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Understand his mixed signals—and whether you should keep pursuing him or move on
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Few things feel as good as the butterflies you get when you think the guy you’re into might like you back. But what do you do when that very same guy suddenly seems to back off with no explanation? Should you keep pursuing him anyway, or take it as a hint that a relationship with this dude just isn’t written in the stars? There are lots of different reasons a guy might seem interested only to suddenly back off, and while some reasons may indicate it’s not a love match, others don’t necessarily spell doom for the relationship. Keep reading to learn why things might have cooled off between you and your guy—and what to do about it.
This article is based on an interview with our holistic love coach and intuitive healer, Kate Dreyfus, owner of Evolve & Empower. Check out the full interview here.
Things You Should Know
- Look for signs he’s lost interest, such as avoiding you, treating you like a friend, or just seeming less invested in you than he was before.
- Consider reasons his interest may have waned: maybe he’s shy, maybe he’s playing head games, or maybe he’s just realized you’re not compatible!
- Decide whether it’s worth it to pursue him anyway. He might just need time—or he might just not be worth the trouble.
- Ask him directly what’s going on. It may be something you can work through together. If not, at least you know!
Steps
Section 1 of 3:
Possible Reasons Why
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He’s running from his emotions. Dating can bring up a lot of difficult feelings. He may like you but find it too overwhelming to pursue a relationship—or maybe he’s just emotionally unavailable. [1] X Research source
- It’s possible past experiences have colored his current outlook. He may just need time to overcome those experiences—but don’t cross your fingers.
- He might be afraid to let someone in. Hey, love is a scary, scary thing! The thought of getting close to someone and the relationship falling apart is enough to drive a lot of people away from dating altogether.
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He’s got a fear of commitment. Sounds like a cliché, but it happens. Some people interpret “relationship” as “ball and chain,” and this guy could be one of those. He might still have some wild oats to sow, or whatever. Trust us, it’s not worth getting involved with someone like this. [2] X Research source
- It’s possible you’re one of several irons he’s got in the fire. He could be refusing to commit to a single person because he’s interested in seeing multiple people at once, so unless you’re OK with that, it might not work out with this guy.
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He’s just had a bad breakup. He might be backing away because he’s just not ready to dive into something yet. He could be super into you and see you as relationship material, but if he’s not ready to date yet, he might give you a lot of mixed signals about his interest and availability. [3] X Research source
- He may just need to move slowly with you, but there’s a difference between recovering from a breakup and not being over his ex, so proceed with caution. If he’s hung up on his ex , a relationship with this guy is almost certain to be dissatisfying.
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He thinks distancing is a dating technique. Oy vey! There are a lot of “dating experts” out there promulgating the idea that playing hot-and-cold is the way to win someone’s heart. And this form of gameplaying isn’t totally based in myth: studies show we’re pretty much all wired to want what we can’t have. It’s basic reverse psychology. Your guy could be trying to use the “scarcity mindset” to his benefit—but ask yourself, do you want him because you want him, or because you think you can’t have him? [4] X Research source
- This seduction tactic is often employed by people with low self-esteem (as is its cousin, negging) and is designed to lower your self-esteem enough that you think he’s a catch. [5] X Research source
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He may be dating around. It’s possible he’s seeing multiple people at once, and even if he really likes you, he might not be ready to stop playing the field. If he doesn’t seem to be invested in you, it could just be that his interest is divided among several different people at once.
- If his interest has noticeably waned, it could mean he’s met someone else he’s more interested in.
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He has a fear of rejection. He may be acting like he isn’t into you because he’s afraid you’re not into him . The instinct for self-preservation may lead him to ghost you—or to at least be super wary of showing you too much interest. You hold his heart in the palm of your hand like a fluttering little bird. [6] X Research source
- He might think he’s not good enough for you. Humility is a great characteristic in a partner, but insecurity…not so much.
- It’s possible he’s waiting for you to make more moves ! Ask yourself if you’ve made it clear that you like him and want to pursue something with him—or if you’ve been waiting on him to make the moves.
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Things are moving too fast for him. He may be all in—just slowly . If he feels like there’s any pressure to dive into a committed relationship and pick out wedding rings and baby names and the rocking chairs you’ll be rocking in together when you’re 92, anxiety might lead him to distance himself from you. He may not be sure how he feels about you and just need a little time to figure it out, or he may really like you and have cold feet. [7] X Research source
- If you suspect this pertains to your guy, take it slow ! His cold feet might thaw out in time.
- You may not be ready for a big commitment either—but make sure he knows that! He’ll take comfort in knowing there’s no pressure.
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He has other priorities right now. He could be busy with work or preparing for a big cross-country move. He could be focusing on his health. He could be a superhero whose only mistress is the city he defends. There could be any number of important things distracting him from dating. He might really like you, but if the timing is wrong, it’s probably not meant to be. [8] X Research source
- It’s also possible that you’re not what he wants right now. Maybe you’re relationship material, and he’s looking for a fling , or vice versa. Like ships passing in the night.
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He’s too shy to make a move. You might interpret his distance as a lack of interest when in fact, the poor dude is positively squirming inside trying to figure out how to take things to the next level. He may be unsure how to go about sharing his real feelings, or maybe he’s afraid being more direct will come off too forward. [9] X Research source
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He only wants a sexual relationship. He may have detected that you’re interested in more than just hooking up, and he’s trying to back away slowly. His sudden lack of interest could signal he wants to end things, or that he wants to keep you at a distance. Either way, if he’s not interested in more than sex, and you are, it’s probably not a good match.
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You’re just not “the one.” Ouch. Kudos to him, we suppose, for knowing what he wants early and dipping out, but he could be a little more direct and communicate what he’s thinking. In any case, rejection hurts, but remember that more likely than not, it’s not personal—your “one” (if you believe in that) is someone else.
- He may have picked up on a random red flag while getting to know you—something he just doesn’t want in his romantic life.
- He might have realized you’re not compatible—maybe you don’t have the same goals or interests or values—and it’s likely that if you kept dating, you would realize it too.
- Maybe he just felt like you didn’t gel! The heart wants what it wants (and it doesn’t want what it doesn’t want).
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wikiHow Quiz: Does He Like Me?
Section 2 of 3:
Signs He’s Lost Interest
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He avoids you. If you’ve gone from chatting every day or hanging out regularly to excuses for why he can’t talk right now or why he’s too busy to get together, he may be avoiding you . It could be a temporary thing—maybe he genuinely is busy—but if it continues, and if he offers you no reassurance that there’s an end in sight, he might just be trying to ghost you.
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He stops communicating. Everything might have been going great: you used to have long conversations about anything and everything. You shared your feelings and thoughts, your hopes and fears and dreams—and then suddenly, nada. What happened? If your guy suddenly shuts you out, it could be a sign he’s lost interest.
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He friendzones you. Maybe it felt like things were headed toward relationship territory, and then all of a sudden, you notice yourself relegated to buddy status : friendly punches on the arm, a certain emotional distance, group hangs only. Friends are great and all…but what the heck? If you find your guy suddenly treating you as a pal—or worse, an acquaintance—you can be sure he’s trying to back away from the whole romance thing.
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You sense a lack of engagement. Sometimes your gut just knows when someone has lost interest . You might still talk and hang out, but he’s noticeably not invested in what you’re saying. Maybe he scrolls on his phone while you hang out, or he casually mentions that he’s still on the dating apps. All signs a relationship with this guy probably isn’t in the cards.
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Section 3 of 3:
What You Can Do
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Decide whether he’s still worth pursuing. Depending on why he’s distancing himself, he might not be a lost cause. If he’s shy or not sure what he wants, you might be able to wait him out or talk it through with him. But if you think he’s playing games, not emotionally available, or just not interested in dating you, let him go.
- If he’s afraid of rejection or is too shy , or if he’s playing hard to get because he doesn’t know what he’s doing, you may be able to break through the façade and win him over.
- If he’s trying to mess with your head or just wants sex, it’s probably a waste of your energy to pursue him (unless you also just want sex).
- If he’s not interested in you—maybe because he’s found someone else or he just doesn’t think you’re compatible—don’t waste your time trying to convince him. There are lots of other fish in the sea.
EXPERT TIPDating CoachJohn Keegan is a Dating Coach and motivational speaker based in New York City. With over 10 years of professional experience, he runs The Awakened Lifestyle, where he uses his expertise in dating, attraction, and social dynamics to help people find love. He teaches and holds dating workshops internationally, from Los Angeles to London and from Rio de Janeiro to Prague. His work has been featured in the New York Times, Humans of New York, and Men's Health.In the very least, it may help to give him some space. Someone who avoids having deep conversations or sharing romantic experiences might not be ready for a more serious relationship, which could be a sign that he needs more time to figure things out for himself.
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Speak up. Ask him what the heck is going on so you can figure out whether to keep pursuing him or not. If he can’t give you a straight answer—even if that answer is, “I don’t know”—cut your losses and move on. Whether he’s into you or not, if he can’t communicate with you about what’s going on in his head, he’s probably not worth any more of your time or energy.
- Try not to frame it as an accusation; instead, say something like, “I just want to make sure we’re both on the same page,” or “I feel like things have shifted, so I wanted to check in.”
- He may have lost interest and been too afraid to let you know—or maybe he thinks ghosting is the kinder option.
- He might be reluctant to share how he’s feeling because he doesn’t know how he’s feeling. In that case, reassure him he doesn’t have to have all the answers or be ready to commit to a lifetime with you, and that he just needs to let you know where he’s at in the moment.
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Give him space. He may just need some time to think things through or to get more comfortable dating—but don’t waste your life waiting for him to change. Give him some breathing room , but don’t chase him or put all your eggs into his basket.
- The healthy version of that whole distancing dating technique is just...being independent and living your life! If he's afraid of commitment, seeing that you have a healthy life balance might help him relax a bit (and really want you).
- Reader Poll: We asked 1844 wikiHow readers, and 51% of them agreed that the best way to reconnect with a guy who has pulled away is to give him space and wait for him to reach out . [Take Poll]
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Accept he’s not interested and move on. If the reasons for his lack of interest are things you can’t do anything about or move past, then it’s better to let go and move on . He just isn’t worth the pain.
- If you really like this guy, it’s probably best to cut ties. Staying connected with him could only make the situation messier and make it harder for you to forget him.
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Avoid self-blame. It’s easy to take rejection personally or to think If only I’d done such-and-such thing differently! But the reality is, if he’s not up for dating or not in a place to date, it’s about him, not you. Take it as a blessing that you figured this out fairly early on.
- Maybe you knew he wasn’t worth pursuing and are kicking yourself for sticking around anyway—don’t beat yourself up. We’ve all been there! Use it as a learning experience for the future.
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Focus on yourself. You might have already invested a considerable amount of time and energy into this guy, and that can be really hard. Be kind to yourself at this time. Focus on the things you love , your passions, your friends. Eat well and move your body . Spend time in nature . Cuddle an animal, smell a flower.
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Keep dating. Don’t give up hope just because things didn’t work out with this guy. If you were really into him, it’s OK to pause and take some time to reflect and heal a little, but don’t count out the possibility of a truly great romance with someone else. As they say, sometimes things fall apart so other things can fall together.
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References
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/finding-true-love/201902/eight-common-fears-men-have-making-commitment
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/finding-true-love/201902/eight-common-fears-men-have-making-commitment
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-squeaky-wheel/201906/your-first-date-went-well-so-why-don-t-they-want-second
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-attraction-doctor/201204/does-playing-hard-get-make-you-fall-in-love
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- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/finding-true-love/201902/eight-common-fears-men-have-making-commitment
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/finding-true-love/201902/eight-common-fears-men-have-making-commitment
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/living-single/202008/half-all-single-people-just-don-t-want-relationship
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/finding-true-love/201902/eight-common-fears-men-have-making-commitment
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