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You've most likely heard something negative about yourself at some point. Hearing a negative comment can be devastating, especially if it's about something you're sensitive over. Whether it's a friend, family member, colleague, or total stranger, negative comments don't have to ruin your day. Letting go of the negative comment and reaffirming your positive characteristics can help you bounce back, no matter what was said about you.
Quick Steps
- Stay calm to avoid having an emotional reaction to the comment.
- Focus on your good qualities and avoid taking the comment personally.
- Move on with your day instead of ruminating on the comment.
- Remember that opinions are subjective; that doesn't mean they're true.
Steps
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Avoid an emotional reaction. You're probably feeling a range of emotions, so it may be worth stepping back for a moment and assessing the ways you could respond to what you've heard so that you don't overreact or end up saying/doing something you'll regret. [1] X Research source The last thing you want to do is make the situation worse by losing your temper.
- Avoid reacting with anger. This validates the person who insulted you, and it may land you in trouble if you get too unstable.
- Try not to let anyone see you get sad or hurt. Your emotional response will only give the insulter more fuel to work with and they'll probably make more negative comments.
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Plan a constructive response. The best response to hearing a negative comment is one that will disarm the insulter without drawing you into a fight. [2] X Research source This can help defuse a tense situation and may even draw onlookers (if there are any) over to your side.
- Humor is a great way to disarm someone's insult. A well-delivered joke or sarcastic response can help undermine the negative comment, but it requires quick thinking and prompt delivery.
- Ignoring what was said about you takes away the insulter's satisfaction at seeing you get upset. It also conveys to that individual that their opinion means nothing to you.
- You don't have to accept what was said as being true, but acceptance in a general sense (such as accepting the situation as it is) helps you avoid taking offense to what was said.
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Choose the right words. Insulting the person back may make you feel a minor victory for a moment, but it will almost certainly usher in further insults from the other person. It could also cause tensions to escalate to a physical altercation. [3] X Research source
- Resist the urge to use profanity or any other angry words/tones.
- Try to be stern without sounding angry or hurt/sad. Alternatively, you could let it roll off your back and deliver a humorous response.
- You'll need to assess your surroundings and the circumstances you're in when choosing a response. Be cautious, as acting out at work or in public places may get you into trouble.
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Try not to take it personally. You've probably heard at some point that bullies behave the way they do because they're unhappy with their own lives. The same is true of adult bullies. Remember that another person's insults typically have nothing to do with you. That individual is most likely unhappy in his or her own life.
- If you're having trouble not taking it personally, think about how miserable the other person must be in their day-to-day life.
- When you think about what compels someone to say negative things about another person, you may end up feeling a sense of pity for your insulter.
- Remember that the other person does not define you or your life. Everyone encounters frustrating people in life; the goal is to ignore the negative and focus on the positive.
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Evaluate the comment for truth. You can't control what other people say about you, but you can control whether you let negative comments get to you. Remember that ultimately that person's opinion doesn't really matter. Even if it's someone you're close with, their opinion shouldn't matter much to you if they're saying negative things about you. [4] X Research source
- Try not to put so much emphasis on being liked by other people. Remember that your family and friends love you, and anyone else's negative opinions won't hold up to that love.
- Let go of the concepts of "should" or "ought to" in your life. Subscribing to the notion that you "need" to be a certain way based on someone else's perspective effectively robs you of your own happiness.
- If the thing that's said is false, don't give any further thought to what was said. You wouldn't follow directions from someone who's lost, so why take a false statement to heart?
- If there's some truth to the negative comment (beyond your insecurities or vulnerability), you can acknowledge the need for change without beating yourself up. Vow to make changes but treat yourself with kindness.
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Move on with your day. The person who spoke negatively about you most likely hasn't thought about you since your exchange, so why waste time thinking about that person? Before you can actually cheer yourself up, you'll need to move past the negative comment so that your happiness won't be undercut by feelings of anger, sadness, or resentment.
- Resist the urge to think about what you "should have" said or done. You can't change the interaction you had, so just move past it and try to let it go.
- Any time you catch yourself thinking about the negative comment, the individual who said it, or what you could have done differently, make a conscious effort to think about something more positive. [5] X Research source
- By recognizing negative thoughts and replacing them with more positive ones, you can eventually break the thought pattern that might otherwise trap you in a prolonged bad mood.
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Challenge your negative beliefs. If you've heard a negative comment about yourself, you may have reacted with shock, anger, sadness, or all of the above. The worst reaction to criticism is when you believe the things that are said about you. One way to break out of this negative reaction is to actively challenge the things you've heard someone else saying about you. [6] X Trustworthy Source National Health Service (UK) Public healthcare system of the UK Go to source
- Think about what was said and why. You should also think about who said the negative comment and ask yourself what qualifies that individual as an expert.
- Look for evidence that refutes what was said about you. Instead of passively believing what you heard, try to actively challenge those thoughts and you'll quickly realize there's no basis to what was said.
- Try to keep a running list of your strong qualities that refute what you heard. Writing these things down might make it easier to remember them in case you feel down in the future.
- For example, if someone called you an idiot, think about your ability to carry on interesting and complex conversations, your academic history, or the number of books you've read in your lifetime.
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Take stock in what you're good at. After hearing a negative comment from someone, you'll probably feel pretty down on yourself. However, an easy way to stop buying into those negative thoughts is to remind yourself of all the things you're good at. [7] X Trustworthy Source National Health Service (UK) Public healthcare system of the UK Go to source
- Whether you're good at cooking, playing music, playing games, or being a good friend or partner, these are all incredibly positive skills that should be acknowledged and celebrated.
- Spend some time doing the things you're talented at. This will help you feel happier (since you probably enjoy doing those things) and it can also boost your self-esteem to realize how talented you are.
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Spend time with people who appreciate you. Spending time with positive people who value your company can have a dramatic impact on your mood and your sense of self-esteem. [8] X Trustworthy Source National Health Service (UK) Public healthcare system of the UK Go to source If you have a friend or relative who always makes you smile and feel good about yourself, set aside some time to be with that person. Even if you just meet briefly for coffee, you'll feel a lot better about yourself and your situation.
- Try to engage in activities that boost your mood. Many people find that physical activities like walking or hiking can boost the mood, and doing these things with friends will make them more enjoyable.
- Spend time with a significant other (if you have one). Your partner will know how to make you feel better about yourself and take your mind off of the stress of hearing an insult.
- Hang out with friends and do something fun. Playing board games, taking a road trip, or even just going out to a new cafe or restaurant can all be fun ways to unwind and forget about the negative comment you heard.
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Try to be gentle with yourself. Many people find that they treat their friends and relatives more gently than they treat themselves. If you've heard a negative comment about yourself, you might be feeling really down about your abilities or even your self-worth. However, if a friend were in your position, you'd probably tell them that they're a wonderful person and a valued friend. So try to remind yourself that you deserve to feel better, too. [9] X Expert Source Chad Herst, CPCC
Mindfulness Coach Expert Interview. 22 March 2019.- With each negative or self-doubting thought, ask yourself whether you would ever say those things to another person.
- If you wouldn't tell your friend, "That person was right when they said _____," why should you let yourself believe those things that were said about you?
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Get a good workout. Exercise is one of the best ways to boost your mood. Even low-intensity exercise can improve your sense of wellbeing and leave you feeling better about yourself and your situation. [10] X Research source
- Lifting weights is an excellent way to improve your mood and build your sense of self-esteem.
- Aerobic activities like running or bicycling can help relieve stress and release endorphins to make you feel better.
- If you don't have time to go to the gym, take a long walk on your lunch break. A brisk walk for even 30 minutes can significantly improve your mood and your outlook. [11] X Trustworthy Source Mayo Clinic Educational website from one of the world's leading hospitals Go to source
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Resist the urge to dwell on what happened. You may find yourself instinctively thinking about how rude it was for the insulter to say what they said. Or perhaps you find yourself thinking about what you could/should have said for days after the incident. However, neither of these reactions will undo what was said about you. The best course of action is to try and put it out of your mind as much as possible.
- Any time you catch yourself dwelling on what was said about you, force yourself to think about something else.
- You might try wearing a rubber band around your wrist to help. Every time you think about the negative comment, snap the rubber band against your wrist as a physical reminder to change your thought pattern.
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Separate yourself from what was said. It can be very easy to feel that what's said about you is a true reflection of who you are. However, even if there is truth to what's said about you, it's important to remember that you are not defined by the things you do.
- If you receive criticism about your talents as an artist or musician, remember that everyone has different tastes. Just because someone doesn't like your work, that doesn't make your work any less valid or meaningful.
- If someone gives you a negative comment about your physical appearance, remember that looks are also subjective. There's probably someone in your life who thinks you're very attractive.
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Boost your confidence. You can't avoid the possibility of hearing negative comments in the future, but you can find ways to feel better about yourself. By boosting your confidence, you'll be better equipped to ignore or at least bounce back from negative comments in the future.
- Acknowledge the things you've achieved and the things you admire about yourself. Write these things out on a list and hang them in a place you'll see everyday. [12] X Research source
- Wear clothes and hair styles that make you feel good about yourself, no matter what that style may be. Spend a little extra time on personal hygiene and grooming, too.
- Try to live a healthy lifestyle by eating nutritious foods, exercising regularly, and getting adequate sleep every night. [13]
X
Expert Source
Chad Herst, CPCC
Mindfulness Coach Expert Interview. 22 March 2019. - Take time to do things you enjoy, and push yourself to try something new. Join a class, take up a craft or hobby, or find a new way of artistically expressing yourself.
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Deal with a negative friend. Everyone gets frustrated with their friends from time to time. If your friend is a consistently negative person, though, they may be a toxic friend who causes damage in your life. [14] X Research source Cut out toxic friends from your life, but treat an otherwise good friend's negativity with kindness.
- A good friend who says something negative once or twice may be trying to help you. Many people find it easier to hear difficult truths from a close friend, so your friend may have your best interests in mind by breaking bad news to you.
- If your friend seems to consistently delight in pointing out your flaws or makes you feel like you're walking on eggshells all the time, it may be best to distance yourself (at least temporarily) from that friend.
- Patterns of behavior seem to be the best way to differentiate a good friend who says something negative from an all-around toxic friend.
- Proceed with caution, try to give your friends the benefit of the doubt, and don't jump to any extreme conclusions.
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Cope with a negative family member. Negative family members can be difficult (if not impossible) to avoid. You'll have to see one another at family parties and holidays, and if it's a close relative you may have to see each other on a near-daily basis. The best way to cope with a negative family member is to limit your interactions with that individual and spend as little time together as possible. [15] X Research source
- If you have to spend time together, try to bring up pleasant topics of conversation.
- You may want to avoid talking to that relative too much when you're forced to spend time together.
- Pay close attention to your thought patterns while you spend time with negative family members.
- Try to catch yourself dwelling on negative thoughts and refocus your energy on more positive things, like catching up with a relative you get along with.
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Handle criticism from your boss. If you're really worried about hearing negative comments in the future, one way to avoid that situation is to make your own improvements ahead of time. Try becoming more proficient at your job, practice until you develop stronger skills, and focus on being a better employee.
- If you receive criticism about the way you perform at work, remember that you're not your job - you're so much more than that.
- Politely ask your boss to give you constructive feedback instead of criticism. For example, instead of being told, "You did a horrible job on that report," ask your boss to tell you what specifically you could do differently next time.
- Try to disengage from your job once you leave work. It can be difficult for some people, but by going out for drinks with colleagues after work or spending time with family or friends in the evening, you can stop dwelling on work during your own time.
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Expert Q&A
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QuestionHow do I stop reacting to negative comments?Chad Herst is the Executive Coach at Herst Wellness, a San Francisco-based wellness center focused on Mind/Body Coaching. Chad is an accredited Co-Active Professional Coach (CPCC) and he has been working in the wellness space for over 19 years, with experience as a yoga teacher, acupuncturist, and herbalist. He received his BA from Columbia University and his MS in Traditional Chinese Medicine from the Pacific College of Oriental Medicine.Try to get in the habit of talking kindly to yourself. If your self-talk is always negative, you'll start to believe negative things about yourself. If you practice positive self-talk, you'll have a more positive view of yourself.
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References
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/hide-and-seek/201302/how-deal-insults-and-put-downs
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/hide-and-seek/201302/how-deal-insults-and-put-downs
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/hide-and-seek/201302/how-deal-insults-and-put-downs
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/happiness-purpose/201309/lighten-and-laugh
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/emotional-fitness/201208/10-ways-feel-better-about-yourself
- ↑ http://www.nhs.uk/Livewell/mentalhealth/Pages/Dealingwithlowself-esteem.aspx
- ↑ http://www.nhs.uk/Livewell/mentalhealth/Pages/Dealingwithlowself-esteem.aspx
- ↑ http://www.nhs.uk/Livewell/mentalhealth/Pages/Dealingwithlowself-esteem.aspx
- ↑ Chad Herst, CPCC. Mindfulness Coach. Expert Interview. 22 March 2019.
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/articles/200105/pump-cheer
- ↑ http://www.mayoclinic.org/healthy-lifestyle/fitness/in-depth/exercise/art-20048389
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/hide-and-seek/201205/building-confidence-and-self-esteem
- ↑ Chad Herst, CPCC. Mindfulness Coach. Expert Interview. 22 March 2019.
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/resolution-not-conflict/201603/8-signs-toxic-friendship
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/what-mentally-strong-people-dont-do/201502/5-ways-stop-giving-negative-people-too-much-power
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