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Tips for ending things with honesty and empathy so you can both move on
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Breaking up with someone is never easy, and it can be just as emotionally exhausting as getting dumped. A little tact and thoughtfulness, however, can minimize hurt feelings and make things go smoothly. This article will take you through everything you need to know to make your break-up as painless as possible, plus how to heal in the aftermath of a break-up, why break-ups happen, and signs it’s time to break up with your partner.
Things You Should Know
- Break up with your partner in person. This shows you respect them as a person, and it will help you both get closure.
- Be honest about your feelings but not cruel. You want your partner to be clear on why the breakup is happening, but not more hurt than necessary.
- After the break-up, take some time to grieve the relationship, focus on self-care, and spend time with loved ones.
Steps
Section 1 of 3:
How to End a Relationship Respectfully
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End the relationship in person. No matter how much you're dreading it, it’s usually best to end the relationship face-to-face. This gives your significant other the respect they deserve and allows you both to get closure. [1] X Research source It also helps prevent misunderstandings and miscommunications, which occur more frequently on digital forms of communication because they don’t allow you to read cues like body language or facial expression. [2] X Trustworthy Source HelpGuide Nonprofit organization dedicated to providing free, evidence-based mental health and wellness resources. Go to source
- It is acceptable, however, to end the relationship over the phone if you're in a long-distance relationship, and you know you won't see each other for a while.
- It’s also okay to end the relationship via phone or text if you're in a controlling or manipulative relationship .
- In fact, it’s preferable and safer to break up this way if your ex is prone to outbursts, violence, or manipulative behaviors.
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Choose your time and place wisely. Be thoughtful when choosing a time and place for the break-up to avoid uncomfortable situations. [3] X Research source Emotions may run high during the conversation, so it’s usually best to break-up somewhere private, instead of a busy public place. Consider the other person’s schedule as well—it’s not a good idea to break up with them right before they have a big test at school or an important presentation at work.
- Pick a time when they'll be in a calmer emotional state. Don't break up with your partner right after a stressful meeting at work, for example.
- Fridays can be a good choice since this gives your soon-to-be-ex the weekend to recover and process their emotions.
- Don't break up with your partner in your favorite restaurant, bar, or park. Pick a neutral location that has no special meaning for either of you.
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Be firm about your decision to break up. Being wishy-washy or sugar-coating things to “let them down easy” only causes more pain in the end. Use clear, direct language and simply say that you don't want to be in the relationship anymore—doing otherwise creates confusion and leaves the door open for argument. [4] X Research source
- Don’t imply that this is just a “break” or that you might get back together in the end.
- You may think that it'll ease the pain, but if you don't really mean it, their feelings will just get hurt again down the road.
- When you’re sure that someone isn’t the right person for you, it’s best to just say this directly, so you can both start to move on.
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Be honest but not cruel. You don't want your partner to walk away feeling unsure about why the relationship was over, but you don't want them walking away knowing the top 20 things you don't like about them, either. [5] X Research source Be truthful about why the relationship needs to end, but resist the impulse to list every little thing you don’t like about the other person, and avoid blaming them.
- You don't have to go into all the details and rehash old arguments, unless the person is genuinely confused about why you’re ending things.
- Don’t put the person down or add insult to injury. For example, instead of saying. "I don’t want to be with someone so insecure," say something like, "I think it may help you to work on your self-confidence."
- Try to boil it down to a main problem. For example : "We are not compatible enough in key areas," "I don't feel supported by you in my career path," or "I want children and you don't.”
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Be prepared for however they may react. Being on the receiving end of a break-up can cause anger, shock, panic, sadness, and all kinds of other emotions. No matter how the other person reacts, try to remain calm. Put yourself in their shoes and approach the conversation with empathy. You can even show them some kindness by mentioning all the things you appreciate about them, or letting them know that you don’t regret your time together. [6] X Research source
- Comfort them if they need it, but don't let their emotions sway you from your decision. Be compassionate, but also firm.
- If you're worried about leaving your ex alone, call a friend of theirs, explain what happened, and ask if they can come support your ex for a bit.
- If things get too out of control or the conversation becomes circular, step out for a bit to let them cool down, and tell them you can resume the conversation later.
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Establish concrete boundaries for your future interactions. Decide what level of interaction you’re comfortable with, and convey this to your ex in a clear, direct way. Tell them, for example, that you’ll be disengaging on social media, that you won’t respond to phone calls or texts, or that unexpected visits are off-limits. Whatever boundaries you decide on, just make sure to communicate them firmly and enforce them as best you can.
- If you have mutual friends and want to avoid each other for a while, make a "joint custody" plan to see your friends without running into each other.
- If you both have a favorite coffee shop or go to the same gym every time, try to set a schedule that helps you avoid each other.
- Make a plan for returning each other’s belongings as soon as possible, so you don't have to keep seeing each other.
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Section 2 of 3:
Getting Over the Break-Up
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Don't try to be friends right away. Trying to be friends with your ex can prolong the agony of the breakup and make it harder for each of you to move on. It’s usually best to make a clean break, or at least to spend some time apart before trying to become friends. [7] X Research source
- If either of you still has feelings for the other one, it’s too early to try to be friends. Take some more time to make sure you’ve both fully moved on.
- Don’t try to become friends with benefits—this can make things more complicated and hurt your chances of having a successful friendship in the future. [8] X Research source
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Take some time to grieve the relationship. Sure, you're the one who did the breaking up, but you’ll still likely need time to process your emotions. You might be sad that things didn’t work out, or that you're losing their companionship. You may also be dealing with feelings of guilt for ending things, even if you knew it was the right thing to do. Take some time to practice self-care , reflect, and heal. [9] X Trustworthy Source HelpGuide Nonprofit organization dedicated to providing free, evidence-based mental health and wellness resources. Go to source
- Try to use this time to think about what you’ve learned from the relationship. What things would you do differently next time? What are you looking for in a future romantic partner?
- Consider writing about your feelings in a journal. This cathartic practice can help you identify and understand your feelings better as you work on moving on. [10] X Trustworthy Source HelpGuide Nonprofit organization dedicated to providing free, evidence-based mental health and wellness resources. Go to source
- If you’re feeling sad, be kind to yourself. Do things that comfort you, like watching your favorite movie, ordering take out from your favorite restaurant, or even having a good cry.
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Lean on loved ones for support. Spend time with trusted friends and family members as you heal. Break-ups can cause difficult emotions, and talking things out with your loved ones can help you process. [11] X Trustworthy Source HelpGuide Nonprofit organization dedicated to providing free, evidence-based mental health and wellness resources. Go to source Remember, you don’t have to go it alone!
- If you don’t feel comfortable opening up to friends or family, consider talking to a therapist to process your feelings. [12] X Research source
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Enjoy your post-relationship life. After some time has passed, you’ll start to heal and let go of any negative feelings. As you start to feel like yourself again, make an effort to prioritize and enjoy all the positive things in your life. Spend time with friends and family, pursue your hobbies, pick up some new interests, go after your professional goals—whatever your heart desires! [13] X Trustworthy Source HelpGuide Nonprofit organization dedicated to providing free, evidence-based mental health and wellness resources. Go to source
- Focusing on these things will remind you that a romantic relationship is just one aspect of your life, and that you have a lot of other amazing things going for you.
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Additional Help
End an Engagement Smoothly with this Expert Series
Ending any relationship can be daunting, but it doesn't have to be. Read these expert articles for advice on how to break off an engagement gracefully and peacefully.
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QuestionHow do you know if it's time to end a relationship?Elvina Lui is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist specializing in relationship counseling based in the San Francisco Bay Area. Elvina received her Masters in Counseling from Western Seminary in 2007 and trained under the Asian Family Institute in San Francisco and the New Life Community Services in Santa Cruz. She has over 13 years of counseling experience and is trained in the harm reduction model.If you are wondering if you want to end your relationship, first of all you examine how much you assert your needs, how clearly do you know what you want and need in life, and how clear are you about when to draw the line. Start listing out the things you want and even demand from your relationship. You might not have listed them out clearly before, but once you do, it will be your set of guidelines that will make everything clear. Examples of such demands: you need your partner to be emotionally supportive; your partner needs to take responsibility for their actions, and if they did something wrong, they need to apologize; you both need to spend time to bond with each other and to make time for each other. You might not have thought about relationships having bottom lines before, but rightfully we all have needs that should be respected. From a different angle, instead of breaking up as the one solution, maybe the relationship needs repair and improvement. In any case, if you are starting to be unhappy and wonder if you need to break up, something needs to be done.
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Tips
- Avoid playing games or ignoring the person before you break up with them. If you want it to be over, you should break it off sooner rather than later.Thanks
- Don't spark an argument or be confrontational if you can help it. If necessary, wait until everyone has calmed down to have the breakup talk.Thanks
- Do not wait until after sex to break up with someone. It's hurtful and selfish.Thanks
Tips from our Readers
The advice in this section is based on the lived experiences of wikiHow readers like you. If you have a helpful tip you’d like to share on wikiHow, please submit it in the field below.
- If you want to stay friends with an ex, try not to become too close too fast. You'll probably need to give each other some space and steer clear of each others' personal lives for awhile—it could be hurtful, for example, for your ex to hear about your dating life, and vice versa.
- Try not to jump into a new relationship right after breaking up with someone. Chances are you'll need some time to heal and process before starting to date again.
- Be brave, and remind yourself that the choice you made is for the best. You should be proud of your honesty—though the choice was hard, you did it!
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Warnings
- Avoid giving the hope that it can continue. If you have made the decision to move on, then you must make that absolutely clear. If there is still something salvageable, then don't break up. Instead, focus on how you will work together to salvage the relationship. Breaking up should not be a threat or a way to get someone to change.Thanks
- Don't say, "It's not you, it's me." That's offensive and trite, even if true. Most people are aware that this is code for "I am not telling you the real reason but it is something about you, only I lack the courage to say so."Thanks
- Never make them feel totally responsible for the breakdown of the relationship.Thanks
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References
- ↑ ​​ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/i-hear-you/201805/fourteen-ways-break-better
- ↑ https://www.helpguide.org/articles/relationships-communication/nonverbal-communication.htm
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/sex-sociability/201405/how-end-relationship-and-how-not
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/sex-sociability/201405/how-end-relationship-and-how-not
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/i-hear-you/201805/fourteen-ways-break-better
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-attraction-doctor/201509/4-ways-break-someone-compassionately
- ↑ https://psychcentral.com/relationships/set-boundaries-with-your-ex#5
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/naked-truth/202304/can-i-be-friends-with-my-ex
- ↑ https://www.helpguide.org/articles/grief/dealing-with-a-breakup-or-divorce.htm
- ↑ https://www.helpguide.org/articles/grief/dealing-with-a-breakup-or-divorce.htm
- ↑ https://www.helpguide.org/articles/grief/dealing-with-a-breakup-or-divorce.htm
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/culture-shrink/201602/8-ways-recover-breakup
- ↑ https://www.helpguide.org/articles/grief/dealing-with-a-breakup-or-divorce.htm
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/emotional-fitness/201808/top-10-reasons-for-relationship-break-ups
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/friendship-20/202012/20-signs-that-a-relationship-is-over
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/friendship-20/202012/20-signs-that-a-relationship-is-over
About This Article
Article Summary
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To end a relationship, start by choosing a time and place where you can meet privately to break the news to them. When you start the conversation, get straight to the point by stating in a clear way that you don't want to be in the relationship anymore. Explain why the relationship needs to end in a concise way rather than giving a long list of reasons why you're dumping them. Keep in mind that the person getting dumped will typically react with anger, shock, or panic, so prepare yourself for that. Stay calm and avoid getting into an argument about it--just state that you've made up your mind and that's that. For tips on how to act around each other after the breakup, read on!
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- "Very good article. Simply written, but very delicate. Our generation needs this type of article so those who end a relationship are also understood. When someone is ending a relationship, they are judged by society in a cruel way which amplifies the pressure and feelings of guilt. Ending a relationship takes guts, the tips and advice here are really helpful. " ..." more
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"Very good article. Simply written, but very delicate. Our generation needs this type of article so those who end a relationship are also understood. When someone is ending a relationship, they are judged by society in a cruel way which amplifies the pressure and feelings of guilt. Ending a relationship takes guts, the tips and advice here are really helpful.
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