, I’ll end the conversation.”
    • “I feel hurt and annoyed when you make passive-aggressive comments about me. I refuse to engage in a conversation unless you share your feelings directly.”
    • “It makes me uncomfortable when you bring our friends and family members into personal conflicts. Please speak to me directly if you have an issue with me.”
  2. A manipulator might try to veer away from the main conversation and transition to a topic that they can manipulate and have more control over (or simply distract you from whatever the main topic is). Whenever this happens, clearly steer your conversation back onto the track to what you were originally discussing. [11]
    • “Please don’t change the subject.”
    • “We can talk about that later, but for now, I’d like to discuss what you said yesterday.”
    • “We haven’t finished discussing what we were originally talking about.”
  3. Empathy is all about being in tune with your emotions—and, most importantly, channeling these emotions effectively in your conversations. While you definitely don’t have to tell your manipulator that you agree with them, you can try to empathize with how they’re feeling. [12]
    • Try practicing active listening skills , like giving the person time to share their thoughts and making eye contact throughout the conversation.
    • You might say something like “While I don’t fully agree with what you’re saying, I do understand where you’re coming from—that sounds really frustrating.”
  4. More than anything, a manipulator wants to throw you off balance and make you feel negatively. Take this power away from them by keeping a calm and clear head whenever you interact with them. [13] Try relaxation techniques like:
    • Visualization: Envision yourself in a calm and soothing place where it’s easy to relax, like in the middle of a peaceful park. Incorporate as many different senses into your visualization as you can. [14]
    • Deep breathing : Inhale through your nose while exhaling through your mouth for several minutes. [15]
  5. Let a trusted friend or loved one know what’s going on—explain how the manipulator acts around you as well as what they say. Your support system might have some useful advice or life experience that can help you tackle and surpass this frustrating challenge. [16]
  6. Manipulative individuals feel most in control when they make you feel guilty, doubtful, or even afraid. How does spending time with this individual make you feel? If you’re frequently filled with negative emotions, it might be time to meditate on why that is the case. [17]
  7. As discouraging as a manipulator’s actions can be, it’s important to remember that a manipulator’s behavior says everything about them and nothing about you. Chances are, they’re just using you to fulfill their own needs (like a need for power or control). [18]
  8. Whenever you decide to end things , keep the conversation short and non-negotiable. Let them know exactly how you’re feeling, and make it clear that the relationship is done. Don’t give the manipulator time to protest your decision—just say your piece and end the conversation. [19]
    • “I can’t handle how controlling and obsessive you are over everything I do. I’m breaking up with you.”
    • “I feel really bad about myself whenever I spend time with you, and I think it’s time we go our separate ways.”
    • “We may be family, but you always treat me with such scorn and disdain. I don’t want to spend time with you anymore.”
    • Reader Poll: We asked 1014 wikiHow readers, and 71% of them agreed that the most effective way to ignore a manipulator is to cut off or limit your contact with them . [Take Poll]
  9. Your safety and well-being always come first, especially if the manipulative individual in your life is actively threatening you or making you feel unsafe in any way. Come up with a plan that gets you a safe distance away from the individual , and let a trusted friend or loved one know what’s happening. [20]
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Section 3 of 4:

What makes someone manipulative?

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  1. At its core, manipulation is all about being a powerful and controlling force in any given situation—manipulators want to pull the strings and watch everything unfold according to their will. They’ll reach this goal by any means necessary, even if this means interfering with another person’s thoughts, emotions, and perceptions. [21]
    • Manipulators don’t like being in situations they aren’t in total control of, and prefer predictable scenarios that they can use to their advantage. For instance, a person might pretend to be sick to manipulate their partner into staying home rather than going out to a club (that’s filled with lots of different people and variables that can’t be predicted or controlled).
  2. Manipulators often don’t feel great about themselves or may have originally leaned on manipulative tactics as a means of staying afloat in different social situations (like their familial environment growing up). [22]
    • People aren’t always manipulative on purpose—these patterns may have started because of a person’s family system with these “old” rules now being adapted to a new relationship.
    • Manipulative individuals need to learn that the shadow side of themselves is attempting this behavior and that they’re responsible for figuring out whatever needs these manipulative habits are trying to meet.
  3. Conditions like Antisocial Personality Disorder (ASPD) , Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) , Histrionic Personality Disorder (HPD) , and Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) often motivate individuals to act in manipulative ways. For instance, individuals with BPD may take drastic, manipulative measures to prevent what they perceive as abandonment from occurring. [23]
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Section 4 of 4:

Key Takeaways

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  1. Everyone deserves to be treated with basic courtesy and respect. If a person repeatedly crosses your boundaries and manipulates you, you’re well within your right to stand up for yourself . Even if it’s tough at first, you deserve to surround yourself with people who treat you kindly and respectfully. Here are a few affirmations that may help you feel more empowered:
    • I deserve to be treated respectfully.
    • I am entitled to my spare time.
    • I am allowed to agree to and refuse whatever I like.
    • I am allowed to disagree with other people. [24]
  2. At the end of the day, we have no control or sway over what happens in other people’s lives—only our own. [25] While you can’t control how a manipulator acts, you can control the power they have over your life. Setting boundaries or even cutting ties with this toxic individual could be an effective way to regain some control.
  3. A variety of factors can cause someone to manipulate, including past family history, certain mental illnesses, and/or a need to be in control. [26] Chances are, a manipulator won’t bother sticking around someone who can’t be swayed or influenced by their manipulations, and will eventually move on.
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      References

      1. ↑ https://psychcentral.com/blog/signs-manipulation-in-relationships#signs
      2. ↑ https://www.choosingtherapy.com/narcissist-smear-campaign/
      3. ↑ https://psychcentral.com/health/guilt-trip#guilt-trip-meaning
      4. ↑ https://psychcentral.com/health/coercive-control
      5. ↑ https://psychcentral.com/blog/psychology-self/2019/10/triangulation-and-narcissism#1
      6. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/love-in-the-age-narcissism/202102/lying-die-why-narcissists-may-lie-about-their-health
      7. ↑ https://www.womenshealth.gov/relationships-and-safety/other-types/physical-abuse
      8. ↑ https://www.womenshealth.gov/relationships-and-safety/other-types/emotional-and-verbal-abuse
      9. ↑ https://psychcentral.com/blog/signs-manipulation-in-relationships#causes
      1. ↑ https://psychcentral.com/blog/signs-manipulation-in-relationships#can-they-change
      2. ↑ https://psychcentral.com/blog/signs-manipulation-in-relationships#How-to-protect-yourself
      3. ↑ https://www.health.harvard.edu/blog/want-to-feel-more-connected-practice-empathy-2021022221992
      4. ↑ https://psychcentral.com/lib/tactics-manipulators-use-to-win-and-confuse-you#how-to-avoid-manipulation
      5. ↑ https://www.mayoclinic.org/healthy-lifestyle/stress-management/in-depth/relaxation-technique/art-20045368
      6. ↑ https://www.nhs.uk/mental-health/self-help/guides-tools-and-activities/breathing-exercises-for-stress/
      7. ↑ https://psychcentral.com/lib/tactics-manipulators-use-to-win-and-confuse-you#how-to-avoid-manipulation
      8. ↑ https://psychcentral.com/blog/signs-manipulation-in-relationships#can-they-change
      9. ↑ https://psychcentral.com/lib/tactics-manipulators-use-to-win-and-confuse-you#how-to-avoid-manipulation
      10. ↑ https://psychcentral.com/health/breaking-up-with-a-narcissistic-personality#how-to-do-it
      11. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/i-hear-you/201807/4-ways-deal-manipulative-people
      12. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/stress-fracture/202206/why-do-people-manipulate
      13. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/stress-fracture/202206/why-do-people-manipulate
      14. ↑ https://psychcentral.com/lib/how-to-spot-manipulation#causes-of-manipulative-behavior
      15. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/communication-success/201406/how-to-spot-and-stop-manipulators
      16. ↑ https://psychcentral.com/blog/coping-with-what-you-cant-control
      17. ↑ https://psychcentral.com/blog/signs-manipulation-in-relationships#causes

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