You’re scrolling through TikTok when you come across #threemonthrule, and soon you fall down a rabbit hole of people talking about putting their partners on “probation.” What does that even mean? A lot can be learned about a person in 3 months, which is why the 3-month dating rule is an effective way to feel the waters of a budding relationship. So, what does this probation period entail anyway? Read on to learn all about the 3-month rule in dating and if it’s right for you.
Things You Should Know
- The 3-month rule is a 90-day trial period where a couple “tests out” a relationship to see if they’re compatible.
- During the 90 days, couples learn about each other’s likes, dislikes, and possible red flags.
- At the end of the 3 months, couples discuss if they want to pursue a long-term relationship. If not, they simply go their separate ways.
Steps
How to Follow the 3-Month Rule
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Examine what you want and need in a relationship. Before starting a relationship and following the 3-month rule, it’s important to distinguish what you desire in a partner. Wants and needs are different things, and having an idea of what you’re looking for can help you find the perfect partner. [3] X Trustworthy Source HelpGuide Nonprofit organization dedicated to providing free, evidence-based mental health and wellness resources. Go to source
- Wants include a person’s job, traits, and physical attributes. For instance, you may want a partner who has a stable career, comes across as mysterious, and is taller than you.
- Needs are the qualities and values you seek in a person. For example, maybe you need a partner with a strong work ethic looking to raise a family.
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Discuss boundaries with your partner. Tell your partner about the 3-month rule and what you expect from them. Basically, what can you both do and not do during the 90 days? Can you see other people? Is sex off the table? Lay down the ground rules before the 3 months start to make sure you’re both on the same page.
- Along with this, discuss what will happen if one of you breaks a rule during the 90 days. Perhaps the relationship ends, or you restart the 3-month trial period.
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Go on dates. Use this time to get to know your partner better before making things official. So, go on as many dates as possible! Spend the weekends together, meet up after work for dinner and a movie, or just walk around the mall and chat. The more time you spend together, the better you’ll be able to tell if they’re the right match for you.
- Pay attention to what your partner likes and dislikes, then plan a date around their interests. [4] X Trustworthy Source HelpGuide Nonprofit organization dedicated to providing free, evidence-based mental health and wellness resources. Go to source For instance, if they mention that their favorite flower is a sunflower, take them to a sunflower farm.
- Ask them questions like, “What makes you laugh the most?” “What makes you feel fulfilled?” and, “What’s your love language?”
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Look for red flags. Ninety-day dating trials help you see if you and your partner are truly compatible. Do you have the same love language? Are you able to communicate openly during an argument? Pay attention to what you like and dislike about your partner’s behavior and tendencies. If they show red flag behaviors within the 3 months, the relationship may not be worth pursuing. Common red flags include: [5] X Trustworthy Source HelpGuide Nonprofit organization dedicated to providing free, evidence-based mental health and wellness resources. Go to source
- They struggle to make commitments.
- They get jealous when you spend time with friends and family.
- They have a hard time talking about their feelings.
- They continuously ask for sex or sexual favors.
- They don’t want to spend time alone with you.
- They’re controlling.
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Look for green flags. Notice what works well in the relationship. Do they make you breakfast every morning because they know your love language is acts of service? Have they respected your boundaries? Do you both enjoy spending the night in rather than going out? Consider how your lifestyles, attachment styles, and values affect your relationship. Common green flags in a relationship include: [6] X Research source
- They show kindness and empathy.
- They have the will to learn and grow with you.
- They apologize and admit when they’re wrong.
- They prioritize you.
- They’re reliable.
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Be confident in yourself. The best thing you can do during the 3 months is have faith in yourself. You’re one incredibly smart, beautiful, and amazing person! Own your worth—you deserve a partner who’ll treat you like a king or queen, so don’t hesitate to turn down anyone who will make you feel like anything but.
- Build confidence and raise low self-esteem by saying positive things about yourself. For instance, look in the mirror every morning and say, “I am beautiful” or “I am worthy of love.” [7] X Trustworthy Source Mind U.K.-based mental health charity focused on providing advice and resources to anyone facing mental health problems. Go to source
- Do your best to avoid comparing yourself to others . You’re unique and special in your own way—own it! Being like everyone else is boring, so just be yourself.
- Consider starting a journal to sort through your thoughts and learn more about yourself.
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Come to a decision. After the 90 days are up, take some time to evaluate what you’ve learned. Do you feel safe around this person? Would pursuing a long-term relationship with them make you happy? [8] X Trustworthy Source HelpGuide Nonprofit organization dedicated to providing free, evidence-based mental health and wellness resources. Go to source If the 90-day period went well and a relationship with this person feels right, keep the relationship going. If things feel off or you’ve noticed a lot of red flags, consider seeing someone else.
- Have an open and honest discussion with your partner about how they’re feeling as well. If you’re divided on how you feel in the relationship, it may be best to move on .
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References
- ↑ https://www.helpguide.org/articles/relationships-communication/tips-for-finding-lasting-love.htm
- ↑ https://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2023/apr/10/romantic-probation-could-a-three-month-trial-period-lead-to-stronger-happier-relationships
- ↑ https://www.helpguide.org/articles/relationships-communication/tips-for-finding-lasting-love.htm
- ↑ https://www.helpguide.org/articles/relationships-communication/tips-for-finding-lasting-love.htm
- ↑ https://www.helpguide.org/articles/relationships-communication/tips-for-finding-lasting-love.htm
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/invisible-bruises/202201/developing-green-flag-system-dating
- ↑ https://www.mind.org.uk/information-support/types-of-mental-health-problems/self-esteem/tips-to-improve-your-self-esteem/
- ↑ https://www.helpguide.org/articles/relationships-communication/tips-for-finding-lasting-love.htm
- ↑ https://www.helpguide.org/articles/relationships-communication/relationship-help.htm
- ↑ https://www.helpguide.org/articles/relationships-communication/effective-communication.htm
- ↑ https://www.helpguide.org/articles/relationships-communication/effective-communication.htm
- ↑ https://www.helpguide.org/articles/relationships-communication/setting-healthy-boundaries-in-relationships.htm
- ↑ https://www.helpguide.org/articles/relationships-communication/relationship-help.htm
- ↑ https://www.helpguide.org/articles/relationships-communication/tips-for-finding-lasting-love.htm
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/get-some-headspace/201307/mindfulness-and-the-phases-relationship