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A guide to understanding and embracing your sexual orientation
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Whether you’ve struggled to solve the mystery of your sexuality or have been told it’s “just a phase,” coming to terms with your bisexuality might present unique and tough challenges. You want to know the truth? You’re perfect just the way you are! There’s absolutely nothing wrong with being bisexual—being attracted to more than one gender is perfectly valid. So, how do you become comfortable with this identity and embrace your sexuality? Keep reading to learn how to accept yourself as bisexual.
Things You Should Know
- Bisexuality doesn’t define who you are at your core. The label describes who you’re attracted to, not who you are as a person.
- Validate your feelings and ignore biphobic comments with positive affirmations like, “I like men and women, and there’s nothing wrong with that.”
- Seek support from others within the LGBTQ+ community by joining bi-inclusive support groups or attending LGBTQ+ events.
Steps
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Define your sexuality on your terms. “Bisexual” typically means you’re sexually or romantically attracted to more than one gender. [1] X Research source This could mean you’re attracted to men and women, cis men and nonbinary people, or any other combination of genders. Either way, you’re attraction to more than one gender may not be evenly weighted. You might feel a stronger attraction to one over the other, and that’s perfectly okay! There are varying degrees of bisexuality, so define the label as it best fits you. [2] X Research source- Sexuality is fluid and difficult to define. It's okay if the word “bisexual” means something different to you than others. You may be interested in both men and women sexually, but only men romantically. You may have always had sexual feelings for men and women or have developed sexual feelings for a particular gender later in life.
- There’s no right or wrong way to be bisexual. While some insist that 50/50 makes someone bisexual, this view isn’t universal and there aren't any rules.
- Pay attention to yourself and your own feelings. It's okay if your definition of bisexuality differs slightly from another person's. Everyone is different.
- Not sure if you’re bisexual? Take our “Am I Bisexual?” quiz to learn more about your sexual orientation.
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Don't compromise your sexuality for others. Unfortunately, bisexuality isn’t as commonly accepted as other labels within the LGBTQ+ community—there’s a bit of a stigma. Some people insist that bisexual individuals must “pick a side” to be valid, but this isn’t the case. Push aside criticisms that your attraction to more than one gender is indecisive or greedy—follow your heart! You don’t need to change yourself or your feelings to be accepted. [3] X Research source- You don't have to choose between one gender over another just because someone doesn’t understand bisexuality. You know yourself better than anyone else, so let the haters hate!
- Try countering disbelievers by saying, “I'm bisexual and attracted to both genders. I don't need to pick a side. It's actually not really possible for me to do that. I like who I like, and I can’t change that.”
- Keep in mind that it’s not your job to make people like you. If someone can’t accept your relationships, they may not deserve you as a friend. True friends and allies will support you without question.
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Accept that there’s no right way to be bisexual. Many people feel they should act a certain way if they identify as bisexual. You may, for example, feel you should be extra committed to monogamy because of stereotypes about bisexual people being prone to infidelity. Remind yourself that your sexuality is only one component of who you are—every aspect of your behavior is unrelated to your sexuality. There’s no right way to be bisexual. You can like whoever you want, and once you can accept that, you can accept your sexual orientation. [4] X Research source- Pursue whatever types of relationships you want that will make you happy. If you want a monogamous relationship, be in a monogamous relationship. If you want an open relationship, be in an open relationship. You do not have to follow any rules regarding relationships or dating simply because you are bisexual—don’t be afraid to break the stigma. [5] X Research source
- Keep in mind that labels aren’t for everyone. If you identify with bisexuality but don’t want to label yourself as such, that’s totally cool! Do what’s best for you.
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Recite a personal mantra to remind yourself that your feelings are valid. Because of the stigma surrounding bisexuality, it may be hard to accept yourself completely, especially when you have others invalidating your emotions. Positive affirmations, however, can help you feel more self-assured. [6] X Trustworthy Source PubMed Central Journal archive from the U.S. National Institutes of Health Go to source Push these criticisms aside and create a mantra you can recite when you feel down, such as:- “I am attracted to more than one gender, and there is nothing wrong with that.”
- “I am bisexual, and my feelings are valid.”
- “My sexuality is unique to me, and I don’t have to explain myself.”
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Know that you’re not alone in how you feel. Despite the stigma, bisexuality makes up a large portion of the LGBTQ+ community. [7] X Research source Whenever you feel ready, coming out as bisexual can help you connect with other people like you who share similar experiences and feelings. [8] X Research source- When you feel lost, remind yourself that the “B” in LGBTQ+ stands for “bisexual.” The label is so abundant that it’s a part of the community’s acronym—you’re not alone!
- Take a moment to search “bisexual celebrities” online. You may be surprised by how many of your favorite stars identify similarly to you. [9] X Research source
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Work on liking yourself the way you are. You have a right to feel good about yourself. After all, you’re fabulous inside and out, regardless of your sexual orientation! We know accepting yourself for who you are may be difficult at times, but building your self-esteem and believing in yourself can help you be more confident and accept your identity . [10] X Trustworthy Source National Health Service (UK) Public healthcare system of the UK Go to source- Seek out bi-positive people to talk to. Talk about your sexuality with supportive friends and family members. If there’s an LGBTQ+ resource center in your community, try seeing if they have bisexual discussion groups. [11]
X
Expert Source
Deb Schneider, LCSW, PPSC
Licensed Clinical Social Worker Expert Interview. 2 April 2021. - Keep in mind that your sexuality doesn’t define your sense of self, self-esteem, or overall happiness. While it can help you understand yourself and live a fulfilling life, it doesn’t determine who you are.
- Seek out bi-positive people to talk to. Talk about your sexuality with supportive friends and family members. If there’s an LGBTQ+ resource center in your community, try seeing if they have bisexual discussion groups. [11]
X
Expert Source
Deb Schneider, LCSW, PPSC
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Open up about being bisexual with trusted loved ones. Don’t feel pressured to talk about your sexuality with anyone; however, know that it can be a positive experience. You don’t need to label yourself if you don’t want to, but many find solace in labels as they help them find a supportive community. [12] X Research source Try opening up to one trusted loved one about your sexuality. Then, when and if you feel comfortable, try telling more friends and family members. [13] X Research source- Be direct when talking about your sexuality and explain what bisexuality means in your own terms.
- Try saying something like, “I just wanted you to know I'm bisexual. I’ve dated men and women. A lot of people assume I'm straight, but I’m not.”
- Open the conversation to questions if you’re comfortable, like, “If I mention I’m going on a date, I don't want you to assume it’s with a particular gender. It's okay to ask me who I was on a date with.”
- Let them know who is aware of your sexual orientation to avoid any mishaps, with something like, “Just so you know, I haven't told many people about this yet. Can we keep this between us for now?”
- Worried about opening up to others? Find support with other wikiHow users on the "How do I come out as bi?" forum page.
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Embrace your place in the LGBTQ+ community. Many bisexual people may feel like they don't have a place within the LGBTQ+ community, but that isn’t the case! The “B” stands for “bisexual,” no matter how you define it! Go to Pride and LGBTQ+ events and support your sexual orientation if you feel like doing so. Not only is this a great way to accept yourself, but it can also help you find others who support you unconditionally. [14] X Research source- Remember, who you date doesn’t define your sexuality. If you're in a relationship with someone of a different sex, you’re still bisexual. [15] X Research source
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Attend LGBTQ+ or bisexual support groups. Meeting more bisexual people or others within the LGBTQ+ community can help you feel more accepted. Not only can they offer you advice, but they can also provide support in times of need. Talk to a therapist about bi-inclusive support groups in your area, look for support groups online, or go to conferences that center around bisexuality issues. Reaching out to other bisexual people can help you accept your identity. [16] X Expert Source Deb Schneider, LCSW, PPSC
Licensed Clinical Social Worker Expert Interview. 2 April 2021.- For 24/7 support, try calling support lines such as The Trevor Project (866.488.7386) or The LGBT National Hotline (888.688.5428). [17] X Research source
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QuestionI'm worried about coming out to my grandmother because, while I want her to know, I feel she just doesn't understand these types of things and I'm afraid she will react poorly. What do I do?Paul Chernyak is a Licensed Professional Counselor in Chicago. He graduated from the American School of Professional Psychology in 2011.Try coming out to your parents first, if possible. They can be used as leverage and support for coming out to your grandmother.
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QuestionI am bisexual, have always known, and I used to date both men and women. I feel insecure and alone because I don't have any friends who are bi. What should I do?Paul Chernyak is a Licensed Professional Counselor in Chicago. He graduated from the American School of Professional Psychology in 2011.Reach out to online forums first to get advice and a sense of connection to others who are bisexual. They can help provide you with further ways to connect with others locally.
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References
- ↑ https://www.thetrevorproject.org/resources/article/understanding-bisexuality/
- ↑ https://www.betterhealth.vic.gov.au/health/healthyliving/bisexuality
- ↑ http://everydayfeminism.com/2015/01/5-ways-to-stand-up-to-toxic-messages-and-accept-yourself-as-a-bisexual-person/
- ↑ http://everydayfeminism.com/2015/01/5-ways-to-stand-up-to-toxic-messages-and-accept-yourself-as-a-bisexual-person/
- ↑ https://www.thetrevorproject.org/resources/article/understanding-bisexuality/
- ↑ https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC4814782/
- ↑ https://www.thetrevorproject.org/resources/article/understanding-bisexuality/
- ↑ https://www.thetrevorproject.org/resources/guide/the-coming-out-handbook/
- ↑ http://everydayfeminism.com/2015/01/5-ways-to-stand-up-to-toxic-messages-and-accept-yourself-as-a-bisexual-person/
- ↑ https://www.nhs.uk/mental-health/self-help/tips-and-support/raise-low-self-esteem/
- ↑ Deb Schneider, LCSW, PPSC. Licensed Clinical Social Worker. Expert Interview. 2 April 2021.
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/sexual-self/202112/the-importance-emerging-gender-and-sexual-identity-labels
- ↑ https://www.thetrevorproject.org/resources/guide/the-coming-out-handbook/
- ↑ http://everydayfeminism.com/2015/01/5-ways-to-stand-up-to-toxic-messages-and-accept-yourself-as-a-bisexual-person/
- ↑ https://www.hrc.org/resources/bisexual-faq
- ↑ Deb Schneider, LCSW, PPSC. Licensed Clinical Social Worker. Expert Interview. 2 April 2021.
- ↑ https://pflag.org/resource/support-hotlines/
About This Article
Article Summary
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It can be difficult to accept your bisexuality because of social pressures, but your sexuality is natural and you can embrace it by being confident and building a support system. Being bisexual means different things to many people, but you should think about how it defines you and understand that there’s no right or wrong way to be bisexual. If someone says you’re indecisive or that you should pick a side, tune them out and tell them that it’s not possible. Remember that each time you identify as bisexual without compromising, you’re helping people around you be more aware and accepting. To feel more accepted, reach out to local LGBT communities or online groups where you can talk about your experience. Consider taking what you learn in these groups and using it to inform your family and friends who might not understand your sexuality. For more help from our co-author, like how to embrace your place in the LGBT community, read on.
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- "I came out as bisexual to my mom yesterday. She was very supportive of me and so was my brother, but it is still a hard time on my dad. I had feelings for both men and women, but my mom wants me to be friends with someone first before anything happens. She said I feel like I'm more attracted to men then girls, but I still like girls. I see a therapist, so hopefully he can tell me the answer. " ..." more
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"I came out as bisexual to my mom yesterday. She was very supportive of me and so was my brother, but it is still a hard time on my dad. I had feelings for both men and women, but my mom wants me to be friends with someone first before anything happens. She said I feel like I'm more attracted to men then girls, but I still like girls. I see a therapist, so hopefully he can tell me the answer. "
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"I found this to be very positive and informative. As someone who has struggled with their sexual identity for years, I'm beginning to be comfortable with telling people I am bi, however I still find it hard. I hope everyone who reads this takes comfort in knowing you're not alone and there is nothing wrong with you. Know thy self."
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"I feel kind of lonely, because I don't know anyone else that is bisexual. All of my family and friends are homophobic, and this made me feel more comfortable being bisexual. Just knowing there's nothing wrong with me and that there are others feeling this."
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"I no longer hate myself. It's a very long and dark story, but in the end, accepting myself has opened me up to so many new things and has improved my mental health so much. Just knowing that much more about myself makes my life a lot better. Thank you."
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