How to Give Someone Space Without Losing Them

Co-authored by Lena Dicken, Psy.D and Danielle Blinka, MA, MPA

Last Updated: October 16, 2024 Fact Checked

Being asked to give someone space can be a painful experience, and you may be worried that you’re going to lose them. While it’s normal to be upset, it’s important that you honor their wishes if you want your relationship to survive. Step back from your relationship so they have the space they need, but tell them that you’re doing this to help your relationship. While you give them space , focus on yourself to make the situation easier on you. Then, try to repair your relationship.

Method 1

Method 1 of 3:

Respecting Their Need for Space

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1
Ask the person how much space they need, if possible. Try to set a specific time frame for how long you’ll be apart, even if you just set a day to check-in with each other. Additionally, ask them what they expect from you, like limiting communication or avoiding each other in public. This empowers you to meet their needs and prevents miscommunication that could hurt the relationship. ^{[1]
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- You might say, “I really want to give you the space you need. Can you tell me what space looks like for you so I know what you expect?”
- For instance, they might want you to stop all contact for a few days. This might include texting, social media, and in-person conversation. However, they may be okay with an occasional text as long as you give them time alone.
2
Tell the person that you’re giving them space because you care . One of the pitfalls of giving someone space is that they can start to think you don’t care about them. This puts you in a tricky position because they’ll be unhappy if you bother them, as well. To make sure you’re both on the same page, explain that you’re going to back off only until they’re ready to get close again. ^{[2]
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Expert Source

Lena Dicken, Psy.D
Clinical Psychologist

Expert Interview. 15 December 2020.} ^{[3]
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Research source}
- Say, “You’re really important to me, and I can see that you need some space right now. I’m going to give you the space you need, and I hope this will strengthen our relationship in the long-term.”
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3
Stop calling and texting the person while you're giving them space. In most cases, you’ll need to give them several days or possibly weeks of space, depending on what happened. During this time, don’t call or text them more than you agreed. If you do, they’ll feel like you aren’t respecting their wishes and may become more upset. ^{[4]
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- If you can, ask them what they’d prefer. Say, “Do you want me to stop texting and calling until you contact me first?”
- Giving someone space doesn’t just mean spending time away from them. If you’re texting them, you’re not giving them space.
Tip: How long you need to avoid texting or calling will depend on what happened and how much space they need.
4
Stay off their social media accounts. You probably want to know what they’re doing, and that’s understandable. However, it’s harmful to both of you if you’re stalking their social media page. Not only will it make you more anxious, it may also make them feel like you’re hovering over them. Play it safe and stay off their accounts. ^{[5]
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- Don’t like or comment on anything they’re posting. Additionally, don’t ask mutual friends what they’re doing.
Tip: Don’t make social media posts that are directed at the person. If they see the post, it will probably upset them and make them feel like you’re trying to contact them using social media.
5
Avoid places you know they frequent so you won’t run into them. You might not be able to completely avoid them, especially if you live together or attend the same school. However, do your best to stay away from places they might be, such as their workplace or their favorite restaurant. This will help you avoid awkward encounters that might make them feel uncomfortable. ^{[6]
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- For example, let’s say you know the person likes to pick up coffee from the same coffee house every day. If they see you there, they might assume that you ran into them on purpose.
6
Don’t ask them what they’re doing or monitor their activities. When someone asks for space, they need time to explore their independence and decide what they want from the relationship. If you demand to know everything they’re doing, you’re not giving them the independence they need. Let them do what feels right to them without telling you the details. ^{[7]
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- You might be tempted to ask, “Who will you be seeing?” This kind of question will make them feel like you aren’t respecting their need for space.
- Don’t try to set rules, like who they can see and what they can do during the separation.

Method 2

Method 2 of 3:

Focusing on Yourself

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1
Allow yourself to feel your emotions , but don’t act on them. Spending time away from someone you care about is really difficult. You might feel sad, angry, frustrated, or worried. Acknowledge how you’re feeling and express your emotions in a healthy way , like journaling or making art. However, don’t act on your feelings because it will likely make things worse. ^{[8]
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- For instance, you might say to yourself, “Right now I feel really sad because Alex is my best friend and I might lose her.” This can help the emotion pass.
- On the other hand, it’s not a good idea to call Alex and cry about how upset you are.
2
Distract yourself with fun activities and social events with friends. Instead of worrying about what they’re doing, use this time to do activities that are important to you. Spend time with your friends, engage in your favorite hobbies, or explore a new interest. Fill your free time with fun things that will keep you occupied. ^{[9]
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Expert Source

Lena Dicken, Psy.D
Clinical Psychologist

Expert Interview. 15 December 2020.} ^{[10]
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Research source}
- For instance, see a movie on Monday, host a game night on Tuesday, paint on Wednesday, practice card tricks on Thursday, and go to a high school football game on Friday.
Tip: Staying busy reduces the risk of you breaking down and calling them. By having fun without them, you’re giving them the space they need.
3
Keep your mind busy so that you won’t think about them. You’re probably really worried about losing this person, but thinking about that isn’t going to help. It’ll only make you more miserable and might make you reach out too soon. Do something to occupy your mind, like reading, playing a game, or watching a documentary. This will help you think about something else. ^{[11]
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- For instance, let’s say you find yourself thinking about your partner during your lunch break. Try reading a book to occupy your mind.
4
Talk to someone you trust if you need to discuss your feelings. Right now you’re probably feeling really upset, and venting might help you feel better. Discuss the situation with a person you can trust. Let them know if you just want to talk or if you’d like their advice. ^{[12]
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- You might say, “I’m going through something right now and just need to vent. My boyfriend needs space, and I’m worried that we’re going to break up. I miss him so much.”
Variation: If you don’t want to tell someone how you feel, try writing about your feelings in a journal.
5
Practice self care so you’re living your best life. Taking good care of yourself will make you feel better and shows the other person that you’re able to be independent. Make sure that you’re eating healthy meals, exercising, and bathing daily. Additionally, do nice things for yourself like getting your favorite coffee, taking a hot bath, or going for a short walk. ^{[13]
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Expert Source

Lena Dicken, Psy.D
Clinical Psychologist

Expert Interview. 15 December 2020.} ^{[14]
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Research source}
- Create a schedule for yourself so that it’s easier to keep up with your self care while you’re going through this situation.

Method 3

Method 3 of 3:

Repairing the Relationship

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1
Identify the reason they needed space in the first place. Think about what happened before they asked for space and what they said when they told you what they needed. Then, ask yourself what you could have done differently, and how you can make things better in the future. ^{[15]
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- For instance, you may have had a fight or they might think you’re too clingy.
- If the person is ready, talk to them about what made them need space. Say, “What did I do that pushed you away?”
2
Apologize for the mistakes you made. It’s likely that both of you did things that were hurtful, but you can only control what you do. Tell them that you understand what happened and that you’re sorry. Then, explain that you’ll try to avoid repeating this pattern in the future.
- You might say, “I understand that I wasn’t respecting your need to spend time with your friends. I’m really sorry that you felt like I was controlling you. In the future, I’ll make sure that you have time for your other relationships.”
- Similarly, say, “I’m really sorry that I was talking to your ex at the party. I know that you were hurt by that, and I’ll honor our friendship better in the future.”
3
Plan a fun activity for the day you reunite with each other. Things might feel uncomfortable at first, and you may be tempted to talk about your feelings. However, the best way to get your relationship back on track is to have a really fun time together. Pick an activity that you will both enjoy, then invite them to join you. ^{[16]
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- Try to find something that won’t involve a lot of heart-to-heart talking. For instance, go bowling, play mini golf, go rock climbing, or attend a concert.
- Pick something that’s a common interest to help you remember why you enjoy each other’s company.
4
Make sure that each of you has time to be independent. A healthy relationship allows both people to grow, pursue their own interests, and enjoy other relationships. Talk to the person so you can decide what each of you need to feel fulfilled in your relationship. Then, change your old patterns so you both are able to stay independent and happy. ^{[17]
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- In a romantic relationship, this might mean you both need a few evenings every week to pursue personal hobbies or spend time with friends.
- In a friendship, it could mean that you both respect that you have other friends and that you don’t hang out with each other’s exes.
- If it’s a family relationship, like siblings, this might mean respecting personal space, giving each other time alone every day, and asking before you use each other’s things.
5
Communicate with them daily via text, phone, or in person. A relationship can’t survive without communication, so look for ways to connect. Send them memes, ask how their day is going, or set aside time every evening to talk. Discuss what you both want to help you decide what good communication will look like for your relationship. ^{[18]
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- As an example, you might talk in person a lot if you live together, but you may prefer to text several times a day if you spend a lot of time apart.
- If they want to communicate less often, respect their wishes.

Expert Q&A

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Question

How do you ask someone if they need space without being offensive?

Lena Dicken, Psy.D
Clinical Psychologist
Dr. Lena Dicken is a Clinical Psychologist based in Santa Monica, California. With over eight years of experience, Dr. Dicken specializes in therapy for anxiety, depression, life transitions, and relationship difficulties. She utilizes an integrative approach combining Psychodynamic, Cognitive Behavioral, and Mindfulness-based therapies. Dr. Dicken holds a BS in Integrative Medicine from the University of Hawaii at Manoa, an MA in Counseling Psychology from Argosy University Los Angeles, and a Doctor of Psychology (Psy.D) in Clinical Psychology from the Chicago School of Professional Psychology at Westwood. Dr. Dicken’s work has been featured in GOOP, The Chalkboard Magazine, and in numerous other articles and podcasts. She is a licensed psychologist with the state of California.

Lena Dicken, Psy.D

Clinical Psychologist

Expert Answer

Say something like “Do you need some time to process what you're going through on your own? Do you need space?” Or just simply “Tell me what you need? Would it be helpful for you to talk right now? Or would it be helpful for you to just have some space?”

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Does getting space mean breaking up?

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No, not necessarily. In fact, if you respect your partner’s desire for space, it could potentially make the relationship stronger. If you have concerns, have a heart-to-heart talk with your partner about why they want space and what it means for your relationship.

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What does it mean to give someone space?

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It can mean a few different things. For example, it might literally mean spending time apart or not talking to each other for a while, or cutting back on physical intimacy a bit. It could also mean giving them emotional space—for example, not asking them how they’re feeling, demanding their attention, or checking in on them quite so often.

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Warnings

It’s possible that they’ll realize that they don’t want to save your relationship. While that’s really upsetting, things will get better in time.

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Clinical Psychologist

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How to Give Someone Space Without Losing Them

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Respecting Their Need for Space

Focusing on Yourself

Repairing the Relationship

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