Download Article
Your guide to popping the question before popping the question
Download Article
When it comes to proposing, your girlfriend might not be the only person you ask for her hand in marriage. If you or your girlfriend are fairly traditional, then getting a blessing from her parents is the first step before popping the question. We know exactly how nerve wracking this task can be, which is why we’re here to help: we’ll walk you through sitting down with her parents and even give you examples of exactly what to say. To dive into this new and exciting chapter of your life, keep reading!
Things You Should Know
- Ask your girlfriend’s parents to meet up in-person in a quiet, private spot, like in a cafe or at a restaurant.
- Explain how much your girlfriend means to you, then ask her parents if you can have her hand in marriage.
- Prepare to answer any questions they may have, like how soon you’re going to propose or how much money you have to spend on a wedding.
Steps
-
Meet your girlfriend’s parents before asking. If you haven’t met your girlfriend’s parents yet, ask your girlfriend to set up a time to meet them. That way, you can all get to know each other a little bit, and it will feel less intimidating when you ask them for their blessing.
- If you haven’t met her parents yet, you can still ask for their blessing on your first meeting. However, it can feel a little intense (and could get awkward), so it’s best to meet them beforehand.
- Reader Poll: We asked 992 wikiHow readers how they usually dress for a first meeting with their partner's parents, and only 5% of them said they like to wear something that makes a statement . [Take Poll] Most people prefer—and recommend—to wear something that’s put together, comfortable, represents them well, and is appropriate for the occasion.
-
Plan what you're going to say. Asking your girlfriend’s parents for her hand in marriage can be nerve-wracking. If you’re nervous or afraid that you’ll forget what you want to say to her parents, memorize and practice the speech beforehand. If you want a more natural conversation, or feel comfortable asking for your girlfriend’s hand in marriage, don’t worry about writing a speech. [1] X Research source
- Think about why you love your girlfriend when crafting your explanation.
- If you do prepare a speech , practice reading it to a close friend. Get feedback to help you figure out how to best phrase what you want to say.
Advertisement -
Consult your girlfriend’s primary parent(s). If your girlfriend was raised by both parents, you should sit down with both of them. In the case of divorced parents, however, consult only your girlfriend’s primary parent (unless her step-parent helped raise her). For instance, if your girlfriend grew up with her mom and rarely or never saw her father, don’t feel obligated to ask him for his daughter’s hand in marriage. After her mother has agreed to the marriage, inform her father that you’ve asked for his daughter’s hand in marriage. [2] X Research source
- If your girlfriend has a complicated family dynamic and you aren’t sure who to ask, check in with your girlfriend first.
-
Ask her parents to meet with you alone. When presenting them with news that their daughter might get married, it is important to meet them face-to-face. This demonstrates that you take seriously the notion of marriage and the proposal process. Ask them to meet you for a brief afternoon outing, like to a coffee shop or restaurant. [3] X Research source
- If they ask why you want to get together, then you could say something like, "I have something important that I want to talk to you about."
- If you live far away from her parents and can’t meet in person, you can ask over the phone or send them a letter. However, an in-person visit is the best choice.
-
Pick a private, quiet location to talk. You could choose to sit down with your girlfriend’s parents at their home, or you might choose to have a nice meal with them. Think about what her parents are like. Would they like to go to a simple eatery? A fine restaurant? Would they want to have a conversation about it at a brewery or on the golf green? [4] X Research source
- If her parents live far away, consider planning a trip to visit them with your girlfriend. Then, you can invite her parents for a private dinner or outing while your girlfriend is busy.
-
Choose between asking for their blessing or asking for permission. Before going forward with the process, understand the consequences of a “yes” or “no” answer from your girlfriend’s parents. There are 2 conditions under which you might ask for your girlfriend’s parents to marry: [5] X Research source
- You might be asking for permission to marry . In other words, if your girlfriend’s parents say no to the marriage, she will obey their wishes and reject any marriage offer from you.
- You might be asking for your girlfriend’s parents' approval, or blessing . This is distinct from the request for permission. Asking for her parents’ approval or blessing means that you’re going to propose no matter what their answer is, but you’d still like to get the okay from them before moving forward.
Advertisement
-
Express how you feel about their daughter. Be honest and sincere when offering your feelings. For instance, you might say, “She’s a wonderful woman who inspires me to be the best person I can be. She makes me laugh and always understands what I’m thinking.” [6] X Research source
- Don’t exaggerate or say vague things like, “She’s perfect,” or “We never have any problems.”
- Conclude by informing them that they’ve raised a wonderful daughter.
-
Ask if you can marry their daughter. You have, in part, already done this by describing all the good qualities you see in their daughter. But in order to justify marriage, express your undying commitment to their daughter. Tell them that you want to spend your life with her. [7] X Research source
- Take a deep breath and ask directly, “I would like your approval to marry Jessica.”
- Or, “Do I have your blessing to ask Jamie for her hand in marriage?”
- Don’t say, "I would like to marry your daughter” if your girlfriend has sisters. A comedic parent might ruin the solemnity of the moment by asking “Which one?” if they have multiple daughters.
-
Answer their questions, if they have any. After they’ve granted permission for the marriage, your future parents-in-law will have some obvious questions for you. They will likely want to know when you intend to pop the question and when you plan on having the wedding. Listen carefully to what they have to say, and don’t be afraid to say that you don’t have those answers yet. Don’t make up answers in order to appear as if you have everything all planned out when you don’t.
- They might have more practical concerns, too, like where you intend to live together or what your job will be (if you expect to change it).
Advertisement
-
Find out what her parents value. Before you decide to ask your girlfriend's parents for their daughter's hand in marriage, consider what you know about them and if this is something that they will expect or even appreciate. This is an old tradition that some parents might see as essential, while others might not expect at all. [8] X Research source
- If you are unsure about whether or not your girlfriend's parents will appreciate this gesture, then try asking your girlfriend what she thinks.
- You could say something like, "Are your parents pretty traditional when it comes to marriage?" or "How did your parents get engaged?"
- Conduct research into her parents’ values if necessary. For instance, if your girlfriend’s parents are from India, you might need to investigate Indian marriage traditions to figure out whether or not asking a girl’s parents for her hand in marriage is a standard part of the marriage process.
-
Talk to your girlfriend about marriage. Ask your girlfriend if she’d like to get married, and if so, when she’d like to do that. This is different from proposing to your girlfriend. Ask, for instance, “Where do you see us in 5 years?” If she brings up marriage, you can safely proceed with the process of asking for her hand from her parents. [9] X Research source
- If she doesn’t immediately mention marriage, ask her specifically if she’d ever like to get married to you. For instance, you might ask, “Do you think we would be happy if we were married?” If she says yes, go forward with the process of asking her parents for her hand in marriage. If she’s uninterested in marriage or unsure if she wants to marry you, don’t pressure her into it.
-
Decide whether to ask now or to wait. Is now a good time for you two to get married? Are there any reasons you shouldn't? Think about it through your girlfriend's parents' eyes: would they want their daughter marrying you? If you have only known one another for a week, for instance, you may want to hold off on proposing marriage.
- Most experts recommend dating someone for at least 2 to 3 years before deciding to marry them . [10] X Research source
- Think about your and your girlfriend’s financial situation. Not only will the actual wedding be very expensive (the average wedding costs over $26,000), but other things like wedding rings and the honeymoon can quickly sink your financial ship.
- While you will probably not get married immediately after being granted your girlfriend’s hand in marriage, have enough cash to cover everything when the marriage occurs (usually 6 to 12 months after proposing to her).
-
Predict what your girlfriend’s parents might say. When you’re ready to ask your girlfriend’s parents for her hand in marriage, you should already have some sense of what they think of you and your relationship with their daughter. Do they look favorably upon the relationship, or are they skeptical of it? Ask your girlfriend from time to time what they think of you and how you can improve their impression if it’s not favorable.
- Does her father-in-law, for instance, have only mild reservations which would be leveled at any suitor? In this case, you can feel confident about receiving approval. On the other hand, does he have concrete, specific concerns about your ability to provide or remain committed to your girlfriend? In this case, wait until you’ve secured the trust of your girlfriend’s parents before asking them for her hand in marriage.
- While it might seem like cheating, going into the situation with the answer in mind is the best way to ensure you don’t waste your time or that of your girlfriend’s parents.
Advertisement
Expert Q&A
Ask a Question
200 characters left
Include your email address to get a message when this question is answered.
Submit
Advertisement
Tips
- Remember that someone who really loves you will tell her family how happy you make her and demand that, at the very least, they be civil to you. If she allows them to ignore you or make veiled insults, you might want to reconsider the proposal.Thanks
- There’s no set timeline for how long you should wait between asking your girlfriend’s parents and proposing . Some people wait days or weeks, while others wait months.Thanks
Submit a Tip
All tip submissions are carefully reviewed before being published
Name
Please provide your name and last initial
Thanks for submitting a tip for review!
Advertisement
References
- ↑ https://slate.com/human-interest/2014/06/asking-future-in-laws-for-permission-to-marry-their-daughter-a-tradition-worth-keeping.html
- ↑ https://slate.com/human-interest/2014/06/asking-future-in-laws-for-permission-to-marry-their-daughter-a-tradition-worth-keeping.html
- ↑ https://www.theknot.com/content/asking-for-blessing-to-marry
- ↑ https://www.slate.com/articles/life/weddings/2014/06/asking_future_in_laws_for_permission_to_marry_their_daughter_a_tradition.html
- ↑ https://www.slate.com/articles/life/weddings/2014/06/asking_future_in_laws_for_permission_to_marry_their_daughter_a_tradition.html
- ↑ https://www.easyweddings.co.uk/articles/ask-fathers-permission-marry/
- ↑ https://www.easyweddings.co.uk/articles/ask-fathers-permission-marry/
- ↑ https://www.easyweddings.co.uk/articles/ask-fathers-permission-marry/
- ↑ https://www.regain.us/advice/general/conversations-to-have-with-your-gf-before-you-propose/
About This Article
Article Summary
X
Asking your girlfriend’s parents for their daughter’s hand in marriage can be nerve-wracking, but there are many ways to make the process smoother. For example, make sure you’ve spent time with her parents before you ask for their marriage approval, which will give them a chance to get to know you. If you think her parents will be happy for you to marry her, call them and ask to meet for dinner. When you meet them, start by expressing how you feel about their daughter and how she improves your life. Then, tell them you’d like to marry her and tell them why. For instance, say something like, “I want to dedicate my life to her and I’ll do everything in my power to provide the best life for her I can.” For more tips from our co-author, including how to address any concerns your girlfriend’s parents might have about you marrying, read on.
Did this summary help you?
Thanks to all authors for creating a page that has been read 675,621 times.
Reader Success Stories
- "Be confident in talking to her parents. Start the conversation with how their daughter makes you feel, how important she is to you, and what you know about her with some inspiring talk, and finally asking their permission for approval." ..." more
Advertisement
100%
of readers found this article helpful
.
Click a star to add your vote
% of people told us that this article helped them.
"Be confident in talking to her parents. Start the conversation with how their daughter makes you feel, how important she is to you, and what you know about her with some inspiring talk, and finally asking their permission for approval."
..."
more
"Be cool when you're talking with their parents."
