Why Your Guy Is Acting Distant (and What to Do About It)

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How to handle him pulling away
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Were you in a seemingly perfect relationship when all of a sudden your boyfriend started acting kind of distant to you? You likely feel insecure, rejected, even abandoned—and you're definitely not alone. It's possible it's nothing personal, and your boyfriend just needs some time to himself, but his pulling away could also be a sign something's not right in the relationship. So how do you know? Keep reading: we talked to psychology and relationship experts to find out possible reasons he's being distant and what you can do about it.

Possible Reasons Your Boyfriend Is Being Distant

  • He's stressed out or under a lot of pressure.
  • He wants more space.
  • He's distracted.
  • The relationship is getting serious too quickly.
  • His mind is on someone else.
Section 1 of 5:

6 Possible Reasons He's Pulling Away

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  1. 1
    He just needs some alone time. While it might seem like he's pulling away from you specifically, it might not have anything to do with you at all. If you've been spending a lot of time together recently, it could be that he just needs some time on his own to recharge. In this situation, there's not really anything to "fix," you just need to be aware of his needs.
    • This is especially likely if he's more introverted and you've been doing a lot of social things together lately.
    • Related signs: He seems tired or drained; he has a hard time focusing on things
  2. 2
    He's stressed out about something in his life. This is probably the main reason guys pull away from someone they're dating, and for good reason. Research shows that people tend to avoid social contact when they feel higher levels of stress. It's likely that he doesn't want to burden you or have you stressed out on his behalf, and that's a big part of the reason he hasn't said anything to you about it. [1]
    • Related signs: He seems preoccupied; frequently forgets things; looks tired or frazzled; checks his phone frequently
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  3. 3
    He needs space in the relationship. This isn't necessarily a bad thing—it could simply mean that things are getting serious a little quicker than he's comfortable with and he wants to put on the brakes. It could also mean that he just prefers to keep a little emotional distance in any relationship. Licensed clinical psychologist Dr. Sarah Schewitz notes that you "might be dating somebody who has an avoidant attachment style, which means they will create distance once there's a lot of closeness in the relationship."
    • Related signs: He doesn't initiate contact as often; he's busy more often or makes vague excuses why he can't hang out; it doesn't seem to bother him if you can't hang out on a certain day
    • "They'll usually do something to create more space or distance because they're not as comfortable with really close connections," Schewitz advises. "You have to learn how to not take it personally, because it's not about you."
    • "Everyone has a different comfort level with how connected they want to be," Schewitz explains. "It's not right or wrong, necessarily. It's just what their comfort level is based on their childhood."
    • Licensed marriage and family therapist Denise Brady emphasizes that your attachment style "is the forefront of your relationship" because if your attachment style clashes with your boyfriend's, neither of you will ever get your needs met in the relationship.
  4. 4
    He's focused on someone or something else. This could mean he's stepping out, but it doesn't have to mean that he's interested in someone else romantically or sexually. It could simply mean that someone or something else is demanding his time and energy for whatever reason.
    • For example, if his hometown was recently hit by a hurricane, he might be distant toward you because he's preoccupied thinking about his family's safety.
    • He could also just be focused on his career, which men tend to do in their late 20s and early 30s. As Schewitz notes: "If men are in that building phase, they're gonna be more focused on work than relationships. Men are single focused, so if they're at work, they're at work. The odds of them stopping to text you or pay attention to you are not as great as if it were the other way around and it was a woman at work."
    • Related signs: He talks about someone or something constantly and repeatedly turns the conversation back to that topic; he cancels or postpones on you because of something related to whatever he's focused on; he keeps checking his phone constantly
  5. 5
    He's feeling overwhelmed by the pace of the relationship. This is especially likely if he was single for a long time before the two of you got together. As things get serious, it's totally normal for him to start thinking back wistfully on things he used to do when he was single that he doesn't do anymore. It's not necessarily that his feelings for you have lessened—he's just coming to terms with how much his life has changed. [2]
    • Related signs: He's spending more time with friends he hasn't hung out with in a while; he doesn't want to talk about the future or make plans with you
    • If your relationship has gotten really serious really quickly, this is a completely natural response. You might want to think about what you've given up as well and whether you're really ready to make that level of commitment.
  6. 6
    He is questioning his feelings. If you were previously happy in the relationship, this is likely your worst case scenario—but it doesn't need to be. You can turn it into an opportunity for both of you to discuss how your needs and wants in the relationship have changed and what you want to do about it.
    • Related signs: He doesn't make sweet or affectionate comments to you; he doesn't return your affection or returns it in a vague, noncommittal way
    • Dating coach John Keegan advises paying attention to some of these more subtle signs, such as him not being as playful as he used to be, as "signs that the writing's on the wall, or that something needs to change. Quick."
  7. 7
    He has decided to leave the relationship. If he's at this point, chances are you weren't all that shocked when he started acting distant. You might have felt as though something was "off" about the relationship for quite some time. It's possible that he's distancing himself so that when he finally decides to end the relationship it won't hurt as much.
    • Related signs: He doesn't talk about the future or make future plans with you; he changes the subject when you bring up the future or talk about things you could do together
    • Keegan notes that "if you want to plan a trip six months from now or three months from now and he's like 'I'm not sure about that,' that's a sign that he's not all the way in, that he's not there yet."
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Section 2 of 5:

What to Do When Your Boyfriend Distant

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  1. 1
    Schedule a quiet night in with your boyfriend. If you have concerns about the way your boyfriend is acting, the best thing to do is to address those concerns head-on. Tell your boyfriend that you've noticed he's been acting differently lately and you'd like to talk. [3]
    • For example, you might say, "Do you want to come over to my place for dinner Thursday? I've felt distanced from you lately and I think a conversation could help.."
    • If he acts weird or defensive, be careful. It could be that he was intentionally distancing himself for a more serious reason.
  2. 2
    Tell your boyfriend how you feel. Use "I" statements to keep the focus on your feelings rather than his actions. Let him know that you want to bridge this gap because this relationship is important to you. [4]
    • For example, you might say, "I've been feeling distanced from you lately and it makes me sad. Can we talk about it?"
    • This puts the onus on you and gives you space to talk about your emotions . Keep in mind that your boyfriend might not be aware that what he's doing is making you feel the way it is.
  3. 3
    Listen to what your boyfriend has to say. Once you've revealed your feelings, give your boyfriend a chance to explain what's been going on. It could be that it has nothing at all to do with you, or it could be that you have bigger issues to sort out in your relationship—but you'll never know until you listen to him . [5]
    • The issue could be more with you than it is with him, in that you want a closer attachment than he's interested in or able to provide for you.
    • It's also possible that he'll shut down or insist that nothing's wrong. If he does, reassure him that it's okay if he doesn't feel comfortable discussing it right now.
    • Schewitz confirms that the best thing you can do is "bring it up and ask if there's an issue. If the person says no, then it means they're either not willing to talk about it right now or literally there's nothing wrong, so you might want to clarify."
    • "If you ask, and they say 'nothing' and you're really, truly feeling that distance," Schewitz continues, "You might say 'If there is something, it would help me to know that there is, but you're not ready to talk about it right now, so I don't feel like I'm crazy and making all of this up in my head.'"
    • It's also entirely possible that you feel as though something is wrong when he actually believes that nothing is wrong and he's perfectly content with the relationship. In that case, it could be your needs that aren't being met—not his.
  4. 4
    Discuss the behavior that's bothering you. Tell your boyfriend about very specific, concrete things he has done that have made you feel as though he was withdrawing or distancing himself. These are the things that you want him to change.
    • For example, you might want him to text you more often or at least respond to your texts more quickly during the day.
    • Do reflect on what you're asking of him and make sure it's not too much. Brady cautions that "sometimes we get so caught up in having other people outside of us fulfill our needs that we lean too much on others."
    • Keep in mind that if your boyfriend loves you, he will actively want to stop any behavior that hurts you. If he makes excuses or tries to tell you that you're selfish or that you're asking too much, you might want to consider ending the relationship .
  5. 5
    Reflect on your role in the situation. It's possible that your boyfriend started acting distant for reasons that had nothing to do with you. But if the distancing was triggered by something about your relationship, it's fair and healthy to think about how you contributed to that situation and helped get the relationship to this point. [6]
    • For example, it might be that he's told you he's not interested in a particular topic of conversation but you keep bringing it up. It's not fair for you to get upset that he zones out or acts disinterested.
    • There might also have been instances where he felt like you were pushing him to do something, or get more serious emotionally, before he was ready. If you're able to have patience and take things more slowly, you can get your relationship back on the right track.
  6. 6
    Decide on your next steps together. This conversation gives you and your boyfriend the opportunity to make a rational decision about your relationship together. Discuss your needs and wants and how those have changed since you started seeing each other.
    • This has to do with your needs as well as your boyfriend's. You have to decide if you can handle the changes that will need to take place for the relationship to work.
    • For example, suppose your boyfriend has an avoidant attachment style . "If you want to keep dating," advises Schewitz, "then you do need to learn how to not take it personally. And the more you give them space, the faster they'll come back."
    • If you're not able to do that, or if you know that giving your boyfriend the space he needs will still cause you pain, then it might be best for both of you to end the relationship.
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Section 3 of 5:

What Not to Do

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  1. 1
    Don't push him for an immediate response or resolution. Often, if a guy starts acting distant, it's just because he needs some time to himself. Perhaps the easiest thing to do is just to give him that and see how things go. If you're constantly on his case about it, though, you're likely to just push him further and further away. [7]
    • If you're having a hard time letting it go, look for something that will take up your time and keep you busy so you won't be obsessing over it.
    • If you're busy, you also won't be tempted to call or text him constantly.
  2. 2
    Don't assume the worst. Typically when a romantic partner starts acting distant it's for reasons that are totally unrelated to you or your relationship. He might not even be aware that he's acting distant from your perspective. Criticizing his behavior or making accusations can cause him to shut down and distance himself even more. [8]
    • If he still gets defensive and upset when you talk to him, even though you haven't accused him of anything, it's possible there's something more serious going on that he's not ready to talk about yet.
  3. 3
    Don't blame him for your thoughts or feelings. Taking responsibility for your own feelings is a big part of healthy communication. While his behavior might've triggered some emotions for you, those emotions are a response to your understanding of his behavior, which might not be correct. [9]
    • If you tell your boyfriend that he's upsetting you or hurting you, that could be really confusing to him if his behavior wasn't intentional.
    • Instead, let him know that those are just the thoughts that you're having. If your interpretation is incorrect, he can explain it and the two of you can go from there.
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Section 4 of 5:

Healing Your Relationship and Yourself

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  1. 1
    Talk about how you can meet each other's needs. Feeling distanced from your romantic partner often means that at least one of you is not getting your needs met in the relationship—maybe both! Think of this as an opportunity to start fresh. If each of you lists the things you need in a relationship, you can talk about the ways in which each of you are comfortable meeting those needs for each other so you can bridge the distance . [10]
    • These conversations might lead you to experiment with different ideas that end up not working, but as long as you have open communication around everything, you'll be fine!
    • For example, if you want your boyfriend to text you more during the day, he might decide that he can check in with you at lunch, then later realize that's not practical because he often runs errands at lunch.
    • Approach this with patience and curiosity—feel free to experiment! It can sometimes take a little trial and error to find what works for you.
  2. 2
    Turn your focus toward your own interests. Sometimes when you're in a relationship you lose sight of the things that make life enjoyable and meaningful for you. Other times you get so wrapped up in doing things with your boyfriend that you forget about the things you used to enjoy doing by yourself. Whatever the story, getting back to all of those things that used to really excite you will make you feel more confident about yourself and more content with your life. [11]
    • For example, if you used to enjoy playing soccer, you might join a rec league team in your community. Or if you enjoy art, you might find a local painting or photography class.
    • Even if you and your boyfriend are working on your relationship, it's important to get back to fulfilling your own interests and pursuing things that are fulfilling to you if you've let those things fall by the wayside. This makes you a more interesting person to be in a relationship with.
  3. 3
    Reconnect with family and friends. Chances are you have a lot of people around you who care about you and want you to be happy. Regardless of whether you and your boyfriend have decided to work things out, reaching out to them can take some of the pressure off of your romantic relationship. Spend time with other people to give your boyfriend a little space and give your relationship some room to breathe. [12]
    • If part of the issue was that you were leaning on your boyfriend too much, spending time with your family and friends allows you to spread out your emotional needs so that you aren't overwhelming your boyfriend.
    • While you're hanging out with friends and family, avoid the impulse to badmouth your boyfriend—especially if you're on the outs or have decided to call it quits.
  4. 4
    Work with a couples counselor to improve your communication. The whole point of couples counseling or therapy is to improve your relationship, and the number one way to do that is with more effective communication techniques. A counselor can work with the two of you to help you better understand each other and how to meet each other's needs. [13]
    • A couples counselor can also give you resources and tools that will help you resolve disagreements more peacefully and respectfully when they do come up.
    • Together, you'll learn ways to communicate what's bothering you to each other so you don't have to go through this situation again where your boyfriend is acting distant all of a sudden and you don't know why.
  5. 5
    Set healthy boundaries between the two of you. Whether you've decided to work on your relationship or move in different directions, setting healthy boundaries is essential to protect yourself emotionally and psychologically. Understanding each other's boundaries also helps you avoid getting into a situation like this again where you don't know what's bothering your boyfriend or what's going on in your relationship. [14]
    • Think about how you want to contact each other (or, if you've decided to part ways, if you even want to stay in contact at all) and at what frequency.
    • You might also set boundaries around the frequency of contact or how long it's appropriate to wait before returning a text or call.
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Section 5 of 5:

FAQs About Guys Acting Distant

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  1. 1
    Do guys act distant if they're falling in love? They can, if they have a fear of intimacy. Men who follow or were raised in a more traditional view of masculinity often have a fear of emotional intimacy as well. [15] This fear can lead them to pull away if they start feeling the vulnerability that comes with falling in love.
    • If your boyfriend has a fear of intimacy, it might mean he has some unresolved trauma. Talking to a therapist could help. [16]
  2. 2
    Is it normal for men to act distant after sex? It's pretty normal, although it can happen for a lot of different reasons that are completely unrelated. It's probably a good idea to tell him if you notice that he acts a lot different after sex—he might have an explanation that you hadn't thought of. But it could just as easily be a simple drop in hormones after orgasm. [17]
    • The best thing to do if he acts distant after the two of you are intimate is talk to him about it! He can't know it upsets you if you don't tell him.
  3. 3
    If he's acting distant, does that mean he wants to leave? It can, but it usually doesn't. Most of the time, when a guy is acting distant, it's because he's working through something in his own head—and whatever he's working through might have nothing to do with you or his relationship with you. [18]
    • It could also mean that someone or something else just legitimately is taking most of his time and attention for whatever reason. If you think back, you can probably remember times when you were caught up in one thing and let everything else fall by the wayside.
    • If there were other problems in your relationship before your boyfriend started acting distant, it's totally possible that he's just distancing himself in preparation to leave—but the only way you can know for sure is to have that conversation with him.
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      References

      1. ↑ https://greatergood.berkeley.edu/article/item/is_stress_making_you_withdraw_from_people
      2. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/skinny-revisited/202101/moving-too-fast-can-derail-a-potential-relationship
      3. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/evolution-the-self/201905/8-things-try-when-partner-becomes-distant
      4. ↑ https://www.betterhealth.vic.gov.au/health/healthyliving/relationships-and-communication
      5. ↑ https://www.betterhealth.vic.gov.au/health/healthyliving/relationships-and-communication
      6. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/evolution-the-self/201905/8-things-try-when-partner-becomes-distant
      7. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/evolution-the-self/201905/8-things-try-when-partner-becomes-distant
      8. ↑ https://www.joinonelove.org/learn/5-easy-ways-to-communicate-better-in-your-relationships/
      9. ↑ https://www.betterhealth.vic.gov.au/health/healthyliving/relationships-and-communication
      1. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/evolution-the-self/201905/8-things-try-when-partner-becomes-distant
      2. ↑ https://www.colorado.edu/health/blog/breakup-tips
      3. ↑ https://headspace.org.au/explore-topics/for-young-people/relationship-breakup/
      4. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/basics/therapy/how-does-couples-therapy-work
      5. ↑ https://www.colorado.edu/health/blog/breakup-tips
      6. ↑ https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/24479947/
      7. ↑ https://cptsdfoundation.org/2019/04/19/overcoming-the-fear-of-intimacy/
      8. ↑ https://www.marsvenus.com/blog/why-men-pull-away-after-sex-and-what-you-can-do-about-it
      9. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/evolution-the-self/201905/8-things-try-when-partner-becomes-distant

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