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If you're engaged but you're having doubts about going through with the wedding, you might feel like you are trapped. Dealing with the realization that you don't want to marry your partner can be difficult, and breaking the news to your partner can be even worse. Whether you've realized that your partner isn't what you're looking for in a spouse or you simply feel that you're not ready to get married, it's important to listen to your heart and do what's best for you.
Things You Should Know
- Instead of focusing on finances, consider your feelings, your motivations, and your thoughts on the relationship before you make your decision.
- When you tell your fiance, meet them in person as soon as possible for a respectful, direct conversation.
- In the aftermath, make sure you've let guests know, split up your shared belongings, and gotten as much money back on your wedding as possible.
Steps
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Evaluate your reasons. Most people feel at least some degree of anxiety before getting married, so it's important to evaluate exactly how you are feeling and what's causing you to feel that way. Depending on the cause of your doubts, it may be best to call off the engagement, or you might just need to work through some issues.
- It is possible that you may be stressed about planning the wedding or being in the spotlight on the big day. If this is the reason for your doubts, you don't need to call the engagement off, but you may want to get someone to help you plan or even scale back your wedding plans.
- If you are unsure about your compatibility or your own ability to be a husband or wife, you and your fiancé(e) may benefit from therapy.
- If you are having doubts because you are not sure if you and your fiancé(e) will be in agreement on big issues, like having kids or moving to a new city, you need to talk about these issues before you decide whether or not to call off the engagement.
- If your partner is abusive in any way, you should end the relationship right away.
- If you are having doubts about the marriage because you love someone else, it may be best to call off the engagement. Your feelings are unlikely to go away. [1] X Research source
- Reader Poll: We asked 1520 wikiHow readers why they want to break up with their partner, and only 8% of them said their partner cheated on them. [Take Poll] Remember, you shouldn’t wait for your partner to do something horrible to break up with them. You’re allowed to end the relationship if you no longer want to be in it, no matter your reason.
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Don't ignore your feelings. If you continue to have nagging doubts even after working through your feelings, don't just assume that it is normal. Research has shown that couples who have doubts about their marriage going into it are much more likely to be unhappy later on and to eventually get divorced. [2] X Research source
- Women tend to have fewer doubts about getting married than men do, but women's pre-wedding doubts are also more highly correlated with divorce. The odds of divorce are even higher if both partners are doubtful before the wedding.
- Remember that being anxious about getting married is not the same thing as having doubts. If you are truly doubting your decision, you need to do something about it.
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Consider the future of the relationship. In some cases, you may want to call of your engagement and end your relationship with your partner all together, but in other cases, you may want to leave your options open. It is possible to call of an engagement but still remain in a relationship with your partner, especially if you feel that you need more time to grow in your relationship before committing to marriage. [3] X Research source
- Make sure you know exactly how you feel before you tell your partner and communicate your desire very clearly.
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Get support. It might be difficult for you to truly understand the sources of your doubts, so it's a good idea to talk to an unbiased third party about your feelings. Whether you choose to confide in a a friend or a professional therapist, an outside opinion can help you understand the nature of your doubts.
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Ignore the expenses. People sometimes feel as if they have no choice but to get married once the wedding has already been planned, but you can call it off at any time. Even though you might lose your deposits or be embarrassed to tell all of your guests that the wedding is cancelled, calling off an engagement will still be less costly than getting divorced.
- If you are thinking about calling off your engagement but are not sure, avoid making nonrefundable deposits or buying expensive items for your wedding.
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Don't drag your feet. If you're sure you want to call off the engagement, do it as soon as possible. Even though it might be scary, it will only cause more harm to your partner if you put it off. [4] X Research source
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Talk in person. You should never break this kind of news to someone over a text message or email, no matter how nervous you are about the other person's reaction. As hard as it may be, the right thing to do is to have an honest face-to-face conversation with your partner. [5] X Research source
- A phone call is better than a text or email, but a face-to-face conversation is still preferable.
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Be straightforward. It's important to be upfront with your fiancé(e) about why you don't want to go through with the marriage and what you want the future of the relationship to look like. If you never want to see your partner again, don't say that you might be able to work things out down the road. [6] X Research source
- There's no reason to bring up every disagreement the two of you have ever had. While you do want to give a reason for the breakup, don't go overboard with a laundry list of complaints.
- Make sure to give your partner the opportunity to ask questions, and always answer them sincerely.
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Be respectful. When it comes time to tell your fiancé(e) that you don't want to get married, it's important to be as tactful as possible. You want to make the breakup as easy for both of you as it can be. [7] X Research source
- Never yell or call your partner names when breaking up.
- Even if you are calling the relationship off for good, there's no reason you can't acknowledge that you will miss your partner. Depending on the situation, you can even explain how much your relationship meant to you.
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Notify guests. If you have already invited guests to your wedding, you need to notify them in writing that the wedding is cancelled as soon as possible. [8] X Research source
- It's up to you whether or not you want to offer an explanation as to why the wedding is cancelled.
- You also need to return any gifts you have received. It's not fair to keep them if you're not going through with the wedding.
- If you cancel right before the wedding, it's best to call each guest personally to let them know.
- Make sure to apologize to your guests for the inconvenience if they have already booked travel plans to come to your wedding.
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Get as much money back as you can. Depending on how far along you are with wedding plans, you may have already spent a lot of money. As soon as you decide to call off the engagement, contact all of your vendors right away to let them know. Be prepared to lose at least some money in deposits and on nonrefundable items, like a dress that has been altered for you. [9] X Research source
- The earlier you cancel, the more likely you are to get your deposit back from your venue because they may still have time to book another wedding on the day you had reserved.
- You vendors will probably be more sympathetic to your situation if you are nice about it, so don't argue with them over a refund.
- If you have a wedding insurance policy, check to see if it covers weddings that are cancelled due to a change of heart.
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Divide joint property. If you and your partner own property together, whether it's a house or personal belongings like a television and furniture, you will need to decide who keeps them. You can work out an agreement together, or you can take the issue to court if you can't agree. [10] X Research source
- If you and your fiancé(e) have a pet together, you will also have to decide who will take it. If a couple cannot agree, the case sometimes goes to court, in which case the judge will examine factors such as who adopted the pet, who cares for the pet, and who is best capable of caring for the pet in the future. [11] X Research source
- If you and your partner live together, whether you own or lease, you will need to decide who will stay and who will go. It's a good idea to have a plan for where you will go after you break off the engagement.
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Decide what you will do with the ring. If you have already given or received an engagement ring, but now you want to call the wedding off, you need to decide what will happen to the ring. Try to decide ahead of time what you want to do about the ring and how much of an argument you're willing to let it turn into. [12] X Research source
- Some states have laws regarding whether the recipient of the ring is entitled to keep it or required to give it back, so you may have no choice, assuming your partner brings you to court over it.
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Be prepared for a battle. Breaking off an engagement will be heartbreaking no matter what, but it can also bring legal trouble. If your partner puts up a fight over property or other issues, you may have to get a lawyer to represent you. [13] X Research source
- In some states, your ex-fiancé(e) may even be able to sue you for breach of promise to marry.
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End an Engagement Smoothly with this Expert Series
Ending any relationship can be daunting, but it doesn't have to be. Read these expert articles for advice on how to break off an engagement gracefully and peacefully.
Expert Q&A
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QuestionHow can I tell if I should break up with my fiance?Cherlyn Chong is a breakup recovery and dating coach. With 6 years of experience, she specializes in working with high-achieving professional women who want to get over their exes and find love again. She has experience as an official coach for The League dating app, and has been featured on AskMen, Business Insider, Reuters and HuffPost.This can be really difficult to figure out, but you want to look out for red flags. If they're always trash talking their exes or they seem really resentful, it could be a sign that they aren't mature enough to be married. Another sign could be if they're always talking about themselves. If you're worried about dog being sick and they turn around and start talking about a dog they had growing up, that's a bad sign. A lot of this comes down to your gut, though. If you're thinking about breaking up with your fiance, it's definitely a sign you aren't ready to get married, though. At bare minimum, push the wedding back while you evaluate your feelings.
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QuestionI am engaged and the wedding date is very near, but I don't want to marry her. What should I say to cancel the marriage?Community AnswerThis will be difficult, but if you don't want to marry this person, you must let her know this before it's too late. Explain that you are not ready for marriage and need to be on your own to figure some things out. She will not want to accept this, but it is for her own good that she not be married to a person who does not love her. She will understand it eventually.
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QuestionI've been engaged for nearly a year to a man I have known for 7 years. He still hasn't gotten a stable job. An old boyfriend contacted me and I want to explore that. What do I say to my fiance?Community AnswerIf you're sure about this, it's best to just tell your fiance, "I can't marry you because I still have feelings for someone else." Be honest and direct. If you think you'd like to try to make things work with your fiance, tell him in no uncertain terms that he needs to get a job immediately or the engagement is off.
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Tips
- Don't let anyone pressure you into getting married. You should only go through with it if it's really what you want.Thanks
- Calling off an engagement might be embarrassing, but remind yourself that it's much better than being stuck in an unhappy marriage.Thanks
- If people ask a lot of questions about why you are calling the engagement off, just tell them you don't want to talk about it.Thanks
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References
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/sticky-bonds/201302/cold-feet-the-wedding
- ↑ http://www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/250238.php
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/shrink-wrap/201405/uma-thurman-when-do-you-cancel-or-postpone-your-engagement
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/insight-is-2020/201207/breakup-etiquette-what-say-when-end-relationship-tips
- ↑ http://www.webmd.com/sex-relationships/features/how-break-up-gracefully?page=2
- ↑ http://www.webmd.com/sex-relationships/features/how-break-up-gracefully?page=2
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/insight-is-2020/201207/breakup-etiquette-what-say-when-end-relationship-tips
- ↑ http://www.forbes.com/2008/06/06/wedding-expense-refund-oped-cx_mb_0606cancel.html
- ↑ http://www.forbes.com/2008/06/06/wedding-expense-refund-oped-cx_mb_0606cancel.html
- ↑ http://www.nolo.com/legal-encyclopedia/free-books/living-together-book/chapter10-7.html
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/so-sue-me/201508/who-gets-the-dog
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/so-sue-me/201408/who-should-keep-the-engagement-ring-after-breakup
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/so-sue-me/201508/can-you-really-sue-someone-breaking-you
About This Article
Article Summary
X
While breaking off an engagement can difficult, sometimes it’s the best thing for you to do. Whatever your reasons, you can deliver the news to your partner by being direct and respectful. Don’t ignore your feelings if you have nagging doubts and do what you think is right for you, regardless of how it may look to friends or family. Try to tell your partner as soon as you can so you can minimize the harm it will cause them. Talk to them face-to-face and be upfront about why you don’t want to go through with the marriage. You can give them your reasoning but try to be respectful and avoid yelling or name-calling. After you break the news to your partner, you need to contact all of the guests that you invited and notify them that the wedding is off. Then, contact any venues, caterers, musicians, or anybody else that you hired for the wedding to notify them and to see if you can get any of your money back. For tips about how to decide what to do with your wedding ring, keep reading.
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