The Best Way to Say You’re Sorry to a Friend

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Learn how to make a sincere apology to rebuild a friendship
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Your friends mean the world to you, and the last thing you want to do is upset them. But mistakes happen, whether you want them to or not. So, how do you apologize to a friend you really hurt? We talked to psychologists and a life coach to bring you the best advice on making a sincere apology. By following these steps and tips, you can make a sincere apology to mend your friendship, no matter what may have happened.

How do you apologize to a friend?

Accept responsibility for what you did, acknowledge how you made them feel, and say you're sorry for the specific thing that hurt or upset them. Don't make excuses or shift the blame, and take steps to make sure you don't make the same mistake twice.

Section 1 of 3:

How to Give a Sincere Apology

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  1. The first step to apologizing is to take responsibility for your actions. Take accountability for what occurred (even if it means not putting yourself in the best light). Set your own prejudices aside to show your friend you’re truly sorry. [1]
    • Try saying something like, “I know I really let you down when I didn’t go to your birthday party. I know how much it meant to you.”
    • As another example: “I am so sorry that I kissed your crush last week. I don't know what I was thinking, and I've been kicking myself over it ever since. Your friendship means way more to me than him.”
  2. Round out your apology by expressing an understanding of your friend’s feelings. No matter what happened, it’s important to acknowledge that they’ve been hurt. Show that you’re aware of how your actions made them feel. [2]
    • Licensed Clinical Psychologist Gera Anderson says, "Acknowledge their feelings and any actions that may have led to those feelings. If you regret your actions, apologize for them. If you don't, apologize that your actions hurt them. For example, “I'm sorry that my actions made you angry; that wasn't my intent.”" [3]
    • You could say something like, “I can’t imagine how disappointed you were when I didn’t show up to your party. You’d been planning it for so long, and I know you wanted it to be perfect.”
    • Or perhaps, “I know you were incredibly hurt when I kissed him. You’ve had a crush on him for months and must have been heartbroken.”
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  3. The next step is to apologize for what you’re taking responsibility for. The words “I’m sorry” on their own don’t carry much weight, but when paired with a reason, they can mean the world to your friend. Make eye contact with them, and start your apology with “I’m really that I…” And then reiterate what you possibly did to upset them. [4]
    • Clinical Psychologist William Gardner says, "When in doubt, say, “I am really sorry that what I said upset you.” This apology acknowledges that something you did hurt someone you care about and clarifies that hurting them wasn’t your intention. You’re taking responsibility, even if what occurred wasn’t intentional." [5]
    • Avoid inserting your friend into the apology. Instead, focus on “I” statements that keep the blame on you.
    • For example, you might say, “I’m really sorry I wasn’t there to celebrate and see all the hard work you put in.”
    • As another example: “It was wrong of me to kiss him, and I’m truly sorry. The last thing I wanted to do was hurt you.”
  4. Show your friend that their friendship means a lot to you by promising not to make a similar mistake again. Just remember, actions speak louder than words, so go through with your promises. [6]
    • Try weaving your promise into your apology by saying something like, “I missed your birthday party. I shouldn't have done that. I made a commitment to you and dropped it, but I won't take my promises so lightly again.”
    • Or, “I don’t know what got into me, and I’m so sorry I kissed him. Our friendship is more important to me than any romantic relationship.”
  5. See what you can do to lift your friend’s spirits and prove that you’re genuinely sorry for what happened. This might look like taking them out to dinner, treating them to a movie, spending more time with them, or simply butting out every once in a while. [7]
    • Add this into your apology by saying something like, “I'll never flake on you again. When I say I'll be somewhere, I'll be there. Can I make it up to you by taking you out to a special birthday dinner?”
    • Or perhaps, “I know how much your crushes mean to you, and I won't interfere with your romantic life again.”
  6. Let your friend speak honestly, and if they need space, give it to them. Remember, just because you give a sincere apology doesn’t mean they’re obligated to forgive you. As Shahbazyan explains, “The amount of hurt and pain someone can cause another person is very subjective.” [8] So, be patient and accepting of however they respond.
    • Avoid phrases like, “Can you find it in your heart to forgive me?” as this can come across as passive-aggressive. Let your friend speak for what’s in their heart themselves.
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Section 2 of 3:

Advice for Giving the Best Apology

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  1. Making a face-to-face apology can mean so much more than an apology over the phone or through text message. So, if possible, ask your friend if you can meet up and talk things through. [9]
    • If you live far away from your friend, that’s okay! Apologizing over the phone or through a text doesn’t make your apology any less sincere. However, do your best to plan a face-to-face conversation soon.
  2. Chances are, if something heated occurred between you and your friend, you may both need time to cool down. As Shahbazyan advises, don’t wait forever to apologize, but take some time to think things through. [10]
  3. Take some time to really think about what happened and whether or not you’re remorseful. Put yourself in your friend’s shoes—what occurred that hurt them? Are you truly sorry for it? Doing a bit of soul-searching before making your apology can help you come across as sincere and genuinely apologetic. [11]
    • Try writing in a journal to process your thoughts and understand your emotions.
    • Chat with a third party (a therapist or trusted friend) to talk things through or even practice your apology.
    • At the end of the day, don’t apologize if you don’t really mean it. As Shahbazyan puts it, “The most important part of apologizing is being genuine.” [12]
  4. If you’re truly sorry for what occurred, don’t hesitate to be the one to approach your friend—don’t wait for them to come to you. Set aside your pride and show that you care for them by being the bigger person and taking accountability for your actions.
    • Remember, only apologize if you’re really sorry; otherwise, your apology will come across as insincere. [13]
  5. 5
    Avoid making excuses during your apology. A sincere apology comes from the heart, is truly genuine, and isn’t overrun with excuses. Try to avoid making excuses for what you did. Instead, own up to what happened and take full responsibility. [14]
    • As a general rule, stay away from the word “but.”
  6. 6
    Give your friend an out. While it may sting, know that your friend doesn’t have to accept your apology. Rather than trapping them in a corner or bombarding them with apologies, give them the space to walk away (figuratively or literally). [15]
    • This can look like apologizing in a space with multiple exits or only sending one apology text (even if they don’t respond).
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Section 3 of 3:

Creative Ways to Apologize

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  1. If the idea of talking face-to-face with your friend leaves you flustered, try writing them a letter from the heart. Handwrite everything you’re thinking and feeling. The sincerity of your apology can show within the time it took you to write down your thoughts. [16]
    • Mail them the letter, or leave it somewhere they’ll quickly find it.
  2. This is a more dramatic peace offering, but it may help your friend feel better while showing your sincerity. Include a small apology note with the flowers, or better yet, deliver the flowers yourself with a face-to-face apology.
  3. 3
    Write a poem or song. If you’re creative, consider apologizing to your friend in a poem or song. Using your talents and time to craft a beautiful apology can show just how sorry you are and how much they mean to you.
  4. 4
    Arrange a gift basket. Surprise your friend with a gift to emphasize just how sorry you are. Maybe you arrive on their doorstep with a care basket full of their favorite foods, or perhaps you mail them a package with an “I Love You” bear. This is a great way to show that you care deeply for them, even if you made a mistake.
  5. 5
    Adhere to your friend’s apology language. Still not sure how to apologize to your friend? Try figuring out their apology language to reflect on how they handle conflict. Then, use this knowledge to craft the perfect apology for them. [17]
    • Take our “Apology Language Quiz” to learn more about apology languages.
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Expert Q&A

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  • Question
    Will my friend forgive me?
    Michelle Shahbazyan, MS, MA
    Life Coach
    Michelle Shahbazyan is a Life Coach, Author, and Speaker based in Los Angeles, California. She is the Founder of The LA Life Coach, a concierge life, family, and career coaching service. She has over 15 years of experience with life coaching, consulting, motivational speaking, and matchmaking. Michelle has helped thousands of clients achieve peace, fulfillment, and a healthier mindset. Her ultimate goal is to provide her clients with the tools, perspectives, and resources needed to create the life they desire. Michelle specializes in supporting individuals and couples with a wide array of concerns, including depression, anxiety, love and relationship issues, ADHD, grief, stress, anger management, and career planning. Her approach is informed by neuroscience, anthropology, sociology, and behavioral biology, ensuring that the strategies she develops with clients are both effective and enduring. She has a BA in Applied Psychology and an MS in Building Construction and Technology Management from Georgia Tech University, and a MA in Psychology with an emphasis on Marriage and Family Therapy from Phillips Graduate University.
    Michelle Shahbazyan, MS, MA
    Life Coach
    Expert Answer
    If you have done something where you genuinely feel like you need to apologize, you have to be able to tolerate the other person's hurt for however long it takes for the other person to get over it. The amount of hurt and pain someone can cause another person is subjective and very massive. If you can do that, hopefully you can come out on the other side and build an even stronger relationship.
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  • Question
    How do you make a sincere apology?
    Michelle Shahbazyan, MS, MA
    Life Coach
    Michelle Shahbazyan is a Life Coach, Author, and Speaker based in Los Angeles, California. She is the Founder of The LA Life Coach, a concierge life, family, and career coaching service. She has over 15 years of experience with life coaching, consulting, motivational speaking, and matchmaking. Michelle has helped thousands of clients achieve peace, fulfillment, and a healthier mindset. Her ultimate goal is to provide her clients with the tools, perspectives, and resources needed to create the life they desire. Michelle specializes in supporting individuals and couples with a wide array of concerns, including depression, anxiety, love and relationship issues, ADHD, grief, stress, anger management, and career planning. Her approach is informed by neuroscience, anthropology, sociology, and behavioral biology, ensuring that the strategies she develops with clients are both effective and enduring. She has a BA in Applied Psychology and an MS in Building Construction and Technology Management from Georgia Tech University, and a MA in Psychology with an emphasis on Marriage and Family Therapy from Phillips Graduate University.
    Michelle Shahbazyan, MS, MA
    Life Coach
    Expert Answer
    I think the most important part of apologizing is being genuine and being able to tolerate the other person's wave of hurt coming your way, whatever that may look like. Let them get that out and continue to stay apologetic. Try to really listen and understand where they're coming from.
    Thanks! We're glad this was helpful.
    Thank you for your feedback.
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    Yes No
    Not Helpful 1 Helpful 19
  • Question
    What can I do to apologize to my friend for my terrible actions and be forgiven instantly or the next day?
    Community Answer
    It depends on how terrible the action is. If it's minor, then there's no reason why they shouldn't forgive you in the next day or two. However, if you made a major mistake, then it isn't likely that the person you hurt is going to forgive you soon. It takes time. Just say you're sorry sincerely and tell them you hope that will find it in their heart to forgive you.
    Thanks! We're glad this was helpful.
    Thank you for your feedback.
    If wikiHow has helped you, please consider a small contribution to support us in helping more readers like you. We’re committed to providing the world with free how-to resources, and even $1 helps us in our mission. Support wikiHow
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    Not Helpful 10 Helpful 78
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      • Keep in mind that apologies are entirely dependent on the situation. Speak from your heart, and don’t force forgiveness onto your friend.
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      The advice in this section is based on the lived experiences of wikiHow readers like you. If you have a helpful tip you’d like to share on wikiHow, please submit it in the field below.
      • Tell them the truth without making excuses and don't leave out anything. Look real and serious, not like you're are just apologizing to go through the motions. Try to avoid the same behavior in the future in order to keep their trust.
      • Show open, comfortable body language. If your friend gets angry while you talk to them, don't get angry back. Instead, keep calm and let them cool off.
      • Don't spend too much time not talking to them. They may think you're ignoring them or have forgotten or gotten over them.
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      References

      1. ↑ https://www.psychologicalscience.org/news/minds-business/effective-apologies-include-six-elements.html
      2. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/positive-prescription/202305/how-to-apologize-and-why-it-matters
      3. ↑ Gera Anderson, PsyD. Licensed Clinical Psychologist. Expert Interview. 18 October 2021.
      4. ↑ https://time.com/6264614/how-to-apologize-health-benefits/
      5. ↑ William Gardner, PsyD. Clinical Psychologist. Expert Interview. 25 July 2019.
      6. ↑ https://time.com/6264614/how-to-apologize-health-benefits/
      7. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/anger-in-the-age-entitlement/202206/the-art-apology
      8. ↑ Michelle Shahbazyan, MS, MA. Life Coach. Expert Interview. 18 March 2020.
      9. ↑ https://www.kidshealth.org/en/teens/apologies.html
      1. ↑ Michelle Shahbazyan, MS, MA. Life Coach. Expert Interview. 18 March 2020.
      2. ↑ https://www.goodhousekeeping.com/health/wellness/a42723685/how-to-apologize-sincerely/
      3. ↑ Michelle Shahbazyan, MS, MA. Life Coach. Expert Interview. 18 March 2020.
      4. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/positive-prescription/202305/how-to-apologize-and-why-it-matters
      5. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/positive-prescription/202305/how-to-apologize-and-why-it-matters
      6. ↑ https://time.com/6264614/how-to-apologize-health-benefits/
      7. ↑ https://www.goodhousekeeping.com/health/wellness/a42723685/how-to-apologize-sincerely/
      8. ↑ https://www.today.com/life/relationships/apology-languages-rcna49355

      About This Article

      Article Summary X

      Although it can be difficult, it’s important to apologize to a friend in person to make your apology as sincere as possible. When you apologize, make sure to say exactly what you’re sorry for, instead of just saying “Sorry.” For example, try something like “ I’m sorry I let you down by not showing up for your birthday party. I know how much you were looking forward to us celebrating together.” Then, offer to do something, like take them to the movies or cook them dinner, to make it up to them and restore your friendship. For more advice, like how to apologize to your friend over the phone, keep reading!

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