How to Get Back a Girl Who You Hurt (Plus, What to Say to Fix Things)

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A step-by-step guide to winning her heart again
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You probably feel like your girl is gone forever, but it may be possible to get her back. Everyone makes mistakes, and your relationships can still be fixed. It might take time, but we’ll walk you through steps to prove to her you’ve changed and you’re the right person for her. We also spoke with psychotherapist Kelli Miller to learn more about how to make amends and get your relationship back on track.

How to Win a Girl Back After Hurting Her

  1. Understand why you hurt her.
  2. Talk to her in person.
  3. Sincerely apologize for what you did.
  4. Listen to her.
  5. Acknowledge what you did and tell her how you plan to change.
  6. Ask for forgiveness.
  7. Work on being a better person.
1

Get an understanding of why you hurt her.

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  1. It is possible to get your girlfriend back after hurting her, but you must understand why she’s hurt and disappointed in you. In many cases, you know what you did wrong. If you don't, it’s important to make an effort to figure out how you hurt her, or it may happen again if you get back together. If you really don’t know what you did wrong, talk to her to understand what you did that hurt her. [1]
    • Recognizing how you failed her helps you grow as a person and avoid making the same mistakes in the future.
    • Even if you don’t get back together, understanding what happened and why she was hurt helps you become a better person.
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2

Text her to invite her to talk in person.

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  1. It's important that she’s able to see your facial expressions and hear your tone of voice as you apologize . [2] Tell her in the text that you want to talk about what happened and ask her to meet you in a neutral location to talk things over. But don’t bombard her with texts if she isn’t ready to talk to you. However, if she agrees to talk, it may be a sign she’s open to getting back together.
    • You might text her, “Hey, I’ve been thinking about our fight, and I’m so sorry for name-calling. That was totally inappropriate. Can we talk about it?”
    • Or say, “I can’t stop thinking about you. Kissing Sarah at the party was the worst thing I’ve ever done. I’ll do anything to make this better. Can we just talk?”
    • She might say "no," but don't lose hope just yet. Instead, text back, "I totally understand. Is it okay if I check back with you next week?" If she says "no" again, text, "I'll leave you alone. Just know that you can text me anytime if you change your mind." Hopefully, she'll have a change of heart.
    • If you’re in a long distance relationship or aren’t able to meet up, it’s okay to apologize over video chat since it’s too hard to meet in person.
3

Apologize sincerely for what you did.

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  1. Miller says, “If the boyfriend does something wrong, I think the first step is to apologize, come clean, and show remorse.” [3] Start your apology by saying what you did wrong so she knows you understand. Then, acknowledge that your actions hurt her and tell her how terrible you feel about it. Finish your apology by promising to never do it again. [4]
    • Try something like, “I know it was wrong for me to flirt with someone else. I really hurt you and made you feel less important, and I feel so awful about it. You’re the only girl I want, and I promise I’ll never flirt with anyone else again.”
    • Alternatively, say something like, “I feel so bad about teasing you. I could tell it really hurt your feelings, and I’m sorry about that. I won’t ever tease you again. I promise.”
    • You might also say, “I’m so sorry I forgot about your birthday party. I can’t believe I did that, and I swear it’ll never happen again. Please let me take you out to celebrate.”
    • If she’s not up to meeting you face to face, it might be worth it to write her an apology letter .
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4

Listen to her side of the story.

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  1. Listen to everything she has to say without interrupting her. Once she’s finished, repeat back what she said in your own words so she knows you were listening. This will show her you truly care about making amends . [5]
    • For example, let’s say she’s upset you flirted with a mutual friend. She might tell all about how it hurt her feelings and made her feel bad about herself. You might repeat back, “It sounds like you felt ignored and betrayed. I’m so sorry I made you feel like that.”
5

Ask for forgiveness.

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  1. Once you’ve apologized, be direct about wanting forgiveness. However, give her time to respond because she might not be ready to forgive you yet. Tell her you’re willing to wait for her response. [6]
    • Say something along the lines of, “Will you please forgive me? I don’t need an answer today, and I understand if you need time to think about it.”
    • As another option, say, “I hope that you’ll be able to forgive me. I know you might need some time to think about it.”
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6

Offer to make it up to her.

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  1. You can prove to her that this relationship is important to you through your actions. It’s not necessary to come up with suggestions for what you can do to make amends. That may be part of a future conversation between the two of you. However, your willingness to do something is essential at this point. Showing her how much you care may help you get her back. [7]
    • Say, “How can I make this up to you?” or “What can I do to make you feel better?”
    • For instance, she might want you to spend more time with her working on your relationship.
    • Once you agree to do something, make sure you follow through on it.
7

Give her sincere compliments.

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  1. Compliment her personality, her appearance, and her accomplishments. [8] Your appreciation will prove to her that you really value her, and hopefully it’ll help you get her back.
    • Say something like, “I love listening to you sing,” or “I appreciate how kind and thoughtful you are.”
    • Text her compliments! You might even schedule specific times of the day to text her something you appreciate about her so you don’t forget.
    EXPERT TIP

    Kelli Miller, LCSW, MSW

    Psychotherapist
    Kelli Miller is a Psychotherapist based in Los Angeles, California. Kelli specializes in individual and couples therapy focusing on relationships, depression, anxiety, sexuality, communication, parenting, and more. She is the author of “Love Hacks: Simple Solutions to Your Most Common Relationship Issues” which details the top 15 relationship issues and 3 quick solutions to each. She is also the award-winning and best-selling author of “Thriving with ADHD”. Kelli co-hosted an advice show on LA Talk Radio and was a relationship expert for The Examiner. She received her MSW (Masters of Social Work) from the University of Pennsylvania and a BA in Sociology/Health from the University of Florida.
    Kelli Miller, LCSW, MSW
    Psychotherapist

    Show appreciation for the person you love. We often take people for granted. We think because they feel this way about us now that they're always going to be there. You get comfortable and forget to tell them you appreciate them. Put some effort into telling your partner how just much you appreciate having them in your life.

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8

Take steps to be a better person.

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  1. Really reflect on what you did and how it all happened. Then, commit to taking a different action next time, recommends Miller. [9] This will show her you’ve changed.
    • For example, let’s say you forgot an important event, like her birthday. You might get her small gifts, such as candy, to represent all of her special days. Write her special dates on the candies and give them to her.
    • Maybe you forgot to reply to her texts. Make it up to her by texting her a lot more. Send her funny memes and ask about her day. Say something along the lines of, “I’m thinking of you” or “I just want to let you know you’re amazing.”
    • If you cheated on her at a party, you might decide to skip parties for a while.
9

Remind her of the good times.

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  1. It might be a date you went on, a special moment you shared, or a song you both like. Get or make a small gift that will remind her of that moment. Plus, doing something nice for her will show her you care, says Miller. [10]
    • For example, you might make her a playlist of her favorite love songs. Don’t forget to add songs you heard on your first date or that played during your first dance…even if they aren’t love songs.
    • Send her a meal from the restaurant where you went on your first date via DoorDash or UberEats .
    • You might buy her a bouquet of her favorite flowers that matches the one you gave her on your first date.
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10

Show her she can trust you again.

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  1. “After you apologize, follow up with actions—whether that’s showing you’re trustworthy or that you're willing to make more effort,” Miller advises. [11] Start by being there for her and following through on your promises. Additionally, treat her well and make her your priority. Be honest about what you’re doing, and don’t keep secrets. [12]
    • For example, show up for dates on time and text her when you say you will.
    • If you’re going out with friends, tell her. Text her, “I’m going out with the guys tonight, but I’ll text you good night when I get home.”
    • Miller says it takes time to rebuild trust , so be patient . In time, she’ll see you’re there for her. [13]
    • While it’s important to keep your promises , sometimes things go wrong. For example, bad traffic might make you late for a date with her. Just let her know what happened as soon as possible.
11

Focus on the future instead of the past.

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  1. All you can do is learn from them and do better next time. Focus on being a good partner to her. In time, she’ll recognize that you’re not the same person who hurt her. [14]
    • For instance, don’t keep apologizing or worrying if you’re a good partner. Instead, remind yourself that you’re doing good things now.
    • Ask her if she’s willing to start over and then build a better future by giving her your time and attention. Call and text her regularly, and take her out on dates.
    • However, don’t rush her or pressure her to let go of her pain. She needs time to work through her feelings, even if you’re ready to focus on the future.
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12

Give her space if she’s really upset.

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  1. It's normal for her to ask for some space, so try to avoid feeling rejected at this point. She needs time to process her emotions and gain some clarity. Respect her request for space. In the meantime, try to spend time with your friends and family so you won't feel so sad . [15]
    • When she asks for space, it doesn’t necessarily mean she’s not interested in getting ack together. All it means is she needs a little breathing room. If you respect her wishes, it shows her you care how she feels.
    • Every situation is different, so she may not need space.
    • Do not constantly beg her to take you back. Give her the time and space she needs to think things over.
13

Try going no-contact for a while.

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  1. Use the no-contact rule to gain perspective. For 30 to 60 days, don’t call, text, or see her. Additionally, ignore any communication from her. Hopefully, she’ll process her anger and pain during this time and realize she wants to repair your relationship. [16]
    • Tell her you plan to go no-contact. You might text her something like "I can tell you're still really upset, so I'm going to stop contacting you," or “It seems like you really need some space, so I won’t be texting you for a while.”
    • When your no-contact period ends, send her a nice text such as, “How have you been doing?” or “I’ve been thinking about you a lot lately.”
    • It’s possible your girlfriend will move on during the no-contact period. While that may be painful, you’ll also be in a good place to move on.
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14

Be patient with her because it takes time to heal.

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  1. Waiting for an answer is often a nerve-wracking experience, but it's the only way to fix things. “You need to be patient and understand that something may have happened where you broke this person's trust. It may take a little bit for them to come back around,” Miller says. [17]
    • In the meantime, focus on other important relationships in your life. For example, take time to reconnect with friends or family members.
15

Take care of yourself.

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  1. Hurting someone you care about is a painful experience, so focus on things you enjoy right now. Go out with friends, play games, engage in your favorite hobby (or find a new one!), or watch your favorite show. Get your mind off your pain and anger over your relationship by staying busy or reaching out to your support network. [18]
    • Say nice things to yourself to show yourself some compassion. You might say, “I’m doing my best right now,” or “I’m worthy of love.
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      References

      1. ↑ https://www.betterhelp.com/advice/how-to/how-to-win-someone-back-the-ultimate-guide/
      2. ↑ https://www.regain.us/advice/general/my-ex-texted-me-should-i-ignore-it/
      3. ↑ Kelli Miller, LCSW, MSW. Psychotherapist. Expert Interview. 2020 July 21.
      4. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/divorce-grownups/200903/how-apologize-woman
      5. ↑ https://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/7-steps-to-rebuilding-trust-in-your-relationship-0208184
      6. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/divorce-grownups/200903/how-apologize-woman
      7. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/divorce-grownups/200903/how-apologize-woman
      8. ↑ https://psychcentral.com/blog/how-to-give-a-powerful-compliment#4
      9. ↑ Kelli Miller, LCSW, MSW. Psychotherapist. Expert Interview. 2020 July 21.
      1. ↑ Kelli Miller, LCSW, MSW. Psychotherapist. Expert Interview. 2020 July 21.
      2. ↑ Kelli Miller, LCSW, MSW. Psychotherapist. Expert Interview. 2020 July 21.
      3. ↑ https://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/7-steps-to-rebuilding-trust-in-your-relationship-0208184
      4. ↑ Kelli Miller, LCSW, MSW. Relationship Coach. Expert Interview. 11 June 2020.
      5. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/resolution-not-conflict/201205/how-get-ex-back-5-essential-steps
      6. ↑ https://psychcentral.com/blog/how-a-little-space-and-time-can-help-heal-a-relationship-crisis#1
      7. ↑ https://www.bbc.com/future/article/20200608-why-is-it-so-hard-to-forgive-an-ex
      8. ↑ Kelli Miller, LCSW, MSW. Psychotherapist. Expert Interview. 2020 July 21.
      9. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/me-you-us/201408/3-ways-take-care-yourself-after-breakup
      10. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-attraction-doctor/201105/make-them-love-you-taking-not-giving
      11. ↑ Kelli Miller, LCSW, MSW. Psychotherapist. Expert Interview. 2020 July 21.
      12. ↑ https://www.betterhelp.com/advice/how-to/how-to-win-someone-back-the-ultimate-guide/

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