How Often Do Couples Fight in a Healthy Relationship?

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Understand when a couple arguing is healthy vs. toxic
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If you’re trying to figure out whether your relationship has a healthy, normal amount of fighting, you aren’t alone. It can hurt to feel like you’re locked in combat with the person you care about more than anything, and the feelings associated with a fight can leave you wondering whether your relationship is working or not. Well, we’ve got good news for you—fighting is healthy, productive, and totally normal! In this article, we’ll explain why and how fighting can benefit your relationship, how to have a healthy argument, and what red flags to look out for, all according to clinical psychologist Asa Don Brown.

Is it normal to argue in relationships?

It’s not typically normal to fight every day in a relationship. While fighting happens, if you’re fighting every day with your partner, it’s likely because there’s an unaddressed underlying problem. Focus on having a calm conversation to unroot the problem.

Section 1 of 8:

How normal is fighting in a relationship?

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  1. If you’re a little nervous about the fact that you’re fighting with your partner, let out a sigh of relief. No two human beings think or behave in a way that is perfectly identical. It’s totally normal for there to be friction from time to time, and you shouldn’t automatically take conflict with your partner as a sign that something is wrong. As Brown says, “healthy relationships are enriched by conflict.” [1] Healthy arguments can actually strengthen your relationship, as seen in the following research-backed benefits: [2]
    • Fighting reasserts each person’s independence. If the two of you agreed on everything all the time, you’d lose your sense of self. As Brown explains, the occasional conflict reminds each of you that you’re different people and might help stimulate conversations, ideas, and a deeper understanding of your partner. [3]
    • Arguments can reestablish where boundaries exist. Fighting can signal what is and is not permissible, and that’s an essential part of any healthy relationship.
    • Smaller arguments help you practice for serious conflict in the future. Arguing over “smaller” stuff prepares you for the really tough stuff you might face if you get married or stay together for years.
    • Arguments can strengthen your bond. As weird as it sounds, the makeup portion of an argument actually brings you closer to your partner.
  2. It’s normal to fight every day if you’re negotiating a complex problem, like a large debt, addiction, or infidelity. So long as your arguments are calm and productive, and the fighting doesn’t go on for months, it’s not the end of the world. [4] However, something is wrong if you’re in a volatile relationship where you’re shouting at one another over seemingly unimportant stuff every day. [5]
    • This type of recurring conflict often happens when an underlying problem is going unaddressed. Take a step back and sit down with your partner. Try to have a calm, respectful conversation about what’s really going on here.
    • If that doesn’t work, see a couple’s counselor. They’ll help the two of you get to the root of the problem.
    • For example, if one person feels like the other partner doesn’t respect them, they may lash out over dishes not being done, a playful joke their partner makes, or their partner not picking up the phone. Until the source of the problem is addressed, the fighting will just continue.
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Section 2 of 8:

Is it healthy to never fight in a relationship?

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  1. Brown explains that if you and your partner never get into it, it could mean that one of you is holding back unaddressed issues. [6] It’s impossible for two people to be around each other all the time and agree on absolutely everything. If there’s zero conflict, it indicates that one (or both) of you is not speaking your truth, which can be very problematic in the long run. [7]
    • As Brown states, “Avoiding communication about touchy subjects will only cause an individual to feel at odds.” [8]
    • If the relationship is relatively fresh, don’t worry about your lack of fighting. It’ll happen naturally over time. It’s normal for the beginning of a relationship to be extremely peaceful. [9]
    • You don’t need fighting to be frequent for your relationship to be considered healthy. It’s perfectly fine if you and your partner only come into conflict a few times a year. Every couple is different when it comes to the frequency of their arguing. [10]
Section 3 of 8:

How to Make Fights in a Relationship More Productive

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  1. If it’s “me vs. you” instead of “us vs. the problem,” things can go off the rails really fast. Actively hear your partner out, don’t interrupt them, and use a cool tone to respond—even if you’re really upset. If both of you can be respectful and calm, you can work towards a solution. [11]
    • It often helps to remind yourself in your head, “I love this person; I care about them; don’t say something you’ll regret.”
    • Do not try to “win.” There’s no winning here. It’s not a zero-sum game—the goal is to resolve a problem. You can only do that if you don’t approach arguments like they’re competitions. [12]
  2. Have a conversation about your fights when the two of you are calm and establish some guidelines . [13] Agree to never interrupt one another, and focus exclusively on whatever the issue is. If something is “off limits,” discuss it ahead of time. Come up with a safe word (“timeout” is fine) so that you can pause the conversation if things get too heated for either of you. [14]
    • Schedule time to argue! Knowing ahead of time that you’re going to argue takes a lot of the unpredictability out of it.
    • Start each fight by agreeing on an objective. This way, you can both work towards a solution instead of spinning your wheels going back and forth. Finding a mutual objective is especially key if the two of you have been having the same fight over and over again, which happens when there’s no roadmap for the argument!
  3. If one of you keeps saying “you never…” or “you don’t…,” it can feel like a boxing match. Frame things from your perspective and talk about how you feel in an argument. Using "I" statements is one of those small things that can really improve the quality of your conversations when the two of you disagree. [15]
    • For example, let’s say you’d normally say something like, “You never clean up around the house. You make things so dirty! You let this kitchen just get so dirty, and then I get stuck cleaning it up.” Using the “I” rule, you might say, “I feel like I’m doing all of the work around here when the kitchen gets left like this. I know I can be a bit of a clean freak, but it’s really important to me.”
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Section 4 of 8:

Signs of Unhealthy Relationship Fighting

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  1. A lack of mutual respect or insulting and demeaning language can contribute to a toxic environment or toxic relationship . If you do not feel like you’re a part of a team with your partner, something may be wrong. [16] Arguments can easily turn toxic in these situations. Here are some things to avoid when fighting to keep the argument productive, according to Brown: [17]
    • Threats and ultimatums: Any variation of “if you don’t do X, I will do Y” can be a sign that the fight is becoming unproductive.
    • Name-calling and personal attacks: If language starts to belittle either side, names are being called, and things get aggressive, the argument may be becoming toxic.
    • Silent treatment: Withholding information or intentionally ignoring someone can make it difficult to express emotions and communicate openly, ultimately hurting the relationship. [18]
    • Physical aggression: Domestic abuse is never okay. If anyone is hitting things, throwing stuff, or putting their hands on one another, it’s crossing a line. [19]
    • Don’t hesitate to call 911 or the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233 if you’re in trouble. [20]
    • If you’re unsure if you’re in a toxic relationship or if arguments with your partner have turned toxic, take this quiz.
Quiz

wikiHow Quiz: Should We Break Up?

You aren’t feeling super happy or comfortable in your relationship—but is it really time to end things, or are you two just going through a rough patch? While the future of your relationship is ultimately in your hands, you’re not alone as you wrestle with this tough question. Take this quiz to get a second opinion on the status of your relationship—and whether it’s worth sticking things out or not.
1 of 15

Describe your current relationship in a single word:

Section 5 of 8:

Communication Styles & Fighting

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  1. There are 4 types of communication styles: aggressive, passive, passive-aggressive, and assertive. The ideal communication style is assertive, as it allows you to express your wants and needs openly and communicate better in a relationship . Take a look below to determine what communication you might have and how it can impact your arguments: [21]
    • Aggressive communication is driven by anger and judgment. It often leads to inflexibility and hostile environments.
    • Passive communication comes across as not communicating at all because you’re fearful, and it often leads to miscommunications and disagreements.
    • Passive-aggressive communication is when you don’t directly communicate your emotions and bottle up negative feelings. Indirect communication can lead to confusion and resentment.
    • Assertive communication is fueled by confidence and allows you to talk openly and honestly. Direct and honest communication promotes healthy connections.
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Section 6 of 8:

What causes fights in a relationship?

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  1. Lack of communication is one of the biggest triggers for disagreements between couples—these conflicts can take different forms, but commitment-based conflicts all have the underlying issue of one person expecting a level of commitment that they’re not getting. [22]
    • For example, a couple may argue over doing the dishes because one partner expects a level of commitment when it comes to taking care of a shared space. When their partner doesn’t get that, it feels like a serious violation. [23]
    • Differing values are also common triggers for fights—if each of you has different religious beliefs, political values, financial habits, or hopes for future children, these core components of who you are can cause serious fights. [24]
    • The good news here is that if you can find any kind of middle ground early on, these issues are often very easy to move on from. If you’re in a ton of debt and your partner is wealthy, making a rule like, “No fancy vacations until the debt is fixed, and no money lending but gifts are okay,” can really curb the fights.
    • Lastly, a lot of fights just boil down to miscommunication . Someone might say the wrong thing, interpret sarcasm where none exists, or misunderstand the intention of an offhand comment. If two people fail to communicate in a way that feels equitable and honest, it can start all kinds of crazy arguments. Taking a step back to make sure you’re on the same page is huge here. [25]
Section 7 of 8:

When to Get Counseling

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  1. Fighting is normal in any relationship, but if you fight constantly or experience unhealthy arguments, it’s likely time to seek help from a professional. Talk to your partner about seeing a counselor or therapist together, as they’ll be able to look at things from an outside perspective and provide personalized advice and guidance. [26]
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Section 8 of 8:

Frequently Asked Questions About Arguing in Relationships

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  1. The frequency of your arguments matters less than the intensity of your fights. If one of you is yelling until you’re red in the face, something went wrong. We tend to imagine “fighting” as being passionate, aggressive, and intense, but that’s usually the worst way to go about it. If your conflicts are fair, respectful, calm, and productive, you don’t need to start counting the number of fights you two are having—it’s totally okay. [27]
    • It’s probably better to have 6 to 10 calm arguments a year than it is to have 1 giant fight where the two of you end up not talking for a month.
  2. Fighting typically starts after the honeymoon phase ends. When a relationship is new and exciting, you tend to romanticize things and ignore potential problems. Brown describes this “elated state” as the honeymoon phase, which typically “fizzles the moment the spark [or excitement of a new relationship] fades.” [28] Once this early period of the relationship is over, couples tend to be more realistic. The post-honeymoon phase is when the occasional fight starts popping up, and that’s totally normal. [29]
    • It may be surprising, but the honeymoon phase often lasts 6 to 12 months! It takes time, so don’t freak out that your relationship is dying if you’ve been together for a full year and now you’re suddenly fighting. [30]
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      References

      1. ↑ Asa Don Brown, PhD, DNCCM, FAAETS. Clinical Psychologist. Expert Interview. 3 February 2022.
      2. ↑ https://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2018/feb/13/couples-who-argue-together-stay-together-research-finds
      3. ↑ Asa Don Brown, PhD, DNCCM, FAAETS. Clinical Psychologist. Expert Interview. 3 February 2022.
      4. ↑ https://time.com/5402188/how-to-fight-healthy-partner
      5. ↑ https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC3274734/
      6. ↑ Asa Don Brown, PhD, DNCCM, FAAETS. Clinical Psychologist. Expert Interview. 3 February 2022.
      7. ↑ https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC3274734/
      8. ↑ Asa Don Brown, PhD, DNCCM, FAAETS. Clinical Psychologist. Expert Interview. 3 February 2022.
      9. ↑ https://www.primermagazine.com/2013/love/surviving-the-end-of-the-honeymoon-period
      1. ↑ https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC3274734/
      2. ↑ https://time.com/5402188/how-to-fight-healthy-partner/
      3. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/a-therapists-education/202203/how-to-have-healthy-fights-with-your-partner
      4. ↑ https://www.helpguide.org/relationships/social-connection/setting-healthy-boundaries-in-relationships
      5. ↑ https://www.nbcnews.com/better/pop-culture/want-better-marriage-learn-fight-fair-5-easy-steps-ncna806011
      6. ↑ https://time.com/5402188/how-to-fight-healthy-partner/
      7. ↑ https://counseling.sa.ua.edu/resources/healthy-vs-unhealthy-relationships/
      8. ↑ Asa Don Brown, PhD, DNCCM, FAAETS. Clinical Psychologist. Expert Interview. 3 February 2022.
      9. ↑ https://health.clevelandclinic.org/silent-treatment
      10. ↑ https://www.un.org/en/coronavirus/what-is-domestic-abuse
      11. ↑ https://www.thehotline.org
      12. ↑ https://www.snhu.edu/about-us/newsroom/liberal-arts/types-of-communication-styles
      13. ↑ https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC4012696/
      14. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/love-lies-and-conflict/201801/the-most-common-cause-useless-relationship-fights
      15. ↑ https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC4012696/
      16. ↑ https://www.helpguide.org/relationships/social-connection/relationship-help
      17. ↑ https://www.betterhealth.vic.gov.au/health/healthyliving/relationships-and-communication
      18. ↑ https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC3274734/
      19. ↑ Asa Don Brown, PhD, DNCCM, FAAETS. Clinical Psychologist. Expert Interview. 3 February 2022.
      20. ↑ https://health.clevelandclinic.org/what-is-the-honeymoon-phase
      21. ↑ https://ohioline.osu.edu/factsheet/FLM-FS-2-01-R10

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