How to Be Honest Without Hurting Someone's Feelings

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Learn to express your opinion with kindness and confidence
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Mastering the art of honesty without hurting other people’s feelings helps you communicate and build stronger relationships with those around you. Consider the other person’s perspective and aim to take a friendly, non-threatening approach with constructive words, especially if you’re giving advice or asking someone to make a change. We chatted with licensed psychologists and life and leadership coaches to help you start a conversation, choose your words carefully, and manage your emotions so you can express yourself and find a solution.

Top Tips for Expressing Your Opinion

  • Sandwich your honest opinion between compliments and praise to soften it.
  • Focus on finding ways to improve the situation, rather than lingering on what’s wrong.
  • Remember that honesty goes both ways, so be open to hearing the other person’s opinion, as well.
Section 1 of 3:

Starting a Positive Conversation

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  1. It’s easy to criticize, but sometimes we criticize just for the sake of it, and not actually to help someone be better or to find a solution, which is a recipe for hurt feelings. Licensed Clinical Psychologist Christy Irvine says to “ask yourself what the purpose of your honesty is,” and what you hope to achieve by voicing it. [1]
    • If you’re delivering criticism , ask yourself if the criticism is either welcome or necessary to avoid further harm.
    • Also, ask yourself if there’s a possibility that you’re the one in the wrong. It’s important to be honest with yourself, too!
    • Never hesitate to be honest about your own feelings or emotions, especially when someone else is hurting them.
  2. The context of your criticism also matters. [2] Even the kindest criticism can hurt if the other person isn’t ready to receive it. Try to find a moment where they’re in a positive, receptive mood, and opt to talk to them in private, to avoid embarrassing anyone in front of others.
    • Face-to-face is best; it helps both people read each other’s body language and respond to nonverbal cues.
    • Of course, there isn’t always a perfect time or place, but still try to find the best conditions possible to voice your thoughts.
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  3. Someone who’s not open to criticism may never get the message, no matter how well you put it. Start your conversation by asking them if they’re open to an honest talk, and express that having the conversation is important to you. Also express that their own honesty is welcome, too. [3]
    • For example, you might say, “Hey, something’s been on my mind recently and I wanted to share my honest thoughts with you. Is this a good time?”
    • Again, there may never be a perfect time, so if the matter is urgent, you might try to broach the subject anyway, even if the other person is reluctant.
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Section 2 of 3:

Choosing Your Words

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  1. Leadership and Executive Coach Lauren Krasny says to “ start out with some positive validation , and then segue into the constructive feedback.” [4] This helps the other person feel more comfortable, and less like you’re attacking them.
    • As you talk, keep an approachable tone to help cushion your words. Talk softly and at a comfortable pace.
    • For example, you might say, “I love how much effort you’ve put into this, and I want it to be the best it can be. Can I offer some critiques?”
  2. Avoid lingering too long on the negatives. They’re important to point out, but once they’re established, pivot and start talking about ways to fix them, or how to move forward. [5] This shows the other person that you really care, and aren’t just here to poke holes.
    • For example, say, “I’ve noticed you’ve lagged on some deadlines. Is there anything I can do to help you to get these tasks done on time?”
  3. While it might be true that they’re in the wrong, blaming someone only gets you so far, and doesn’t solve the problem. When you talk about the issue, focus on just the facts of the event and your own perspective on it, and don’t linger on who’s to blame. Licensed Clinical Psychologist Christy Irvine says to emphasize feedback, rather than making personal attacks. [6]
    • For example, you might say, “Your comment really hurt my feelings,” instead of, “You hurt my feelings.” This focuses on the problem—what was said—rather than the person who said it.
    • Also, if you find yourself saying, “Well, someone had to say it,” as a way to express anger toward someone, you may be using your honesty as a way to blame others.
  4. Certified Life Purpose Coach Mel Shipman says to “respectfully present your ideas on how things can be improved.” [7] Part of that is framing your language. Even the best of us don’t like being told what to do. When offering solutions, avoid demanding change. Instead, ask for it, or express how much it would mean to you if things changed. This shows that you respect their agency and dignity, and aren’t just being controlling.
    • For example, you might say, “I’d appreciate it if we didn’t talk about that so much. It embarrasses me,” instead of, “Stop saying that.”
  5. Honesty is a 2-way street, and they’re likely to have their own thoughts on the matter. Licensed Clinical Psychologist Christy Irvine says, “if they have a reaction to the honesty that you're giving them… [be] ready for that and [be] open to that conversation as well, even when it's hard for you to hear.” [8]
    • For example, say, “I understand if you’re upset by this, but I felt it was important to say, because I really respect and want the best for you. I’d love to hear your thoughts on it.”
    • Also take note of their reaction. If they seem uncomfortable, like if they’re avoiding eye contact, you may need to soften your tone more, or shift to more positive aspects.
  6. Certified Life Purpose Coach Mel Shipman says to close with “one last acknowledgement or appreciation for what they did.” [9] This ends things on a positive note and makes the other person more likely to take your honesty to heart. A little humor can also communicate that, though it’s a tough conversation, it’s not the end of the world.
    • For example, you might say, “I really appreciate how honest I can be with you, and I like talking to you. Don’t hesitate to share your own thoughts!”
  7. Not every situation calls for complete honesty. For example, if someone asks, “Do you like my boyfriend?” or, “What do you think of these pants?” and your true feelings are negative, make your answer more general but still supportive. This allows you to be honest yet still kind and inoffensive.
    • For example, your response might be, “I like that he makes you happy,” or, “I love how confident you look in those pants.”
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Section 3 of 3:

Balancing Your Emotions

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  1. Even if your honest talk is about hurt feelings, it’s best to think of the situation from a detached perspective to have the most level-headed conversation. This doesn’t mean being cold or stoic; rather, it means focusing your energy on the problem, not how you feel in the moment. [10]
    • For example, say, “Your habits keep making us late, and I want to figure this out,” instead of, “I can’t believe we’re late again because of you. What’s wrong with you?”
    • If you need to, wait for your emotions to cool before you talk. Say, “I’m upset now, but I’d like to speak with you about this later so we can better understand each other.”
  2. Voicing your negative opinion of them as a person can be cruel, shuts down the conversation, and doesn’t leave any room for solutions. [11] Always focus on the situations and actions at hand, rather than the person’s moral character.
    • For example, instead of saying, “I thought you weren’t the kind of person who would do drugs,” say, “I’m concerned about how drug use might be affecting our relationship.”
  3. It’s easy to assume the worst of someone when you’re frustrated with them, but that can hurt your communication. Before and after the conversation, think positive thoughts about them, and remind yourself that they probably didn’t mean to act negatively. [12]
    • For example, you might think, “It was bad that they made us late, but they’re trying their best and they didn’t mean to.”
    • Also, while it’s fine to talk to other friends or confidants about the issue, avoid bad-mouthing the person, which isn’t productive.
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Master the Art of Communication with this Expert Series

The best communicators are diplomatic, honest, and tactful. We've put together these expert articles to help you improve your communication skills and your relationships.
1
Being More Diplomatic and How It Benefits You
2
9 Strategies to Deal Diplomatically with Difficult Family Members
3
Have Good Communication Skills
4
How to Be Honest Without Hurting Someone's Feelings
5
How to Treat People How You Want to Be Treated
6
Make Someone Feel Comfortable With You

Expert Q&A

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  • Question
    How can I be honest without being hurtful when someone is sensitive?
    Christy Irvine, PhD
    Licensed Clinical Psychologist
    Dr. Christy Irvine is a Licensed Clinical Psychologist and the owner of her private practice out of Portland, Oregon. With over 10 years of experience, she specializes in individual and couples therapy using various techniques including Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT), Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT), Interpersonal-Process Therapy, and Cognitive Processing Therapy (CPT). Dr. Irvine holds a B.A. in Psychology from Whitman College and a Ph.D. in Clinical Psychology from The University of Connecticut.
    Christy Irvine, PhD
    Licensed Clinical Psychologist
    Expert Answer
    Just make it totally clear before you start speaking that you're going to be honest but that it's only your perspective. Don't present your opinion as fact, and try to frame things as just your opinion.
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  • Question
    Is it better to be brutally honest?
    Christy Irvine, PhD
    Licensed Clinical Psychologist
    Dr. Christy Irvine is a Licensed Clinical Psychologist and the owner of her private practice out of Portland, Oregon. With over 10 years of experience, she specializes in individual and couples therapy using various techniques including Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT), Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT), Interpersonal-Process Therapy, and Cognitive Processing Therapy (CPT). Dr. Irvine holds a B.A. in Psychology from Whitman College and a Ph.D. in Clinical Psychology from The University of Connecticut.
    Christy Irvine, PhD
    Licensed Clinical Psychologist
    Expert Answer
    It totally depends on the utility of your feedback. If you're just giving your friends fashion advice, no, it's probably not a good idea to be brutal. If it's a performance review and you have an employee at risk of losing their job, then totally. They need to hear the truth.
    Thanks! We're glad this was helpful.
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      References

      1. ↑ Christy Irvine, PhD. Licensed Clinical Psychologist. Expert Interview. 9 April 2021.
      2. ↑ https://www.apa.org/monitor/2021/10/career-constructive-criticism
      3. ↑ https://www.apa.org/monitor/2021/10/career-constructive-criticism
      4. ↑ Lauren Krasny. Executive, Strategic, & Personal Coach. Expert Interview. 27 March 2020.
      5. ↑ https://www.science.org/content/article/science-relies-constructive-criticism-here-s-how-keep-it-useful-and-respectful
      6. ↑ Christy Irvine, PhD. Licensed Clinical Psychologist. Expert Interview. 9 April 2021.
      7. ↑ Mel Shipman. Certified Life Purpose Coach, Owner of NextLevel Life, LLC. Expert Interview. 31 August 2021.
      8. ↑ Christy Irvine, PhD. Licensed Clinical Psychologist. Expert Interview. 9 April 2021.
      9. ↑ Mel Shipman. Certified Life Purpose Coach, Owner of NextLevel Life, LLC. Expert Interview. 31 August 2021.
      1. ↑ https://www.science.org/content/article/science-relies-constructive-criticism-here-s-how-keep-it-useful-and-respectful
      2. ↑ https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC5709796/
      3. ↑ https://www.science.org/content/article/science-relies-constructive-criticism-here-s-how-keep-it-useful-and-respectful

      About This Article

      Article Summary X

      With a little extra thought and the right tone of voice, you can be honest with people without sounding harsh. If you want to say something that might come across as a criticism, try leading with a positive statement. For example, say, “I love spending time with you, but do you think you could get here earlier next time?” Always use a calm, casual tone of voice so they won’t think you’re trying to offend them. You can also try disguising your honesty in a joke. For instance, if you don’t like someone’s song, say something like, “It’s not really my thing, but my idea of good music would probably deafen you.” On the other hand, if you think your words might come across harsh and they haven't directly asked you, it might be safer not to say anything. For more tips, including how to validate someone’s feelings, read on!

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