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Overcome shyness and awkward pauses to more easily connect with those around you
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Conversation doesn't come naturally to everyone. Some of us need a little practice, and that's totally normal. Whether you’re talking with a friend or someone you just met, there are some basic conversational skills you can practice to make yourself more confident and welcoming. We'll show you how to ask better questions, be approachable and easy to talk to, become a more engaged listener, and overcome common conversation obstacles to keep the chat flowing and comfortable.
Things You Should Know
- Ask open-ended questions without yes-or-no answers to help you conversations flow freely and get others talking.
- Make eye contact, and keep your body turned toward your conversation partner to foster a friendly, easygoing vibe.
- Rephrase and respond to what others say to show that you're attentive and listening.
Steps
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Focus on asking open-ended questions to encourage conversation. Asking “yes” or “no” questions doesn’t naturally give others an opportunity to expand and talk more. Instead, try asking open ended questions, like: [1] X Research source
- “Tell me about where you grew up,” rather than “Where did you grow up?”
- “What types of activities do you like to do when you have free time?”
- “How did you first get involved with ____,” or “How did you and ____ meet?”
- Keep in mind that people won't appreciate it if you ask personal or inappropriate questions that are completely unrelated to the topic of conversation. Repeating the same question over and over will make that person not want to talk to you anymore.
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Say “tell me more” to invite the other person to continue talking. Sometimes a conversation can stall because the other person fears they’ve been talking too much or perhaps they think their story is uninteresting. Prod and encourage them to continue talking by saying “tell me more” in an open and kind way. [2] X Research source
- For example, you could say, “tell me more about that process,” or “tell me more about what that was like for you.” These statements show that you’re interested in what the other person has to say, and they can lead to deeper conversations.
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Turn the question around after answering one yourself. Sometimes other people are really good at asking questions, which is great! After answering them, keep the conversation going by asking them about themselves. For example, if they ask you what kinds of books you like to read, ask them if they’ve read anything good lately that they could recommend. [3] X Research source
- When someone asks you about a specific topic, chances are they have some familiarity with that thing and it’s safe to focus in on that subject.
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Ask someone for more information if you’re unfamiliar with a subject. There is nothing wrong with admitting you don’t know something—if you find yourself in a situation where someone is asking you or talking to you about something you don’t know, say something like, “You know, I’m actually unfamiliar with that. Can you tell me more about it?” [4] X Research source
- If they makes you feel badly for not knowing something, chances are they just aren’t a very kind or gracious person.
- Not pretending to know more than you do also shows that you’re a genuine person, and it’ll probably make others feel that you’re more trustworthy of a person, too.
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Maintain a friendly tone to show you’re interested in the conversation. Sometimes when you're nervous, your tone might come off a little odd, so practice speaking kindly to others. [5] X Expert Source Lynn Kirkham
Public Speaking Coach Expert Interview. 20 November 2019. Smile when you speak to show you’re open to talking and to make others feel more comfortable. [6] X Research source- Also be aware of your body language . Crossed arms or slumped shoulders indicate being unapproachable; try to keep your arms at your sides and avoid staring at the ground.
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Practice open body language to appear more approachable. Try to not cross your arms across your chest, as that can make you look angry and closed off. Instead, keep your arms at your sides, if you can, and be conscious of your shoulders—keep them back and relaxed rather than hunched up around your ears. [7] X Research source
- Looking up and forward also exudes confidence, as opposed to keeping your head down, which can make you look nervous and shy.
- Even if you don’t feel confident and are nervous about talking to others, try faking it with your body language—you may be surprised at how much your body language impacts your attitude. [8]
X
Expert Source
Lynn Kirkham
Public Speaking Coach Expert Interview. 20 November 2019.
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Make eye contact to let the other person know you’re engaged. [9] X Expert Source Lynn Kirkham
Public Speaking Coach Expert Interview. 20 November 2019. The main thing to remember is that you want your attention to be directed at the person, and not at your phone or anything else surrounding you. It’s okay if you glance away and break eye contact once in a while, but in general, try to watch the other person as much as you can. [10] X Research source- Definitely keep your phone put away when you’re talking to someone. Notifications, texts, and incoming calls will distract both you and the person you’re talking to.
- There’s a balance between not looking someone in the eye at all and staring them down and making them uncomfortable—try to nod, smile, and look away from time to time to look more natural.
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Match your speaking volume to the setting to maintain privacy. If you’re speaking with a larger group of people, make sure your voice is loud enough to be heard by everybody. But if you’re in a more intimate setting, like a restaurant or a small party, keep your voice low enough so as to not distract others. [11] X Research source
- For example, if you’re at a loud restaurant, rather than shouting to be heard and adding to the noise, lean in closer to your companion so you can hear each other better.
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Pay attention to the other person’s body language to practice empathy. Watch out for signs that the other person is impatient or upset, like: tapping toes, frequent glancing away, crossed arms, checking their phone, scowling or grimacing, and fidgeting or repetitive movements. These things may mean that the other person wants to move on from the conversation, or perhaps they’re nervous or stressed out. [12] X Research source
- If you’re concerned that the other person is upset or nervous, you could ask them, “Is everything okay? You seem a little fidgety.”
- If you think the other person wants to end the conversation, try saying something like, “I don’t want to keep you too long.”
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Use “acknowledgement responses” to show you’re listening. Acknowledgement responses are brief statements or gestures that cue the other person to keep talking. Nonverbal gestures include nodding your head, cocking your head to the side, and furrowing your brow a little bit to show you’re concentrating. You can also try some of these verbal statements: [13] X Research source
- Mm-hmm.
- Right.
- Yes.
- Keep in mind that if you intersperse these comments too frequently, it can be distracting for the speaker. A natural place to say them is when the other person pauses or perhaps looks at you for confirmation that you’re listening.
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Reflect back what you understand the person to be thinking or feeling. This isn’t just mimicking back what the person said, but rather it’s taking the information and reframing it to show you understand what they’re talking about. Essentially, you want to empathize with the person’s feeling and show that you understand why they feel that way. [14] X Research source
- For example, if a friend is telling you about a frustrating situation at work, you could respond by saying something like, “It sounds like that miscommunication was really difficult to respond to.”
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Avoid interrupting the other person with similar stories of your own. If you have something to share, that’s perfectly fine—just make sure the other person is finished speaking before you begin. Interrupting others communicates that you aren’t really listening to them; rather, you’re just waiting for your turn to speak. [15] X Research source
- If you find yourself interrupting others often, it’s okay to say something like, “I’m so sorry. I have such a bad habit of interrupting. Please, continue what you were saying.”
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Learn to be comfortable with pauses and silence . The tendency is normally to start chattering to fill up awkward silences, but the next time you’re faced with a long pause in a conversation, try to internally count to 5 and remind yourself that it’s okay if there is a lull in conversation—chances are, it’ll only last for 15 seconds or so and then you’ll move on. [16] X Research source
- You can introduce a new topic of conversation if you want to, or you could just ride out the silence and see if anyone else has something to talk about.
- If the silence goes on for a while, it’s okay to excuse yourself to go to the restroom or to refresh your drink. The pause actually gives you a natural time to break away if you want to.
- Reader Poll: We asked 1945 wikiHow readers what strategy they prefer for changing topics, and only 10% of them agreed that the best way to do so is by using a conversation starter. [Take Poll] Instead, try to organically change the subject based on what you’ve already been talking about.
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Discuss rather than debate to foster a positive atmosphere. Use conversations with others as a chance to learn and have fun. If someone says something you don’t agree with, try to learn more about why they think that way. And it’s okay to say you don’t agree, just try to be amiable and remember that the point of a discussion isn’t to change someone’s mind about something—it’s to get to know the person better. [17] X Research source
- However, if someone says something that is disrespectful or hostile, it’s okay to end the conversation. You should avoid judging others and always aim to respect different points of view, but if the person is making you uncomfortable, try to draw someone else into the conversation with you or make an excuse to walk away.
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Give the benefit of the doubt if someone makes a negative comment. For example, if someone is complaining about a situation, consider that perhaps they haven’t been able to talk about their feelings yet (everyone needs to vent sometimes), or if someone makes a comment you think is weird, try to remember that everyone is a little weird and you’ve probably said some odd things in conversation when you were nervous, too. [18] X Research source
- For example, if you’re at a party and someone reveals a little too much information about their recent bout of the flu, remember that they may be nervous and chatting more to try and keep the conversation moving. Try to gloss over the situation and not point out that their overshare was weird by finding something you can relate to. For example, you could say something like, “Oh, I think my friend had the flu around the same time. What’s your favorite movie to watch when you’re sick?” This keeps the conversation moving in a positive direction.
- In general, try to focus conversations in a positive, forward-thinking way, and be respectful of others, even if you think they’re a little weird.
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Stick to positive topics to keep the conversation from devolving. It’s definitely okay to talk about difficult things, but if you’re conversing with someone new or who you don’t know well yet, try to focus on talking about things that excite you or that you’re passionate about. [19] X Research source
- Avoid over-sharing personal information with new acquaintances. If you want to talk about the intimate details of your relationship or something you’re struggling with personally, try to do that with a trusted, close friend instead.
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Exit a conversation gracefully. Ending a conversation can be the hardest part of interacting with another person. Try practicing a few statements at home so you can pull them out when you need to. Try some of these different endings: [20] X Research source
- “It was so nice getting to talk with you. I need to say hi to a few more people tonight still, but I hope you have a great rest of your evening.”
- “I need to start heading out, but I really enjoyed getting to know more about you. Could we exchange numbers and talk more again later?”
- “Thanks so much for talking with me tonight. I’m going to go stop at the restroom and say hi to a few other people, but hopefully I’ll see you around again soon!”
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Expert Q&A
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QuestionHow can I become a more fun conversationalist?Lynn Kirkham is a Professional Public Speaker and Founder of Yes You Can Speak, a San Francisco Bay Area-based public speaking educational business empowering thousands of professionals to take command of whatever stage they've been given - from job interviews, boardroom talks to TEDx and large conference platforms. Lynn was chosen as the official TEDx Berkeley speaker coach for the last four years and has worked with executives at Google, Facebook, Intuit, Genentech, Intel, VMware, and others.Try using your hands and emoting while talking so you seem more involved in a conversation. It can also help to take some time to practice telling stories so it feels more natural when you're speaking.
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QuestionHow do I handle talking to someone who does not say much?Community AnswerConversing with an introvert can be challenging, especially if you're more extroverted and don't struggle as much with extreme self-consciousness or sudden brain blanks in talking with others. Often it takes time for an introvert to feel comfortable enough to shoulder his or her fair share of the conversation, so expect you'll have to talk to this person multiple times before beginning to break the ice. Learn about his or her interests and ask open-ended, probing questions that invite that person to elaborate. And be patient!
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QuestionIf the conversation pauses, what do I do?Community AnswerEither link the previous topic of discussion to a new subject, or after a few moments, begin talking about something else altogether. Don't rush it; pauses aren't always detrimental to a conversation, especially after something particularly meaningful/funny/impactful has been said.
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Tips
- Read the news headlines before heading out to a party or networking event. Being up-to-date on recent events will help you participate in conversations. [21] X Research sourceThanks
- The more you talk with others, the more comfortable you will be, so get out there and practice!Thanks
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References
- ↑ https://personalexcellence.co/blog/conversation/
- ↑ https://medium.com/chatkit/how-to-be-a-good-conversationalist-e2ab2af45aae
- ↑ https://medium.com/chatkit/how-to-be-a-good-conversationalist-e2ab2af45aae
- ↑ https://personalexcellence.co/blog/conversation/
- ↑ Lynn Kirkham. Public Speaking Coach. Expert Interview. 20 November 2019.
- ↑ https://personalexcellence.co/blog/conversation/
- ↑ https://www.scienceofpeople.com/body-language/
- ↑ Lynn Kirkham. Public Speaking Coach. Expert Interview. 20 November 2019.
- ↑ Lynn Kirkham. Public Speaking Coach. Expert Interview. 20 November 2019.
- ↑ https://medium.com/chatkit/how-to-be-a-good-conversationalist-e2ab2af45aae
- ↑ https://www.toastmasters.org/~/media/B7D5C3F93FC3439589BCBF5DBF521132.ashx
- ↑ https://www.maxwell.syr.edu/uploadedFiles/parcc/cmc/Reflective%20Listening%20NK.pdf
- ↑ https://www.maxwell.syr.edu/uploadedFiles/parcc/cmc/Reflective%20Listening%20NK.pdf
- ↑ https://www.maxwell.syr.edu/uploadedFiles/parcc/cmc/Reflective%20Listening%20NK.pdf
- ↑ http://cultureofempathy.com/projects/Empathy-Movement/References/Reflective-Listening.htm
- ↑ https://medium.com/chatkit/how-to-be-a-good-conversationalist-e2ab2af45aae
- ↑ https://medium.com/chatkit/how-to-be-a-good-conversationalist-e2ab2af45aae
- ↑ https://personalexcellence.co/blog/conversation/
- ↑ https://personalexcellence.co/blog/conversation/
- ↑ https://www.themuse.com/advice/nonawkward-ways-to-start-and-end-networking-conversations
- ↑ https://medium.com/chatkit/how-to-be-a-good-conversationalist-e2ab2af45aae
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