How to Stop Being a People Pleaser

Co-authored by Nicolette Tura, MA

Last Updated: January 16, 2025 Fact Checked

Do you tend to put other people’s needs ahead of your own? Maybe you’re nervous about being disliked. Maybe you were simply raised to put other people first. Regardless of the reason, learning to prioritize your needs is easy if you practice. It’ll take some time to adjust, but start by saying “no” to some things instead of “yes” to everything. Create some boundaries and make your voice heard and your opinion matter. Above all, make time to care for yourself. ^{[1]
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Expert Source

Michelle Shahbazyan, MS, MA
Life Coach

Expert Interview. 18 March 2020.} In this article, we’ll walk you through everything you need to know about taking charge and learning to not be a people pleaser.

1

Get comfortable saying no.

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Respect yourself and enforce your personal boundaries. If you tend to always say “yes” to things even when you don’t want to or when situations cause you stress, start saying “no.” Sometimes, people pleasers have a fear of disappointing others that's rooted in insecurity. Remind yourself that you're awesome; people like you for you —not what you can do for them. There’s no need to make excuses or talk your way out of it. A simple “no” or “no thank you” will do. ^{[2]
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Trustworthy Source
Greater Good Magazine
Journal published by UC Berkeley's Greater Good Science Center, which uses scientific research to promote happier living
Go to source}
- Start small by finding something small to say "no" to and say it firmly. For example, if your partner asks you to walk the dog yet you are exhausted, say, “No. I’d like you to walk the dog tonight, please.”
- You can also do some role play with a friend to get used to saying “no.” Have your friend ask you to do things, and then respond “no” to each of their requests. Make sure to pay attention to how you feel each time you say “no.”

2

Assert yourself in a kind, empathetic way.

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Express your needs without criticizing or lashing out at others. Some people confuse assertiveness for rudeness, but you can tell people what you need in a nice, supportive way. Show your understanding for the other person and their needs, yet also be firm in saying that you cannot help them. ^{[3]
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- For example, say, “I know how much you want a nice birthday cake for the party and how much that means to you. I’d love to provide one, but I’m unable to do that at the moment.”

3

Delay your response.

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Pausing before you respond to gives you time to make the right choice. If someone asks or tells you to do something, you have the choice to say yes, no, or maybe. You don’t have to say yes, even if you feel like you do. ^{[4]
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Expert Source

Michelle Shahbazyan, MS, MA
Life Coach

Expert Interview. 18 March 2020.} When someone asks you something, take a moment and remember that how you respond is your choice. ^{[5]
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Research source}
- For example, if someone asks you to stay late on a project, tell yourself, “I have the choice to say yes and stay or to go home and say no.”

4

Prioritize your needs.

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Your goals and responsibilities take precedence over everyone else. Knowing your priorities can help you choose what to say yes to and what to decline. ^{[6]
X
Expert Source

Michelle Shahbazyan, MS, MA
Life Coach

Expert Interview. 18 March 2020.} If you feel trapped in a decision, choose what’s more important to you and why. If you’re not sure, write a list of your demands (or options) and place them in order of what’s most important to you. ^{[7]
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American Psychological Association
Leading scientific and professional organization of licensed psychologists
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- For example, taking care of your sick dog might be more important to you than attending a party you friend is having.

5

Speak up when you want something.

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Take initiative when it comes to getting what you want. There's nothing wrong with voicing your opinion, and it doesn't have to mean you're making a demand. Simply reminding people that you're an individual with your own preferences is a big step forward. If you tend to please people by going along with other people want instead of voicing your likes or dislikes, speak out. ^{[8]
X
Expert Source

Michelle Shahbazyan, MS, MA
Life Coach

Expert Interview. 18 March 2020.}
- For example, if your friends want Italian food and you want Korean food, say that you want Korean food next time.
- Even if you go along with something, say your preference. For example, “I prefer the other movie, but I’m happy to watch this one.”
- Avoid being defensive. State your needs without being angry or blaming someone. Do your best to be assertive, calm, firm, and courteous.

6

Put time limits on yourself when helping others.

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If you do help someone out, at least put a cap on how long it takes. If you agree to help someone, set a time limit. You don’t have to justify your limits or make excuses for why you need to leave. State your limits and let that be that. ^{[9]
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- For example, if someone asks you to help them move, say, “I can help you between noon and three.”

7

Help others when it won’t violate a boundary.

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Know the line between what you are aren’t willing to put up with. Your boundaries are like your values. They help you to determine what you are and are not comfortable doing. You don’t have to respond right away when someone asks you for something. Say, “let me think about that” and get back to them. This will give you some time to think it over, ask yourself if you feel pressured, and think about possible conflicts. ^{[10]
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- If the person needs a quick response, say no. Once you say yes, you’re stuck.
- Don’t use this as a way to avoid saying no. If you want to or need to say no, just say it without making the person wait.
- If you are not sure what your boundaries are, then take some time to reflect on your values and rights. Boundaries can be material, physical, mental, emotional, sexual, or spiritual. ^{[11]
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8

Learn to compromise.

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Look for middle ground when you can please everyone (including you). Compromising is a good way to get your voice heard, maneuver within your own boundaries, and meet someone halfway. Listen to what the other person wants, then explain what you want. Come up with a solution that will meet both people. ^{[12]
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Harvard Business Review
Online and print journal covering topics related to business management practices
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- For example, if your friend wants to go shopping but you want to go on a hike, start with one activity, then do the other.

9

Build your self-esteem.

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If you feel good about yourself , you’ll stand up for what you want. Your self-worth isn’t based on what other people think of you or the approval of others. It comes from you and nobody else. ^{[13]
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Expert Source

Michelle Shahbazyan, MS, MA
Life Coach

Expert Interview. 18 March 2020.} Surround yourself with positive people and recognize when you feel low about yourself. Listen to how you talk to yourself (like calling yourself unlikeable or a failure) and stop beating yourself up for your mistakes. ^{[14]
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Trustworthy Source
Cleveland Clinic
Educational website from one of the world's leading hospitals
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- Learn from your mistakes and treat yourself the way you would treat your best friend. Be kind, compassionate, and forgiving.
- Note if you have people pleasing tendencies. This is often a sign of low self-esteem.
I put people’s needs before my own so they will like me. "I always tend to please my friends thinking that it would make them like me more, but I get no recognition. I only end up wasting time and chances to do what I really want to do. I've realized that I need to learn to love myself more without their approval." - Amira Y.

I feel underappreciated. "I'm always a people pleaser and feel low esteem. My family does not appreciate me, even if I give everything to them. Now I've learned to set boundaries and how to compromise which has been really helpful." - Satinder K.

We want to hear from you! Advice from our readers makes our articles better. If you have a story you’d like to share, tell us here .

10

Stop making excuses.

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At the end of the day, the only person you need to please is you. The only approval you need is your own. No matter how hard you try, some people just cannot be pleased. You can’t change what people think or feel to make them like you or approve of you. It’s up to other people to make those decisions. ^{[15]
X
Expert Source

Michelle Shahbazyan, MS, MA
Life Coach

Expert Interview. 18 March 2020.}
- If you’re trying to win the approval of a friend group or you want your grandmother to see what a good person you are, you may not be able to do this.

11

Get professional help.

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A therapist can help you learn how to express your needs and set boundaries. If you’re having problems communicating with people and saying “no,” a therapist can teach you how to stand up for yourself. If you’ve tried to change things yet it’s stayed the same or only gotten worse, there’s nothing wrong with getting help. ^{[16]
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HelpGuide
Nonprofit organization dedicated to providing free, evidence-based mental health and wellness resources.
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- Find a therapist by contacting your insurance provider or a local mental health clinic. You can also find a therapist by getting a recommendation from a friend or physician.

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Nicolette Tura, MA
Empowerment Coach
Nicolette Tura is an Empowerment Coach based in Asheville, NC, and San Francisco, California. She is dedicated to helping individuals navigate major life transitions—divorce, grief, career shifts, and health challenges—with clarity, confidence, and resilience. She blends psychology, mindfulness, and somatic healing to guide clients in breaking free from self-limiting beliefs and stepping into their power. As the founder of the nonprofit Celestial Wellness Network and co-creator of the music meditation project The Feather and Stone, Nicolette integrates mind, body, and spirit in her work. She is a certified Reiki practitioner, astrologer, and tarot reader, studying under three master teachers, including Kaypacha. Her background includes working as a Therapy Associate in neurology, supporting patients in their healing journeys. Nicolette holds a 500-hour RYT certification and is a NASM Certified Corrective Exercise Specialist, bringing a holistic approach to transformation. She received a BA in Sociology from the University of California, Berkeley, and a Master’s degree is Sociology from San Jose State University. With over a decade of experience in nonprofit leadership and personal coaching, she empowers clients to embrace their authentic selves, heal deeply, and create a life of purpose and abundance.

Nicolette Tura, MA

Empowerment Coach

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How will my life change if I stop people-pleasing?

Michelle Shahbazyan, MS, MA
Life Coach, Author, and Speaker
Michelle Shahbazyan is a Life Coach, Author, and Speaker based in Los Angeles, California. She is the Founder of The LA Life Coach, a concierge life, family, and career coaching service. She has over 15 years of experience with life coaching, consulting, motivational speaking, and matchmaking. Michelle has helped thousands of clients achieve peace, fulfillment, and a healthier mindset. Her ultimate goal is to provide her clients with the tools, perspectives, and resources needed to create the life they desire. Michelle specializes in supporting individuals and couples with a wide array of concerns, including depression, anxiety, love and relationship issues, ADHD, grief, stress, anger management, and career planning. Her approach is informed by neuroscience, anthropology, sociology, and behavioral biology, ensuring that the strategies she develops with clients are both effective and enduring. She has a BA in Applied Psychology and an MS in Building Construction and Technology Management from Georgia Tech University, and a MA in Psychology with an emphasis on Marriage and Family Therapy from Phillips Graduate University.

Michelle Shahbazyan, MS, MA

Life Coach, Author, and Speaker

Expert Answer

When you're better at taking care of yourself, you'll find that your life will be thoroughly enhanced. You'll feel better, you'll be more productive, and you will have more time and energy for yourself. It's a very different way of living.

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How do I stop being a pushover?

Nicolette Tura, MA
Empowerment Coach
Nicolette Tura is an Empowerment Coach based in Asheville, NC, and San Francisco, California. She is dedicated to helping individuals navigate major life transitions—divorce, grief, career shifts, and health challenges—with clarity, confidence, and resilience. She blends psychology, mindfulness, and somatic healing to guide clients in breaking free from self-limiting beliefs and stepping into their power. As the founder of the nonprofit Celestial Wellness Network and co-creator of the music meditation project The Feather and Stone, Nicolette integrates mind, body, and spirit in her work. She is a certified Reiki practitioner, astrologer, and tarot reader, studying under three master teachers, including Kaypacha. Her background includes working as a Therapy Associate in neurology, supporting patients in their healing journeys. Nicolette holds a 500-hour RYT certification and is a NASM Certified Corrective Exercise Specialist, bringing a holistic approach to transformation. She received a BA in Sociology from the University of California, Berkeley, and a Master’s degree is Sociology from San Jose State University. With over a decade of experience in nonprofit leadership and personal coaching, she empowers clients to embrace their authentic selves, heal deeply, and create a life of purpose and abundance.

Nicolette Tura, MA

Empowerment Coach

Expert Answer

Be honest with yourself regarding what you can and can't do, and stay true to your integrity. Understand that if you continue to people please, you may end up lashing out and feeling burnt out. Try to have open and honest conversations with people, as that can encourage compromise.

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Don't worry about what other people think of you.

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Ask yourself if you tolerate things other people wouldn’t tolerate. Learn to identify and label unacceptable treatment from others and set limits on their behavior when they violate your boundaries.

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Be persistent. If this is a lifelong habit, it will not be easy to overcome. Maintain enough self-awareness so that you realize when you are being a pleaser.

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The advice in this section is based on the lived experiences of wikiHow readers like you. If you have a helpful tip you’d like to share on wikiHow, please submit it in the field below.

If you can't do something that a friend asks of you and they get upset, reconsider if they are truly your friend or not. Sometimes a response of getting upset is okay, but other times it's not that serious.
Be yourself, or people will start thinking of you as someone you're not.
Realize the people you want to please want to please you too.

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Michelle Shahbazyan, MS, MA
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How to Stop Being a People Pleaser

Steps

Get comfortable saying no.

Assert yourself in a kind, empathetic way.

Delay your response.

Prioritize your needs.

Speak up when you want something.

Put time limits on yourself when helping others.

Help others when it won’t violate a boundary.

Learn to compromise.

Build your self-esteem.

Stop making excuses.

Get professional help.

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Tips

Tips from our Readers

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