How to Be Secure

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Many of the decisions you make, both consciously and unconsciously, affect your sense of security. But how can you be sure that you’re heading in the right direction? Not to worry—we’re here to help. Keep reading for plenty of tips on how to boost your emotional security, develop a strong sense of self, and feel financially secure.

1

Practice mindfulness.

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    Mindfulness is the practice of observing your thoughts and feelings to cultivate an active awareness of yourself and your surroundings in the present moment. [1] In turn, this can help you feel more overall satisfaction over time. [2]
    • Try to breathe consciously. Take a slow inhalation while you count to five, hold your breath for five seconds, and exhale slowly for five seconds.
    • Focus on the present moment.
    • Any time your mind starts to wander, return your attention to the way your body feels and the sensory information around you.
    • Cultivating mindfulness takes a lot of practice and patience. Work at it every day, and over time you will feel happier, more secure, and more at peace. [3]
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2

Try reaching out to others.

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    Try making amends with a friend you've had a falling out with to restore that connection in your life, or practice asking for help/advice from the people closest to you for a renewed sense of community. [4]
    • Reaching out to friends and rekindling an old friendship can help remind you that there are people in your life who love and care about you.
    • Having a heart-to-heart conversation with someone close to you can help strengthen your relationship with that person. Be sure to emphasize that you love and support your friend/partner/family member, and ask them to emphasize the same to you.
3

Get your emotional needs met.

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    Everyone has emotional needs that we strive to satisfy through romantic relationships, friendships, and familial relationships. Each type of bond offers a different kind of comfort, security, and acceptance. If you're feeling emotionally insecure, it could be that one or more of the primary relationships in your life are not meeting your emotional needs. [5]
    • Take time to reflect on your relationships. Do you ever feel unloved or uncared for in those relationships? Do you feel secure with the people around you, or are you always a little insecure?
    • If you think one of the relationships in your life is causing you a sense of insecurity, try talking to that person about the way you feel. Decide what it is that person could do differently, and have an honest but loving conversation about your needs and how they can be better met.
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4

Learn to trust others.

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    This may be because of past relationships or friendships that ended badly, or it could simply be a deep-seated fear of abandonment. Whatever your reason for feeling mistrustful, you need to recognize that you cannot go through life without trusting others. Just because something may have ended badly once (or even multiple times), it does not mean that every relationship or friendship will end the same way.
    • Ask yourself whether your mistrust of others stems from not trusting yourself. Many people unconsciously project their fears and negative emotions on other people. Is it possible that you don't trust your partner because you yourself have doubts? [6]
    • Oftentimes, the heart of your mistrusting another person is a lack of trust in yourself to make wise decisions. If you want to be friends or lovers with someone, you'll need to decide whether you're willing to take the risk that you might get hurt. Believe in yourself and trust that you'll know what to do if such a situation arises. [7]
5

Stop comparing yourself to others.

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    This is true of physical comparisons, like looking at your body in comparison to actors/actresses/models in the media. But it's also true of intellectual comparisons, creative comparisons, and career comparisons.
    • Find your own style, and recognize your own beauty. You're a unique and wonderful individual, and comparing your life/body/career to others does a great disservice to yourself.
    • Remember that you are ultimately responsible for your own happiness, in that personal satisfaction and self-love have to come from within. Be kind to yourself, and try to respect yourself for who you are right now, not who you aspire to be in the future.
    EXPERT TIP

    John Keegan

    Dating Coach
    John Keegan is a Dating Coach and motivational speaker based in New York City. With over 10 years of professional experience, he runs The Awakened Lifestyle, where he uses his expertise in dating, attraction, and social dynamics to help people find love. He teaches and holds dating workshops internationally, from Los Angeles to London and from Rio de Janeiro to Prague. His work has been featured in the New York Times, Humans of New York, and Men's Health.
    John Keegan
    Dating Coach

    Confidence makes you more desirable in the world of relationships. To set yourself up for a healthier partnership, focus on building a positive self-image and be kind to yourself. People are attracted to those who have self-respect and know their worth.

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6

Identify and adjust negative core beliefs.

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    Some of these core beliefs develop early in life, but some develop (or can be adjusted) later in life. Your negative core beliefs are built from your negative life experiences, biased/unreasonable expectations, and negative self-evaluations.
    • Ask yourself whether your life experiences have led you to believe there is something "wrong" with you, then question what you are basing your sense of "normal" on.
    • Can you link a specific person, place, or event with any negative beliefs you hold about yourself? If so, why do you think that belief is an absolute truth based on the opinion of one person or the occasion of one negative event?
    • Ask yourself honestly, "Would I ever say the things I think about myself to someone else about their body, career, or lifestyle choices?" If you wouldn't say something hurtful to others, why say it to yourself?
    • Examine the evidence of your negative self-beliefs. What are those beliefs actually based on, and has anything remotely positive ever come out of holding on to those beliefs?
    • Create new opportunities for safe, healthy, and positive experiences that you have not previously had. Approach situations that you've previously avoided (so long as they are safe) and see challenges through to the end instead of abandoning your aspirations.
    • Do nice things for yourself that are safe, fun, and make you feel good about yourself.
    • Try being more assertive with the people in your life. Don't be bossy, but let your voice and your thoughts/opinions be heard.
7

Recognize and celebrate your strengths.

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    If you suffer from low self-esteem, it is probably even more difficult to remember your strengths. Take a few minutes each day to practice self-awareness of your personal strengths, and try journaling to see how your self-esteem changes as you take more time to celebrate yourself. [8]
    • Make a list of your strengths. Then make another list of your achievements. Make a third list of qualities/characteristics you admire in others that are also present (to any degree) in yourself. Read through these lists on a regular basis, and try writing a new set of lists every few weeks. Keep your old lists and compare them after a few months to see if anything has changed.
    • Ask a close friend, family member, or romantic partner to make a written list of your best attributes. Ask them to write about why they care about you, what makes you the unique person that you are, and what you do better than anyone else. Keep this list with you at all times (in your wallet or purse, perhaps) and read through it whenever you feel bad about yourself.
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8

Take good care of yourself.

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    Everyone has emotional and physical needs, and if those needs aren't met, we tend to feel pretty bad. Take good care of yourself on a day-to-day basis, and odds are you'll feel significantly better in your skin. [9]
    • Spend some time each day on your personal hygiene. Make sure you brush and floss your teeth each day, shower or bathe, style your hair, shave, and trim your nails.
    • Eat a healthy, well-balanced diet. Make sure you are getting enough vitamins and nutrients, and avoid junk food.
    • Get more exercise. Find ways to get a little bit of exercise every day, like walking or riding your bike on your errands instead of driving. In addition to your day-to-day walking or bicycle riding, aim for a more vigorous cardio workout three times each week.
    • Dress in clothing that makes you feel good about your body. Whether you feel more comfortable in slim, form-fitting clothes or baggier, looser clothes, figure out what you're most comfortable and confident in and try to wear those confidence clothes as often as possible.
    • Make sure you get enough sleep. Depending on your age, most adults need between seven and nine hours of sleep each night. [10]
9

Develop SMART goals.

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    Many people feel troubled when they cannot achieve their goals, but instead of beating yourself up, consider whether your goals are achievable or even measurable. Experts tend to agree that developing S.M.A.R.T. goals (Specific, Measurable, Achievable, Results-focused, and Time-bound) can help you make meaningful goals that will give you a sense of purpose and accomplishment. [11]
    • Specific - be clear and simple in defining what, precisely, it is that you want to do.
    • Measurable - create goals that have some metric of measurement. The only way you'll ever know that you're making real progress towards your goal is if you have a way of measuring that progress.
    • Achievable - your goals should challenge you a little bit, but should ultimately be something you can realistically accomplish.
    • Results-focused - the way you measure your progress should be by your outcomes, not just your activities. Don't measure progress by simply working at your goal. Measure progress by how much you've accomplished on the way to meeting your ultimate goal. Take stock in the "little" victories along the way.
    • Time-bound - give yourself a realistic timeframe. Don't expect results overnight, but don't give yourself a year to get around to putting in some effort. Decide what a reasonable, realistic date of completion should be and hold yourself to that deadline.
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10

Forgive yourself and others.

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    Odds are if you've lived any time in this world, you've hurt someone, and someone else has hurt you. These offenses may be intentional or accidental, but many people have a hard time letting these incidents go from their memory. However, playing a scenario you regret over and over in your mind will never undo what's been done. It will only torture you and make you feel worse about yourself and others. [12]
    • Remember that mistakes offer you an occasion to grow. You may have hurt others or been hurt, but the important thing is that you learned from your mistakes, and others who hurt you have also learned from their own errors.
    • Instead of dwelling on things you wish you'd done differently, acknowledge what you would like to do differently now. The present moment is the only time you can change, because the past cannot be altered and the future does not yet exist.
    • Focus in this moment on how you can be the best version of yourself, and find ways to make that version of yourself a reality.
11

Find things to be grateful for.

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    Take some time each day to reflect on the people and circumstances that have made your life what it is today. Obviously, not everyone/everything has been good all the time, but chances are you've had some pretty amazing events in your life, and you've probably met a lot of inspiring, loving people. Try to remember that you would not be who you are today if others had not shown you love, and if you hadn't been born into the circumstances you were given. [13]
    • No one's life is perfect all the time. In fact, many people struggle their whole lives. No matter how difficult your life might be, try to remember that there are others who have it worse, and those people probably admire your life.
    • Be grateful for the people who have shown you love and taught you how to love. Think about how sad and lonely life could be if not for the love others have shown you, at least at some point in your life.
    • Try to appreciate the little things in life. Watch the sun rise or set each day, and take stock of the fact that you've lived to see another day - there are a lot of people who cannot say the same thing about this present day.
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12

Assess your current financial situation.

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    This starts with examining your finances, including your savings and your expenses. [14]
    • Take note of your income, as well as your savings (if any).
    • Track your daily, weekly, and monthly expenses. Carry a small notebook in your pocket or purse and write down every single expense. That includes things you buy, bills you pay, and the dates/times those expenses were incurred. You should also make a note of how you were feeling when you made any purchases.
    • Examine your spending patterns. Do you tend to buy things for yourself when you're feeling sad or stressed out? Are there any purchases that you made on a whim when you didn't really need that item, or could have found it cheaper somewhere else?
    • Make sure you are not spending more than you earn. This will quickly put you in debt, and it will be hard to recover your finances once you're in the red.
    • Find ways to reduce expenses. You don't need to deprive yourself of every single thing that makes you happy, but you also need to set limits and boundaries for yourself. Don't go on shopping sprees whenever you feel like it, and don't make useless purchases that you don't really need.
13

Cut back on expenses.

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    Some expenses, like rent, utilities, and groceries, are unavoidable. But even with these essential expenses, you can find ways to spend less by shopping smart and avoiding unnecessary expenditures. [15]
    • Any time you go grocery shopping, bring a shopping list and stick to it.
    • Whenever possible, buy items that are on sale, generic/off-brand, or in bulk. This can save a lot of money and will give you the same essential product, but at a fraction of the price.
    • Try to buy things second-hand whenever possible.
    • Compare prices before you buy. If you look around at advertisements, both online and in the newspaper, chances are you'll be able to find the exact same product at a lower cost somewhere else.
    • Prepare meals at home. Avoid eating out as much as possible, and bring a bagged lunch and thermos of coffee to work everyday. This will help save a lot of money, and you can apply that money to other expenses or to a savings account.
    • Seek out free or low-cost entertainment. You can find a lot of movies online for free or for relatively low costs (through legal streaming websites), or visit the library and borrow books, CDs, and movies for free.
    • Adjust your thermostat during the day when you're not home, and at night when you're asleep. Try to only run your heat or air conditioner the most when you're at home and awake. (However, if you have any pets at home, remember that they need a comfortable temperature during the day and night, even if you're not home.)
    • Don't buy things on credit, or with a credit card. Save up until you can afford your purchases and you'll avoid a lot of stress (and debt) in the process. [16]
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14

Increase your income.

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    Even if you're working full-time, you can still find odd jobs to make a little extra cash on the side. And if you're getting by with your bills on your current job, your side job can be devoted to your savings account! [17]
    • Look at the help wanted section in newspapers or on job listing websites.
    • Find easy side jobs that won't interfere with your work schedule. Odds are you'll be able to find listings for dog walkers, babysitters, or even freelance work on the side.
15

Start a savings account.

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    It's okay if it takes you a while to save up money. It takes a lot of planning and hard work for most people, but the reward of financial security is well worth it. A good way to start saving is by opening a savings account. You can start out small - say, by setting aside $20 every month or every paycheck. Over time, that weekly or monthly deposit adds up to a pretty substantial savings. [18]
    • Many financial institutions let you set up an automatic transfer so that a portion of your paycheck is automatically deposited into your savings account.
    • Some banks offer a "Keep the Change" (or similar) program, in which small debit/checking purchases are rounded up to the nearest dollar and the change is deposited into your savings account. This is a quick and easy way to build up your savings without even really noticing it.
    • Try to avoid dipping into your savings unless it's an absolute emergency. If you can put off any purchases until after you receive your next paycheck, hold off and leave your savings untouched.
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      Tips

      • If you feel like life's too much to handle sometimes, don't bottle it up - vent it. Write about it on paper, talk to a friend, or visit a trained counselor.
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      • Never allow anyone to bring you down.
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      • Get enough sleep, eat a proper diet, and get adequate exercise. Self care is the first step towards feeling better and more secure in your life.
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      Warnings

      • If your insecurities feel overwhelming and you feel like you can't handle it, ask for help. Talk to a therapist about ways to manage your stress and work towards a healthier, more secure sense of self.
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      • Having a negative self-image can be very damaging to yourself.
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      References

      1. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/basics/mindfulness
      2. ↑ http://www.apa.org/monitor/2012/07-08/ce-corner.aspx
      3. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/articles/200811/the-art-now-six-steps-living-in-the-moment
      4. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/emotional-fitness/201303/10-ways-feel-more-secure-in-insecure-world
      5. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/everybody-marries-the-wrong-person/201207/feeling-secure-in-relationships
      6. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/anxiety-zen/201507/10-steps-restoring-trust-in-relationships
      7. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/articles/200203/how-can-you-learn-trust-again
      8. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/hide-and-seek/201205/building-confidence-and-self-esteem
      9. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/hide-and-seek/201205/building-confidence-and-self-esteem
      1. ↑ http://www.webmd.com/sleep-disorders/features/adult-sleep-needs-and-habits
      2. ↑ http://www.hr.virginia.edu/uploads/documents/media/Writing_SMART_Goals.pdf
      3. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-integrationist/201308/building-healthy-self-esteem
      4. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-integrationist/201308/building-healthy-self-esteem
      5. ↑ http://www.forbes.com/sites/northwesternmutual/2013/05/20/5-steps-to-take-control-of-your-financial-security/#7b2373f671ee
      6. ↑ http://www.consumer-action.org/modules/articles/manage_your_money_en
      7. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/emotional-fitness/201209/7-tips-about-money-and-emotions
      8. ↑ http://www.forbes.com/sites/rent/2015/10/01/how-to-save-money-even-when-it-feels-impossible/2/#3fb9fe2e6e30
      9. ↑ http://www.forbes.com/sites/rent/2015/10/01/how-to-save-money-even-when-it-feels-impossible/#dd5d8be3109e

      About This Article

      Article Summary X

      What makes you feel secure can vary greatly depending on who you are, but recognizing your strengths and taking care of yourself are a good place to start. Avoid comparing yourself to others, since we all have individual talents and abilities that should be celebrated. Focus on your strengths and positive characteristics, like being hard-working, caring, or reliable, since being confident in your own abilities will help you feel more secure. You should also take good care of yourself by wearing clothes you feel comfortable in and maintaining good personal hygiene, which will help you feel better in your own skin. Try to focus on the small, positive things you experience on a daily basis, such as the sunrise or someone being kind to you, which will help you see that you're part of a larger society and are not alone. For tips from our co-author on how to be financially secure, read on.

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        Jun 8, 2016

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